I should just stop going to school. I could graduate through adult education. Band is the only real reason I don't do that.
Today...was crap...
Am I depressed or what? I need to work on the positive things in my life.
I still feel a strong urge to move out of my house and away from my mother. I don't think I would want to live with my father either, though I'd rather live with him than my mom. It's kind of a dream of mine to be able to support myself economically and move out. I think it would be the best for my sanity.
I think I'm around people who bring me down too much. My negative outlook is bad. I should go find someone. A happy person. Someone who is smiling.
blah blah blah blah
blah
blah blah blah
and I had a dream blah blah that blah
and we drove to the picnic
blah blah blah
the one between the concrete
the concrete overpasses
(the colors of reality go bezirk)
the tables around the green grass
...we parked
...right between them and got out
the car was gone and I remember having driven by a chainlink fence
there were chips
BBQ LAYs, specifically
and dip
and maybe some vegtables
but the black BBQ chips bag stands clear in my mind
orange
and yellow and white lettering
on the white,durable, plastic table
I was afraid they would get mad at us for eating the chips
you know...
because we were crashing their picnic
It seemed almost public though
so I grabbed one
I don't think I ate it
I think there was sand beyond the green grass
the perfect green grass
The grass had grown in thick, healthy, strong blades
of ambrosial, hearty green
and an amazing texture
sharp tips
and sleek yet rough edges
smooth and rough
amazing grass
but in the sand there may have been a volley ball court
maybe several
and the picnic goers may have been playing volley ball
Smaller children swung on a swing set
But I couldn't understand the concrete
Walls of concrete
thick, heavy, indestructable concrete
and then grass...
----------
That brings tears to my eyes. Sadness.
-Kevin