The weather here is completely unpredicatable and incomprehenicble, in my mind. I awake to freezing temperatures with brilliant sunshine one day, only to find piles of snow, clouds, and temperatures abouve the 40's the next.
This feels like living underwater. Days drag on so much slower than they should, little things stand out as they float by. I can't see very far ahead of myself anymore. And the pressure just keeps mounting, threatening to crush me the instant I try and relax. I can't relax, not really...
I love you.
And age...for the first time in my life, I'm begining to feel "old". Speaking with an RA headed to med school really cemented it. Here he is, a man living just down the hall, planning out the next 10 years of his life. Join the navy and they'll pay for med school and give him valuable experience, try and go it alone and end up with huge debts, trying to figure out if he'll be able to get married and start a family before he's 35. I'm afraid. College fit into my comfort zone because I focus on the moment. Think about what you have to do each day, what problems you're facing only on that day, and slog through it. I try to look to the horizon and I realize how high I am on the mountain. Maybe its a great feeling of accomplishment to reach the peak, but then you realize all that's left is to climb back down. And for the entire journey...the end is staring you in the face. No longer is the future obscured, no longer is death far off and easily ignored. I'm forced to wonder what I'm doing with my life, what I'm accomplishing.
Then failure. Failure is always there, grinning its ugly face and doggin my every step. Failure to attain my full potential. Failure to live up to my own expectations, my own standards. Failure to maintain that which I'm desperately trying to maintain. Failure to be something, mean something, matter. If life is nothing but random events at the smallest level, and we merely construe meaning from it to satisfy our own inner needs...then life is worthless. Life can't be worthless, can it?
I feel isolated. There's plenty of great people here, people who consider me a friend, people with whom I talk and work and play and relax. But it feels...everything feels forced. I've always tried to be an idealist. Now I'm turning into a cynic. I wonder how long this will last. Two friends going abroad next year. A year without seeing a friend I've had for a year. Will the friendship remain? Then more friends leave junior year. And all of this...I guess its me, but it feels shallow. Drinking is lame. People drink because they're scared they won't be liked without it, because they think its cool, because it makes it easier to relax and be stupid because the drug is an excuse. People drink because they think they enjoy it, that it makes life fun, because there's nothing to do. And people I was once very close to drink. All but two or three of my friends here drink. You learn to live with it, but every so often, someone else has a moment of clarity. They pause, turn to me, and wonder aloud why they bother drinking, if it really makes them better, why everyone gets so caught up. Then, at the next party, whatever revelation they may have had sinks away into loud laughter.
Everything is just out of reach. What do you do when your mind "knows" one thing, but you intuitively feel another? Is knowledge always right? Does feeling prevail? And what when there are opposing feelings? I don't know.
I don't seem to dream much anymore.
I just don't know anymore.