May 13, 2004

Lost

I am lost. So much pressing in. It is unbearable yet somehow I block it keep it from showing. I can’t hold on anymore. I currently care about 3 things: Rachel, the MG, and friends. School is overwhelming. Now I will most likely graduate. My Mom and I have worked with the school to insure this. Hey I can even walk across the stage if I don’t have everything done. I don’t think I will though. School is not the problem it is just where I see it. No matter how much I say it doesn’t affect or bother me it really does. I guess being sick for 2.5 years affects you. Not many of you know what I am talking about so I will explain very briefly. Over the summer between freshmen and sophomore years I started to get sick. It happened so gradually I didn’t really notice it. The beginning of senior year we started to figure out what has been/ is going on with my body. Briefly I have a sleeping disorder similar to narcolepsy, all of my joints and mussels hurt at all times, on a good day I feel way worse than you do when you have the worst case of the flu, I have a viral infection in my brain, and mentally I feel like I am trapped in a thick fog that is slowing everything down. Yes maybe I seem a little out of it or short tempered with people who continually do stupid stuff, but I would think that I have an excuse for it. I want to talk to someone I need to talk. There is only one person who I will talk to yet I don’t because I worry about what she will think if I do. Sometimes I can’t hold it back and start to cry yet I still don’t talk I still keep it in. It will be a sad sight when I do finally break. I will miss all of next week other than Monday because I have a spinal tap on Tuesday. I might even miss tour that would really suck. I know that I need this though because I am starting to feel worse every day and this will help with finding a treatment. I want, no I need to talk, to cry, to release this confused mess, this torment, this self-inflected pain. Even with all of this I must be doing better than I was 1.5 years ago. I haven’t thought about/planned how I would kill myself lately. I used to be to the point where I couldn’t drive past a certain point on the road without thinking about it. You know if Danielle tries to piss me off again, not like she doesn’t still try, I mean if she tries to talk to me I will say this “Thank you. Thank you for teaching me a higher degree of self control and for teaching me not to put up with peoples shit such as acts for attention and their lies.” And when that is said I will turn around and walk off. Strange how things work out. How good can come from something so bad. I am amazed at the complexity of things.

Posted by UberZogster at 10:59 PM | Comments (2)