Yeah, that's Sunday. Fear.
I'm feeling a bit nervous about ND these days...I've seen so many people get in to their first-choice school and go nuts and seen several who didn't get in...some of whom seemed kinda crushed. I haven't felt much in the way of emotions for or against getting in, other than a desire not to look like a total idiot by managing to get declined (or really, even deferred) from a school that I should be able to get into. For some reason, I just feel I might not make it in. Which would throw a bit of a wrench into my current college plans and cause my parents endless hours of gloating.
So today, I meant to go back and help set up for mass after delivering food. However, after not dropping off the food until 2:30ish, I felt completely drained. I took karolyn back to her house (she was my driving partner all day) and then slept. And sorta forgot about the mass. Go figure.
I've been feeling weird lately. I go from being utterly happy and secure to nervous/anxious. Sometimes the feelings are justified, other times, I know I have no real reason for it. Part of it is I'm just getting too stressed with little things. I continually repress irritation and annoyance, don't address it, and it slowly builds up until I'm ready to explode at the source of it. What's worse is my paranoia. I mean...I've noticed that I'm trusting fewer and fewer people now. To some extent, I have reasons...a few people have done things to indicate that while they are good intentioned, telling them sensitive things might not be a good idea. One person in particular has a tendancy to tell the world anything/everything they know...without realizing it. Even my own mom will promise not to mention something (like my college plans) to anyone and then immediately tell the next person to ask. She doesn't mean to do anything "wrong" or hurtful, but I hate how frequently people ask about college and then assume I'm set. They're building me up to either place no value on suceeding (which has already happened to some degree) or fail miserably and have to reevaluate my life because clearly I'm not that smart if I can't get in to school x.
We'll see.
The other pet peeve...people passing judgements. I swear, the next person who cracks a joke that I was off "making out" while going to get a ladder or "having a quickie" on the way to a movie will not have to tolerate my presence outside of class for quite some time. Some jokes are funny, others are not, and some are downright mean. Especially not when you mean them seriously and are trying to find some way to embarrass me or get me to admit something. Or becaues you joke out of jealousy for a perceived situation. I know some people mean well, but I'm sick of the under-the-breath comments that insinuate something that I consider ungentlemanly and completely innapropriate. Sophmore year, I handed a friend an ultimatium that if he made one more sexual joke or reference to a female friend of mine, I would kick his ass, assult charges or none. This is approaching that state - you're all well aware I don't take offence when you say things about me, but when you insult my loved ones in a way that could hurt them or smear their good name, I am forced to take action.
I'm so incredibly tired. Maybe I'll just sleep all weekend.
I love you!
Posted by Viper37 at December 16, 2004 09:37 PMFirst of all, yay for food drive!
Okay, now that that's setteled, a few other things. From your earlier post, I can't believe people were consoling you days and even weeks after the game ended. It's just a game, not a war. It's not like anyone is suffering from PTSD afterwords. Also, I've been monitoring (for lack of a better word) your posts for a while. They seem to have become your source of venting your feelings. While i'm sure this is a good thing, many people have some kind of journal, i've noticed that your comments have moved from passive annoyance, to frustration and outright anger, to becoming slightly threatning. I'm no psysichiatrist or anything, and as much as I might think i'm doing the right thing, my methods might be completely off. Your stressed about colleges, as you yourself know. People put too much emphasis on colleges these days. Napolen Bonaparte only got above average grades, and he conquered the world. you don't see many harvord or stanford grads doing that. Maybe you might want to talk to people about how you're feeling, and about what you really don't like. That's my strategy, and it deffinately does not always worked out, but i think, how can people be better if they don't know what there is to change? But it is up to you, and the way you do things.
Posted by: ~N at December 16, 2004 10:22 PMJohn, I'm sorry if I've made the comments of which you speak... I can be an absolute retard when it comes to that sort of stuff because I tend to spout out whatever first comes to mind, a bad habit I know. Anyway, I hope that this weekend refreshed you a bit... thanks for everything.
Posted by: A at December 19, 2004 02:58 PM