Tonight marks the conclusion of Dead Man Walking.
Also of my time as fly captian.
And of my time as a key crew member.
Yeah, I can't do footloose...sorry dudes/dudettes, there's just too many time conflicts. Maybe I'll come to a lot of shows, if you need/want me too...who knows.
We avoided killing anyone tonight, despite some errors of negligence/inexperience on my part and prolly on the parts of others. I almost flew the 4th electric in while cords were zip tied to the grid, which woulda been bad. Then I didn't watch an electric twice, once a light was only partially off and once a guy was almost hanging on it. Then I forgot to pay attention to make sure people on the grid heard what I said. Luckily Ryan prevented true tragedy...and wasn't too pissed.
*shrug*
I'm not exactly sad to see the show end, in fact, I'm kinda glad to have my life back, but it went really fast. Incredibly fast. And it was no Music Man. But I didn't break anything, always a plus. I dunno...I got kinda freaked out seeing people cry today. I knew it would happen, of course...but still. The fact that its over isn't that big of a deal to me, maybe because I wasn't emotionally invested enough. I always felt a bit on the fringes, I never went out with people to greet the audience cause it just didn't seem like my place. I was told repeatedly that I was needed there...but in reality, I wasn't. We were overstaffed and my contribution was rather trivial, at least during each show. In hindsight, I feel kinda bad I took a spot that coulda gone to someone who would have put so much more into it and gotten a lot more out of it. C'est la vie.
I feel like I'm drifting away from people and I have no way to change that. I'm a lot pissier with some people now, like my patience for stupidity has expired at the same moment my own stupidity has increased. Perhaps the clearest example is last night...I opted to come home and make a pizza and be a loner rather than go to a cast/crew party or go hang and write the tech show...something I was dying to do last year. I see other people doing things or planning things, and I kinda avoid it, not wanting them to feel a need to include me or something. At the same time, I almost don't include other people in things anymore (with obvious exceptions...). Whatever it was that made me more social at JHS must be wearing off. Either that, or I've reached my limit for pain and drama and the crap that comes with both. Or maybe I've finally got that love/acceptance/trust that I always sought in a complete and total form, and all the shallower things that go on just feel fake. That, and I genuinely think a lot of people don't want me around anymore. That doesn't bother me in the slightest, but it does weaken other relationships because I avoid social things because I know some people don't want me there.
Funny how things change with time. I can still remember walking into JHS as a froshie promising myself I'd be the best friend I could. Now...I don't know if I feel used/abused, but I definately am more apathetic. Trusting is harder, caring is harder, being considerate is harder...I realized the other day that some things I said really hurt someone, but they couldn't admit it to me because doing so would be too painful...and if I acknowledged I knew about the hurt, they'd be embarrsed and in more pain...so I just kinda backed off. Its sad, though...they were one of the people who have been most supportive/friendly to me recently, and now I know things can't quite be the same. Or maybe they can...they're a much better person than I am.
You're a much better person than I am...I can't possibly be worthy. But you think I am, and you wouldn't be wrong...mmm. Who am I to judge, I suppose.
I think I'm begining to see how some christian groups can so readily talk about being unworthy, terrible people. Its an attractive idea, and explains away all the bad about someone. I've decided I want to try and make myself worthy. Hell of a task, that one. We'll see how it goes.
"Lift a match, for I deserve to burn, burn, burn..."
I'm scared of college. I felt it today, thought about it...and I'm genuinely afraid. Such a change, you're so far away, my family is so far away...I'm finally "adult". I've never been that. Never really wanted that. Responcibility scares me. Maybe I should stay close to home. Go somewhere cheap. And yet...if I don't do this, won't I always regret it? How can I back down from this challenge? From this opportunity? Yet what if we change, if I blow this, if its just not meant to be? I once said a prayer...I asked that if this is supposed to happen, and last, and it would be good, that it would happen. I asked that if it were doomed to failure, or it wouldn't work, or bad would come from it ultimately, that nothing would happen and you'd stay pissed at me and I'd move on. But you didn't, and here we are. Destiny, fate, dumb luck...here we are. And man, am I scared of ever having to face life without you...being alone was never so terrifying. You've done the impossible, convinced me that I'm better than the person I see in the mirror, that I'm not some asshole/jerk/bastard that gets under people's skin and pisses them off for no reason. My life has more value on it now then I'd ever thought it could, all because you couldn't stand for that to happen. Because you don't want it too. Four years is a long time, hell, the months between vacations are a long time. But this will work...because its right. The future is both glorious and terrifying...
Crap, there I go, bringing myself to the verge of crying out of love and fear and worry and pride...actually, just about every emotion seems able to swirl around inside me right now. Its overpowering and awesome...yet still, I feel cold and alone because I'm forced to tell all this to a lifeless screen because you're 10 miles away, an insurmountable distance at this moment. And the thought that I'm going to wake up again, in the dark, alone, lost and confused...it haunts me. But you know what? You took away my nightmares and filled in the missing pieces in my heart and soul...I no longer need pain to know I'm alive.
This is all...
Nothing Short of a Miracle.
I'm gonna make that playlist. One of these days...that will help me drown the silence.
Goodnight all.
I love you!
Posted by Viper37 at March 13, 2005 10:12 PM