Yeah, its that time finally. Supposedly I worked on it all day, but I took time off for physics and some history reading, not to mention mass and taking my mom out to dinner. And the Usual Suspects. I figure few more hours tomorrow morning and some finishing work tomorrow night. Should be at starbucks at murry/scholls tomorrow with Dr. G. for all those interested in studying el physics.
Life...life is good, but confusing. Not really sure what's going on, though I'm not overly concerned about it. There are still some big things I need to figure out and I hate that I don't have time to do the figuring. I mean, paper this weekend and AP test, tests on tuesday and the outline is due for hist, then more tests, a track meet, a meeting with Harvard, and another test, then finally friday. Free time, right? Wrong...my time is spoken for. Rehersal all next week, coffeehouse friday, prom saturday, sleep/recovery sunday. And a french movie needs to be filmed in there too. Then, weekend after that, the play opens. So...maybe the weekend after the play I'll have time to think again. Heh. Finals are in there too, somewhere. Man. Just one free night...I'm gonna try and make time for thinking. And conversation.
Some people I'm close to aren't getting along still, and I hate it. But what can you do, right? People are people, you have to let them be and do what they want, who they want. Can't force change. I really learned that this year...no matter how much you try, how much you wish, how much you work at it, you can't force someone to change. Even when they want to change, you can't force it. Change needs to happen slowly, over time. And it rarely is caused by a deliberate effort. However, I think I've done some good. One friend is remarably different since I've known them. No longer insecure, worried...no longer depressed, I don't think. I like to think I had something to do with that. Others, who didn't need to change, are still doing well. I like that. Some people, though...I don't know what to do. I mean, there's times I just don't know how to help, or even if I should. Some people seem to be so set in their ways that they would hate you if you managed to change them. And its not really my right. But still...you have to try. Constantly, strive to accomplish good.
I was initiated as a Eucharistic Minister the other day. It felt...good. At the start, I felt kinda sad...I kept looking up at some of my friends sitting in the seats right across from me. I wanted to be up there too. Stupid, I know...just last year I was confident I wouldn't rather be anywhere at this mass than on the floor, in those chairs. Can't have everything. There was one moment, when 90% of my fellow Junior EM's went up to begin serving, that I did feel kinda lonely. Cole went to hug his grandparents (I think) and all the other EM's were away. I sat down, and seroiusly, I was the only one sitting there. Felt incredibly awkward...like I should move to the back of the section of chairs or something. Rach, however, saved the moment and came to join me in my solitary sitting. Thank God for friends...though I think she felt more awkward then me...sitting in the EM section while not an EM. Moment passed, though, when Colio and some other non-serving EM's returned and sat down around me. Spent the rest of mass making paper airplanes, teasing Rach, and commenting on the scandalous length of the underclassmen girls' skirts. Good times.
I've been thinking a lot lately. That's why it bugs me so much that I don't really have time to think. When I'm tired, or preoccupied, or working on something else, I can't really think. Those brilliant moments I have come to cherish, insights into the nature of man and whatnot, only seem to come when I'm truely at peace and able to concentrate on an issue fully. Summer, I think, could heal all my problems. Time again...glorious time.
Jessie can't go to prom, and this saddens me. She's a truely uplifting person, one I enjoy being around. There are a few people who posess the ability to make me forget whatevers bothering me in the back of my mind...surprisingly, she seems to be one of them. (How can you worry about something when there's someone so...alive around? I challenge you to sit with Jessie for 5 mintues and not smile. Or giggle.) Despite this prom setback, however, the evening should be fun. Scouted out the locals today and figured where I'll be parking. Considering renting a horse thingy if the weathers nice and I can find someone to gimme a lift back to my car....I like horses.
Coffeehouse, as I said, is coming up on friday. From the sounds of it, it will be almost, but not quite, as good as the last one. Though in all honesty, not much could compare to the last coffeehouse in terms of my enjoyment. Its not every day you get a year's anticipation fullfilled and a song dedicated to you. Thanks again! ;D
Anyone who doesn't have tickets yet for the Playwriting festival, get them. Otherwise, I might have to come around and rearrange your face. Or something like that. Still not a good tough guy, but Jen and Scotty think they can change that. I'm hopin so.
I have a lot of questions these days. And quite a few realizations. But that's a subject for another time...its 1 AM and I need to get up by about 9 tomorrow if I'm gonna have a decent draft of this paper in time to let my dad edit it while I talk with the Doc. Night all.
Lyrics for contempation while I sleep:
t Least We're Dreaming - Eve 6
When do we get to the part where I can go home,
been hiding inside the jungle gym for way too long
wiatin for someone to come along and find me
live in an apartment that bums me out
it don’t get better when the lights go out
wiatin for someone to come along and find me
swimin through the isles at the grocery store
I don’t even know what im lookin for
wiatin for someone to come along and find me
at least im breathin
at least im alive
as long as im dreamin
everythings gonna be alright
to the corner to call collect
your mother wants to know are you happy yet
wiatin for someone to come along and find you
goin out at night lookin for distractions
sleepin through the day theres no redemption
wiatin for someone to come along and find you
at least im breathin
at least im alive
as long as im dreamin
everythings gonna be alright
im alright, I tell myself twice
in the mirror before I cant go to sleep at night
I need a lullaby I need some time
I need to get a dime bag from my guy [x2]
at least im breathin
at least im alive
as long as im dreamin
everythings gonna be alright
im alright, I tell myself twice
in the mirror before I cant go to sleep at night
I need a lullaby I need some time
I need to get a dime bag from my guy [x2]
"All Of This" - Blink 182
With all of this I know now
Everything inside of my head
It all just goes to show how
Nothing I know changes me at all
Again I wait for this to change instead
To tear the world in two
Another night
"Here's Your Letter" - Blink 182
Here's a letter for you
But the words get confused
And the conversation dies
Apologize for the past
Talk some shit take it back
Are we cursed to this life
I can't let this kill me, let go
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this
I'm talking to the ceiling
My life just lost all meaning
Do one thing for me tonight
I'm dying in this silence
The last star left in heaven
Is falling down to earth and
Do you still feel the same way
Do you still feel the same way...?
I hope I won't forget you...