March 30, 2004
raindrops falling
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I should probably stop playing around finding stuff on the internet and go do my homework.
-Kevin
March 29, 2004
It is so very strange that people write stuff
Writing is so strange. I wonder why I do it. Why does he write too?
I'm just so curious. Here's the source of the following.
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2003-07-12 - 12:18 a.m.
Today was the last day at the Sports Camp at the University of Maryland, where I worked as a counselor this year... very hard. I told everyone I didn't know if I was going to be able to come back next year, but the more savvy veterans recognized that sorry old line as the same one I've used for many years in a row. I used it before my junior year of high school because I figured I would have to do my psychology uber-dorky internship; I ended up doing both. I used it before my senior year because I figured I had to earn money; my parents ended up saying it was fine to do what I loved and that money wasn't that much of an issue (I also got a scholarship, which helped). Then I used it last summer because I figured I'd be going to college and would be too old to be a C.I.T. (their counselor positions are for post-grads who need them for credit). But then they gave me this job. So... I don't know, obviously if I live at Haverford next summer I can't do this again. Or, if I do some sort of physiology internship or who knows what... but we will see, it's too early to tell. It will be so hard not to go back though. This was our eighth year (half of my brother's life!) and I just adore some of those people.
We've been walking this kid Jimmy to and from camp everyday. Matt and I take the bus every morning (hooray for public transportation... we love the environment) and we discovered that Jimmy's mother's office is right outside of the bus stop, so we offered to walk him both ways everyday because we like him... and besides, it's fun. Actually, we had some problems with him. He's the one who tried to convert me to Christianity and I absolutely can't stand the superiority complex people (most often Christians) take on because of their religion. My motto with religion is: if you're religion doesn't respect being a downright good person (as in, they have other qualifications like: "must believe in Jesus") then screw whatever you have to offer. Anyway, he gave us a card today with two $20 gift certificates to Blockbuster! It was so sweet. I'm really going to miss that kid.
Slight detour while I schimpf (err... complain in German/Yiddish, not sure which language... maybe both) about this briefly. It was sweet for him (and his mother, I'm sure) to get us something for walking him, but I wished we lived in a world where it wasn't expected. It was my pleasure to make her life easier and to make Jimmy happier. He was good company. Why then must we undermine the strength of this action by acting like I did it for some reward? (Am I the only one who sees this as undermining?) Matt and I were more than happy to walk him... and had we gotten nothing (or just a card) we wouldn't have thought anything of it. It saddens me, though, that others would feel entitled to something. We (humans) shouldn't do things for the sake of notoriety or rewards. All donations to charity should be anonymous, so that no one but yourself (and even then, it's not ideal) can revel in your good actions. (One Friends episode I will never forget, which I'm positive I've told you about before, is where Phoebe obsesses over the fact that you can't give to charity without feeling good about it. She finally gives to PBS, who she hates, because it's a good action that gives her no satisfaction.)
There's this eight-year-old at camp named Emily who has gotten increasingly closer to me over this past week. I really like her... I'm too tired to give a good description of her, but she's smart at math and the conversations I had with her were great. Her voice and way of talking make her sound like an adult (a lot of kids talk like... well, kids, she doesn't seem to as much). But she's still a child of course, running around and smiling constantly. I see young Asian people, particularly those that let me know very quickly how good she was at math in her class, and worry about them driving themselves crazy trying to get straight A's (as was my experience with many of them around me in school). But I realized there was nothing I could say to her to dissuade her of what she'd do years down the road... a very frustrating thing. Very much like Siddhartha's situation, but I don't want to digress too much.
She was also special because she was the only camper who would regularly sit on my lap or would just appreciate talking to me (many of the children either want to play or be wild and run around or pinch me or whatever)... which was helpful given how tired I felt all the time around all these kids. Also, she was the only one who ever wanted to hold my hand when we walked somewhere. God, it's so cute when their tiny hands clasp yours. Almost indescribable.
A few days ago she came up to me and asked if I would still be here in two years. I said, truthfully, that I didn't know, but that I loved coming back to this camp more than anything else. She said she hoped I would be back here because then she would be old enough to be in the 10-11 group and with me. It was very touching.
What broke my heart (in a good way) was this, which took place today with her:
Emily: "Jossi, can I have your address?"
Me: "Why would you want my address?"
Emily: "So I can send you a letter on Valentine's Day."
It's times like these when I wonder how I can ever frown, how I could ever hate anything, how anything could ever be wrong in the world. She mentioned wanting to do this twice later. I finally just gave her my phone number... I have no idea if she'll call. She's a child though, I figure she'll forget about me by Valentine's Day. But... it's still just amazing to hear this.
How could I possibly have this big of an impact on these children? It doesn't seem possible.
That's my week, basically. Walking around with heavy legs because these kids sap my energy so completely half the time, and floating and not having my feet touch the ground because of the things they say the other half of the time.
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Neat.
-Kevin
Oh so healthy...
Today I ate 3 donuts for breakfast/lunch, 3 peices of pizza in the late afternoon, and now I'm eating icecream. I wasn't all too hungry today. I think I want a salad tomorrow.
-Kevin
March 28, 2004
It's different now.
It's different between us.
It is different.
I look up.
I look straight.
I see you.
I look left.
I look right.
But I don't understand---
everything is different...as well...
-Kevin?
My mind is screaming out in pain!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHH!!
-Kevin
March 22, 2004
Well then!!!
I typed "The camera flashed" into this aweful random poem generator thingie and my jaw dropped as I read the result:
The camera flashed
what a drag it is being censored
I shall go and weep in my maternal shed.
as I watch my life being poured
After trying many more lines, I've decided making my own poems is far more fun, entertaining, and... umm...better.
-Kevin
Pick'n'Pull and my productive Sunday
Finally! Saturday we made a trip to Pick and Pull.
I got:
a bumper
a drivers side sun visor
a window brake light
two dash insturment clusters
a door sensor
a dash trim piece
an ash tray (clean one, too)
a wiper fluid container with the pump
driver and passenger side AC vent
center AC vent
heater/ac controller front panel
a bunch of vw logos
and probably something else that I'm forgetting
Sunday morning I went to church with Karl.
He brought me back to Jason's house where I began working on my car. I put in the rear window brake light and Json helped me put on my recently aquired bumper!! It looks great: Before. After!
Additionally, I fixed the passenger AC vent, straightened the steering wheel, fixed the drivers door sensor, installed the sun visor (no more blind driving), put the new heater/AC face on, and put the new windsheild wiper squirter tank in.
We also fixed the center AC vent on the Silver Golf.
A few problems did come up as I was working, though. I discovered that my water pump is leaking water and anitfreeze! I have to buy a new one and install it...probably by Wednessday... ... I suppose that means I have to do that tonight or tomorrow night. I also discovered that all three of the big rubberband thingies that hold up my exhast and muffler are broken. That explained the loud abnoxious rattling that I couldn't locate.
After all of that work, we (Jared, Jason, Jan and me) took off in pursuit of a 1984 Jetta that was for sale in town. We checked it out, sat around for a minute contemplating it's worth to us, then how much we'd pay for it, until we eventually gave in and offered the man (George) $50. George thought about it reluctantly, but when we told him that we'd pick it up in an hour, he agreed to the sale, though still not eager. I could tell that he didn't really want to get rid of this car, especially for such a low price.
it's a pretty nice vehicle. A charcoal Jetta GLI with a running gas engine. I like the wheels. It doesn't go into gear. It has some sort of fracture in the frame. The car looks like it's been lowered in the pictures because of the tie downs on the trailer:
The front.
The back.
The dash/interior.
The side angle.
After all of that weekend (I didn't even mention Friday), I am here now typing this. It is Monday and I am sick and away from everything relating to school; All my friends are at school... It sucks. It is 2:31 and everyone is getting out of school.
-Kevin
Friday night's dream...
Friday night was great. I was in the best mood I've been in since...who knows when... Anyway, when I fell asleep, I dreamt that I was driving the Maverick and Jason was following me in the Blue Jetta. I pulled into a gas station and began putting fuel into the tank. I wasn't paying attention and when I looked at the pump it said that it had put 20 gallons in and it was still fueling!! The maverick has a 12 gallon tank. Before I knew it, the pump read $60!! I panicked and looked under the car where I saw all of the gasoline pouring out of the gas tank onto the ground.
It was a total flashback to the time that Jason and I put 14 gallons into the Maverick combined with the time he was pulling into the church parking lot and gas started pouring out the back of his car.
I think that the Blues Brothers movie influenced my dreams since we watched it Friday evening.
-Kevin
March 18, 2004
my words, or lack of
Words cannot express everything.
Sometimes it would take too many words to express something. I don't like having to speak for a long time to get my point across.
I kind of like just being quiet sometimes.
I do like simplification.
Right now I have this big rant I'd love to go on about, but if I start typing about it, it will likely end up a tangled mess of letters.
I shall open my mouth and spit forth a smashed wad of words. They will land on the ground, rearranged. You'll read them differently. Maybe I tried too hard.
Can I find another perspective to write from? I'll try.
-Kevin
Pinball
"The 1930s and 1940s witnessed may things good and bad. With the depression of the 30s and World War 2 in the 40s, the lives of many North Americans were greatly affected.
This period gave birth to many trends and fads. Of course the emergence of pinball was the most important social device. But I suppose there were other things also. Sportlands, endurance shows, blackouts, war bond drives, juke boxes and juke joints - the list goes on and on."
quote from 1930s.com
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I put my favorite part in bold font. *smile*
-Kevin
I wish I had found this earlier
The following coppied from from JS Online
No fueling: Rivals spar over gas
Merchant protests lower prices by filling huge tanker
By JEANETTE HURT and LARRY SANDLER
of the Journal Sentinel staff
Last Updated: May 1, 2001
Burlington - When Ed Trudeau, a 35-year veteran of the gas station business, found two stations he thought weren't playing by the rules, he made his point Tuesday with an 8,500-gallon tanker truck.
Gauging Gas Prices
Photo/Jeffrey Phelps
Jon Johnson(front) begins pumping unleaded regular gas into an 8,500-gallon capacity tanker as Ed Trudeau (below) hands another pump to Jim Rathmann at a Citgo gas station in Burlington on Tuesday. The local gas station owners were upset at the $1.69 gas price.
Photo/Jeffrey Phelps
An employee of a Citgo gas station at Dodge and Pine roads in Burlington raises the gas prices shortly after a tanker truck tried to fill its 8,500-gallon tank with gasoline.
Trudeau and his son-in-law directed the tanker to one of the rival stations to fill it with cheap gasoline - and deliver the message that in the heat of rising gasoline prices, a chain station should not be able to get away with undercutting him by 15 cents or more a gallon.
"The bottom line is, we just want them to obey the law," Trudeau said.
Trudeau is co-owner of the Vista Gas Station on Milwaukee Ave. with his daughter, Wendy Johnson, and her husband, John Johnson, where unleaded was selling for $1.85 a gallon Tuesday, 2 cents above their cost to buy.
Down the street at the Citgo Station, unleaded regular gasoline was selling for $1.69 a gallon. Trudeau's point: "I can buy gas from him cheaper than from my oil suppliers."
After checking on the legalities, Trudeau summoned a truck from Zenith Transportation Corp. and directed driver Jim Rathmann to pull his tanker into the Citgo's first row of pumps. Rathmann and Jon Johnson scrambled on top of the tanker while Trudeau primed the pump and started the flow of fuel into the tank.
After about five minutes, two clerks walked out of the station and asked Trudeau what he was doing.
"Where are you taking this?" asked one clerk.
"It doesn't matter," Trudeau told her.
"If it's going to another gas station, it's illegal," she countered.
Trudeau shook his head.
"Dear, we've already done our homework," he said. "We know what we're doing is legal."
"You don't have to have an attitude with me, buddy," she snapped.
The pumps were quickly shut down.
Trudeau decided that he was being discriminated against, so he sent Johnson to get the police.
"This is where it gets interesting," Trudeau said, raising his eyebrows, as Burlington police Sgt. Scott Molitor and Officer Dave Krupp pulled up.
After listening to Trudeau's pleas, Molitor told him he had to leave.
"They don't have to sell you gas," Molitor said. "This is a private business."
Without another grumble, Trudeau went inside to pay $427.53 on his MasterCard for 342.58 gallons of gasoline.
Yet Trudeau's protest worked.
While he was inside paying his bill, two station employees were outside removing the numbers from the sign and raising the price to $1.77 a gallon.
Trudeau shook his head and laughed.
"They're still not legal, but we accomplished part of what we set out to do," Trudeau said. "We did get his attention, though."
Wisconsin's minimum markup law requires gasoline stations to charge 6% above invoice price or 9.18% above the average price at wholesale terminals, whichever is more. Stations can charge less to match a competitor's prices.
The markup law, which dates to the 1930s, was intended to prevent stations owned by massive multinational oil companies from slashing prices below cost to drive their mom-and-pop competitors out of business. Questions about the law's value have increased as prices have risen. But a spokesman for Wisconsin stations says the law is needed now more than ever.
"In these volatile times . . . we want keen competition to keep prices as low as possible, and this law helps keep more competitors in the marketplace, which is good for the consumer," said Bob Bartlett, executive director of the Petroleum Marketers Association of Wisconsin and Wisconsin Association of Convenience Stores.
Without the markup law, prices might go down temporarily, but once the big oil companies eliminated their smaller competitors, they would be free to raise prices again, Bartlett said.
Tuesday's faceoff in Burlington wasn't the first clash over the law. Last year, three Sturtevant station owners exchanged harsh words until one raised his prices to match the other two.
But Trudeau wasn't through yet.
After making a quick stop to unload the fuel at the Vista station, Trudeau directed the tanker back on the road to the local Clark Station, which also boasted a price of $1.69.9.
Trudeau unhooked the pumps while Rathmann and Johnson hiked to the top of the tanker again.
But the clerk at the Clark Station had been forewarned.
The Clark Station clerk called the Burlington police. Both Krupp and Molitor responded to the call.
"I have to ask you to leave," Krupp said to Trudeau after speaking briefly to the clerk.
Trudeau walked away without too much complaint.
"We do feel we were discriminated against," Trudeau said.
Krupp said, "I can't arrest them for discrimination."
Trudeau said he was going to talk with his lawyers today, and he also planned to make a call to the Racine County district attorney's office.
"I'll compete with anyone as long as it's fair," Trudeau said. "If the state won't come in and make sure the playing field's level, you have to take action."
The price in Burlington contrasted with Tuesday's areawide average of $1.85 a gallon for regular gasoline at self-service pumps, up a penny from Monday, according to an informal Journal Sentinel survey of 10 stations. Statewide, the average stood at $1.77, up 2 cents from Monday and up 29 cents from a month ago, AAA Wisconsin reported.
Meanwhile, in Washington, D.C., several House members from Wisconsin met and agreed to write to EPA chief Christie Whitman asking her for more flexibility in rules pertaining to cleaner-burning, summer-blend gasoline.
Tom Barrett, a House Democrat from Milwaukee, said he attended the session with Jerry Kleczka, another Milwaukee Democrat, and Republicans F. James Sensenbrenner Jr. from Menomonee Falls, Paul Ryan from Janesville, Mark Green from Green Bay and Tom Petri from Fond du Lac.
Barrett said the members concurred that more flexibility was needed in light of a refinery going out of business in Blue Island, Ill., and another, the Tosco Corp. plant in Illinois, reducing production for a week or two because of a fire.
Katherine M. Skiba of the Journal Sentinel staff contributed to this report.
Appeared in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel on May 2, 2001.
March 11, 2004
free of all but gravity
me and my possesions, thoughts, and feelings, all sprawled out on the soft grass
as if it were meant to be, feels right
and I almost like it.
but is it securing me
or
restraining me?
i am going to enjoy this
what it is, i don't know, but it sure seems fun
and like the right thing to do!
how enjoyable
how wonderful
(with a sigh of relief)
it is so nice.
-Kevin
Harlem Renaissance
America
Although she feeds me bread of bitterness,
And sinks into my throat her tiger's tooth,
Stealing my breath of life, I will confess
I love this cultured hell that tests my youth!
Her vigor flows like tides into my blood,
Giving me strength erect against her hate.
Her bigness sweeps my being like a flood.
Yet as a rebel fronts a king in state,
I stand within her walls with not a shred
Of terror, malice, not a word of jeer.
Darkly I gaze into the days ahead,
And see her might and granite wonders there,
Beneath the touch of Time's unerring hand,
Like priceless treasures sinking in the sand.
-Claude McKay (1891-1948)
Phones
I really don't like phones.
I prefer talking in person...
Wow. I don't like phones.
Now I am tempted to go outside and talk to a tree in the subtle loneliness of my foresty backyard. I do like trees...
-Kevin
March 10, 2004
I still don't understand it.
I still don't understand
the glimmer
the sparkle
the swinging spotlights
the mirrors
that ember that jumped out of the fire but is now losing it's glow fast...
the suggestions
the hints
the reactions
the people
the movements
the trends
the anger
the emotions
the points
the hiding
the way typing/writing this stuff helps...
I'm so unsure of how things work. I do belive that everything is always different. (That makes sense, right?)
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I restrung my bass guitar last night. A man may interpret that as a voulentary change in my veiw upon life or a situation in life. A man could write a five page essay about how retringing my bass is a turning point in my life. Misinterpretations are likely common.
Oh, and I don't recommend looking so hard at something that you start imagining things about it. I could stare at a bannana and eventually I may claim to see it walk. It doesn't mean it did. Maybe I was hallucinating from the week and a half I spent staring at the bananna witout sleeping...
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hehe...the cat fell asleep in my lap while I was typing...
-Kevin
March 08, 2004
and doubts
I do hope that my words always help. I'm always so confident in what I say, but what if my confidence is in the wrong words? Sometimes one doubt leads to another. There is turmoil within myself. It would be great to get away and have everything fade into nonexistence---even if only for a short while, but that is not an option. I'll lay on the floor with my face down. I do need rest. I do need to think. I do need a lot of things. I do need to realize what is important. I do need help.
-Kevin
I am still here.
Yes.
I am still here.
I am still trying to make the best of things.
I am still trying hold it together.
Are you?
Hang in there everyone.
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I just got off the phone with a very good friend. He's having quite the trouble right now. I hate to see things in such turmoil. It seems as if someone grabbed his giant pan of life and dumped the already painfully fried eggs directly onto the open flame of the stove.
I will help all I can and I will pray for you.
-Kevin
Tool.
The album 'Lateralus' by Tool always seems to fit my mood whenever summer-ish weather comes around.
-Kevin
The X1
I have just uploaded some more pictures of my car, the X1.
Here they are:
The front.
The screwed up fender.
The side.
The rear.
Under the hood.
The interior.
The broken heater controls and missing radio.
-Kevin
March 07, 2004
I'll cover it up with more music. Now let's go do some donuts.
I am writing this in a very melancholy mood. I feel as if an unseen fog of gloom is settling around me.
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Friday night Karl, Patrick and I got out our guitars (me on bass) and our 'learn to play guitar' books and set our stuff up in Karl's garage. by the end of the night, we could play a song. Great, eh? Now we're looking for a drumset that Jon can use. We also may look for somebody to do vocals and if someone's interested in keyboard/piano or something, I'm sure they'd be welcome. Talk to me if you're interested in anything what-so-ever. If it's about the band, I'm sure we can get equipment if you don't have it already.
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Last night was interesting. I'm quite sore from the lengthly trombone playing. And sore in differing ways. Karl and I went up and did some...fun...things with his truck at the Old Airport after the Starlight Ball...yeah... Then we washed up his truck before heading to his house around 1:15 am. It's great to have someone to talk to. I have lots of odd stuff on my mind. Thanks, Karl.
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I like 106.5 fm late on Saturday nights/Sunday's first hours.
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This morning I got up and took a five minute shower and rummaged through my bags for some clothes before leaving for church. I enjoyed the sermon. It was different than the usual and the guy even used Far Side comics to relate to what he was saying. He projected them up onto the screen.
I made my way home and then went into town with my sister and grampa. We ran some errends and I was quite dissapointed to see that most every shop in town was closed. I wanted to buy new strings for my bass, but the music store was closed...along with every other shop or cafe that I was even slightly interested in going to. This town sucks. I dislike it and everything more and more every day. We came back home after getting some ice cream at Coldstone and I rearanged the garage so that maybe the band can practice in there. I want to get a couch or two for down there. Working in the garage was the only thing I could do to let things trail off my mind for a while.
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I don't like it when things are broken. Maybe I relate them with myself too easily.
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I could sit here and type for days. This blog entry is really just being typed up so that I can reflect upon everything; Mostly the moments left unmentioned. I'm simply typing this up to get these specific thoughts off of my head so that I can think about the other events. *realization*
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I went to dinner with my grampa this evening. We had mexican food at Maria's. He told me all sorts of wild airplane stories from his younger days. It was fun; I wish I could be with my grampa more often.
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(broken thought) Between the lines? Maybe the lines? Why?
-Kevin
March 04, 2004
Assistance?
As I sit here and look at everything, I can honestly tell you that I do not understand any of it.
-Kevin
March 02, 2004
Well,
I just realized that it is a menacing balancing act between it all. I can't grasp it!
-Kevin
...
My mom just called me and told me that the she had to get my car towed to a the Woldseth's house. Apparently, the halfshaft fell out...again... For those of you who don't know, the halfshaft is what connects the transmission to the wheel in most front wheel drive cars. This has happened once before. Last time I called a friend and he brought his toolbox and we temporaraly fixed it on the side of the road. I told my mom that evening that she needed to take my car over to the Woldseth's house (I can't do it myself because I don't have license and I have school) and use their torque wrench to torque the halfshaft bolts to their torque specs... You guessed it; She never did. Now she's blaming me.
What the fuck!?
-Kevin
March 01, 2004
Today.
I don't like complaining.
Karl got duck tape stuck in his hair this morning and I got it out.
My mother stupidly broke the vacuum in her omnipotent moronity and I frustratedly fixed it.
I listened to Good Charlotte at the maximum volume while taking a shower.
a+b=c c=comfort I seem to have misplaced b
Everyone's fits of idiocy are killing me.
Why am I so angry?
I angrily played my bass for a good hour and I've decided that I need a new bass amp.
I want to fix the GTI.
I want to finish my speaker project.
I need to get a job so that I can make some money.
I need to get more sleep.
I need to get out of this pit of boiling and scalding mud.
I feel like breaking something.
It's 11:55 and my day is not over yet.
Today sucked.
I'm glad I don't act like I used to...
-Kevin
My outlet.
Where has my outlet dissapeared to? It always happens...usually on and off... I suppose I could cruise along the wall in search of a new one. Maybe on my way I'll flip a few switches and activate something new. I do think, though, that the outlet I search for is right next to me. The only problem is that it has one of those child-proof devices on it. At least, I think it does, or it feels like it does... I just gotta figure this out... Why does this make me feel so dumb?
-Kevin
Overwhelming.
So much to do, so much to say.
So many words, written, unsaid.
The thoughts overwhelm me with pressure from elsewhere.
Too little time to express it all here.
It's an overflowing river.
I need to rest.
-Kevin