Got Ken's stuff up and set up the places for Ben and Adrian. Also edited the sidebar and some other random stuff. Dinner time for now, then back to the salt mines.
Upgrade in progress. More to come soon.
Yes. It is once again that time of year. Today, my spring break unofficially ended. Unofficially because school starts monday, not today, but ended becase I am back from cali and in all likelyhood will do nothing of particular interest tomorrow. Well, other than chores, homework, errands, and laying on my couch. You know, the usual.
As always, I do have some good stories from break. Little things I learned like attacking pigeons with wet shirts is really fun and fulfilling. Things like the true evils of bikinis. Yeah, they look great when properly worn by members of the correct sex. But they are truely a social travesty. First of all, how do you talk to a girl wearing a bikini? Ever tried it? Not easy. Gotta maintain eye contact. Eye contact...that means you can't look away from the bikini-wearing party's eyes, or at least their face. Don't look down. Seriously. Its always a losing battle. But no, it gets worse. Much worse. One second, you're standing in waves up to your sholders talking with a nice bikini wearing girl, the next second, half the bikini decides it doesn't like its home carefully adorning her body and wants to try to go somewhere else. Yeah. What do you do then but politely look away while blushing, making it look like you're a roasting lobster in the hot sun? Definately awkward. Babies are very cute, even when they throw things at you. Especially if you're not the one who has to change them. A lesson to all you girls (and, I suppose, guys as well) though: do not fly alone with a small baby. No good can come of it, though things won't be that bad if you luck out and sit next to an upstanding young chap who is willing to hold everything short of the baby for you. But really, how is that supposed to work? You have two carry-on bags, a baby that can't be set down for more than a minute, one tiny seat in which to sit with your baby, and to top it off, all your bags need to be placed above your seat because there's no room underneath. Hell in the skys, my friends. Another interesting fact: duck when entering planes, rooms, or just when there might possibly be something over your head that could hit it. This includes parking garages with 6 foot clearences. A further note: never, never, never, jump while ducking. Just don't.
A further, and also important lesson I would like to pass on: (though this applies only to people trying to contact me) calling me on the cell is a surefire way to get ahold of me. With one small exception. If you don't leave a message, I will not call you back. Especially when its long distance. Especially when I'm sitting on a beach.
Texting the phone, however, is a great way to pass on a short message. I must thank those who did, in one particular case, the timing was practically divine. Gotta love a little message from someone when you were just wondering what happened to them.
A difference this year was the relaxation. Last year, I was tense. And lonely, but that was another issue completely. I failed to let go of things that had been bothering me before break. As a result, other a few amazing conversations and those times when I forgot to think, vacation kinda sucked. This year was completely different. Other than an hourish trip to cyberspace, I refrained completely from worrying. Surprisingly, I'm still not worried. Fewer amazing conversation, much more peice of mind. Now to see if this mood can survive school starting.
While on break, I did attempt to update the site (something I will try again tomorrow >_<) and realized I had none of the files that were supposed to go up. I did find, however, some old journal/flow-of-concious writings of mine from around the start of the school year, end of the last school year, and spring break last year. I was struck not only by how much I've changed in some respects, but moreso by how similar I am now to then. Despite the various mood swings (seasonal, practically...and I swear, the last year has been the only time they've ever happened. Something to do with teh events contianeed therein, I suppose), I really am the same person. Same fears, hopes, doubts, desires, dreams, and nightmares. Though fewer of that last, luckily. The biggest difference is in how I react to these. For the longest time, I pretended they didn't exsist. I was content, but pressure was slowly building. At a few points over the last year, I kinda...burst, I guess. Some of you may even remember one or more of those, hopefully these people are few in number. Hypocritical as always, I strive to help others share their problems and troubles while forcing myself to deal privately with mine (most of the time, anyways). Personality thing or something. Last fall would be the low point, particularly because of football. Being on the sidelines for the first time in 3 years hurt. More than I cared to admit to anyone. Now, I guess since the encounter, though I really can't draw a definate line, I'm not stressed anymore. Same problems buggin me (worrin' about some friends, grades, chances of actually getting gametime next year, my continual lack of motivation, etc. :D) I just don't care about 'em. Those I can deal with, I'm dealing with, those I can't are just...in God's hands. Nothing I can do, so I'll leave it up to him. I honestally can't believe I'm saying that...it still kinda feels like pawning my worries off on someone else. But it seems like thats what He wants, and that's what works best, so whatever.
And yeah, that above is prolly cryptic and whatnot, it falls into the category of stuff written more for myself than you. Sorry. ;D
Jersey Girl, by the way, is an excellent film. Sorta Chasing Amy (only much milder) crossed with some sorta romantic comedy thing. And it tured out well.
Songs for break:
Let It Be - Superchic[k]
Love Song - Five for Fighting
Faction - Less Than Jake
Sunday Drive - The Early November
Gainsville Rock City - Less Than Jake
Forgive and Forget - The Get-Up Kids
Ghosts of You and Me - Less Than Jake
The Artist in the Ambulance - Thrice
Regrets and Romance - from.first.to.last
And we wait above a road.
We're turning to go home.
And the silence from the side of the car
tells me everything and how we are.
'Cause there's no more trying to make this so right,
There's no more trying tonight.
{Chorus}
And you know it's not so easy when you're all alone.
And I wonder if I'm alone in your head.
I know something is wrong, I just dont know what to do.
You say it's only me and that I'm so perfect for you.
I don't want to try no more, I dont want to make this right.
I just want you to be true to me, one time.
{Chorus}
And you know it's not so easy when you're all alone.
And I wonder if I'm alone in your head.
Twelve weeks gone by since I have saw you last.
I'll give this one more try, I'll give it all my best.
And I'll ask "What could you be doing that is so much fun
without me by your side, without me by your side?"
And I'll take a step back, and I'll let you ahead.
And I will take a step away and see if you come back.
Because there's no more trying to make this so right,
there's no more trying, there's no more trying tonight.
We will never be the same.
We will never be the same.
We will never be the same.
We will never be the same.
We will never be the same.
We will never be the same until you're done....
Bloody addictive song.
I might actually letter in shot this year, supposedly I was just a foot short today while goofing around in practice. Scary.
For those who don't know, I leave Saturday and am gone for all of break. Sweet, uncaring, bliss for vacation...ahhhhh...
at random moments, I find this song playing. Whether my computer randomly selects, my sister starts playing it, or I just forget which cd I have in the player, it keeps coming on. Some sorta sign, maybe?
One more week, then I'm off to Cali. Amazingly, all the stress is gone. Completely. I'm not worried anymore...I still care a great deal about a great many things, but there's no stress attached. What will happen will happen, its outta my hands (or that's what I tell myself, anyways). Relaxing is good for the soul. Its a rather drastic change from a weekish ago, when I felt like I couldn't deal anymore...get too many different things pushing on you, and you can start to bend so far it feels like you'll break. Letting go seems to be the best cure, and one I embrace whole heartedly.
With Cali, though, I'm more excited to get away than to be going somewhere. Minor difference, but an important one. I honestally need to get away from everything for a little while, no offence to anyone. :D I just need a break; I'm weary from trying to deal and cope with stuff all the time. And this cycle of insomnia and extreme sleep is wearing on me, too. I can go one way or the other, but switching between them sucks.
Poll question du jour: Can you date someone without ever meeting them face to face? Why/why not? All opinions welcome, I'm genuinely curious on the issue.
"It seems things always fall apart..." This is a trend throughout emo, punk, and even some rock. The singer laments how "good things can't last forever" and sow on. I wonder if this is true. I've had one hell of a good thing going for nigh on 3 years now. I would rather hope I won't lose it, or even any parts of it, but in some ways I already have. Var football, for example. An injury combine with a large pool of talented players kept me off it this year, though i did come back to start JV at the end of the year. Likewise, I've been forced to more or less drop band. Several friends will be leaving at the end of this year; I truely doubt I will see many of them again. A few friendships are currently rather strained and I see no viable way to fix them in the short term. More and more, my parents seem to worry about me...grades dropping from an A to a B+ apparently shows signs of overwork and a need to cut back on extracurriculars and time with friends, at least in their views. Its finally time to start looking at colleges, again reminding me that in two years, everything I know will be taken away. These are the things that have been troubling me of late that I now feel no stress from. :D Still, they're there in the back of my mind. They'll pass with time, I suppose...I have far too much going on to attempt to deal with these things that serve as mere annoyances.
Those more pressing things include Track, of which my first meet is this wednesday; football, which starts in 6ish months; school work that I must have done by the end of the week; and my own sanity, which is perhaps the most important of all. (forgive the abuse of the semicolon, it seems ot look nicer that way).
And despite all this, life is great. Go figure. ^ ^
Oh, the part I forgot to mention...I have to rip a ton of video again. I might put some art up before break, but that's it. Everything else will wait until I have a solid six hours with a net capable computer, either in cali or when I get back. Sorry, life before pleasure, or something like that.
Despite all that's happened, or because of it, a part of me still wishes I could go back to summer...only two more terms to go, but so much has changed...
Sunday Drive - The Early November
Looked at the clock for the first time today after watching Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. Yeah, you can guess what time it was. Go figure.
No road trip today cause the game was at 2:15. I woke up around 11:00, looked at the paper, and realized there was no way on earth we'd make it. Oh well. Instead, I got to hang around here, watch movies, and make progress on that history book. Hope to finish it by wednesday.
Yesterday, I got the strangest urge to pray the Rosary. Honestly, I don't know why. I didn't even really remeber how to say one, so I looked it up online. And then I said about half the Our Father's in french. Variety, I suppose.
As some of you know, this seems to be the crashing part of the cycle that is my life. No more insomnia...I just sleep a lot. Which is what I'm going to do now. People ask about the site. It won't be touched until partway through springbreak, maybe not until the end. Depends on when I have internet access and whether or not I get the laptop back in Cali.
Oh, and coffeehouse is on friday. That's gonna rock the casbah.
Songs Du Jour:
Sunday Drive - The Early November
I Wonder - Diffuser
Konstantine - Something Corporate
In honor of MWE, Nothing Short of a Miracle - The Starting Line.
And in expectation of spring break, Goodbye Temecula/Last Asshole On Earth/Sad Eyes - Third Try
Track uniforms, that is. And mine rocks. Amazingly, everything fits, and I got warm sweats instead of the cheap nylon warmup things given out to most poor souls. Haha!
I also managed to oversleep by a good 2 hours and now probably won't be recieving credit for leadership studies. >_< Oh well. I suppose the class was worth it if only for the conversations with Mr. Hazel. And who knows, I might still manage to get credit somehow.
Song du Jour: Innocent - Our Lady Peace.
Today was really not my day at tech. First show went alright, didn't mess anything up or miss a cue. Drove Cait to lunch at CJ's with my techie homies. She made the mistake of changing in the car...some passerby's got a bit of an eyeful (not like that, sicko's, she was still clothed. Just had on a tanktop instead of a turtle neck. She can certainly blush, though.) Stole some pizza from the band homies and then went backstage. This is where my bad night started. I somehow zoned out and grabbed the wrong baton, proceeding to fly an electric instead of the legs. Yeah. Knocked two lights (combined value of over 6 grand) out of focus, one of which wasn't noticed until it didn't work properly during teh show. >_< Nothing permanent, though, both are fine now. But right after this, I sorta shamefacedly walked towards the shop to get a wrench or something. As I left the stage, Jeff drove the lift right at me. I dodged, straight into the bookshelves which were stacked against the wall. I was still in shock or something from flying out the electric and totally failed to catch them. Elaine and Jeff both seemed pretty pissed...reports indicated Elaine started swearing when they hit...she spent like 4 days painting the bookshelves. >_< However, again I lucked out...no real damage was done, just needed to rescrew some boards. And they'd already been broken before, so I didn't hurt anything that wasn't already hurt. To top it off, I managed to pass out during the show and almost missed a cue. Scotty boy kicked me just in time. Amazingly, Jeff wasn't mad at me at all after the show...just gave me a grimace and laughed that I could be so big and klutzy while dexterous at the same time. (He observed me swinging Evan around above my head and later doing some odd breakdancing.) After tech notes, I headed out to hayes for some pizza with chris, mary, devon, Cait, and nolan. Then headed with Cait (and nolan following) up to beth fagan's house for the cast/crew party. Mountain Dew is good stuff; fagan's house is even better. Most awesome view of portland, not to mention an incredible house. Managed to get kinda lost or something on the way to Cait's, but some some more incredible views...I need to explore skyline some more sometime. Got home by 1:40 after observing two poor souls trapped in ditches with cops on hand. Was rather glad that wasn't me.
I warned y'all I wouldn't be on aim much for a while, and obviously I haven't been here. :D Tomorrow is the final show followed by strike, I prolly won't be home until late. Kinda miss talking to people but I've had almost as much fun today as on any other day...almost. Still, twas an awesome day.
I reiterate, if you need to talk, call me...I won't be here for a good 48ish hours, most likely.
Song du Jour: Haven't found one that fits perfectly for the day; have to be a cross between Hands Down and Open Road Song, I guess. Dashboard for the spirit of the song (not the literal meaning) and Eve6 for the driving aspect. Something like that. Not really worth struggling over, the caffine is wearing off. Which means bedtime.
Today was a pretty good day, though I felt like shit for quite a while. I did the whole school thing and passed out during lunch (didn't eat anything) and actually made it through the day fairly well, just slept a fair bit more than I should have. After school I passed out (missing track pratice), got some coffee, bowled, worked the play, and then went to Evan's for a little (heh) party. Oh, btw, we broke the bloody lift. Ya know, that big monster thing that the orchestra plays on? Yeah...one of the four hydralic spring things that hold it up more or less exploded before my eyes. And no, I didn't do anything!!! I swear! Regardless, its gonna take some time and money to fix...won't be better before the end of the month, I don't think.
As for the crazy driving, that involves 6 people squeezed into a jeep cherrokee busting out some Guns 'n Roses. Good times.
Tomorrow I'm going to school by 12:30 and will stay there till 11ish. If you wanna chill with me afterwards, gimme a call. Sunday is about the same, only strike is after (no real chilling). From now on, I do have football/track 5 days a week until 5-6ish, maybe later. Only exception is coffeehouse friday, which I still need to finalize plans for.
L.i.T. is now at valley. Joy!
And finally, on a deeper note, I think I've finally let go of everything that's been bothering me lately (this is a good thing). I'll know for sure in a couple weeks/a month tops. Kinda hard to tell right away if you've changed or if you just think you have. Will be nice to go back to a stress-free lifestyle.
Ladies, your Encounter is next weekend...my prayers will be with you. May you feel the love. ^ ^
Song du Jour: My Eyes Burn - Matchbook Romance
"My eyes burn from these tears. You'd think you learn over the years; good things won't last forever. So what the hell am I supposed to do? You only wanted the things that I couldn't give to you. So take back everything, leave me scrambling, reaching for something that wasn't there in the first place..."
Ahh, sweet peace...God is love.
...we all known them. Those moments where you are abosolutely certain as to what someone wants to hear. Yet I just can't say it sometimes. I can enter a discussion and know exactly how to get the results I want and find myself unable to do it. Lack of conviction? Perhaps too much conviction. The ends don't justify the means, there are some things that I must fight about. Never could take the easy path, I suppose.
Play Thursday, Friday, Saturday (twice) and Sunday, followed by strike Sunday. Won't be home a lot, call my cell if you really need me.
mostly because I didn't go to class at all. We did two showings of the play, one at 9:15 and one at 12:45 (rough times, I don't really remeber when we started). Despite this, I had to be at school for call by 7:30. No time to sleep in. Shows went pretty well, I've more or less got all my cues memorized now, which makes it easier. Spent a lot of the time backstages wrestling with evan (literally) and sleeping.
Right now I feel rather strangely...its like all kinds of stuff is leaning on me, and I should feel squished and tired and sore, and I don't really feel anything. Maybe I'm just numb from lack of sleep. :D But really, all kinds of things are coming up, like that history paper, coffeehouse, MWE, spring break, prom, junior paper, etc. and I'm not that worried. I should be, this is gonna take a ton of work. I think I'm returning to my easy going self after a good two or three weeks of highs and lows. Highs and lows for me, that is...I'm sure everything would be pretty normal for someone else, but I'm not really used to feeling more that contentedness and excited happiness. Makes me rather hypocritical because I always pry when people consistantly say they're doing "ok" or "alright" because no one can be constantly ok...there are happier moments and sadder moments, and you're never really just ok. But I am. :D Suppose that means others must be too. I'll have to try and accept that.
My pondering question for the day has been one of trust. I tend to not be very trusting, one of my mantras is that if its not in someone's best interest to tell you something, you can't count on the doing it. This basic idea can be applied to all kinds of interactions with people, and in the past it has served to uncover things that I would not have otherwise known. It seems that this philosophy is useful before you become close to someone, but not after. There comes a certain point where you need to start trusting in order to maintain a healthy relationship and allow it to properly grow. Suspisions will only drive you apart, whether or not that are founded in fact. Even though I've realized this, though, I can't seem to let go of it...my mind is constantly searching for things that people wouldn't want to tell me yet seem likely. For example, anytime someone says one thing but seems to act to the contrary, I start examining the situation and thier actions to see what is "the truth", regardless of what they've said. And when you look hard enough for evidence of something, you're bound to find it. And then what do you do? A confrontation will not solve anything and if you were "lied" to in the first place, the crucial bond of trust has already been broken and you couldn't trust them to tell the truth anyhow. But if you're wrong, your doubt of them also breaks the bond of trust and they can no longer trust you. Clearly, the best responce (short of not getting suspicious in the first place) is to do nothing. But doing nothing means everything is trapped inside you and will slowly build up...
I still need to let go. There are some things I care about too much that are slowly taking over my life; I should not allow this. God, Family, School, Team...seems friends have slipped in right behind family, God keeps getting pushed aside, and school means next to nothing. Some reordering would definately be a good thing.
I've rediscovered Evanescence lately, been listening to them, SoCo, and Taking Back Sunday almost constantly. Emo is overwhelming...
On a similar note, I've learned I rather suck at playing serious piano...the two hands need to play DIFFERENT parts, that's what keeps getting me...practice makes perfect though...
Where Will You Go - Evanescence
This song used to be one of my athems but isn't so much anymore...I prefer You of late.
You're too important for anyone, there's something wrong with everything you see. But I know who you really are, you're the one who cries when you're alone. Where will you go with no one left to save you from yourself? I relalize you're afriad, but you can't reject the whole world. You can't escape, you won't escape, you don't want to escape. And where will you go?
Hm. Once again, it has been a while since I last updated. I suppose that the breakneck pace I set at first would have been impossible to keep up even without the play. That, by the way, has been the major factor in making my life insanely busy. Monday and Wednesday there were rehersals, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights and Sunday afternoon I worked on the "all star fly team". Tomorrow I get out of school to work back stage again, which should be fun. Saturday I happened to be upon the max and witnessed some cops checking tickets. They really do have a good system. At STC, they wait at the very top of the stairs so that you can't see them until its too late to get on a different train or walk the other way. While I was there, they nabbed about 4 punks without tickets. Glad I had mine with me.
Reality is subjective, obviously. My perception of reality is not your perception. However, I have to beleive that in some cases, there is one 'true' reality. I can only hope to bring my perceptions in line with it. Please, dear readers, do not knowingly allow me to misjudge you. I have developed a self-confident attitude to the point that I would stake my life on some of my perceptions...to knowingly allow me to be led astray in this regard would be rather cruel. :D
I have also noticed a tendancy in myself to accept my own feelings over those of someone else, ie, feel that in some respect, I know them better than they know themself. Now obviously, I can never know more about someone (factually) than they do, unless they lost their memory or something. However, I think that my somewhat more objective position allows me insights into things they do not realize.
Oh, and yes, I am stubborn. Or at least, persistant. Once I beleive something, truely beleive something, I do not want to accept that I might be wrong, simply because being wrong in this case would be extremely painful. Self doubt is one of my greatest fears, for once you cannot trust yourself, who can you trust?
Some of you will likely feel parts of my stubbornness at some point...I ask you to have patients with me and know that what I do I do out of the firm beleif that I am acting for the best. Either that, or I'm just not thinking...or both. :D
Prom is coming up faster than many people realize...have you thought about what you're going to do yet? I'm still slightly up in the air myself...I'm almost definately attending, but my specific plans will gravitate around a few unrelated factors that have yet to decide themselves. Suffice to say I will not be planning anything that big, so if you are looking for someone to make plans/tag along with, I am not he. I've seen far too much of what groups and fancy restraunts produce. IE, if I'm not eating at someone's house, I will have little/nothing to do with the planning and responcibility that comes along with that. I fully intend to enjoy myself that night, not worry about who's going to break a glass or forget to pay a bill. :D
My friends, you are not what people think you are, you are not what you make of yourself, you are what you are. Please do not make the mistake of assuming that if someone thinks something about you that their perception of you must be accurate. Likewise, do not automatically assume your judgements of yourself are correct.
We won't stand for hazy eyes anymore...
Song du jour: Secret Smile - Semisonic
*snip snip*
Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me
Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me
So use it and prove it
Remove this whirling sadness
I'm losing, I'm bluesing
But you can save me from madness
Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me
Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me
So save me I'm waiting
I'm needing, hear me pleading
And soothe me, improve me
I'm grieving, I'm barely believing now, now
When you are flying around and around the world
And I'm lying alonely
I know there's something sacred and free reserved
And received by me only