mostly because I didn't go to class at all. We did two showings of the play, one at 9:15 and one at 12:45 (rough times, I don't really remeber when we started). Despite this, I had to be at school for call by 7:30. No time to sleep in. Shows went pretty well, I've more or less got all my cues memorized now, which makes it easier. Spent a lot of the time backstages wrestling with evan (literally) and sleeping.
Right now I feel rather strangely...its like all kinds of stuff is leaning on me, and I should feel squished and tired and sore, and I don't really feel anything. Maybe I'm just numb from lack of sleep. :D But really, all kinds of things are coming up, like that history paper, coffeehouse, MWE, spring break, prom, junior paper, etc. and I'm not that worried. I should be, this is gonna take a ton of work. I think I'm returning to my easy going self after a good two or three weeks of highs and lows. Highs and lows for me, that is...I'm sure everything would be pretty normal for someone else, but I'm not really used to feeling more that contentedness and excited happiness. Makes me rather hypocritical because I always pry when people consistantly say they're doing "ok" or "alright" because no one can be constantly ok...there are happier moments and sadder moments, and you're never really just ok. But I am. :D Suppose that means others must be too. I'll have to try and accept that.
My pondering question for the day has been one of trust. I tend to not be very trusting, one of my mantras is that if its not in someone's best interest to tell you something, you can't count on the doing it. This basic idea can be applied to all kinds of interactions with people, and in the past it has served to uncover things that I would not have otherwise known. It seems that this philosophy is useful before you become close to someone, but not after. There comes a certain point where you need to start trusting in order to maintain a healthy relationship and allow it to properly grow. Suspisions will only drive you apart, whether or not that are founded in fact. Even though I've realized this, though, I can't seem to let go of it...my mind is constantly searching for things that people wouldn't want to tell me yet seem likely. For example, anytime someone says one thing but seems to act to the contrary, I start examining the situation and thier actions to see what is "the truth", regardless of what they've said. And when you look hard enough for evidence of something, you're bound to find it. And then what do you do? A confrontation will not solve anything and if you were "lied" to in the first place, the crucial bond of trust has already been broken and you couldn't trust them to tell the truth anyhow. But if you're wrong, your doubt of them also breaks the bond of trust and they can no longer trust you. Clearly, the best responce (short of not getting suspicious in the first place) is to do nothing. But doing nothing means everything is trapped inside you and will slowly build up...
I still need to let go. There are some things I care about too much that are slowly taking over my life; I should not allow this. God, Family, School, Team...seems friends have slipped in right behind family, God keeps getting pushed aside, and school means next to nothing. Some reordering would definately be a good thing.
I've rediscovered Evanescence lately, been listening to them, SoCo, and Taking Back Sunday almost constantly. Emo is overwhelming...
On a similar note, I've learned I rather suck at playing serious piano...the two hands need to play DIFFERENT parts, that's what keeps getting me...practice makes perfect though...
Where Will You Go - Evanescence
This song used to be one of my athems but isn't so much anymore...I prefer You of late.
You're too important for anyone, there's something wrong with everything you see. But I know who you really are, you're the one who cries when you're alone. Where will you go with no one left to save you from yourself? I relalize you're afriad, but you can't reject the whole world. You can't escape, you won't escape, you don't want to escape. And where will you go?
Posted by Viper37 at March 2, 2004 09:40 PM