...which I beleive might be needed for the previous entry.
No, I'm not depressed. At all. Allow me to repeat: my life is better than its ever been. Really.
Perhaps the key point here is "my". I keep feeling guilty, kinda, that I have things so great when its rather obvious the rest of the world, more particularly most of the people I care about, aren't so lucky. I'm an idealist, the fact that the world isn't ideal is the most annoying thing ever.
No, I don't hate you, nor do I care about any of you less than before. In case you haven't noticed (and if you're really bored and want some emotional trash, read over the archieves here and you will) I post when either I'm extremely extremely happy or when I'm not feeling so hot. As a result, things here are more verbal expressions of little feelings I've been having. Which might be bad, but it helps me to see where I've been and pick out general trends in my life.
When I say I can't talk to most people, I literally mean just that. Even if I mentally felt fine opening up to someone, I won't, just because of who I am. It has nothing to do with a lack of trust or anything like that. I'm just rather introverted by nature. I'm sure you'd never guess from looking at me now, but I had all of...five, maybe, good friends until the end of frosh year and even me good amigos and I didn't talk much about our own stuff. So I'm used to not sharing. Plus...think about the stuff I know about you...you wouldn't want me sharing that with anyone. I don't share that with anyone, but that's part of why I don't open up to someone.
And the bit about stopping caring...that's more of the "verbal expression of a minor emtion" type thing. A part of me keeps screaming that if only I didn't care, things would be fine...because then I could just focus on my own great life and not worry about problems. But if I really did that, I would hate who I was and be worse off than before.
I think the thing that keeps getting to me is how frustrating some things are. I like to *solve* things, not keep watching other people fight with them. So yeah, it does kinda tear me up to see you hurt. Your pain, my pain...mine a paler echo of yours, but still proportional to it. That doesn't mean stop sharing...but it does mean I'd like to ask you to remain honest and remember that human nature has me assume the worst. If you suddenly clam up, I (like you, I think) assume its because of me. When you tell me to go away, I assume I did something that hurt you badly. And that is the thing that hurts more than anything...thinking I hurt someone I cared about. That's maybe my biggest fear, the thing I want to avoid more than anything else.
So please...if you're a regular read of this weird, twisted window into my head...everything here is a magnified bit of something inside me. It comes across as being major, earth-shattering, etc. but really isn't. Were I really mad at you, there'd be no question in your mind I was mad at you. Same goes for if I had a major problem with you. Ya know all those very direct solutions I propose to your problems? Yeah, those are normally the things I would do. Screw the consequences sometimes, its better to "shoot the moon" and be able to sleep at night than keep awake because something is bothering you.
Right...I'm tired, this was a ramble, feel free to ignore it or whatever.
I love you!
Posted by Viper37 at November 22, 2004 10:50 PM