Today was really the stereotype of my life. I slept in, got to school and hung out with some friends in the PAC (looking at pictures of a friend when she was younger...very cute ^ ^), went to classes and tried to stay awake while having no difficulty convincing the teacher I was paying rapt attention, went off to CJ's for lunch and got my bacon western, partied in tech before putting up with two more boring classes, then headed to a football meeting where I was given free food. After that, I hung out in the halls some more and managed to piss no less than two friends off, chased one around for a little while after getting water poured all over me, and was called multiple names ranging from "jerk" to "insensitive insufferable prat!" while the other expressed her displeasure by simply ignoring me again. Yay. I then met up with rach and helped her lift some stuff, talked tech for a while, then we all headed over to cynda's where we played on the trampoline. It's possible to reduce rach to manic laughter just by bouncing her around. Who knew? :D
Dylan said all of one word to me, then ignored me for the rest of the time I was there. That pissed me off. Part of why I came was in the hopes of seeing him. That's fine, though, I'm not gonna allow ANYONE to tell me who I can and cannot associate with. Especially not when the person in question could really use some good friends right now and the person telling me to not hang with them is acting like a friggen asshole towards them.
Then teh Jamboree, where I was in for about a third of the defensive plays against LO and got tons of free food and comforted cynda after her car was borrowed. Then I drove home screaming AK3 at the top of my lungs.
As I say, the stereotype of my life. There was one exception though, or one possible exception. Before games, I take some time by myself, usually in junior hall, to gather my thoughts and prepare myself mentally. Today, all I wanted to do was cry. Haven't felt like that in a while. I'm not entirely sure why, either. I guess in part I feel like I'm failing myself, my old coaches, my parents, or even the people I've let beleive I was good at football for so long by not having a starting spot, or even a definate second string spot. I had zero plays of offence today, an unthinkable occurance three months ago. And I knew I wouldn't get any.
The other part was my lack of control over myself. I've been working really, really hard to get over some things and move on in life and its just not working for me. I'm being ruled by my emtions instead of ruling them. This afternoon, I wanted to bust in a locker, scream really loud, or find someone to get into a fight with and have the crap kicked outta me. I still do, actually...football didn't exhaust me like usual. Probably cause I played so little. Whatever.
I get to "escape" to sunriver this weekend. Forget all about school, football, social crap, everything, and just zone out for a weekend. I was upset I "had" to go last weekend, now I'm looking foreward to it. A ton.
Yeah, I'm sharp as a fucking marble. Maybe, if I'm lucky, your next look will actually cut me. I'd love to bleed some of this shit outta my system. Pity I'm too weak to do it myself.
Fuck you, my love, fuck you. You don't need this, I don't need this, maybe one day you'll finally throw me away for good...then I could let go. Until then...yeah, I fucking love you...and I hate you...I wish this would all stop...
Fuck it.
Posted by Viper37 at September 2, 2004 09:41 PM