There are times when I lose all motivation. Right now, I literally have zero short term motivation. The thing I'm most excited for is the sudden realization that if I actually put in some effort, I could seriously kick ass at football. Downside is I've never in my life put effort into things of this nature. Regardless, I feel a sudden urge to drop everything else and start lifting and running until I can barely move. Self punishment, if you will.
But as for the near future...I don't want to go to school tomorrow; in fact, the best part of my day will be my religion final. I'M ACTUALLY LOOKING FOREWARD TO WRITING ESSAYS MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN MY DAY! How incredibly pathetic is that? Math and physics mean nothing to me, organic chem is far more boring than I thought, I have no Econ. lecture tomorrow, french is...french, and there's only so many distractions in English (not that Mr. Wendt isn't the coolest English teacher alive...just that I don't really see any reason to go to class.)
Oh, and my mom thinks I'm coming down with mono or something. I think its cause of my extreme apathy stealing all my energy. But still...I hope she's wrong. Sickness wouldn't help me at all.
Several things I've wanted for a long time are rather shakey, others might fall apart. The sad part here is I can't muster the enthusiasm to care. Today I honestly began considering getting a job just so that I might have someplace to go every day...I'm not sure how much I'm gonna enjoy having free time this summer. I've looked forward to it ever since school started, and now I almost don't want it to come. Emotions suck.
After some deep thought today, I decided ignoring someone is the cruelest thing one person can do to another. You refuse to acknowledge their humanity, or even exsitance. I longed to punch a wall (later I gave in and beat on the floor, and almost dislocated a finger from not pulling the last one...then I beat the shit outta a soccerball...I hope I didn't dent anything with it). There's a point where you're ready to grab someone and scream at them "I'M RIGHT HERE! LOOK AT ME! CURSE ME, LOVE ME, HATE ME, JUST ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I'M ALIVE!" or some variation. I can't even call today a bad day, though...bad days are categorized by extreme negative feelings/events, whereas today I just had a huge buildup of emotion...not really negative or positive. *sigh* I wish everything could be simple again...I've decided the best single moments of my highschool life were summer-fall soph year and summer junior year. Dislocating my kneecap kinda ruined this year for me, I suppose...amongst other things. Not that its been bad...just not as extremely awesome as it should have been. Once more I find myself in transition, needing to decide what kind of person I will let myself be. I'm tired of being the motivator, the one who puts in the effort and gets people to do things or maintains relationships. I guess if things that require more than one person don't mean as much to others as they do to me, I'll deal with that and stop trying to make them care. It doesn't work in the long run.
This means, if I can actually stick to it, that you probably won't see me much away from the track/weightroom/whereever I'm working out areas this summer. I need to fundementally change the way I spend time. As much as I've loved it, hanging out hasn't accomplished the things I wanted it to and football, which I had been pulling away from all year, offers hope of salvation. I need to care about something along with people who share my dream, to try at something as hard as I can and succeed or fail know that I, and my friends, did everything possible to accomplish that goal. No more of this wishy-washy "I wanna do this but this other thing came up." or even worse, a lack of desire that infects me aswell. I'm fully aware that my chances of starting next year are nowhere near good, but that's OK. So long as I work my ass off, I'll find joy...I think.
To those of you (you know who you are) who seem able to read my moods better than I do and offer support (which I don't seem to notice) in my time of need: thank you. Weakness's true danger is in our inability to admit it...as you may have noticed, I hate to admit it. Please, keep doing what you're doing even when it seems I don't care...I really do.
I challenge all you cowards out there, you who gossip and chatter in the dark, who don't dare face me with your feelings but instead attempt to stab people in the back to grow a spine. Sadly, you won't heed this anymore than you do when I ask you to your face. Maybe sometime soon I'll grow a spine and do something about it. Regardless, if you can't look at yourself in the mirror and honestally say you care about others feelings, I feel I have no need to associate with you. You're better off on your own.
"She Said" - Homegrown
"Queen of Pain" - Alkaline Trio
"Failure by Design" - Brand New
"Jude Law and a Semester Abroad" - Brand New
I'd rather be beaten than ignored. Physical pain fades with time, emotional cruelty scars the heart.
Posted by Viper37 at May 26, 2004 11:11 PMThere's always another side to people, isn't there? A side people don't want to show but its screaming to get out, and it looks like you have found that outlet. Welcome to the teen years. Someone really needs to write a manual about all of this. We all hide who we really are, and the greatest person is the one who doesn't need to hide who they are at all.
Remember: You will always have the PAC
~N
Yeah...all that stuff they tell us about people wearing masks is quite true, isn't it? I'd like to think I don't wear one very often, but there are several times where I act differently than I want to or do something that just isn't me, normally because I think it fits the situation better than the "real" me does. It's always something to avoid, I think.
And thanks for the reminder about the PAC...it has become my sancuarary lately, in fact. :D
A note to those who commented to me elsewhere on the contents of this post:
You warn me, as a friend, that there is a fundemental flaw in my outlook. I was told, simply, that such material goals as football couldn't offer fulfillment. I beg to differ. I do not deny God, nor say that He does not offer a sense of completeness. However, if all He wanted was for us to sit around and worship him, or try and convert people to Him, or some such, He would not have built us this truely wonderful world. He would not have infused in me a desire to try at something and succeed, a desire to change things, a desire to make a difference in all things that I do. You're right, its possible I will try and fail. But so long as I actually try, I will be happy. That is what I need right now: to put my full effort into something and see what happens. For too long, I've hesitated, held back, and refrained because of a fear of failure. Part of why I don't bother studying for most tests or putting effort into many papers is that if I were to do this and fail, it would hurt. If I half-ass it and fail, there's no emotional pain because I can always say I didn't really try, it wasn't really me doing the work. The work brings the joy. I've found it before and didn't lose it until I had myself so filled with fear that I didn't want to put my pads on anymore.
I would be happy to continue this conversation with the parties involved at a later day, however...there's always more one can learn.
Heh, I think its time for another post anyways.
-JB
Posted by: Vipey at May 29, 2004 02:16 PM