I found out today that Coach Massey's father died on Sept. 11 this year.
When KP told us...I almost cried. That's...not right. I don't cry. At least barely ever, and even rarer are tears of sadness instead of tears of rage/extreme pain. Then, when Massey talked to us about respecting the flags, his dad being a a vertran, etc....I almost teared up again. Somethings definately not working right in my head.
Question to the readership...can a consistant patter of good habbits, or good deeds, counterbalance moments of evil and wrongdoing? That is, does doing your best to be a good person most of the time offset those times you find yourself being simply terrible?
Further question: how do you judge a persons "goodness"? Is it thoughts or actions that count? Or perhaps some combination?'
I keep oscillating between anger, joy, and sorrow. I think I've got it under control to the point that most people take no notice, but its definately there. I'll know I've hit rock bottom when I go from doing a happy dance in the halls to bawling like a baby to decking someone, then repeating this cycle.
About the only really positive thing I can say is that I've finally let go. The pain seems to be gone. I think a large part is the acknowledgement that I did it almost intentionally. An equal part is probably the realization that other people care as much or more, too.
I am now forced to doubt whether love is real or purely imaginary, though. More on this when I figure it out...for now, I'm sleeping.