Billy_the_Kid Blog

wow.
I am going to try and not drench this entry in metaphors of somethign that wasnt even that awesome to begin with.
this new years was so close to a disaster that it wasnt even funny. all of the friends that i wanted to be with were no where to be seen. and when i saw lauren in the store and asked her if she was going over to doris she sayd psht no!
ok and then bryan is asking me to comet o his going away party. like he is still a friend after all the shit talking and rumors he's circulated through the fucking store.
and then there was terri with bronchitis and not being able to go but will go with tomas to reno??? wtf? i know that we cant all spend the holidays under on roof cause god forbid somebody say something to offend someone else kinda thing.
and then jeff for not getting back to me like he said he would. all i really could have used was hey sorry but i dont think that its going to work out so im just going to stay down there. that right there wouldve been ok too!
seriously to whom ever reads this.... im not bent. its all in the process of telling a story of how the evening went. all the expected failures. i need to focus in on the good things that happened too cause those for sure out wiegh the bad! they always do!
I am happy i got to see so many people yesterday before we all parted on our seperate party ways! i didnt understand how good it is to see a familiar face and hopw much that can change my mood. I love it.
the night was fine and dandy. except starting it 2 days prior kinda kicked my ass.
three days of being really fucking high and then drinking as much as i did on new years eve. oh god damn.
and having the boyfriend how just cant seem to keep hos hands to himself and constantly telling me that he loves me and all this metaphorical shit that really ometimes doesnt make sense to me is making me want to puke!!! the way he looks at me sometimes scares the shit outta me!! he wants so much commitment and its only been 2 months.
im not married to you and you hardly even know me it seems! if you say that you love me as much as you do why not spend some time talking to me about my past rahter then yours all the time
but i realized at some point this morning as i was cradling a hangover i had that i love him too. i really do. there are quams that everyone will have. and i willing to work on them and just get used to it.
he is everything to me. i trying not to be so scared of him. he sings he plays guitar he writes beautifully. and he makes me happy. hes never questioned me as a human being.

I feel like I have destroyed something. in such an insubordinate kinda of way. a subtle change of all the things i used to know, that now look so unfamliar.
in a way i feel happy for losing all these things that i thought that would never be touched by anything unnatural.
maybe its time to really let go. let it slide roll off the side of the bed i never slept on.
yea. ill do that.
cut you out of life
ill seat in silence and remember all the good times that everyone used to share. think about how much we have changed and how much hurt i feel now. a heqrt breaking in two everytime i have to answer the phone.
my father he never called me and i want to be crossed off the list of the living for all the people that could have that potential to hurt me. i dont want to hurt like he did that day to me.
and now its choosing sides? being thrown in the middle like a rag doll. even if you the intentions were pure. your driving me nuts
and you dont understand the way i look through this town and see the dismay on one side and tno love on the other.
half of what i say makes no sense.
and the other half is meaningless.
what i say has no effect and i wish it did.

you are hurting me.