I love how I am, at least sometimes, a complete and total asshole. I know I am, I recognize fully that what I'm doing/about to do/just did was very assholish, and I still do it. There isn't even much remorse there...sure, I feel bad if I hurt someone, but I don't feel bad about being an asshole. I think its just who I am.
The funniest part is when someone else, someone who doesn't really know me or understand what's going on, completely misreads a situation. And tries to talk me down from my pedastool of jerk. Of course I realize I'm pissing someone off...do you really think I can be THAT annoying that consistantly by accident? Especially when you barely know the person I'm annoying, and I know them incredibly well. Take a small hint from the fact that everyone else got the idea and gave me the space to be me. Hell, even the target of my assholeness was aware of what I was doing and didn't stop it. So please, while I appreciate the jesture and all...don't waste your breath trying to tell me "hey dude...I think you really made them mad. You gotta stop now." Possibly, just possibly, I was trying to get YOU to walk away for a second so I could say some shit that had to be said. And possibly, just possibly, that's why they slowed down and no one else did. I challenge you to improve your social awareness so that such things do not happen in the future. Face it...people around me either get pissed off with me or don't. Please don't try and change that fact...its much better than no one noticing you. But you probably knew that.
Sorry about that bit of rantness...I'm not angry or bothered, really, just really really amused. I'm forced to wonder, though, how often the shit I do is over the top. As I say, rach has never hit me. And the only time the people who know me have told me to drop shit was late at night when I carry on jokes too far. I have this vision of me in a year being the person everone in college despises for some reason or another. For some reason, that doesn't bother me at all. I think there's a "bad" side of me that wants to be hated. I'm really a self-defeating asshole...the more I care about something, the more of a jerk I become. Except when I feel at all needed/wanted in a situation. The people who consistantly need/want me around I'm really pleasant too. Same with the ones where I understand why they want to be around me. Its only when I no longer can understand what someone else gets outta a friendship that I really become an asshole to them. I guess I subconciously want to drive them away or test how deep the friendship goes. If I can pull a ton of shit and we stay friends, then I'll be ok. Better to find out how shallow it is intentionally than accidentally...I like only being able to blame myself. Keeps me from getting angry at other people.
Posted by Viper37 at September 11, 2004 09:29 PM