Since when has self destruction felt healthy?
Can anyone relate to that feeling?
drinking. smoking. hurting. careening to the edge of the cliff...
I've skidded toward that cliff. All of this both metaphorically and literally. Speeds too high and turns too tight. Have you ever seen a vehicle go over the edge of a cliff? I have. And now I wonder why when i skidded sideways toward the cliff of my own, hurtling out of control, I didn't go over. I swear I was barely 3 inches from going over the edge. what would have happened?
Would everything be over? Would I simply suffer more? Somehow I feel it would be more positive than before.
What would happen to everyone else...
Do you remember that sunrise?
Jon Sommer and myself.
Don't you remember trying to stay out on that tiny old porch with chairs all night until the sun would rise? It got so fucking cold and the blankets didn't help. We tried to drink cokes to stay awake and Jon shook one up and chucked it out into the canyon. we stood quietly and listened for the *pop* and laughed when it exploded. Great memory...
We gave up and went inside for warmth and sleep before we could see the sun. I'll always remember that the coldest time is just before the sun rises. and i'll always remember that night.
Am I reaching the maximum possible level of desensitization?
I've changed so much, but it feels like I've only grown
more ... dead.
I'm not phased anymore. Before i was passionate about my entries on my blog. Now I'm without inspiration. Things that should affect me don't.
Imagine a death right in front of you. how would you react?
Sometimes i feel like I'd just stand there. Maybes stare off past the drama... past reality... into numbness...
How do I revive my spirit? my motivation? my passion for everything?
My mind is growing inert and I do not know how to combat it. Sometimes I don't know how to care anymore. It's almost an invoulentary apathy.
It makes me feel terrible, but I don't know how to feel that emotion anymore. All senses are numb. I want help... expressing myself... living... being human again...
I have almost 1800 bits of spam I have to clean up off my blog. this really is frustrating. I hate spamers.