The last three entries were written thins weekend during a time in which I was sleep deprived. Now I have gotten sleep and I am in a better mood. I don't think that she doesn't like me and I don't Hate myself at the moment so I must be doing better.
I hate myself. Don’t ask me why I can’t explain it, I just do. I don’t understand the simplest things and don’t remember things such as names. I don’t know how to explain that I can’t remember or that I am actually trying and not just messing around. Now I’m crying I can’t explain that either I just am. Why because someone said that I should have played Frisbee with them. No that isn’t it I can’t tell you exactly. I don’t know how to explain how I feel how things affect me. Now the buss is leaving so I have to go. Ok well it is now a couple days later and I’m in a better mood so I can’t finish this.
So much is going through my mind. I can’t make sense out of it anymore. I wonder what she thinks about me. I would like to get into her mind and find out. I don’t know what she can see in me. If I met myself I would probably put up with him and wish he would go away. Is that what they think? “I’ll just put up with him and he will go away sooner or later.” I donno I think that that is how I would see myself. If that is how you feel I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to put up with anything. If you do for too long it will ruin you.
Today was interesting. I have started to feel worse everyday. Today was especially bad. This has started to affect the way that I act and think. I don’t want to accept it and I haven’t yet. I can’t keep doing the amount of stuff that I have been doing. I need to take it easy and just relax more. Today was weird though because it seemed like the one that I care about doesn’t like me anymore and it seemed like she likes one of my friends. I am pretty sure that this isn’t the case because it has seemed like this before and it was just me. I donno how to explain it just today I felt especially bad.
Last night was ball. I went with the person that I care about. She looked so great i can't describe just how great. Dinner was great we went to Fred's with some other people. At the Ball they only played 4 slow songs which was really disappointing. The rest of the time they played rap. I don't really dance and I could tell that she would have liked it better if I had danced more. I liked spending time with her but this just reminded me how much I don't like dances. I donno but I feel like everyone is watching and judging me. After about 30min I got to the point where I am about to cry but I'm not yet. The rest of the night it was everything I could do not to cry. I didn't want to say anything so I just hid it as well as I could. I ended up backing into the wall and staying there for comfort. I donno but I just really didn't feel comfortable and I didn't have the energy to deal with it. I guess I'm just trying to say that I really don't like dances, I know that I couldn't have been fun to be with, and for this I'm sorry.
Today someone asked me “Dude how did you get so lucky as to have so many hot friends?” It made me smile. I guess I don’t notice anymore my eyes are closed to that. I have found someone who is so incredibly beautiful. Not just on the outside she has inner beauty as well. Her personality is indescribable. She is perfect. She is a shining beacon to a lost traveler on a stormy sea. She brings so much joy with something as simple as resting her head on my shoulder. She will never know how much she means to me. Words cannot describe how I feel. I find myself wishing she were by my side as soon as we part. I have never felt this way before, I have never missed someone as much as I miss her. I love her. I can only hope she feels the same.
It is 1:00am I have school tomorrow I can’t sleep too much is going through my mind. I get up put on a pair of jeans and a long sleeved Levi shirt as well as my driving cap. I grab my keys and wallet off of the counter on the way out. The keys jangle together as they hit the MG symbol while swinging from my hand. I lower the top oh so gently and climb into the drivers seat. The engine purrs seconds after I turn the key. Where should I go tonight? I need a good thoughts road. Yes that is perfect, curvy, next to the river, and quiet. The night air comes down and hits my face as the car leans and the tires squeal. This is what I was made for this is what I know. Don’t challenge me in my domain you will loose. These are the moments I live for. A flash followed by a red streak with tires squealing. Yes this is it, this is me, I am now at peace.
I am lost. So much pressing in. It is unbearable yet somehow I block it keep it from showing. I can’t hold on anymore. I currently care about 3 things: Rachel, the MG, and friends. School is overwhelming. Now I will most likely graduate. My Mom and I have worked with the school to insure this. Hey I can even walk across the stage if I don’t have everything done. I don’t think I will though. School is not the problem it is just where I see it. No matter how much I say it doesn’t affect or bother me it really does. I guess being sick for 2.5 years affects you. Not many of you know what I am talking about so I will explain very briefly. Over the summer between freshmen and sophomore years I started to get sick. It happened so gradually I didn’t really notice it. The beginning of senior year we started to figure out what has been/ is going on with my body. Briefly I have a sleeping disorder similar to narcolepsy, all of my joints and mussels hurt at all times, on a good day I feel way worse than you do when you have the worst case of the flu, I have a viral infection in my brain, and mentally I feel like I am trapped in a thick fog that is slowing everything down. Yes maybe I seem a little out of it or short tempered with people who continually do stupid stuff, but I would think that I have an excuse for it. I want to talk to someone I need to talk. There is only one person who I will talk to yet I don’t because I worry about what she will think if I do. Sometimes I can’t hold it back and start to cry yet I still don’t talk I still keep it in. It will be a sad sight when I do finally break. I will miss all of next week other than Monday because I have a spinal tap on Tuesday. I might even miss tour that would really suck. I know that I need this though because I am starting to feel worse every day and this will help with finding a treatment. I want, no I need to talk, to cry, to release this confused mess, this torment, this self-inflected pain. Even with all of this I must be doing better than I was 1.5 years ago. I haven’t thought about/planned how I would kill myself lately. I used to be to the point where I couldn’t drive past a certain point on the road without thinking about it. You know if Danielle tries to piss me off again, not like she doesn’t still try, I mean if she tries to talk to me I will say this “Thank you. Thank you for teaching me a higher degree of self control and for teaching me not to put up with peoples shit such as acts for attention and their lies.” And when that is said I will turn around and walk off. Strange how things work out. How good can come from something so bad. I am amazed at the complexity of things.