Many people are asking me, "What do you plan on doing over the summer?"
And for years my answer has been, "Not much" or "I dunno."
Well, this time you are all in luck. For I am, for the first time ever, revealing what it is that I actually do over summer break.
I perfect the art of moving objects with my mind.
So if you ever walk in on me, and I'm staring intensely at an object, do not break my concentration. Just back-step quietly and close the door on your way out.
After I have successfully stared at said object undisturbed for about 2 hours, I will be hungry; it is at this point necessary to feed me. After staring at my plate and consuming my food, I will require large sums of money.
Acid, er... Incense, doesn't come cheap nowadays.
I have a confession:
I love Pez. Best candy ever.
Who needs crack when Pez is just 85¢ for an 8-pack?
I used to eat Pez all the time. I used to get it off this Indian guy who runs a store that was on my route home from school. Here's my story:
I was taking in about 56 packs a week... my grades were dropping, my wallet was going thin... but I just couldn't stop. When I take Pez it feels like I'm floating on the pure sensation that nothing else in the world matters other than the blissful aroma of Pez.
He stopped selling the stuff after a few months, and when I came to the store and it wasn't there, I went through the hardest night of my life. Tossing and turning, I was having mood swings... I thought I was going to die.
Next day. It wasn't there.
Day after that. Nothing.
By this point my eyes are red and my fingers are twitching. I need it so bad...
I tried to get some kind of buzz from spree and shock-tarts, but nothing could even compare to Pez. Oh how I miss you...
I eventually got over it, and I have been clean for nearly two years. Stores don't sell it anymore, so I haven't been tempted at all.
But the other day something happened.
I scored a pack off my brother's girlfriend's mom. I had been eying the Pez from the moment I stepped in the house, but I didn't say anything. I felt like maybe possibly stealing some, but that wouldn't be right... besides, they probably count it.
Anyway, I was helping them pack their stuff away, because they were moving. And she was so grateful for my services that she offered me a pack. I was hiding my drool... I took it without question and downed the whole thing in about two seconds.
And now I'm hooked again. I don't know what to do... THEY DON'T SELL IT ANYWHERE!!
My life is so hard right now, I really need some Pez to take my mind off things.
For the last two days I've been sniffing the wrapper like crack. It smells so good... I've been sniffing it so much that it's just a little pile of wrapper crumbs now.
I'm afraid of what I might do once the smell wears off... I need help. Staying inside this dark room alone with my computer, sniffin' Pez and writing about it to people I don't even know isn't healthy. It can't be...
I can't feel. I can't sleep. ...Maybe I'm insane.