Well, its now official, I guess. Mary finally got permission to come to prom, so I'll be "taking" her. To all you bums who pestered me to get a date...I did not do this to appease you. I did this cause she wanted to go and couldn't go otherwise, and she's a friend. So HAH! :D
Sounds like we'll (along with Scotty, Adrianna, Jeff, Elise, Cory, Jessie, and some others whom I cannot remember off the top of my head) be headin down to Jake's downtown before all the hoopla. Not sure as to specific plans for that evening (IE, am I driving? If not, I'll prolly be bummin off Scotty.) but it should be a great deal of fun.
I would like to take a moment to acknowledge those who will not be attending, particularly those who will be refraining from participating due to strong convictions. I'm sure you'll find something equally fun, and know that as much as I may harass you about it, I do respect you. Its quite hard to stick to your beliefs in the face of strong pressure.
This Saturdayish signals the beginning of my "Hell Week". Perhaps you have not heard me explain my schedule, so I shall do so now. Saturday I have SAT's and then need to work the auction. Somewhere in there I'm supposed to do some errands, chores, and attend a cast meeting...something there will have to be dropped. Sunday, I gots mass with the fam, meeting with Dr. G to prepare for the coming madness, and I need to start on my Junior Paper and History Research Paper outline. Monday I have track, football, rehersal, a meeting with Father Oliver, some work on the play movie, and some work on the french movie. Tuesday got the sports, jazz band, and the french movie. Wednesday is my Calculus BC AP test, which I need a perfect score, a track meet that will own my evening, and a Death Cab for Cutie concert that I might not be attending (due to track). Thursday I have rehersal and sports as well as work on the french movie and hist. outline. Friday the outline is due and I need to party hard. Saturday night I come home and start finishing the Junior Paper, same with Sunday. Monday is the Junior Paper due date aswell as my Physics AP test. And that is the ordeal known as hell week. (Oh, I left out that I need an outline of the french movie sometime that week and its due the week of the AP test. I think.) If I don't kill myself, it'll be good times.
Been listening to a lot of music, both new and old, lately. Gotta say that a new The Early November song stuck in my head the most:
Pretty, Pretty
Early in the morning, wake up to a bright blue sky
lightning comes at any time to break it down and make it ugly
i know that it's just for me
'cause no one else can feel or understand
that's alright because i can handle all that you throw down
and i hope you find a perfect place
where sky's are beautiful all of the time
it's all that matters, pretty, pretty
and i know that's all you could care about
there's no reason why you can't
it's all about the icing, and nobody cares about what's inside
you could see the outside face, it looks good, it must be great
and i know that's all you see
what would it matter anyway
'cause i can see right through your pretty, pretty skin today
and i hope you find a perfect place
where sky's are beautiful all of the time
it's all that matters, pretty, pretty
and i know that's all you could care about
there's no reason why you can't
and no reason why i should try to go on anymore
my reason's all gone, no reason why you should
try to make excuses to make me feel alright
excuses call for stupid reasons
and i know that it's not much that i can offer right now
just give me one little second and i will try my hardest
to make you feel like i'm someone else.
Well, it appears I am an actor now. I haven't been in any sort of play in an acting role since 8th grade. Methinks this will be fun, and hey, its not like I was busy or anything. >_<
Also gonna be an EM. Seems kinda overwhelming, but again, it should be fun.
It seems that from now till "dead week" I will be swamped. Anytime I'm not studying or doing homework, I should be. Yeah, its that bad. We'll see if I can maintain a social life and keep updating VS. I'm nervous, though.
Yesterday, I learned a new song. I love it. Maybe you will too: "Someone special, someone special, if you look, you will see, someone very special, someone very special, yes its you, yes its me!" all sung to the tune of "Frere Jaques". I know it sounds corny at first, but it really is an uplifting song. Especially when you sing it in a group and sway back and forth, holding your baby bird lovechild thingy in your arms. Still not sure of the gender of my baby...at last check, it was a little dude called Fergie. Kinda hard to tell with birds though. (if that made no sence to you, that's ok...its a ODOG thing. Power to Wendt's first period english accl. class!)
For some reason, I've really felt like shit lately. 99% of life is going perfectly, and I still feel tired, sick, weary, and slightly down. I certainly can't understand it. "I wear my heart on my sleeve but with a word can convince you its naught but a button."
Gotta go to springfest on saturday, other than that I'll prolly be hanging around the house and watching movies. Oh, and sleeping. Sleeping a lot. If you have a burning desire to do something with me this weekend, gimme a ring or something...but I'm not sure I'll be up to it. *sigh*
I finally agree with the Jesuit Admins/Faculty that our integrity/honor is the most important thing we have. I don't know if you've ever had someone you trusted a great deal lie to you, either directly or through the silences (you're quite right, ben), but it hurts. A lot. But what comes afterwords hurts even more. Once you've been lied to, how can you trust that person again? Even worse, it becomes harder to trust other people. One lie can cause you to subconciously reconsider what everyone says. Not a pleasant experience, I assure you. Do what you will to me, but please, do not look me in the eye and lie.
Well, time for bed and reading and work and whatnot. See ya'll tomorrow or something.
OH, and God Bless ACE! My thoughts and prayers will be with you, me amigos!
"Letters To You
Can't you see
That I wanna be
There with open arms
It's empty tonight
And I'm all alone
Get me through this one
Do you notice I'm gone?
Where do you run to
So far away?
I want you to know that
I miss you, I miss you so
I want you to know that
I miss you, I miss you so
I'm writing again
These letters to you
Aren't much I know
But I'm not sleeping and
You're not here
The thought stops my heart
Do you notice I'm gone?
Where do you run to
So far away?
I want you to know that
I miss you, I miss you so
I want you to know that
I miss you, I miss you so
I want you to know that
I miss you, I miss you so
I want you to know that
I miss you, I miss you so
No more looking
I've found home
I want you to know that
I miss you, I miss you so
I want you to know that
I miss you, I miss you so
I want you to know that
I miss you, I miss you so
I want you to know that
I miss you, I miss you so
I've gone away
I've gone away..." - Finch
"The battle's over, you've won the war, and I can't remember what we were fighting for. I'm left with scars upon my heart; these wounds have roots reaching right back to the start. And I've stepped out of line, tried to leave this bleeding behind, but I'm already gone..." - Cassidy
"Now that I'm learning to let go, I'll still think of you tonight, and something inside just won't feel right..." - Cassidy
Basically, I slept, read, and hung out online today. Also did some construction stuff and helped teach my mom and sister about their new laptops, but it wasn't really work. Also found many new indie bands while scouring the net.
I still feel kinda down, though. One friend is going through some hard times (well...at least one...) and I have no idea what to do. Actually, I feel incredibly helpless right now. There are several situations in which I long to act, to reach out, to do anything...but I can't. I haven't talked, really talked, to one friend in well over a week. A part of me doubts I ever will again...and that hurts. Also, it seems I really did reinjure my leg...two weeks, and it still hurts. Damn. I might have to see a doctor, but I'm trying to put it off until after track season. Can't afford to get downchecked right now.
School's bearing down on me too...ugh.
But overall, things are going well...I can't wait for summer.
Stop looking through me...look at me with love or hate, but at least see me...
I've now seen six movies this weekend: Kill Bill Vol. 1 and 2, The Punisher, Rat Race, The Pianist, and Intolerable Cruelty. Yeah, movies are becoming addicting. Oh well.
Lately, I've received some questions concerning Third Try. If you're reading this and are also interested in this awesome but no longer existant band, email me at viper37@evula.org and I'd be happy to pass some info on to you. In fact, I think I'll just make up a webpage.
Have you ever had one of those awkward times where you suddenly feel uncomfortable around someone you are/were incredible close to? To the point that you practically stop talking to one another because things just feel weird. Yeah, I hate that. A lot. But there's nothing you (I?) can do. Or, at the least, it feels like there's nothing. Hopefully, a solution will come to me...I'm sick of all the junk people put between each other. Sometimes the way things should be is so insanely obvious to me, but there's no way to make them be the way they should be. Like watching two people fight when you know that if they both just stopped for a few minutes and thought about the stupidity of their arguement, they'd instantly make up and everything would be cool again. But if you attempt to intervene, both parties will unite for a moment in their outrage at your attempted assistance before returning to battering each other emotionally. Or, what's perhaps worse, watching two people slowly fall apart from one another. There's no real reason for it, neither of them understand it, but neither will reach out a finger to stop it. (maybe because they think it's hopeless?) Furthermore, an offer of assistance will instantly be turned down and the parties involved will say they're fine and its what the other one wants. But if they're both saying that...
Why do people hurt one another? In particular, why must we hurt the ones we love and why is it so easy for them to hurt us?
At the same time, however, people can be amazingly loving, kind, and caring without even realizing it. Ever been walking down the hall, feeling kinda down but not enough that you can really put your finger on it, and suddenly a face lights up and joyously asks for a hug? If you haven't, I wish that you could undergo this experience...its truely uplifting. I mean, sure, we all know we're loved (ok, don't respond to that) and people want us around (don't respond to that either, I'll address it in a moment) but that pure, real sign of love and appreciation is...well, indescribable. Suffice to say it can brighten the darkest of days in an instant. If you're reading this, and recognize yourself...thank you. I cannot express my gratitude to you over such a seemingly small act.
*Did you ever notice that if you shine a light at the proper angle on the bottom of a freshly burned dvd, there are amazing holographic rainbows that appear to be springing out at you? Quite beautiful...and no, I'm not on drugs right now. Sorry to disapoint. :P*
Now, as to those of you who do not feel loved...I have two reactions about you, and they're complete opposites. On one hand, I pity you incredibly and hope you can come to realize how much people care for you. Yeah, there are people in the world who are not directly loved by any human being. Sorry to dash your hopes, but you ARE NOT one of them. (I'm making a base assumption that you are one of the people who actually know me. If you found this site off google or something, none of this really applies to you...but if you want someone to talk to, I'd be happy to discuss this with ya) But those who know me, you are loved. And even disregarding me, many, many other people love you aswell. If only you could step back and see yourself, you'd realize how loved you are. This brings on my second feeling...a part of me wants to tell you to quit all the bloody self pity crap and move on. Get over yourself, your life is not that pathetic. You are not the saddest person in the world. Chances are you have NEVER known real tragedy. Do your parents beat you? Did they abandon you? Have you EVER been abused in any real way? Are you starving? Do you not attend the best friggen school in the friggen state? Are there not countless opportunities open to you for your future? You even have internet access and enough free time to be reading crap like this! If you really think your life sucks, stop all your annoying whining and DO something about it! Maybe you can't think of a solution. Maybe you need someone to listen to you, and you just need to vent. I am perfectly willing to listen to you for as long as you need, and might even be able to come up with some ideas. But once you degrade to just plain whining, when you pity yourself because it feels good, when you claim my advice is worthless after I take the time to listen and decide to try and help you out...well, that pisses me off. What do you want me to do? Say your life is the worst in the history of the entire world, bust out a tissue, and cry like a baby? No. I sympathize with you that life can be pretty damn hard at times. I'd bet, and no need to answer this, that well over 3/4's of us have at least contempated trying to get out of it. I'm certain several have even tried. And yeah, I would do anything, ANYTHING, to help you if that's what you need. But letting you whine to me...that does nothing for either of us (except slowly piss me off). To summerize...if you have a problem, need a friend, just wanna talk...I'm here. You degrade yourself to whining and ignore everything I say, particularly the bits where I point out your lack of logic and general whiney-ness, and you should find someone else to listen to you. Come back and see me once you wanna talk again.
Hm...this is turning into a rather pleasing rant. I think I'll continue.
I wonder if you can ever really know someone else. Actually, scratch that...I wonder if you can ever truely know anyone, yourself included. Think about it: how often have you done something completely out of character for yourself, something you never thought you'd do? How often have you said something and a moment later realized that you never should have said it and wondered why you did? How often have you been around someone and suddenly realized you have no idea what they'll do next, or what they're thinking, or why they did what they did? We seem to be random, almost, in our interactions with the world. I'm told its a part of being a teen, but why do I go from happy to snappish in less than a second? Why can I know someone well enough to predict what they'll say before they say it, yet cannot tell what they're thinking when it actually matters? Why can I know someone for years and suddenly realize they are not who I thought they were? How can I know myself my entire life and still not know who I am? Mysteries of life, maybe.
And finally...death. Several movies I've seen this weekend have focused a great deal on death, and that's caused my far too overactive mind to go to work. Why is death, at least for christians, sad? Hold back your denial for a second here and consider it. Why is death tragic? When someone dies, to them, the cares of the world no longer matter. Many, particularly those who led painful lives, are doubtlessly bound for a better place, even if only to a nothing-ness end to suffering. If you believe in the All-mighty, they have finally gone to their god. The most tragic thing, in my eyes, is that we no longer have a chance to experience someone, and they can no longer experience life. With the latter, I will go out on a limb and claim that people will not really regret things on earth they did not experience because they will either have more pressing concerns or have no need (capacity?) to worry about anything. With the former, we're being selfish bums. The only difference, in terms of the perception of the living, between someone dying and someone leaving is that there is no hope of ever meeting them again in person. Again, if you believe in heaven, you should be reunited under happier circumstances before too long. If you don't, well, you might never see someone who leaves again either.
I realize I'm not communicating this very well...I just have this wonder as to why we always perceive death as tragic (don't get me wrong...I too am saddened every time I read of a child killed in a car accident) but parting ways on earth is accepted as a part of life. *shrug* Sleep deprivation is messing with my head...maybe I'll return and turn this rant thing into legible writing later, though don't hold your breath.
Songs du Soir:
Sunday Drive by The Early November and Conscience by Weekend Excursion keep running through my head, and anytime I see double numbers on a clock (11:11) Konstantine starts up too. However, the music for today has to be Paradigm by All Together Separate:
Everybody loves a rose,
But will you be thankful for the thorns?
Love is easy when you're loved,
But do you curse another when you're alone?
Oh, I give my life to You so I can gain it back again
Oh, I stand solid while the paradigm is shifting
You say live and let live,
But people are dying everyday
And you say what I don't know won't hurt me
But if what I do not know is the very thing I need,
Then I say
Oh, I give my life to You so I can gain it back again
Oh, I stand solid while the paradigm is shifting
Humanity sees truth through a shattered window pane
That blocks the view, and plants the seed
So we draw the curtains to close but I say
That the sun can still shine behind a closed mind
And sticks and stones do hurt
When tossed from the tongue of mankind
Oh, I give my life to You so I can gain it back again
Oh, I stand solid while the paradigm is shifting
Is shifting...away...
Goodnight all...may God envelope you and bring you dreams of love and peace...
...So I suppose I might as well type something. No worries, this blog will not die a painful death until some point a ways in the future. A lack of updates merely indicates I'm busy or nothing of importance has happened (or, at least, nothing of importance that I care to share with the likes of you ;D). This friday I will be headin up to century to see Kill Bill Vol. 2 and The Punisher. Contact me if ya wanna come, just know I won't be giving rides. Yeah, I'm lazy or something.
My life...what's been happening in it? In my opinion, nothing of extreme importance...others, however, would beg to differ. My apathy for school in general has caused a first for me, namedly, my first JUG at JHS. Yeah. I came to school Tuesday unaware I needed a Bible, put in a small amount of effort to locate one, and when that source vanished I suffered an attack of morality (or laziness?) and decided it was time to take a hit. Rather than walking 10 feet to take one from Mr. Daley's or Mrs. Heiman's rooms, or even just accepting the one Cait thoughtfully offered me, I took on a zen-like look and sat quietly at my desk, raising my hand with a bashful grin to exclaim that yes, I needed a JUG for not bringing a Bible. Or something like that. To me, though, it wasn't a big deal. I realized that what I'd been avoiding all these years was not punishment of any sort, but rather punishment for some defect of character or unacceptable behavior. I have never, in my entire life, recieved any sort of punishment from anyone outside my family for innapporpriate behavior. I've now recieved a total of two referal/JUGs, both for forgetting a textbook (if the Bible counts as a textbook). I find it interesting, however, to note that I am frequently the cause of disputes in my family due to rude/disrespectful behavior. It seems I keep one side of myself locked up in "public" and release the parts of me that I hate around those whom I am absolutely comfortable around. With most people, that doesn't go over very well. However, somehow, there are a few people that I always seem to get along with...maybe due to chance, but I think it more relates to some similarity in nature or perhaps a greater tolerance for each other's actions. Whatever it is, I'm glad its there...I think I push enough people away as it is.
Motivation of late has been severely lacking. Nothing I do these days seems to accomplish anything. I know that something is happening (if I didn't I wouldn't bother doing anything) but I cannot seem tangible results of a nature that convince me I'm doing the right thing or I'm doing something worthwhile. That's all I really want, I think, to make some sort of a postitive difference in a fashion that helps others. There's no real direction to my life of late, probably because any/all direction has always come from some outside source. Parents, coaches, teachers, friends: these people give me causes to beleive in and I adopt them as my own. But nothing has really come from within me...I cannot even think of one thing that I want for myself. A State Championship in football, for example, would not be a desire from within me because I wouldn't give a damn about football if my parents and coaches and teammates had not convinced me it has meaning. But still...it seems to be more their meaning. I won't even start on schoolwork. I may take personal pride in my work and successes, but they are not truely mine for I did not truely desire them. My only true personal triomphe of late leaves a bittersweet taste in my mouth: at the very moment I attained success I lost things of equal or greater importance to me.
Life is incredibly temporary, as are all things within it. In just over a year, I'll be gone, off to collage and away from everyone I know and love. Two months from now I'll be done with my classes for this year. Already I am faced with the knowledge I will never again have one of my favorite teachers as a teacher, even worse, I will never see them walking the halls again. Come graduation (in just over a month?) a good number of people I know and respect will be gone to me, probably forever. What is there that we can hold on to and state with certainty "This is here. This is mine. This will never be taken from me nor even leave me. In this I can trust"? It occurs to me the obvious answer would be God. God is always there for us, etc. But can I trust myself to trust in God? I honestally don't know. Right now, yes, I trust God. I trust God with my life, I trust him to do the best thing for me. However, I cannot state with certainty that I will trust Him tomorrow. Certainty seems to constantly elude me...
"So tell me, is there love or is there pain? And is it fair that you can't hear me? Cause I can't hear you speaking to me. I don't know why I'm still here; look below. I've fallen from grace..." Consceince - Weekend Excursion
Good things won't last forever...
- Weekend Excursion
Mistakes were made, I gave you my honest opinion.
I don't mind that you don't need me, 'cause I don't need you to see through me.
Conscience is a part of my soul.
You broke away, you gave me your honest decision. [only in the silence...]
And is it fair that you don't hear me, 'cause I don't hear you speaking to me?
My conscience has a mind of its own.
Take me apart until you're satisfied.
I don't know why; so tell me, is there love or is there pain?
Yesterday, you told me your honest intentions. [your eyes...]
Are you ok? You won't reach out to me, but I can still feel you living through me.
My conscience wouldn't leave you alone.
Take me apart until you're satisfied.
I don't know why; so tell me, is there love or is there pain?
Don't cry and don't forget to wave goodbye.
I'll still be here waiting.
Look below; I've fallen from grace.
Yeah...
So tell me, who am I?
You must have changed me...
Take me apart until you're satisfied.
I don't know why I'm still here.
Look below; I've fallen from grace.
Yeah...
Take me apart until you're satisfied.
I don't know why I'm still here.
Look below; I've fallen from grace.
I don't know why I'm still here; I've fallen from grace.
I don't know why; (is there love?) I'm still here; I've fallen from grace (is there pain?).
Any who has any old video game hardware they'd like to donate to a good home, talk to me. I might even be willing to pay you.
Today ended up rocking. Met Jesse finally (who is totally awesome) and basically hung out with me amigos for a good 11 hours. Rockin' time.
Don't beleive the lies, keep searching for the truth...ugly as it may be.
Time to go watch some movies until I pass out.
-Rise Against
Simply because you can breathe,
Doesn’t mean you’re alive,
Or that you really live,
This life here has taken it’s toll
And she just doesn’t know how much more she can give
But here, at the top of the world, I raise my hands and I clench my fists,
They stand before me below demanding the answers with flips of a switch
I don’t understand where you got this idea,
So deeply engrained in your head
That this world is something that you must impress,
Because I couldn’t care less
A need for revolution’s rising, it comes to the surface, gasping for air,
We’re not putting up with this planet one more day much less one more year
I don’t understand where you got this idea,
So deeply engrained in your head
That this world is something that you must impress,
Because I couldn’t care less
So here and now, in our rotting nation
The blood, it pours, it’s all on our hands now
We live, in fear, of our own potential
To win, to lose, it’s all on our hands now
I have an amerikan dream,
But it involves black masks and gasoline,
One day I’ll turn these thoughts into screams,
At a world turned it’s back down on me
I don’t understand where you got this idea,
So deeply engrained in your head
That this world is something that you must impress,
Because I couldn’t care less
I'm working to update Viper Studios...I plan on getting all the new stuff I have sitting here up by monday night, latest. Always more delays, I know, but eventually it will all go up.
Yeah, hopefully people haven't noticed...but I've really felt like shit this week. Voice hasn't felt right since Monday and has gotten worse every day. I don't really have any energy when I'm not hyped up on adreniline. Worst is the head and throat aches when I don't take advil. Ugh.
Had fun at Sara's, though...twas a good night.
Should have Ben's stuff up by tonight (wow...sunday already...) but that daylight's savings time thingy and my sickness might delay it a few days...if so, my deep apologies. But I'm only human.
I started thinking again tonight, despite my best efforts not to. Damn. And my head already hurt... >_<
I'm gonna go sleep for like 10 hours now. Night all.
Adieu