May 13, 2004

Lost

I am lost. So much pressing in. It is unbearable yet somehow I block it keep it from showing. I can’t hold on anymore. I currently care about 3 things: Rachel, the MG, and friends. School is overwhelming. Now I will most likely graduate. My Mom and I have worked with the school to insure this. Hey I can even walk across the stage if I don’t have everything done. I don’t think I will though. School is not the problem it is just where I see it. No matter how much I say it doesn’t affect or bother me it really does. I guess being sick for 2.5 years affects you. Not many of you know what I am talking about so I will explain very briefly. Over the summer between freshmen and sophomore years I started to get sick. It happened so gradually I didn’t really notice it. The beginning of senior year we started to figure out what has been/ is going on with my body. Briefly I have a sleeping disorder similar to narcolepsy, all of my joints and mussels hurt at all times, on a good day I feel way worse than you do when you have the worst case of the flu, I have a viral infection in my brain, and mentally I feel like I am trapped in a thick fog that is slowing everything down. Yes maybe I seem a little out of it or short tempered with people who continually do stupid stuff, but I would think that I have an excuse for it. I want to talk to someone I need to talk. There is only one person who I will talk to yet I don’t because I worry about what she will think if I do. Sometimes I can’t hold it back and start to cry yet I still don’t talk I still keep it in. It will be a sad sight when I do finally break. I will miss all of next week other than Monday because I have a spinal tap on Tuesday. I might even miss tour that would really suck. I know that I need this though because I am starting to feel worse every day and this will help with finding a treatment. I want, no I need to talk, to cry, to release this confused mess, this torment, this self-inflected pain. Even with all of this I must be doing better than I was 1.5 years ago. I haven’t thought about/planned how I would kill myself lately. I used to be to the point where I couldn’t drive past a certain point on the road without thinking about it. You know if Danielle tries to piss me off again, not like she doesn’t still try, I mean if she tries to talk to me I will say this “Thank you. Thank you for teaching me a higher degree of self control and for teaching me not to put up with peoples shit such as acts for attention and their lies.” And when that is said I will turn around and walk off. Strange how things work out. How good can come from something so bad. I am amazed at the complexity of things.

Posted by UberZogster at May 13, 2004 10:59 PM
Comments

Hey man... This is some serious shit. Not to sound too obvious but that must suck some hard core shit. I can understand wanting to talk to someone but then not wanting too at the same time not sure if at any given point you might break down in tears..yea I'm sure ive sailed on the same freaki9n' boat. If you ever need to talk you can always talk to me I hope you know that!!!!!
Be better and know that there are a lot of people out there who are willing to help out, dude!!

~Sommer

Posted by: Billy the Kid at May 14, 2004 08:24 AM

There are people out there who will help you.

Do not be afraid to cry man! Cry as long as you need.

Posted by: whyme at May 26, 2004 04:38 AM