Vipey's Den

It's about the little things...

This week seems to have stretched since school got out. No joke. This afternoon, I began thinking back through everything that's happened in the last 5 days (which constitutes "this week") and it felt like a good month or so. Crazy.

Everyone's back now, though kenny just left again today. Good part is I got to hang with him several times before he headed west...who knows, I may even pull a mini road trip early next week to visit the man. That would be very sweet. Also, I've now seen everyone who went away, at least for a little while. Irked a few people (as always :D), made up again, and all is right in my little world. The biggest difference, I think, since last year is in ourselves. I took my sister shopping today and so I had several quality minutes in the gap to think over how things are and how things were. Really, we've changed a lot. People who used to be shy are now brave, those who once were self-reliant to the point of exclusion will now let others in, those who once smiled and said pretty nothings will now readily admit the truth, those who were once jealous are now joyful, those who were once afraid are now couragous, and those who were once here are now gone.
Wow, that was pure literary crap. It appears my inability to express emotion in concrete sentences has not changed.
Regardless, in many ways everyone has grown up a little. But the thing that really amazes me is how genuinely good people still are. It really renews my hope to observe that a year, and all the events contained within it, could not change that. Its almost enough to convince me we will always be this way. Hope springs eternal.
Please don't get me wrong, though...not everything is "ideal" and perfect in this little world. People are still petty, and obsessive, and mean-hearted, and forgetful (especially me!) and continually able to induce stress and pain in to both their lives and the lives of those around them. But all of that is insignificant compared to the caring and honest love you can see in these wonderful people. I'm sure you all know who you are as you read this: you are the ones who for one reason or another have chosen to go out of your way and demonstrate love (more specifically, you've done this when I've noticed or heard about it). That, for those of you who went, is the true legacy of the Encounter. And perhaps the Plunge. Perhaps I can go so far as to say that is God acting through you. Perhaps not...that might be a stretch even for me. It is no matter what exactly is the cause, though, for whatever the reason it is truely great. I can, will all sincerity, state that I have never had better friends. The amazing part is, though, not that you fellas are good to me, but that you are good to each other and to other people around you. That's what inspires me.

What is truely ironic is the incredible shift between last summer and this summer. Last year I had huge, huge expectations for the year. On the fourth day of doubles, those expectations kinda tanked with a lovely trip to the ER. That sparked off what was surely the most...interesting, I guess, year of my life. A summer of anticipation followed by a year of highs and lows. Last summer, I don't think I noticed any stress in anyone I was around. It was probably there, I just didn't see it. Now, though, I have no high anticipations. Football, sure, will rock...but college applications won't. But now that I kinda dread the school year, and notice tons of stress in people I'm close to, I feel great. I check today to make sure I shouldn't feel guilty for this and my trusty confidant/advisor/whatever-the-hell-you-wanna-call-that-good-friend told me it was ok. So guilt free, I can happily state that life is friggen amazing. If you disagree...well, you have my sympathies.

I've also rediscovered adreniline rushes. As you might be able to tell, I'm on the tail end of one right now, hence the rather chaotic writing style and lack of true coherency. Who cares, eh?

I think the most important thing that's been happening for me lately has been the realization of several lessons a friend has been trying, intentionally or not, to teach me. Long bantering discussions always seem to focus around some sort of moral truth about life. Rarely, if ever, did these lessons really sink in for me. It was more common for me to understand some line or emotion from a film ("No woman in the history of the world is having better sex than sex you are having with Ian... in my head. " and the painful reaction this visage caused) or from music ("This house is full of eyes, but I can't look at anyone, they've seen this face a thousand times...the most relaxing thing I do is hang halfway out a third floor window and look at rocks...") but never those little tidbits of wisdom one far wiser than myself tried so hard to impart upon me. I would always question, thinking I sought answers, but lose the answer through the very questions I asked. Some of the many things I have learned, or rather, realized:
Lies, truth...it doesn't really matter. We never are decieved, we just decieve ourselves. Regardless of the reality, the memories we make are real and always will remain such, even if the future goes awry.
Questioning constantly gets you no where if you cannot listen and understand the answers. Silence can be louder and more meaningful than a thousand empty words.
Love really is the greatest feeling on earth, even if its just some 4 year old thanking you for a cookie. While actively seeking out love will get you no where, passively searching your life for it can reveal it all around you. Not that having someone you can love and admit it to, and who does the same to you, isn't great too.
You just have to trust. No one can really make it easier for you, no amount of precautions will save you from pain, nothing can really lessen the risk after a point. Reach that point and jump without a second thought...some days you'll fall, some days you'll fly. Try to surround yourself with people who will let you fly instead of forcing you to fall.
Only take things seriously when they need to be taken seriously. Never, never, never make a big deal out of something that's not. Examine and criticize yourself before presuming to judge others. Most often the things that bother us in them are the very things we hate and ignore about ourselves.
Don't be afraid to dream, just remember to separate your dreams from you reality. Accept life for what it is, don't pretend its something better. Embrace it with all the ugliness and scars and pain, for only then can you appreciate the love and beauty and sunshine. Oh, and the same things goes doubly for people. People are flawed, it makes the even more beautiful.
Never risk sacraficing something meaninful to you over something meaningless. Think before speaking in critical moments, strive to do so in life. Think twice before speaking with emotion. Don't let emotion build inside of you without a release...better to let some air out of the ballon then let it explode.
Above all else, do the best that you can in the situations presented to you. If you can, trust in God. He will see you through it all.
Creation doesn't always need to be shared...sometimes the joy it brings its creator is enough. Shared creation, however, can bring joy to countless people.

That's all that I've got for now, I'm sure more will come later.

I used to think I was lucky...now I begin to realize I'm more blessed...we're all blessed. Embrace that.

Alkaline Trio is still the music du semain.

"At least we're still friends, at least we're still alive...you're my angel, you little devil..."

"I wanna wake up naked
next to you
kissing the curve
in your
CLAVICLE!"

(Best ananomical reference in a song ever. Trust me. Plus...who knows where a clavicle is? I do now!)

"It’s everything that I can do right now
To not think about you moving further off
With every passing second
Every night of this lonely summertime
I feel it missing from my heart
A part was kicked back from my soul
Well I can hardly wait
Until I get the sun and your lips both pressing on my skin
Well I can hardly wait
Until I feel that thrill in my heart that starts inside your
eyes
And the song in my head that burns so good on my tongue"

They call it "Blue Carolina" because Matt Skiba had just broken up with his girlfriend and missed her. I see it more as a song of hope...sure, bad shit happens in life, people part ways, but there's always that hope...

Do you have hope?

Posted by Viper37 at July 2, 2004 06:20 PM