It's nearly an hour into father's day and I'm at home alone. I wish I could be with my dad right now...
Why do I stay up so late?
I'm so depressing.
My life sucks.
-Kevin
Hey... look at me! I'm at home!
I took the bus to the train, the train to another bus, then the bus to San Jose... where I was picked up and taken to my grandparents house.
I stayed there a few days filled with a confusion of indecision and then drove my grampa to my house.
So... I'm home. This place sucks so much.
I try to get away and I get stuck back here. This is the LAST place I want to be right now!
My life has been set to the status of 'pending'
Damnit.
I'm losing the battle. I'm losing my grip. Before long my mother will be the empress of the world and I'll be hinding under a rock in the dark, crying.
It's becoming obvious that the stress is getting to me. I'm unable to sleep. (1am right now) I can't bear to deal with large issues. I spend a large portion of my time trying to avoid anything that brings the slightest negative output to me. The little things are getting to me more and more. It's like I'm in a shrinking box.
I'll leave before long, though. You'll see. Everyone will see. I'm not going to put up with this.
-Kevin
I am packing right now.
It seems I'm going to Pensylvania for a few days.
My Great Aunt passed away and I'm taking my Grandfather to her funeral.
I'm glad to be going and especailly glad that I can help my grampa out.
I feel lost, though. This is just part of my ride through life at the moment.
I guess most 17 year olds feel a bit lost just after graduating from high school. I'm unemployed. I can't drive myself anywhere on my own. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't have a secure home.
That is my biggest concern. When I go to bed I don't want to close my eyes. I don't feel secure.
I was going to go down to southern california to visit my father this week. Instead I'm going to Pensylvania. Either way, I'm getting away from home. That's why both trips are appealing to me. I can't take it here! I need to move into a different environment as I feel this one is too randomly hostile. It's unstable!!
12:53am, now.
My bus to Sacramento leaves at 10:25am
Then I'll catch a train to San Jose at 12:10am
I should pull into San Jose around 3:30pm
I don't know the flight plan yet... probably a redeye flight...
and you can belive me... my eyes will be red. I'll be looking out the windows the whole time on the bus, train, and plane. I hate sleeping. I hate getting tired.
hmm... 15:58am, now...
I have a throbbing headache.
Again, I'm feeling lost. Usure of almost everything.
I am going to need to figure out where I will live. I'm not staying with my mother for much longer. Perhaps with my father in southern California? maybe just move locally?
That requires a steady income and additionally the ability to drive.
I don't know what to do.
Kathryn, I feel that we are lost, too. I know I love you, though, but I feel we are lost. We haven't found direction. We will...
Oh... this headache is making it so hard to write... I have so much in my head I was going to say, but it seems I'm not going to be able to...
Anyways... I'll go finish packing. Oh, and please don't worry about me too much. Well, my mental state right now. I always go to bed feeling strong. Everything always pulls through or works out one way or another. I'm just in a mood. "It's just a phase." There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. I look forward to wonderful things in life... throughout life. I hope you all have at least that one good outlook. It's what's been keeping me from slipping into severe depression for quite some time now.
"Life only gets better" I love telling myself that. It is true to an extent... there are a few bumps and bruises. But I still look forward to everything!
Wow, I'm so wiped out. I hope I haven't just been rambling too much. It's easy to do when you're tired. Good night, everyone. I love you all...
-Kevin