Vipey's Den

Ghost in a shell...

...as weird as that movie was (Chris, Chris, Chris...naked anime chicks? Really... :P) I can't think of a better description for myself at the moment. I played chess after school against doug and held my own (after a fashion) but got royally beat on by the computer. And amazingly, this kinda took my heart out. I mean...I shouldn't care about chess. And I've never beaten this damn program, I'm just not good enough. But for some reason, losing to it time after time took away my spirit for a while...I concluded the game with no energy or motivation. And with the mindset that I'll get my ass handed to me by Benson tomorrow. Which I also shouldn't care about...except that Ben is counting on me and has confidence in me and I'd hate to let him down.
After chess, my mom took me to costco where I wandered around aimlessly, grabbing items I wanted and then putting them back when they were vetoed by my mother. And she wondered why I wasn't talkative and had no desire to make "small talk" about the coming Encounter.
I noticed a trend - when you're around, I feel so incredibly alive and happy and safe and comfortable, when you're not, I get tired and depressed and nervous and keep wanting to go somewhere else or do something else. The only exception to this is if I get too busy with something to stop and think, parts of strike serving as a good example. Next year will be hell...a part of me knows I need it and says it will be good for me (after all, I need to prove to myself I can survive on my own and am not dependent on anyone) but I know my heart will be dying. If we talk enough, I think I'll be able to cope...but it'll still hurt. And of course, there's always the fear and doubt in the back of my mind about being that far away for so long...what if you decide to move on? Hell, what if I became strongly tempted to move on (I consider that less likely...but who knows the future... >_<). And then there's being away from my family...sure, I really want to get away sometimes, but the lack of people who unconditionally love me will hurt a ton. Worst part is, when I'll really miss it will be when I really need it and when I'll be in the worst shape already. Sorta a downward spiral or something.
Thank God I'm not leading this weekend...I can't even sort my own feelings out, much less try and help others with theirs. I told my parents not to worry about doing anything special for me and went so far as to propose I might go to a party whenever I get back, if I have the energy. Someone tried to tell me today that cooks weren't really a part of the Encounter experience and I couldn't help cracking up. Funny that someone could misconstrue my reasons for going so completley. I'm cooking on this beast for two reasons: one, because Doug wanted me to and I couldn't let the man go alone, and two, to help out and give back to the Encounter. I couldn't care less about any of the perks. Sure, they're nice and all, but I've done my Encounter. And I'm so completely different from who I was then that I don't think things would affect me the same, if at all.
And honestally, an Encounter isn't what I need right now. Give me another Pilgramage, a challange to face with friends that will bind us tighter together. The last pilgramage ended one of the longest periods I'd gone without talking to a best friend and made me feel like part of a class, like being "a senior" actually meant something about my identity more than meaning I was one of the top 1/4 oldest students on campus. I felt closer to my friends as a whole than I have at any point since. I felt all that melodrama and internal division was over. After the Encounter, I felt loved and wanted to share that love but I did not feel the same unification.
That's the other thing...I feel like a ton of my relationships are shot to hell. Sure, I'm closer to one person more than ever before, and a few other friendships are flourishing, but overall I feel my friends are getting more distant. Maybe people are just branching out. Maybe I've been pushing them away. I don't know what the reason is, but I don't like it.
Mike, I miss crashing at your house and seeing you every day and always being able to talk. Remember that one time we just drove for the hell of it at the end of summer and then walked around a neighborhood and tried not to get hit by cars? We need that again. And Ken, I remember coming up to your house all the time over the summer for capture the flag and smores and movies and food. Scotty, what happened to that idea we had once for monthly poker games and moviefests? Dave, what happened to sunday breakfasts at your house? Misha and Cynda, what happened to sunday masses? Everyone, what happened to bar-b-ques and tuesday masses/breakfasts and partying after school? Why is it that this is senior year and I almost feel as anti-social as I was as a freshman? The Dow-Jones Industrial Average of my social life is showing a bear market...individual stocks are soaring but the trend is definately down. I need a huge, day-long saturday party with movies and food and games and insanity. I need our senior road trip to be more than this good idea we keep talking about that will eventually not happen. I need prom and pre-parties and post parties. I need Music Man and the flurry of cast and crew parties that anyone could come to and feel at home. I need an end to busywork and pointless papers and pressure. This is senior year for God's sake - why aren't we acting like it?

And here I am, the perpetual hypocrite, ranting about what I need and doing nothing about it. Cause I also need my free time, time when I can just veg and improvise. I don't do mass every sunday cause I need sleep. I don't party after school cause I want to veg in the hall. Parties? Who can do parties with tons of homework and pennies for cash?

When did it all become so complicated?

Why is it I just want to get in my car and race away like I did that one saturday of music man when I thought I'd been ditched by the rest of the cast/crew and speed faster and faster down winding roads with no destination and no conscious desire to ever come back, ever stop, because I felt I was finally free of the muck and ugliness?
Why is it that I still feel lost and alone at night because I can't hear your voice or your arms around me?
Why is it that Konstantine still makes me cry and Letters to You still strikes powerful chords inside me?
Why is it that I'm dying to break free of Jesuit and deathly afraid of leaving?
Why does God feel so close and yet I can't recall the last time I heard him or felt Him embrace me?
Why am I enjoying class so much and yet I hate and avoid anything resembling work (no matter how much I happen to enjoy said work...)?
Why do I keep on envying our humble Don after all the misdeeds he commits and his misguided motives?
Why do I feel the need to ramble on here, as if by so doing I will somehow improve matters?

I love you!

Posted by Viper37 at February 1, 2005 08:54 PM