I should just stop going to school. I could graduate through adult education. Band is the only real reason I don't do that.
Today...was crap...
Am I depressed or what? I need to work on the positive things in my life.
I still feel a strong urge to move out of my house and away from my mother. I don't think I would want to live with my father either, though I'd rather live with him than my mom. It's kind of a dream of mine to be able to support myself economically and move out. I think it would be the best for my sanity.
I think I'm around people who bring me down too much. My negative outlook is bad. I should go find someone. A happy person. Someone who is smiling.
blah blah blah blah
blah
blah blah blah
and I had a dream blah blah that blah
and we drove to the picnic
blah blah blah
the one between the concrete
the concrete overpasses
(the colors of reality go bezirk)
the tables around the green grass
...we parked
...right between them and got out
the car was gone and I remember having driven by a chainlink fence
there were chips
BBQ LAYs, specifically
and dip
and maybe some vegtables
but the black BBQ chips bag stands clear in my mind
orange
and yellow and white lettering
on the white,durable, plastic table
I was afraid they would get mad at us for eating the chips
you know...
because we were crashing their picnic
It seemed almost public though
so I grabbed one
I don't think I ate it
I think there was sand beyond the green grass
the perfect green grass
The grass had grown in thick, healthy, strong blades
of ambrosial, hearty green
and an amazing texture
sharp tips
and sleek yet rough edges
smooth and rough
amazing grass
but in the sand there may have been a volley ball court
maybe several
and the picnic goers may have been playing volley ball
Smaller children swung on a swing set
But I couldn't understand the concrete
Walls of concrete
thick, heavy, indestructable concrete
and then grass...
----------
That brings tears to my eyes. Sadness.
-Kevin
This made me laff:
This one made me smile:
A good stopping point:
-Kevin
Yesterday I woke up and I was happy. I had been having a very cloudy dream, but it made me very happy. All day, whenever I thought about it, it made me smile. *grin*
Today I woke up and...well, went back to sleep.
-Kevin
I put new wheels on the silver golf today. I had to take the bmw ones off because the offset caused them to rub on the front fenders over bumps/turns. Too bad, the bmw rims had a nice agressive look to them.
Ungh, I can't remember why I started typing..............
-Kevin
It is 1:30am
Monday morning
and I have to be at school at 6:30
I don't know why I am up
but I am drinking tea
because I am one with my work. (err, done, I mean)
I should prevent this from happenening in he future...
as much as I love the night time, it isn't healthy
especially during school.
-Kevin
All day...up, down...up, down...
Well that roller coaster was fun.
I was just kinda freakin out all day...and kinda paranoid...too wierd man.
I feel a little better now, mostly because I finally got to youth group.
I felt really good around people who took notice to me and started talking with me.
Jennifer made me happy, she is an awesome person and fun to talk to.
Shannon cheered me up a bit because I haven't talked to her in a year...though she's still totally into drugs and porn. Makes for interesting conversations...but she cheered me up...
Casey and Irma made me happy during lunch. I haven't seen Irma in ages!
hm, that's all I can think of at the moment...
I'm going to go talk to my counselor about changing my schedule tomorrow at 12:30pm. That should be fun. I know she's not going to want to change my schedule, but I am going to force her to. Yes...she MUST change it before I go insane.
Jazz band in the morning tomorrow at 6:30am
Prayer at the flagpole at 7:25am
Counselor appointment at 12:30pm
Glerg. I love hard rock.
-Kevin
Now I really feel all alone in my own little world. Quiet but not peaceful...and never calm. I'm nervous of the nothing that is happening right in front of me, causing me to feel this way.
I miss you guys. I should have graduated with you.
-Kevin
The first band concert is on September 11th!! WHY!?
The Fryed Brothers campout is the 10th-12th. Damnit, I don't want to miss hanging out with my Dad and Rogue for the weekend...and camping! This sucks. Argh.
-Kevin
and it is now my senior year
Again, they have screwed up my schedule.
It looks like this:
1. Symphonic Band (Awesomeness)
2. American Government (Kreizenbeck seems like a cool guy)
3. Business Math A (I should be in Alg. 2 instead)
4. Lunch
5. Contemporary Issues (More stupid english. Why am I not in English 4?)
6. Drivers Education/GSR (I drive already. I just need the GSR credit which is lame.)
7. Life Science (this class doesn't look fun at all)
8. Jazz Band
9. Marching Band
Well, the first day was boring. Tomorrow I'll go in early and see if I can get my schedule changed.
blerg.
-Kevin
It should be fun. (yeah, there was a little sarcasm there...)
I gues I'll make another entry tomorrow...
-Kevin
I'm slipping.
I can't let it happen, but I you can see as well as I by looking at these recent entries that I am taking a hard blow of depression.
Maybe you didn't help this evening...
and maybe she didn't help last evening...
though at those moments it seemed like you both did...
I'm slipping,
so pray for me
and help in that way...
I'm going to grab my headphones
and CD player
and pull my covers over my head
and be done with this
and sleep
"Fuck it."
Those two lovely words end my evening unpleasantly -- horribly.
----------
"Tried to save myself, but myself keeps slipping away..." - Nine Inch Nails
----------
-Kevin
My problems yesterday were all because of communication problems. Some were refusal to listen. Many were based off of assumptions. Yelling and swearing doesn't help communication. Communication can be hard.
I don't have enough time to finish my entry.
I wish I knew where everyone is now. More lack of communication.
-Kevin
even though I missed all but the end of tthe drum corps show and feel as though i wasted 6 hours and $40, I got to see the Blue Devils. They were pretty rad. Then there was the giant encore with all the drum corpse bands that were there...64 contras(tubas)!!! That was incredible! What an awesome tuba sound!!! Sing Sing Sing was sweeeeet! Most definately the high note of my day. That, I am very happy of.
-Kevin
I hate saying that I fucking hate you, because I don't. You can drag the worst out of me... I must say, an amazing feat that nobody should be proud of. You can be the most unreasonable, unrealistic, unreliable, and unpredictable person in the world, and that pisses me off. Fuck. I think you are fucking bipolar or something, no joke. This is reoccurring. If I had the option to move out, I would, because it is definately not healthy for me to live with you. Sure, it may seem fine sometimes, but you always whiplash back and fuck things up again. I'm at the end of a very shitty day that I tried to make the best of, and I blame you for making it bad. I shouldn't, but that is how I feel. Yeah, I'm fucked up too. I was raised by you. Great fucking example. Fuck you.
I am sorry.
-Kevin
I lost my keys. I still haven't found them.
I still feel like crap.
-Kevin
1) using band names, spell out your name:
Kansas
Emery
Violent Work of Art
Incubus
Nine Inch Nails
John Williams
A Perfect Circle
Mustin
Enigma
Semisonic
Bassic
Audio Adrenaline
Kraftwerk
Enemies of Reality
Rogue
2) have you ever had a song written about you? maybe.
3) what song makes you cry? There are lots of songs that bring out emotions in me.
4) what song makes you happy? Nine Inch Nails - Complication, The Art of Noise - Beatbox (Diversion One)
a p p e a r a n c e
height: 6 foot, maybe a bit taller
hair color: dark brown, naturally, but I bleached it a long while ago so it's half blond too, and rather long
skin color: blue damnit.
eye color: green
piercings: maybe in my brain
tattoos: If I got a tatoo it would have to be a cross or something. I would have trouble deciding upon what exactly I would want...
r i g h t n o w
what color pants are you wearing?: green-grey-ish
what song are you listening to?: Cypress Hill - What's Your Number
what taste is in your mouth?: the taste of insecurity
how are you? Horrible, though I know I'll be alright.
d o y o u
get motion sickness?: sometimes
have a bad habit?: Yes, it is human nature.
get along with your parents?:I get along with my dad but I have severe issues with my mother.
like to drive?:I fucking love to drive! If I had my license I would be out driving right now! It helps me to relive stress. :-( I feel like crap.
f a v o r i t e s
book: (all time) The Bible.
book: (current) Tehanu, by Ursula K LeGuine, and it is now 7 days overdue at the library. THat's good. I thought it was closer to 25 now...
non alcoholic drink: an awesome vanilla milkshake sounds good right now.
alcoholic drink: I don't really care for any. They'll just fuck me up.
thing to do on the weekend: be happy!
h a v e y o u
broken the law: Yes.
ran away from home: Kind of.
snuck out of the house: Sneaking has never been necessary
ever gone skinny dipping: yes-sir-ee
made a prank phone call: yep
skipped school before: multiple times
been in a school play: yes
l o v e
Girlfriend: I don't want to talk about it.
sexuality: uhh, male
children: I love and hate them. I wouldn't mind having them. I'd love them.
current crush: Argh, I can't go there.
been in love: "God didn't give us enough blood for our penis and our brain to opperate at the same time." There is a difference between love and lust. Yes. I have been in love.
had a hard time getting over someone: Yes.
been hurt: Yes. Maybe by myself too...
your greatest regret: don't make me dwell on it...
r a n d o m
your cd player has in it right now: Deimos: Digital Black
what makes you happy: God, my friends, flowers, kittens, my dad
w h e n / w h a t w a s t h e l a s t
time you cried: I almost did today.
you got e-mail: I get tons of emails. Currently I have 1000 I need to sort through. They are all spam though. I don't get many emails from people.
thing you purchased: a fucking coke. and I didn't need it. what a waste of money.
y o u r t h o u g h t s o n
abortion: I support my religion and my religion does not support it.
teenage smoking: stupid.
spice girls: not my taste of music...
dreams: There is a lot to say about dreams.
I guess that is it.
-Kevin
Well, I officially feel like shit.
I hate being sick.
I'm excited about marching band. This year is going to be fucking awesome! The Manheim Steamroller was an excellent choce. My only concern is that mrramorizing the music will be a bit tougher than last year because of the oddities that make the music cool. Yeah, I really can't explain it very well... Oh! THEM BASSES! Them Basses is an awesome march! I have always loved it and I am incredibly glad that Mr. Carter chose it to be our march piece! Long live the tubas! Hell yeah, the melody through the whole piece...
I still feel like an absolute moron, and shit, I sure as hell am not trying not to be one.
I am currently listening to Fear Factory. I just feel like something hard and...well, hard. Good slammin' metal gridnin' through my phat stereo system..............................................
Dependency is bad. Dependency is very fucking bad in so many fucking ways. Someone please just tell me how it could possibly be good!
I am pretty down right now. I think a lot of credit goes to whatever sickness has gotten ahold of my ammune system. I'm down, but I know that there is always light. I like always seeing light. Life is wonderful because God made it that way. Thank you God. Despite how I feel, I know that life is always wonderful.
It can be hard being in such a happy-sad state.
That is definately enough. I need to end this entry. It is stupid, like most things...just fucking stupid...
-Kevin