and you know what has happened.
You know what you did.
You know how you could have prevented.
You know it happened......
Your friends feel it too. At least I do.
and avoid writing entirely.
Nobody speaks of their day in their blog anymore, and me, I can't tell the days apart most of the time. Why don't I just go to sleep.
The wound is on one finger, but the other finger feels pain. When I first cut the ring finger on my right hand, it realy hurt. Why doesn't it hurt anymore? Why does it tingle in my pointer finger?
If I had slept for more than 6-7 hours over the past forever, three or four days, maybe, I most likely wouldn't take the small accidental gash on my finger to mean anything deeper than just that. Why can I find it to so easily represent irrelevent things that only might be anyhow when I am in this state? Bombarded by metaphors from the sun possibly? Perhaps my body matter is at just the right angle to not allow the silly metaphors to slide through and they hit me instead, like a blind and light... Radiation... I am totally adrift you see, like this. Floating along, I could be quite the writer. Maybe I'll not sleep more than a week over a years time and write a book that will facinate the universe. Hah! Sleep deprevation can'y make you a god! How silly of that jokeful thought to intrude upon the point that may be in this blog entry?
Wait, did I say point? A point did cut into my finger. That does not represent anything I am trying to say, though I am not sure of what I say. I know certainly that that was a nothing statement--one that could have been done without but that I included anyway.
Where was I? I think I was about to go on about something. Maybe... the thoughts of representations. Let me think of better wordings. I'll state it. I find things to represent things sometimes. Am I hard to follow? I shouldn't have typed that blab above. It wasn't all blab, so on I go again. Let me try getting back to something I was trying to start.
I think about what is on my mind. Of course. Certain approach people's mind s, many things... the meaning of life and religion, sins, guilt, lust... well those are a few, definately not everything, and wow, not what exactly is on my mind, you know what I'm getting at, I hope. I hope you know that you think and are aware of your thoughts. oh, and another: love. Hm. I'm not doing a good job at writing this.
What is on my mind is incorperated into these things I think up. When I think of something that represents something, it usually about omething or someone on my mind.
man...cycles, phases, and oh, will I ever sleep? What is insomnia?
There is so much to explaibn to explain me. Perhaps...I should try not to. Perhaps...I cut my finger and someone. you say wtf? Maybe I do too. How can I find someone in my sore? I am not looking at my pains and hurt and finding love. no! My mind is running off and throwing people at my thoughts! What does that mean? thought (a) was on my mind and I cut my finger. I think my tired mind tied the two together with my insanity. Yes there is a thought (b), (c), (d), (etc.)
Where I am going or just went I do not know! I am probably wrting this because the cut is irrelivent. Thought (a) is still on my mind. The cut didn't change anything. Why would it? Why would my mind start trying to connect (a) to cut when there is no glue? I think my mind is glue. NO! My mind wants to be a glue! Maybe it wants to make bonds within its self! Don't you see that? I'm pointing back at assumptions, when my mind tries to create everything out of a smither of knowledge. My mind tries to create something out of an assumption and a an irrelivent thought. In this case, the irrelevent thought was the cut on my finger. "The wound is on one finger, but the other finger feels pain," is what my mind created and found to be able to represent many things that I think (due to assumptions) may be possible or going on.
Am I going to keep typing? Will it lead anywhere? probably not. I enjoy it though.
Talk about a frankenstien flower taped together. You have no idea what that means, do you? It wouldn't mean anything to you. Look at the time...
Half of what I write here I do not like in many many ways for various reasons that are probably too complex to explain.
I am becoming nocturnal.
Kelsey: "So you came to buy expensive ice cream?"
Yeah, I definately need to stop assuming things. When I assume things my whole view of the world becomes what I imagine it could be like. I should ask questions. Then I'll know what is actually happenning.
This morning the phone was ringing and I was asleep but heard it. I thought to myself "Nobody is going to pick that up...", so I grabbed the air and held up to my head and said "Hello?" I realized that I did not have a phone and that my hand was against the side of my head and went back to sleep.
I am "having fun", but I'm not. I think I need to sort out some things so I don't have to tell myself I am having fun sometimes.
Where is everybody? Where is everybody? Where is everybody? What??? Where are you? Darn it. The reason you don't understand is because I don't explain. Where are you? Where is my voice? What is the problem here? Who??
Looking at the floor there is a brick, and amplifier, two speakers stacked on top of each other, and a memory of when I set the carpet on fire with Casey.
As always, I know where to turn, though I often turn elsewhere. The one street that will help. He has given me directions to follow. Thanks.
At 2 am, I pray you all are having a good nights rest.
I love driving! oh, it is so fun to drive! Shifting down...Shifting up...matching the syncros...revving the engine up to pull as much power out as possible...
wow, only two days left in school! Kati is going to Washington for a while. Jason is going to Disneyland for a week. My mom is going somewhere...jeez, what am I going to do?? I guess I'll live at some friends houses for a while like usual...
This morning on my way to my first period class I overheard someone saying, "Is it going to be sunny today or will it be sad?" Personally, I like the overcast skies quite a lot!
Some things tossed about my head over that past week or so:
Relationships based on dependency don't work well.
A hug is not always a hug.
Everyone has a different perspective and views each event differently than I do.
It really does look interesting. I love colors.
The light didn't touch the walls and we got lost, but one of us tried to view it optimistically.
Do you know how far this has gone?
Just how damaged have I become?
When I think I can overcome,
it runs even deeper.
-Trent Reznor (Nine Inch Nails - Even Deeper)
-Kevin is up at 1:12am
I got a lot of work done this weekend.
It still wasn't on the right stuff.
the boiling ocean
I decided to watch
others jump in
and I don't take notice
it's not harmful
and I feel something they don't
the water is turbulent
I watch the rock standing straight up out of the water
it is special
I could go to it
I haven't yet
I like watching this sea of turbulence
it makes me feel calm...clean, too
it is not something violent
maybe because I do not know
but it is beautiful
and totally awesome
but nobody said I wasn't
I don't know what I am typing
I'm just typing
I don't know other things
I'm just tired
and typing helps
It is interesting when everything is thrown together using something irrellovent