which just goes to show I write too much. I'd hoped I'd write entertaining things here. As it turned out, this is more a little window into the madness that is my head. A rather heavily filtered window in that everything gets exaggerated when its written down. Oh well.
I hate those moments when you suddenly stop and wonder what on earth you've been missing for the last TWO YEARS. I swear I know this person really, really well. I woulda bet that I knew them better than just about anyone. They'd even commented I knew them better than they knew themself. But tonight, everone else seemed to know about a certain side of this person that I never realized was there. Well, the thought had crossed my mind within the last week, but I thought it was a recent developement. Not something that had always been there. This person is quite important to me, but now I'm faced with either 1) they don't fit into my little stereotype of what is good or 2) everyone else is badmouthing them. All things considered, I'm betting on one. How do I react to this? Change what I think is good and ok? Morals are no so easily flipped. I recognize certain behavior, like drinking or drug use, is common and can accept it in people I DON'T know well, or even in those people who I consider decent friends. But in the people close to me, I can't seem to accept it. Its like coming home one day to learn your mom is an alchoholic (this happened to a friend of mine a while ago). Completely shifts your view of them. You have to question your interactions with that person...were they drunk at this point? Did they do that because they loved me or because the booze was making them feel good? Etc. I really don't know how to treat this...I've been pretending it doesn't exsist for over a month now, but since everyone else seems to recognize it I can't do that anymore. But how...
Can't confront them about it, they think they're behavior is ok. And who am I to say its wrong? Sure, quoting the Bible or some moral law thing would prove my point, but anything can be proven from the Bible and moral law could be corrupted. Why do I feel I'm right? Why can't I accept his about them? WHY IS THIS SUCH A BIG DEAL TO ME!?!?!
I hate myself sometimes.
I think this is what's been driving us apart...they realize I can't accept this part of them so they try to hide it from me. Now they don't care to anymore, or they can't. And I keep questioning if I'm the only one who disagrees. When did things change on me, or have they always been like this? Hell...I've even been next to this person while the questionable behavior went on and I just turned away, or took a nap. Can I blame them at all? Can I avoid blaming myself? Shouldn't there be some way to convince myself: hey, this person meant a lot to you before you knew this, they haven't changed, so shouldn't they still?
Part of it seems to be worry over my own reputation. That's shallow and egotistical of me. I wouldn't hang with druggies for fear of being labled one.
Or is it more I wouldn't hang with druggies for fear of becoming one? My friend deals in things I never wanted to become a part of. Some things just aren't right, are they?
But I'm not getting an answer.
I trust them as much as I trust myself, I would gladly do anything they asked of me, yet now...I'm sitting here wondering if they're really the person I thought I knew, if everything we've shared has been an extension of an elaborate lie woven to hook me, to suck me in and blind me from the truth. But I closed my eyes, didn't I? My choice...
Always my choice.
I still can't accept it...this person cannot be the person others say they are...can they? It doesn't fit, does it? I've been denying it so long I literally can't accept it...I don't WANT it to be true. But...they told me themself...
Screw it.
I just wasted an hour of my life on this. Why? I don't know.
What's gonna happen between us is gonna happen. I can't...can't accept this. But I've seen the proof myself. Now what do I do?
And no answers...never an answer...only silence.
Silence.
Shows done, after strike tomorrow tech takes a 2 monthish holiday. And football starts. At least there I don't need to worry anymore.
And maybe...maybe I won't see this person for a while after tomorrow. Sucky thought, one that would have made me feel like shit a few weeks ago. But now...everytime I see them...it hurts...and the thought of being away...is somewhat pleasant...
What a wonderful person I am. I'm excited to be away from a good friend for a while because now I don't have to deal with what kind of person they might be, what kind of person I'm afraid they are, or what is gonna happen between me and the person I thought would save me from myself and hold my hand for the next howevermany years.
Just another broken dream, I guess.
But hey...for the first time, I didn't break anything during a show I was working on. If I can just keep that up for a while...
Music du soir: Open Road Song - Eve6
Because 10 miles at 60 plus with the windows down will dull any pain and make you forget any fears or concerns...
Posted by Viper37 at August 1, 2004 01:32 AMWOW.
Is this person actually involved in drugs or is this just an example you used over and over?
If so, .. they could just be acting out. Sometimes when people are young and they want to seem older.. or something.. they try to establish themselves as "not a child" by cussing, drinking, partying... If it is drinking they may think "well I am in the 'COLLEGE' phase of life now, everybody drinks there.. so .. I will too." Most likely this person is insecure and very mislead if this is the case...
BUT
IF it is drugs.. there are a few things you can do.
-Not hang out with them anymore.
While this is somewhat drastic.. if you really think you might get sucked into that sort of stuff.. get out.
-Try to get them help from others or yourself
-Accept what they do and tolerate it
-Be around them occasionally.. but don’t spend any more of your time working on the relationship.
If it isn't drugs and that was just an example.. sometimes people have flaws and you have to love them for their flaws. If this person is who I think they are.. In the past you used to sort of place this person on top a sort of a pedestal. A god like position where they couldn't be touched and nothing was wrong with them. .. Unfortunately, whenever people do this..
it tends to never work.
And.. why does this mean so much to you?
Perhaps you know the answer to that yourself.
Perhaps..
it is the answer I have seen all along.
The answer you used to see as well.
Anyways.. heavy post..
I concur with Mary's analysis: heavy post, dude. However, I know what it feels like, a little bit. I used to invest so much energy into one person, put all my hopes (subconsciously, perhaps) into them...and then they, usually without meaning to, did something that betrayed my view of them. And I severed contact. Not exactly what's going on here, but it gives me the illusion that I can relate.
JB, the thing that I admire about your entries, and at the same time it drives me absolutely crazy, is your ability to be vague enough that I don't really know what you're talking about. I mean, of course you don't disclose everything...I'm just whining here because you have piqued my curiosity to the Nth degree. Are you really talking about drugs? Or was that a clever comparison to the real life situation, that I started to wonder about (but once again, only slightly because of your vagueness :P) when I first started reading?
Well, in any case, greetings from Reding, CA. Either coming home today or tomorrow. Peace out, bud.
Posted by: Mikee at August 4, 2004 09:34 AMMIKEE!!!!
Dude, look me up when you get back...been far too long since I've hung with you, amigo. (I got football in the mornin's this week and often have things until close to 4, but still, gimme a ring. :D)
If you really wanna know things, catch me on aim. I hate writing specifics in a place where literally anyone can see them...I try to get enough down to record my thoughs/feelings at different moments in time, and keep people vaguely updated on why I'm acting so weird. :D
The ironic part about the stuff mentioned in the entry...I'm doing absolutely nothing about it and refusing to worry for a good 4 weeks. Its amazing how the rush of endorphins from football really make me not care about problems that otherwise might take all my energy.
About the only difference lately is that I haven't been sleeping well...evil shit works its way into my dreams and those pre-sleep moments I devote to actual thought. I imagine that too will pass with time, though...it always does.
Posted by: Vipey at August 4, 2004 09:02 PM