February 26, 2004

Reality?

Today was fairly typical, with a few important exceptions. First, hills rocked. You'd think running until your legs started to collapse would suck, but it didn't.

Second, it seems I must reevaluate one of my paradigms. In life, I hold some things as true because of facts, proofs. Others, I accept on faith, but an active faith...to the extent that if I were proven wrong, my life would need to be radically altered. One such faith is the exsistance of God. Luckily, that is not the one I will be examining...it has already been proven "true" to me (Encounter). The one that comes into question is my basic beleif about myself, that I am capable of knowing truth. It has been pointed out to me that I may be rejecting some truth unknowingly because deep down, I do not want to accept it. I am, possibily, too stubborn to realize I am stubborn. After a short examination tonight and some quick questions to friends who happened to be online, I have decided this does warrent deep and serious investigation. To do so, I shall attempt to question some things I hold to be absolutely true, hopefully with the help of the one who pointed out that this situation may exsist. Perhaps I will have determined the answer by the end of this weekend.

Perhaps I choose to accept the best about you because the worst hurts too much to face, perhaps I build you up so I may have something to lean on, perhaps it is all lies and the truth has been hidden...but what if I've been right all along? If I open myself to radical change, will you do the same?

Or maybe love is blind to faults and will only allow us to view those we love as good people...to accept you love something bad, or evil, or incredibly flawed is difficult. Will I be able to look at you the same if everything I thought was you was imaginary? Absolute knowledge to complete ignorance...maybe I will just be stubborn and leave you in my mind as you are until you prove otherwise...and constantly hope you don't.

No, I will not explain the above right now...again, this blog is more for me than you. :D For once I'm being selfish...haha!

Song du jour:

Juliana Theory - Constellation
I wanna be selfish, you're my everything, please don't forget my name, and take me with you when you leave, I've got a lost ot lose, I've got to let it go...

Posted by Viper37 at 12:14 AM | Comments (0)

February 24, 2004

Been a little while...

And that just goes to show how busy I've been, I suppose. Several things I gotta say, though...my apologies about the site not being updated yet, the laptop with the files is still at my mom's work. If I don't get it back by about this weekend, I'll just redo it from scratch. Not fun, but I'm getting sick of waiting.

The horse really isn't as cool as I thought it would be...after all, it did relieve itself all over the floor. Twice. How annoying is that? Its also small for a horse. But its still a horse!

Track/official football workouts started monday. Those will be owning me about 3-5:30 every day from now till the end of school. Just a heads up. :D

The play will be taking most of my free time over the next few weeks. I might be free on friday nights, though, and possibly saturday. If you're that desparate for my company somewhere, talk to me.

The Passion is an undescribably movie...if you can handle some intense and realistic gore, go see it. I'm serious.

I seriously don't know what to think about my car...its been at the dealership for two days now. And all that happened was the sunroof got stuck open. In theory, I'll get it back tomorrow night. *crosses fingers* It is rather humbling to have to beg for rides again. Muchos thanks to those who have provided them. :D

As for my own life...its really great at the moment. And yeah, I can say that with a totally straight face. For the first time since football, I'm busy again, and getting a good workout. Seems to improve my disposition a fair bit. On the personal/social front, I've delt with my demons and cast them behind me. Love can cure a lot, especially when you finally let go of doubt and embrace it. And yeah, I'm being vague again. Sorry. If you've been reading this for any length of time, you've probably realized this is more for me than for you. I merely make it avaiblible for your purusal so that you may gain some tiny bit of wisdom from my experiences, or something like that. Yeah, I am a sellout. :D

Mr. Allen made a point today in class that rang home rather loudly. To truely gain anything, you have to let go and trust completely. It is the doubt in our lives that causes us the most pain. You have to accept life, try to change it where you can and where it needs it, but at the same time trust that things will work out. Especially, I have found you must trust those around you. Trying to doubt people and prepare for the worst is not only draining but also makes you pessimistic as hell. Not a good way to live. I'm sure someone out there is wondering how on earth I could be seen as a pessimist, the answer is really quite simple. In the absence of concrete proof, I beleive that the worst probably case will happen. Then I am pleased with the little things, like an assignment being delayed or a practice being easier than expected. The little things we so often overlook are really the most important. It is truely shocking to realize how deeply we can effect someone with a look, a word, a touch. Smile at someone and greet them and you might just make their day. You never know when you'll provide that little push to change someones day radically. Make sure you push in the right direction.

I think stress is a danger to many of us right now. I, at least, have become slightly more edgy and jumpy. Last night, I found myself longing to just smack someone upside the head because they wouldn't shut up about things that were annoying the hell out of me. I mean, once someone is my friend, I can enjoy practically any conversation with them, even if they are just going over their shopping list or something with me. However, when I don't know them (and even worse, when they come across as a self-centered idiot) and the situation is one in which I do not desire that sort of conversation (back stage at a rehersal, perhaps?) I get a bit more irked. When they proceed to then talk nonstop for long, long periods of time and come borderline close to harassing/insulting a friend of mine, I might snap. Heh. I still think it would be hilarious if I actually started wacking someone with a smelly gardening glove.

I think I am also slightly spoiled these days. There is a group of people who know me pretty dang well and I tend to enjoy being able to comminicate through shared experiences or, as with those very close to me, a single look. Much easier than taking the time to explain the full depth of my thoughts and the anecedotes that relate to them/cause them. Forgive me if I seem reluctant to explain my sudden burst of laughter, the odds are it would be close to impossible anyways.

Unlike most nights, tonight's song du jour has no meaning attached to its selection...it just managed to get stuck in my head today and therefor warrents mention.

F.N.T - Semisonic

Posted by Viper37 at 11:12 PM | Comments (0)

February 22, 2004

Sader

[Edit: Back-dated to sader]

I suddenly realized I had not made an entry in regards to sader yet. My mistake. Saturday I spent about 7 hours working at tech time. Started out sewing that bloody stardrop back together with scotty, then karolyn saved me by recruiting me to help finish painting "our" wheel. Honestly, I did not know I could actually paint until she demonstrated how easy it was (its actually rather similar to photoshoping pictures. Funny how everything relates to computers.) By about 5:30, I had talked her into attending and cleaned up the paint. Picked up mikee at 6ish, went to Jen's house for an excellent dinner, drove mikee, mary, and karo to sader (and made it by 8:50...gotta love haulin at 60 :D) and hung out there till the dance ended. Mrs. Rombach hooked me up with some beads and her and Mr. Rombach (aka, coach) were dressed as Peach and Mario, respectively. Chowder was there in a santa suit, which had me crackin up for quite some time. Highlights included interpetive dance with a large group of seniors during the first slow song, "pogoing" (the tame version of moshing we can get away with) for a good portion of the dance, and attempting to keep up with mikee's awesome moves on Cotten Eye Joe. Truely a great time, and unlike any other dances I can recall, everyone I was with seemed to agree. Normally someone or another dislikes the dance, but this was definately a pleasant change from that. Afterwards, we headed over to CJ's for some food and stuff, and then I took the kiddies home. (heh, both mikee and karo are only several months younger than me) I also demonstrated I am capable of driving late at night while severly distracted. No further comment there, suffice to say I have no further qualms about driving people around. Trial by fire, as it goes. (and only two curbs hopped...and one so wasn't my fault! there shouldn't be those damn concrete divider things between the straight lane and the turn lane, and when they are there, they should be a bit narrower to allow large SUV's to turn around them ;D) Second I take full credit for, I just wasn't paying attention to my drivin so much by that last turn. Oh well. Prom is coming up in a couple of months, we do need to start forming plans.

Song for Sader was definately Konstantine by SoCo...I think I enjoyed it more than hearing Andrew sing it...

"And you don't wanna be here in the future, so you say the present's just a pleasant interruption to the past."

[The past is the memories that we've formed, the future our dreams we have yet to live, it is the present where one becomes the other.]

Posted by Viper37 at 01:30 AM | Comments (0)

February 19, 2004

Summer...

I miss it. I really do. Thnking back, it was one of the few times I didn't worry about anything. I put off all my homework until the very end, and wasn't injured untill around the last friday of break. Up to that point, it was awesome. Complete relaxation. Everything seemed right. Laying in that park off Scholls Ferry, happily dozing in the sunlight content that those around me were happy. Its not so much that things have changed. Though I suppose they have. Its more that...innocence. Yeah, it was pre-Encounter, but that's about the only negative thing about it. I had just gotten my licence and was finally free. I was actually making money doing something I enjoyed. Looking forward, I had the prospect of an awesome junior year of football just around the corner. I had gotten into every class I wanted and been saved from one that I didn't want so much. No stress about college. Everyone and everything had a touch of...innocence, I suppose. In terms of times of my life, I think this was as close to perfect as it gets...

Which isn't to say now is bad. No, now is quite good. There's just a ton more stress. Too many things to care about and worry about and try to make right. In a way, I'm glad I'm keeping busy...I've tasted boredom and despised it. But at the same time, I long for just one more week of summer, one more time to bask in the sun. Yet, it would seem we cannot go back. We can never go back. That which is now behind us must remain there. Even if by some miracle we could return to those warm days, it would not be the same.

We must look to a future. And an interesting one it is. Drama abounds (and not just on stage, I assure you) as it always does. Junior paper and a history project, both due around spring breakish. MWE in a few weeks (and the sophmore homeless immersion the same weekend), coffee house right after that (FINALLY!) and then spring break. I get to fly down to cali again, perhaps for the last time in a long while. It, I think, will provide my long drempt of break from reality.

Everywhere I look, it seems, there is change. Yet some paradigms remain the same. I wonder if I have been unusually lucky in this regard. Many others seem to have abandoned those once dear, I see myself still with those I was two years ago. I like it here. There's always that little nagging feeling that this cannot last, that the better things seem, the worse they will become in the end; I shall ignore this feeling and let the cards fall as they may. Mayhaps this world I have built for myself will not crumble too soon. Or maybe it won't last out the year. Who knows? It doesn't really matter, though, what world remains. Each in its own time.

I think that is humanity's biggest problem with God. We cannot accept another's timetable, we always strive to push our own agendas. The more we cling to the past, the less we experience the now, the harder it will be when we are forced to let go in the future. But if you loosen your grip, the past slips away all the quicker. Hopefully, I will be strong in this regard. Change has never come easily for me, leaving sjf was both the best and hardest transition of my life. In a period of less than 4 months, I seemingly cut all close ties with those close to me outside my family (with a few important exceptions). Those ties I kept have shaped me more than any others over the last 3 years. I think when I finally leave jesuit, it will be the same way. Those few ties that somehow last will be the most moving in the long run.

I read an article today talking about relationships. Apparently, any type of situational relationship (friends at school, or in your neighborhood, or met through a youth group) will rarely last more than a year or two after that situation is terminated. For example, two years after moving, you will have few to no close ties with those in your old neighborhood. This seems rather obvious, I suppose, but it hadn't really sunk in until now. How many of us will still talk 3 years down the road? Two years, even? Looking back, I barely knew any of my close friends three years ago. Most of those I did know, I knew under some false guise. Will this be the case three years from now? I hope not...I have found what seem to be some of the few genuinely good and loving people on the planet. I must ask, how can any others be as good as those I have?

But yet, around 6th grade, I might have said the same thing. And had I not been pushed violently out of my comfortable world, I would not know those who I now know. (isn't it a scary thought that I was *this* close to going to central?) Life is so much better now than then, yet I still worry over the future.

Acceptance has always been my weak point. I can recall many instances of myself refusing to accept something and through some form of stubborn determination working to accomplish the end I knew to be right. I cannot accept something that strikes me as fundementally wrong as being a neccessity. It appears the coming years will be a true trial of that.

On a less reflective note, sader is this coming Saturday. It would appear I will be attending...there has been enough of a request made for my presence that I can no longer in good concious refuse. Damn. :D And I had such a good record. With that in mind, though, I look forward to seeing most/all of you there. ESPECIALLY if you have ever pestered me about going. Yeah, there's no way you're backing out now. Sorry. :P

With that, iSleep.

Songs du Soir: I'm Outside and Goodbye Temecula - Third Try

"you think i'm going crazy but i know my love is true
i just hope that you can see it in the things i do for you"

"drain me of everything you can
drain me then laugh as i can't stand
drain me then burn in hell
as soon as i find that gas can...
goodbye temecula."

Posted by Viper37 at 11:18 PM | Comments (3)

February 18, 2004

She's right...

And somehow, I failed to notice the double post. >_< Handcoding is cooler, but the whole point of this is that it takes practically no time. The majority of these entries are made in under 3 minutes. Quite easy.

Before people jump all over me, I am aware the site hasn't been updated. I swear, its ready to go. I just need to actually upload it. Kinda forgot that that part requires I actually be on the computer that has the files. And that computer is not here. So...just keep holding on. ^ ^

As for me, I've been engaged in a constant cycle of ripping video, messing with it in iMovie, encoding it, then burning it to dvd. Rather time consuming, but so far its been fun.

Posted by Viper37 at 06:09 PM | Comments (0)

February 16, 2004

Who says there are no fun places to drive in Portland?

There most certainly are some incredibly awesome places to drive. Now, I'm sure most/all of you have driven up to the Multnomah Falls or gone hiking and seen some of the natural beauty and all that. But if you get on Scholls Ferry and keep driving for about 4 miles, you suddenly end up in the middle of the country. Furthermore, there is no posted speed limit. Wow.

Keep going and make a few turns and you will suddenly end up going down some small mountain things on a street with a speed limit of 55...and many, many turns with reccomended speeds of <20 mph. What could be more awesome?

Yeah, that's a long way of saying I went exploring again today and ended up in what I think was called Yamhill County. Along the way, I witnessed no fewer than two street races and watched a slugbug almost go over a cliff. Yeah, and had some serious fun going fast too. I reccomend you all try it, but if you can, get something a bit...smaller, should I say, than an SUV. Fun to drive, but they handle like bears at high speed on turns. (And no, I didn't wreck my car. Didn't even come close. But that's cause I obeyed those speed warning things. Slugbug driver didn't. ^ ^) The other thing to note is that when they say 20mph turn, they really mean it. Take it at 25 and risk going into the other lane. Take it at 30, and if its not severely banked or uphill, you'll probably go off the road.

I now have cause to question all people who actually purchase racing videogames. Or rather, all people over the age of 16 who possess valid driver's licences. Honestally, even if you go the speed limit, it is 1,000 times better to be driving an actual car on an actual road than manipulating some pixels on a screen. Trust me. Or better yet, don't, and go for a drive yourself.

I actually worked on the site update some today, it should be set to go up by tomorrow night-ish.

As for tomorrow itself, I'm not sure yet what I'll be doing. I feel honor-bound to attend tech and make up for sleeping through the first three hours of it today, but I don't really wanna go when few people will be there and there's painting to be done. I also have a good-sized chunk of work to do between school, the site, and the videos.

Song du jour: The Impression That I Get - The Mighty Mighty Bosstones

I know pep band over plays it, but its still great.

Posted by Viper37 at 05:22 PM | Comments (0)

Tech theater and really fast driving.

I seriously made it from school to my house in five minutes today. No joke. Musta been pushen between 40 and 60 the entire way and not hit any red lights. I left school 15 minutes after my dad told me dinner would be ready in 20 and was sure that I was late when I walked in the door. But no, I was there right on time. He was appropriately impressed with my driving feat.

Just to test, I timed myself going home today. Actually "raced" scotty for a stretch on hillsdale, until I got stuck behind some stupid old lady who was barely going the speedlimit. Ah well. Anyhow, I kept the speed above 40 except for turns and stoplights and it took me about 10 minutes, but I did hit every red light. Did end up going 55 down that hill though...speed bumps feel awesome at that speed. ^^ I swear, if a cop had caught me...at least it was neccessary, had to be in the door before curfew, after all.

Tomorrow is tech from 10-2. Might try to find something to do after that, might just come home and relax. Haven't done that enough lately. I also need to get that chain...my neck hurts like hell. Skin's all irritated and stuff. I hate this metal, whatever it is.

Today we put wheels on a round platform karo and I made over the summer. While doing so, I was struck by the incredible thought that I, I had made something that will last. Or at least, that had lasted and now was being reused. Regardless, the product of three summer afternoons was now being used in the biggest jesuit production of the year. And I had co-made it. It was like this sudden realization that I had done something worthwhile. I mean, grades, sports achievements...these are really intangible. Just peices of paper that we give meaning too. Relationships also are intangible, though they are more important than physical things of wood and metal. But here, in this moment, I was holding something in my hands that was good and real and my creation. I was blow away.
In so doing, I kinda lost concentration on rolling it and it almost fell on me...luckily jeff hall caught it. I'm such a clutz. :D
But still, I think that creating something is good. Isn't that what we all want, deep down? To create something that will stand in tribute to us, proof that we were/are really here. It seems most people get that through children. Others do it through deeds or physical buildings.

More later, for now, I need to return to ripping video.

Posted by Viper37 at 12:43 AM | Comments (1)

February 15, 2004

Not sure it was a good day...

...but as far as I personally am concerned, everything worked out in the end. Wish I could say the same for everyone else.

I know I'm gonna sound like a broken record, but thanks again to all of yas. As I have just recently begun admitting, you truely do mean the world to me.

As for what caused all this...in short, I overreacted and jumped to a conclusion that I shouldn't have. I shall try my hardest to avoid this in the future. If you have no idea what on earth I'm talking about, that's ok...my part has come to satisfactory conclusion, and I'm incredibly releived. The thought of losing one held dear is unbearable...

As for the rest of the weekend, you can probably find me at tech time. Should you be doing something else that you want my presence at, go ahead and gimme a call. always nice to have something to do.

Should you need a hug, find me on wednesday. This weekend has increased my resolve to spread the love...gotta pay it foreward, after all.

Lastly, I challenge you to be true to yourself. Unnessessary secrets only cause pain and deception makes things even worse. Be true, be true, show the world if not your worst, yet something by which the worst may be inferred. Hawthorne (abeit paraphrased) couldn't have been more right...pretending to be something better than you are and you'll only delay and worsen the inevitable. (no, that doesn't apply to my personal experience, its just something that occured to me while I was reflecting tonight)

Goodnight, and I promise to withhold my farewells (though I never meant it in the way you thought I did...ah well...). Sleep soundly in the graces of God, my friends. You are loved.

Posted by Viper37 at 01:55 AM | Comments (0)

February 14, 2004

Rollercoaster...

Yeah, only analogy I can think of for life. Advice to any readers: be cautious in passing judgements, the situation is never quite what it seems. I think I hit most of the major emotions today...write me off as another hormonal teenager. To those of you who reached out, thank you. I don't think I was as bad off as you may have percieved, but nevertheless, thanks. To those of you whom I ranted at, my sincerest apologies.

It seems once you open yourself to emotion, it has a way of taking control of you. I'll have to work on that.

Have a nice evening, everyone...I love you all.

Posted by Viper37 at 06:09 PM | Comments (0)

One final clarification...

...about the usage of this blog thingy. I currently use it primarily to vent. It seems rather thereputic to pour out parts of myself into text instead of leaving it all locked up inside. Now, this does turn me into a hypocrite because I often question others for doing the same thing. I honestally don't care if people read this, or who reads this. That said, do not expect me to discuss with you events mentioned here-in. You have a strange sort of snapshot to my head, that doesn't mean I'm going to open everything for you. :D

And for those who called...thanks. It was by no means neccessary, but its aways nice, ya know? :D Helps to cement lessons learned and all.

Song du jour: It's a beautiful day - U2

and yeah, i'm serious that I won't be on aim as much anymore. kinda sick of it finally. perhaps those who advocate against it were right all along...

Posted by Viper37 at 12:39 PM | Comments (0)

A small clarification...

No, I'm not upset or more crazy than I was before. Though I appreciate the concern. Perhaps the problem with this sort of blog is that you cannot tell the seriousness of the writing. Thank you for your concern, but I really am fine. ^^ (a bit irked, perhaps, but fine nevertheless :D)

Posted by Viper37 at 11:49 AM | Comments (0)

Happy Valintine's Day...

Yeah. The title says it all.

Gotta find myself a titanium chain today, this one is messing with my neck.

For this morning's ramble, I would like to question the motives of my fellow man. It seems to me people are becoming more and more like politicians everyday. They never say anything directly mean or hurtful. They are much more discrete. Looks, roundabout comments, dropped hints, and perhaps even ignorance have become normal. Furthermore, everyone loves a mystery, being able to be secretive. But moreso, its only fun if someone knows there is a secret. Everyone loves to make others think they are in the know or something big is going on and they are a part of it.

Well, I'm stepping back. Probably should have long ago. As a sort of trial, starting next week, I will keep no new secrets. Yeah, sounds impossible, I know. And when I mean new, I mean that you don't need to worry if I know something you don't want me to tell. That is, so long as I knew it before wednesday-ish. I'm sick of all this. No one says what they feel anymore, what they truely mean. I honestly don't think I can take another word of this crap where someone says one thing and means the opposite. Or even more, sends someone else to be the bearer of their bad news. Honestally, can you not tell me to my face anymore? Well, now you'll have to. I'll leave aim running because there are some people who cannot talk to me face to face due to rather severe distance limitations. Barring them, or one hell of a good reason, I will not respond to you on aim for a few weeks. It seems like almost two years now I've been more or less living on aim. Most of my truely deep conversations were on aim, most of my knowledge came from talking to people on aim, most of my time was wasted waiting for people to sign on. Don't get me wrong, I loved aim. Especially logs. Which hurt all the more now because I can clearly look back and see how things were. And that makes some things seem all the worse...not much can compare to spring of last year in terms of aim fun.

But enough of old memories. I've made the vow, now to see if I can stick with it.

And yes, I realize this means I know have little/no opportunity to talk with some of you. Sorry. Perhaps if its truely worth talking to me, you'll find another way. But I doubt that will be neccessary. One fewer window won't be noticable, now, will it?

If you happen to know of a nice spot within 10-20 minutes of portland that has a river and some trees, please tell me about it. I'd like to visit it.

And yeah, I still love you all. Might as well attempt to follow the example of the best man to have ever lived, eh?

goodbye.

Posted by Viper37 at 11:21 AM | Comments (0)

February 13, 2004

Let go...

Yeah, I've been partaking in that most selfish of luxeries lately, contemplative thought. Hence the lack of updates. Over this long weekend, I plan on updateing the site for the first time in three months. If you have something you want up, email me.

As for my thoughts, I'm not sure even I fully understand them. A great deal has happened in the last week, not the least of which was the Encounter. Kinda strange trying to throw your entire worldview upside down. Even harder trying to act out what you know you should do. If I seem a little distant or something, that's probably it. Gotta work some things out for myself. Hopefully, all my puzzle peices will fit once I'm done taking them out and trying to put it back together. Always a few holes, it seems, always a few holes...

Played pool seriously for the first time in many months today. Tied scotty boy 2 games apiece. I admit, I didn't realize how much fun I could have squeezed into the back of a car crankin the guns and zepplin. No sick thoughts, please.

Only real complaint is my head. It doesn't seem to want to think clearly. Its almost like there's a sorta misty, foggy, vapory stuff filling my head preventing me from thinking clearly. All kinds of things are just out of reach and all I can do is brush at them with my fingertips. Several interesting mysteries are going on and I have this feeling that if only my head would clear, I would know what's going on. Not vitally important, just slightly annoying to be loosin the old touch, ya know? As for problems...only one. Probably my own fault, too. Don't really wanna talk about it (heh, do I ever?) but more or less it feels like I'm losing something very dear to me one step at a time and nothing I do can change it. It's really the feeling of helplessness that hurts, followed by the endless questions about what and why and when and so on. Lately I've been wondering if good times always fade away, and things have to turn out this way. A week ago, I would have refused to let things just...slip through my fingers, for lack of a better term. Now, though, I seem to have this insight that its not my decision to make; holding on tighter will only make the knife dig deeper into my flesh. Don't want that. Perhaps this simple rant has done some small amount of good...I think I've decided to just let go. Let go...

To all of you, if I have wronged you in some way, please forgive me. Furthermore, please tell me about it (in a polite manner) so that I may attempt to make ammends. I have never meant to cause pain and strife and suffering. I have cast out the seeds of peace and was surprised to reap a harvest of hate.

Two songs of the day, I'm gonna paste both sets of lyrics here. Read on if you want to see them.

I love you.

Nothing Short of a Miracle - The Starting Line/Sunday Drive:

Nothing Short Of A Miracle Lyrics

Sometimes I've been wondering if good times fade away,
and things always turn out this way.
You're one of the many things that make me face the day,
Iím so glad youíre here with me.
It's not your fault that you're in pain,
I just can't explain what you mean to me.
Meant what I said,
meant what I did,
it's all for you.
And then I tried to look inside, look in my own head.
I realized something wasnít there.
Then I saw your face staring back at me,
and everything was falling into place.
It's not your fault that you're in pain,
I'm glad things have turned out this way,
I canít explain what you mean to me,
Cause you've always been there for me.
Meant what I said,
meant what I did,
It's all for you.
I'll try and be there for you...

Somewhere Out There - Our Lady Peace:

You were looking down on me,
Lost out in space.

Laid underneath the stars,
Strung out and feeling brave.

Watch the riddles glow,
Watch them float away.

Down here in the atmosphere,
Garbage and city lights,
You gotta save your tired soul,
You gotta save our lives.

Turn on the radio,
To find you on sattellite,
I'm waiting for the sky to fall,
I'm waiting for a sign.

All we are is all so far.

You're falling back to me,
The star that I can't see.
I know you're out there,
Somewhere out there.

You're falling out of reach,
Defying gravity,
I know you're out there,
Somewhere out there.

Hope you remember me,
When you're homesick and need a change.
I miss your purple hair,
I miss the way you taste.

I know you'll come back someday,
On a bed of nails awake.
I'm praying that you don't burn out,
Or fade away.

All we are is all so far

You're falling back to me,
The star that I can't see.
I know you're out there,
Somewhere out there.

You're falling out of reach,
Defying gravity,
I know you're out there,
Somewhere out there.

You're falling back to me,
The star that I can't see.
I know you're out there, oh.
You're falling out of reach,
Defying gravity...

I know you're out there,
Somewhere out there.

You're falling back to me,
The star that I can't see.
I know you're out there,
Somewhere out there.

You're falling out of reach,
Defying gravity,
I know you're out there,
Somewhere out there.

You're falling back to me.

Well I know,
I know.

You're falling out of reach.

I know...

Posted by Viper37 at 10:34 PM | Comments (3)

February 08, 2004

I return...

...and man, is it a glorious feeling. Loving, and being loved, is the best feeling on earth. To all of you: I love you. If I haven't told you in person, come find me. More than anything else, I want to share this feeling with everyone around me. You won't truely get it, though, until your own encounter. If you're not planning on going, GO! I cannot stress this enough. You have to go.

For now, though, I must sleep. Goodnight, all...love yas!

Posted by Viper37 at 09:14 PM | Comments (0)

February 05, 2004

And so its time.

Yup, leave tomorrow mornin for one heck of a weekend. Still a little irked by missing coffeehouse, but I'm told it won't even cross my mind once I get there. Certainly hope so. On a related note, I'm fighting tooth and nail to attend the next one. Trust me, if I'm not there, it will be because they drugged me or hit me with a hard object.

My only other real regret about this Encounter (and yeah, its a petty and stupid one) is that some of my best friends will not be there with me. Its selfish of me, but if this truely is such an awesome experience, I want those close to me to be there too. (nevermind that some of them have already gone...why can't they go again? ^^) I'm sure it won't be a big deal once I get there, but in the here and now, it is slightly saddening. All the more reason to share the love when I return, I suppose.

I would like to thank you, my friends, for being my friends. To quote some emo, "you're one of the many things that help me face the day, I'm so glad you're here with me..." You guys (and gals) know who you are, I cannot thank you enough for your time and support, your smiles and encouragement, the fun and the memories. I honestally cannot imagine coming to love some of you more than I already do, though I'll certainly try over the next few days. Please know that I only want the best for all of you, I may seem hypocritical or ungreatful at times, but I really mean it when I say you fellas are the world to me. Greatest fear about college? The possibility of loosing the best friends I've ever had, the people who know me as well (in some cases, better) than I know myself. Come what may, I shall always be greatful for the kindness and love you have shown me. Thank you.

Songs/bands du jour (to cover for the full weekend):

Anywhere, My Friend, Breathe No More, Forgive Me - Evanescence
Nothing Short of a Miracle - The Starting Line
Letters to You - Finch
Sad Eyes - Third Try
Konstantine - Something Corporate

(to those who know those songs and their meanings to me, they're pretty accurate descriptions of the swirling emotions I feel right now. If nothing else, the Encounter has already given me a rush ^^)

Posted by Viper37 at 10:10 PM | Comments (1)

February 04, 2004

2 Days...

Yup. 2 days left until the Encounter. Still not sure how I feel...excited and anxious all at once. Should be fun, though.

It seems to me that many different things are all coming to a head right now, or at least, within the next monthish. All the little plotlines that make up my life are suddenly interesting...I just wish it didn't happen all at once. Makes it hard to focus on anything. On a good note, things do seem to be working out well. People involved seem happy, anyways, which is what counts, I guess.

Today I had a long talk with my sister for the first time in a while. I am continually amazed by how much more mature she is than I was at her age. I mean, honestally, she seems to think at a higher level overall than I did as a froshie. Go figure, girls do grow up faster. The most interesting part, though, is how much of myself I see in her, and how much I see missing. Where I have difficulty forging friendships, she is one of the most popular kids in her class. And not even mean to the other kiddies. Impressive, no? (yeah yeah yeah...enough of her praises. Gotta her her due, though.)

If any of you have a good friend at St. Mary's who could pass on advice to my sister about pros and cons of the school, it would be appreciated.

Another thing I have decided: strong doses of loud music and a nap are the best therapy on earth. Seriously, they cure all bad feelings. Try it sometime.

Song/band du jour:
"Letters To You" - Finch

Posted by Viper37 at 09:34 PM | Comments (0)

February 02, 2004

Underworld

Watched Underworld tonight, and while it won't break into the top 10, it was worth seeing in my opinion. If you liked The Matrix, check it out. More later, for now I sleep.

Posted by Viper37 at 11:44 PM | Comments (0)

February 01, 2004

One screwed up world...

Note: the following contains a rather bitter view of life. Read at your own risk.

And no, I'm not unhappy with my own life. In fact, its just the opposite...my life is too good. If such a thing is possible.

But really, after writing this, I feel much better...normal, almost. This is good. I shall have to do this more often.

I honestally am amazed by how screwed up everything is. I'm sure some variant of the following is flashing through at least one head right now: "But aren't you the one who claims life is good? How can life suddenly be all messed up? Are you some depressed teen going through hormonal mood swings?" Yeah, I do always say life is good. That's cause my life really is. Still is. At least, it certainly seems that way. Normal day, what do I do? Go to school, chill there for like 7 hours, hang with some friends and maybe lift, maybe go to a club or something, head home and come online where I talk to friends for another few hours and maybe do some tiny amount of homework. Weekends, I hang with people for at least a good 12 hours, often more. Sounds great, don't it? I certainly thought it was. But what do you do when it suddenly hits you how bad other people think life is? How do you face the knowledge that people you know (people you love, even) hate their lives? What can you say to convince someone that life is, in fact, good? Especially when when you really think about it, some people's lives downright suck. Yeah, I'm spoiled and have it insanely easy and all, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate how much shit some people have to put up with.

This has happened before, I recall, where I have a seemingly sudden revalation as to how bad other people feel at times and what kinds of insane shit they deal with on a daily basis. I think this time its worse, though. Combine knowing how people feel with the knowledge that bad shit does happen and knowing you can never really be certain of anything, and you suddenly start wondering if you'll actually see people again. Is goodbye really goodbye?

Worst part is, there is nothing you can do. No really, you can't save anyone. Growing up, you're taught that courage, love, honesty, and all the other virtues always make the hero win in the end. Good things don't happen to bad people, say the fairytales. And if by some chance they do, everything will end up better by the end of the movie. There are no downer endings, no death that isn't deserved, no rape, no murder, no abuse. Welcome to the real world, where some outrageously large percent of teens is depressed. I'd place bets its at least 40 percent. How many consider suicide? How many more suceed? Here, people are raped, and killed, and abused, and go unloved. Kids are driven to shoot up their school to escape, killing themselves or others. More of them go through life miserable. WHY?

What possible reason can there be for things to be this bad? Yeah, I'm sure I see it as worse than it really is at this moment, but perhaps this is a moment of clarity. Right now, the rose glasses are off. I see the twisted wasteland of dispair and hate that my comrades must navigate day in and day out, and I am forced to question, why? Why does God allow this? Why do we do this to ourselves, to our friends, to our children? What makes a human do such aweful things to another?

Just writing this seems to have calmed me down...behold the benefits of a blog thingy. If you actually read all of the above, I applaud you. No, I'm not any crazier than I was before, just more...confused, saddened, and perhaps a bit angrier. It is depressing and frustrating to realize you are helpless, despite your best efforts. I go through it time and time again, reach out to help only to discover nothing I do can really do anything. It's all in the attempt, I suppose. Gotta hold on to the belief that you really can make a difference...this is the true act of faith, I think. Perhaps getting up in the morning is harder than beleiving in the unseen.

Band/song du rant:
Pearl Jam - Save You

"Quit hitting yourself, come on, hit me instead...
Let's pick up your will, it's grown fat and lazy.
I'm sympathetic as well, don't go on me now.
And I'm not living this life without you, I'm selfish and clear.
And you're not leaving here without me,
I don't wanna be without my best friend..."

Posted by Viper37 at 11:16 PM | Comments (4)

Superbowl Sunday...

Yup, today was the big day. And the Patriots came out on top! Despite being one of the few teams that doesn't come from a real state (ever try to find "New England" on a map? Yeah, definately not a state...confusing, but true) I still prefer them to the Panthers. As for that halftime show...well, lets just say I've always kinda hated MTV, this was sorta the icing on the cake. One good musical group, a naked breast, and overall terrible music. Honestly, were these the best musicians they could get? To think that this is what our generation will be remebered for musically pains me to the very soul.

Driving home was certainly interesting, though...saw three cops, one of who followed me for a while. Also watched one idiot swerve back and forth across the yellow lines and another stupid chick wave happily at me as she blatantly ran a red light. I got to cruise around for a while, though, which was great. Nothing like a good half-hour drive at high speed at night to clear the brain.

Band/song du jour:
Creed - Take Me Higher.

Posted by Viper37 at 09:30 PM | Comments (1)

Tech and all...

I swear, the government wants the planet to go to hell. Seriously. I mean, they tell us to recycle. But when an upstanding citizen goes about trying to actually DO some recycling, they get turned away. Repeatedly. All I wanted to do was get rid of some plastic, plastic that once made up a play structor. It was very clean plastic, I saw to that. Yeah, it wasn't in the form of a bottle or clear, but it was still friggen plastic. Four recycling places later, half the plastic is in a dumpster and the rest will join it in the near future. Get this: not only will they not recycle it, once they relalize how much I have, they won't even throw it away. Talk about ignoring the needs of the customer...I woulda paid them to take it off my hands! Oh well. At least we all know who to blame when the environment is busted to hell. Yeah.

Best tech conversation yet:

*Rachel dances seductively on fly rail*
Rachel: "Someone could do a porno shoot in the fly system!"
Me: "Yeah, that would be hot...I'll bring a camera!"
*Rachel stops dancing, gives me a strange look*
Rachel: "...I was kidding."
Me: "Damn."

It would sell well, wouldn't it? Someday, someday...

Song/Band du jour:
Sad Eyes - Third Try

Awesome song, and my favorite band.

Posted by Viper37 at 12:09 AM | Comments (1)