November 09, 2005

Self Destruction

Since when has self destruction felt healthy?
Can anyone relate to that feeling?
drinking. smoking. hurting. careening to the edge of the cliff...

I've skidded toward that cliff. All of this both metaphorically and literally. Speeds too high and turns too tight. Have you ever seen a vehicle go over the edge of a cliff? I have. And now I wonder why when i skidded sideways toward the cliff of my own, hurtling out of control, I didn't go over. I swear I was barely 3 inches from going over the edge. what would have happened?
Would everything be over? Would I simply suffer more? Somehow I feel it would be more positive than before.
What would happen to everyone else...


Posted by Audiophile at 03:10 AM | Comments (2)

Frozen Coke Sunrise

Do you remember that sunrise?
Jon Sommer and myself.
Don't you remember trying to stay out on that tiny old porch with chairs all night until the sun would rise? It got so fucking cold and the blankets didn't help. We tried to drink cokes to stay awake and Jon shook one up and chucked it out into the canyon. we stood quietly and listened for the *pop* and laughed when it exploded. Great memory...

We gave up and went inside for warmth and sleep before we could see the sun. I'll always remember that the coldest time is just before the sun rises. and i'll always remember that night.


Posted by Audiophile at 02:48 AM | Comments (1)


Total Numbness.

Am I reaching the maximum possible level of desensitization?
I've changed so much, but it feels like I've only grown
less responsive.
less alert.
less caring.
less thoughtful.
less sensible...
more silent.
more stupid.
more numb.
more apathetic.
more inhuman.
more ... dead.

I'm not phased anymore. Before i was passionate about my entries on my blog. Now I'm without inspiration. Things that should affect me don't.

Imagine a death right in front of you. how would you react?

Sometimes i feel like I'd just stand there. Maybes stare off past the drama... past reality... into numbness...

How do I revive my spirit? my motivation? my passion for everything?

My mind is growing inert and I do not know how to combat it. Sometimes I don't know how to care anymore. It's almost an invoulentary apathy.
It makes me feel terrible, but I don't know how to feel that emotion anymore. All senses are numb. I want help... expressing myself... living... being human again...


Posted by Audiophile at 02:24 AM | Comments (2)


I have almost 1800 bits of spam I have to clean up off my blog. this really is frustrating. I hate spamers.


Posted by Audiophile at 02:04 AM | Comments (1)

Mr. The Kid

I was just reading some of Sommer's blog and all I can say is that I totally know how she feels.

Sommer, we should go out to dinner with some friends some night. Like old times...


Posted by Audiophile at 01:52 AM | Comments (0)