In today's interhall game against Keogh (we won 6-0 to bring our record to 2-1) our best running back dove shoulder first into my left thigh, the same spot I took a shotput freshman year. It hurts in a weird way, mostly when I walk on it or touch it. I hope it gets better soon.
Life goes...well, it goes. Midterms suck. My grades are "good", but never good enough for me. I see every missed point on my exams as a failure on my part, either a failure to think or a failure to study, mostly the former. EE test comes back tomorrow, and I'm not really looking forward to it. And then I have to take my diff. eq. test on friday. That test basically decides if I have to drop the class or not. I honestally don't know how I'll do on it and its 30 percent of my grade.
There is a gap between myself and others. I feel this even more strongly than usual when there's a gap between us. I can overlook the fact that I don't get close to people by being close to you. But when we start to move apart, I feel isolated from the world. I've always feared I'll be one of those people that goes through life without strong connections to others.
Do you ever look back on life and see past events through different eyes, and find the memory tarnished by time and gained wisdom? Who ever realized that the Spice Girls were singing about sex in "If you wanna be my lover"? Who realized that the little freshmen might not be so innocent? I never saw the drugs or the booze, but they were there. I guess I'm continually a few steps behind, not realizing what's really going on around me for years and then finding happy memories destroyed by removed ignorance. Ignorance really is bliss, and knowledge gained seems so depressing. Yet the thought of living ignorantly is even more depressing...
This week is going to swamp me. No time to relax, after tonight. And I should be working right now, I just can't get myself to focus. Haven't been able to focus so well all weekend, at least.
Amazing how large of an ego I have, really. And my school. And how we all love to have our egos stroked. I love hearing our captain tell me that our O-line is the best in interhall and won us the last two games. I love hearing people in the dorm tell me I've gotta be the best lineman in interhall. I don't beleive a word of it, but the fact that other people say it makes me feel good. How petty. There were some little black kids from south bend at the game today working the chains on the sidelines. One of 'em came up and talked to me several times during the game, first betting me he could tackle me (I agreed, he looked tough for a 7 year old) and then later asking me to tackle someone for him (I almost did, the damn QB through the ball as he went down) and then congradulating me at the end of the game. They were kinda cute, and I just felt so unworthy of the admiration they unquestioningly gave me because I was bigger, wearing pads, and going to ND. Some of my friends always ride me for talking down about myself, either about my football ability or intelligence or circumstances in life. I don't think I really deserve it, I know I'm damn damn lucky, and that's what scares me so much. People tell me I'm a good guy and so smart, and I love hearing it, but how do they know? How can they know if I'm good? How can they know if I'm actually smart or just bullshitting and lucky? One day, I'll know, I guess...
I love you.
Posted by Viper37 at October 1, 2006 06:47 PM