Lately I feel like I'm fighting for something. I don't know what it is but something just doesn't feel right. I have so much running throught my head that I can't make any sense out of it. I have let it go so long without writting and putting it somewhere else. My mind has become a junk yard of thoughts. Every thought like a car smashed and put in a heep. Just like the cars they were once useful but because of a lack of mantince and use has become a relic of something great. As for this fight, what am I fighting for? A sense of self or being, maybe but I feel it is more then that. Then what you ask. I can't tell you that, I don't even know. Maybe, maybe I'm fighting or searching for a place where I feel loved rather than just knowing that I am. Maybe I'm searching for someone who I can tell my deepest thoughts to, someone who I care about but not to the point where it matters if they take offence to something I say and have nothing to do with me anymore. What has this computer become to me? It has become a refuge from this life, a safe place for me to retreat to. I am being streached between too many things. I have my friends, family, school, the one I care about, and my own seperate interests all pulling me in secerate directions. I feel like a rubberband that is about to break. I will break soon I can feel it. I'm starting to now I can feel it I'm loosing it I can barely hold on. I need to choose two or three of these things to divide my time between. While my heart is telling me to go with the one that I care about my mind is telling me not to. You see I devoted 95% of my self towards/to someone and I was hut badly. The scars are still visable and burning white hot with pain on my soul. I will continue to streach myself again until I break at which point I will go with my heart. Thank you.
What is it that makes a "couple" a couple? Today someone asked if She and I are a couple now. I sat here for a few min and came up with nothing. I have been sitting here all day pondering as to what the anwer is. What I have come up with is this. It depends on how you look at it. If in order to be a couple you have to be dateing or going out then no we aren't a couple. But if you define being a couple by how you feel about each other then yes I feel that we are. I could be totally wrong but that is how I view it. As for "couples" that is up to you to decide.
The last few days have been really good. This is mostly due to the fact that I spent a lot of time with the person that I liike. It was also a four day weekend and friends were over a great portion of the time. Yet while it has been a good time I have found myself wanting to be somewhere else during the time that I have been home. What is it that repels me from this place, is it that it remindes me that I'm still tied to one place or is it that She isn't here? I donno maybe it is a mix of the two. Whatever it is it just feels wrong to be here.
Saturday was like torture. It wasn't because of the fact that I was at the school all day because of a stupid band thing. It was because I was with the person that I like and all day I wanted to hug them, or when sitting next to them I wanted to reach over and hold them. I never did either of these during the day. Why, what stopped me, what fealt so wrong about it? Was it that we arn't "Going out" or "dateing"? If so what about dateing makes it ok. Or is it something else? Is it that I have seen someone that I despise doing these things to someone when he is trying to get them to go out with him. Is it that somehow I think that if I do these things I'm like him? No that can't be it, he is so shallow the only reason that he wants a girlfriend is because he wants to have sex. I'm not like that I look at their personality. I care about this person because they have a great personality. I'm not saying that they don't look good because that is far from the truth. I'm just saying that I care about them because of there personality. I just don't know how to show that I care. Saturday I wanted more than anything to give them a hug or to hold them when we sat down next to eachother yet some invisable force stopped me. It is all very confusing.
What is this thing we call life. Is there really any point? I mean unless we do something major we will have never mattered. It is pointless in 100 years we will only be remembered by our children and grand chrildren. Once they are gone no one will know who we were. Ok so we are born, we go to school to prepaire ourselfs fo life. Once we are out of school we get a job and work until we are too old to work any more. If at some point we got married and had children we strive to make their lifes better than ours was. It is a never ending cycle. Ok so that was a very brod look at how life works. If we look at it more closely on a day to day level. We make mistakes and learn things from them. We are faced with many decisions that we can't really make we just endup doing something that we know nothing about. How can truly justify what we do? Even if we lived a thousand years in the thousandth year we wouldn't be qualified to make the decisions that we do, and our lifes would still be pointless.