May 29, 2004

The Day After Tomorrow, and The Godfather

Yesterday, I spent my last few bucks for the month watching The Day After Tomorrow with some amigos. The film would qualify as a literary success in no one's book, but it was still great as what it was: a disaster movie. And almost all the special effects were awesome (those wolves looked kinda fake, but they were still better than other's I've seen). Then, after running scotty and alex home and having some conversations on aim, I watched the Godfather. Great, great, great film. Directed by Sophia Copola's dad, as I discovered, and it qualifies as the best mobsteresque movie I've ever seen. Hell, it probably invented the genre.

You would think I could learn from the past. Everytime I allow myself to get trapped in a valley and think things are bad, I turn out to be wrong and everything is back to great within a day or so. Lesson to be learned here: when shit happens, don't immediately react. Wait it out and be certain before you do anything.

I still plan on focusing on football a ton this year. As I type this, my arms are still in pain from overlifting on thursday. That's prolly gonna continue three times a week all summer; I need to do something to get my stength back up where it should be.

There are a few other things I would like to address in this today aswell. One is human nature. Everyone, it seems, is governed by a set of rules or tendancies that control how and when they respond to things. Sure, they are sometimes (perhaps always, with enough effort?) capable of overcoming these tendancies, but they either fail to do so or choose not to. These range from the small and subconcious, pulling your hand back when you touch something hot, to the large and seemingly controled, like how you react to someone when you are angry with them. However, regardless of how controlable these responces appear, they're predictablity categorizes them as being outside simple control. And as much as I may hate these tendancies sometimes, changing them would fundementally change the person they belong to. If you operate off the base assumption that the person with the tendencies (a friend, family member, or even yourself) is good to begin with, or that you like them for who they are, you cannot possibly attempt to change them. (the exception being, of course, yourself...only you can attempt to change yourself.) I've come to the conclusion that these tendencies must be tolerated and avoided when possible. Know that I will not hate you for them, but will hold you accountable for your actions nevertheless. I hope you will do the same for me.

And, on a different note, I would like to ramble about hope and joy. Hope seems to be the emotion that sustains us, "where there's life, there's hope" and all that. So long as we have hope in something, we can keep going. Once we lose hope, we are almost certain of failure. Joy seems to come from hope fulfilled, whether it is a hope we admit or know we have or not. Joy can also come from contemplating hope fulfilled. Basically, it's good to dream and try to fulfill those dreams.

Music:
"At Least We're Dreaming" - Eve 6
"Friend of Mine" - Eve 6
That song by the rembrants...track 5 or something...
The "Italian Music" from The Godfather
"Goodnight" - Evanescence

Posted by Viper37 at 02:35 PM | Comments (0)

May 26, 2004

Apathy

There are times when I lose all motivation. Right now, I literally have zero short term motivation. The thing I'm most excited for is the sudden realization that if I actually put in some effort, I could seriously kick ass at football. Downside is I've never in my life put effort into things of this nature. Regardless, I feel a sudden urge to drop everything else and start lifting and running until I can barely move. Self punishment, if you will.

But as for the near future...I don't want to go to school tomorrow; in fact, the best part of my day will be my religion final. I'M ACTUALLY LOOKING FOREWARD TO WRITING ESSAYS MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN MY DAY! How incredibly pathetic is that? Math and physics mean nothing to me, organic chem is far more boring than I thought, I have no Econ. lecture tomorrow, french is...french, and there's only so many distractions in English (not that Mr. Wendt isn't the coolest English teacher alive...just that I don't really see any reason to go to class.)

Oh, and my mom thinks I'm coming down with mono or something. I think its cause of my extreme apathy stealing all my energy. But still...I hope she's wrong. Sickness wouldn't help me at all.

Several things I've wanted for a long time are rather shakey, others might fall apart. The sad part here is I can't muster the enthusiasm to care. Today I honestly began considering getting a job just so that I might have someplace to go every day...I'm not sure how much I'm gonna enjoy having free time this summer. I've looked forward to it ever since school started, and now I almost don't want it to come. Emotions suck.

After some deep thought today, I decided ignoring someone is the cruelest thing one person can do to another. You refuse to acknowledge their humanity, or even exsitance. I longed to punch a wall (later I gave in and beat on the floor, and almost dislocated a finger from not pulling the last one...then I beat the shit outta a soccerball...I hope I didn't dent anything with it). There's a point where you're ready to grab someone and scream at them "I'M RIGHT HERE! LOOK AT ME! CURSE ME, LOVE ME, HATE ME, JUST ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I'M ALIVE!" or some variation. I can't even call today a bad day, though...bad days are categorized by extreme negative feelings/events, whereas today I just had a huge buildup of emotion...not really negative or positive. *sigh* I wish everything could be simple again...I've decided the best single moments of my highschool life were summer-fall soph year and summer junior year. Dislocating my kneecap kinda ruined this year for me, I suppose...amongst other things. Not that its been bad...just not as extremely awesome as it should have been. Once more I find myself in transition, needing to decide what kind of person I will let myself be. I'm tired of being the motivator, the one who puts in the effort and gets people to do things or maintains relationships. I guess if things that require more than one person don't mean as much to others as they do to me, I'll deal with that and stop trying to make them care. It doesn't work in the long run.

This means, if I can actually stick to it, that you probably won't see me much away from the track/weightroom/whereever I'm working out areas this summer. I need to fundementally change the way I spend time. As much as I've loved it, hanging out hasn't accomplished the things I wanted it to and football, which I had been pulling away from all year, offers hope of salvation. I need to care about something along with people who share my dream, to try at something as hard as I can and succeed or fail know that I, and my friends, did everything possible to accomplish that goal. No more of this wishy-washy "I wanna do this but this other thing came up." or even worse, a lack of desire that infects me aswell. I'm fully aware that my chances of starting next year are nowhere near good, but that's OK. So long as I work my ass off, I'll find joy...I think.

To those of you (you know who you are) who seem able to read my moods better than I do and offer support (which I don't seem to notice) in my time of need: thank you. Weakness's true danger is in our inability to admit it...as you may have noticed, I hate to admit it. Please, keep doing what you're doing even when it seems I don't care...I really do.

I challenge all you cowards out there, you who gossip and chatter in the dark, who don't dare face me with your feelings but instead attempt to stab people in the back to grow a spine. Sadly, you won't heed this anymore than you do when I ask you to your face. Maybe sometime soon I'll grow a spine and do something about it. Regardless, if you can't look at yourself in the mirror and honestally say you care about others feelings, I feel I have no need to associate with you. You're better off on your own.

"She Said" - Homegrown
"Queen of Pain" - Alkaline Trio
"Failure by Design" - Brand New
"Jude Law and a Semester Abroad" - Brand New

I'd rather be beaten than ignored. Physical pain fades with time, emotional cruelty scars the heart.

Posted by Viper37 at 11:11 PM | Comments (2)

May 23, 2004

Closing Night...

We sold out three shows, with more people coming every night. There had to be almost 250 people there tonight, which was amazing. In kicking down the door, I barely tapped it at first and so it only partially fell. Then I gave it what I thought was another tap to knock it off the bottom hinge and it flew like 15 feet. Didn't hit anyone, though.

I feel guilty...Avital said today she was throwing a party instead of Beth Fagan. However, NO ONE I knew was going. Well, maybe Kent. And she lives a good 10-15 minutes from jhs and at that point I thought I had to be home by 12:30 (leaving me just over half an hour to party before going home). So I decided to crash with scotty at red robins. They were the coolest people ever and let us in right before closing...but we ended up with over 20 people there, about 90% of the cast and crew. Maybe the rest went to Avital's...I still feel guilty, though, knowing she wanted to have a party with everyone and barely anyone went.

Strike rocked though. I tore down a wall. Stage wall, but still, a wall. I want the tech inclined reading this to stop and consider all the female techies they know. Got 'em in your head? By my count, the trueblueasskicking females (basically, the ones I've seen do tech like any guy would) consist of Rachel, Adrianna, Karolyn (our wheel!), and Mary (during music man). Molly, our lightboard operate, is also a kickass techie I assume, but I've never seen her do anything but board. Anyhow, tonight, Sasha kicked ass in a miniskirt and highheels. No joke, she was carrying lumber and screwing shit and everything. (Not in a sick way, pervs). But the absolute best was michele. Get this: she complained that we (well...I) weren't letting her do enough work. She further complained when I changed the drill bit for her and offered to help her off a latter. SHE ROCKS! I mean, yeah, she thinks I'm psycho. But who doesn't? She seriously busted out the powertools, put up with the coddling of me on adreniline, and did work! And let me call her the "drill girl" (after I accepted she could do all the drilling and relegated myself to just holding the wood for her). That takes serious...ball? Whatever. Regardless, the Playwriting Festival had the best student writer, director, and cast of any play I've been associated with this year. Oh, and the tech show kicked major ass...best of the year. AND the strike crew I was on kicked the most ass. All in all...I wouldn't trade this weekend for the world. I'm gonna miss you, my fellow murderers.

Posted by Viper37 at 01:12 AM | Comments (0)

May 22, 2004

Murder In Hollywood/The Playwriting Festival

Today is the final showing of the 2004 Playwriting Festival. I love everyone involved (ok...MOST everyone). It has been a truely amazing experience. Kicking down doors and bustin' up mikee never was so fun! ;D

But yeah, so far I've felt things went great. Still, we haven't had a perfect night yet...mostly cause of the techies. >_< Yeah, it hurts to say that, and yeah, its not fully accurate. Most of the mishaps were just plain technical errors, not a mistake. And none involved in murder have done anything stupid...normally its just miscommunication. Still, I'd like to have one night where all the sound cues, video cues, and light cues were right on. While I may be a terrible actor, my fellow castmembers really deserve to have a chance to shine, and improvising around missing sounds and videos can make the entire thing seem a little shakey. But the audiences love it! So really...I'm happy and have no complaints. Devon rocks! (Now if only that one ASM could stop loosing props...sure as hell glad they're not responcible for murder...that sounded wrong.)

As I discovered during Music Man, cast/crew parties rock. As I've now discovered, they're even better when you actually feel like a part of the cast/crew instead of some sorta intruder who just kinda shows up. Don't mean to detract from the music man experience in any way...a small part of me just always felt outta place. Wasn't even a real techie. Now, however, I'm apparently a full-fledged actor. Yay!

I'm pretty much booked for the weekend, so sorry if you tried to get together with me at some point. Tonight's the show, strike, and an afterparty; tomorrow is the drama banquet. I guess if you really wanna see me you can gimme a call and I might be able to get you invited to the afterparty, but I doubt you'd really enjoy that. No sense of comradre.

Please, if you have time, pray for Lauren. Shit like that SHOULDN'T be happening to a highschooler, especially not one who's this awesome. I disliked her in the past because I thought she was somewhat exclusive and egotistical, but I've lately realized the error of my ways...and now I learn about this. Damn. Anyway, please pray for her, especially monday. Hopefully...hopefully everything will get better...

If you really, really want a Playwriting DVD, talk to me. It'll cost you a DVD (you provide a blank dvd-r) and maybe a small service charge to cover the fact that it sucks up my time in insane amounts, but I might wave that last. I don't mean to profit off this, once costs are met all proceeds go to Jeff and Elaine for whatever they need it for. But as I say, talk to me...not even sure I'll charge anything (If I don't do anymore editing or anything, costs are already met).

I really need to thank some friends here. I'm not gonna go into details listing you, I'd prolly forget someone and the things I need to thank you for aren't the most public of topics. Suffice to say those who have consoled, helped, hung out with, hugged, fed, and otherwise provided for me lately have been most appreciated. Stress has little effect when its purely academic...I owe all of you for taking away all social, dramatic, and otherwise stress that might have made this last week insanely hard. THANKS! And a slight reminder...if I do something that really, really bugs you/annoys you, pull me aside and talk to me about it. Can't fix what you don't know is broke. ;D

Laters!

Posted by Viper37 at 02:44 PM | Comments (0)

Prom, part 2 (or, an excellent weekend)

In short, "last" weekend rocked. I meant to write something about it earlier, but I've been insanely busy. Brief rundown of prom night: my vest thingy was both stained and ripped, so I had to send my dad to grab a new one while I picked up me date. Pictures at her place then back to mine for more pics and the new vest. Harborside for dinner (heh, we walked into the bar first cause the front door was in back...go figure. Definately got some interesting looks.) Turned out the reservation was under jeff's date's name, not his...the look on the dude's face when he couldn't find jeff's name was classic. He was scared he was gonna have to turn us away. Dinner rocked, I had a delicious sirloin steak thingy and a salad. Apparently, sometime during dinner I either loaned out my phone or dropped it...either way, it stayed at the restraunt when I left. After dinner, I drove me date, cory, and nancy to the TIffany Center, where we met up with the rest of the homes, beat the shit outta a parking meter for not working, danced, took yet another picture, enjoyed free italian soda things, danced, talked, and found a window to open to cool off. Afterwards, my group drove over to kenny's for a truely great afterparty that didn't stop till around 4 AM, when I finally fell asleep on dave's floor (where he MEANT for people to sleep. Jeez, get those nasty thoughts out of your head.) Sunday we headed to ken's for breakfast, starbucks for coffee (hauling some true ass...over 100, anyone?) and then had to head home to crash before "dress rehersal" and cue to cue. OH, I almost forgot. While looking for my phone in my car at ken's, I somehow managed to lock the keys in the trunk. I set them down, turned around, and the trunk slammed shut. Muchos thanks to mon pere for the save the next morning.

All in all, it was really really great. Only a few regrets, and those are minor. Can't do much for some of the drama that occured at the dance, just gotta hope the parties involved get their shit figured out eventually. Some people I woulda liked to hang with at the dance and afterparty weren't there, but again, what can ya do? There were plenty of awesome people about, I suppose I'm just a romantic idealist in my hopes to get all my friends under the same roof having a great time. Oh, and I shoulda wrote that history paper sunday...definately got three hours of sleep on thursday night because I was writing it. Haha!

Posted by Viper37 at 12:37 PM | Comments (0)

May 15, 2004

Prom, part 1...

So far, today has been excellent. 7 hours of sleep, a rugby game (which "we" won), a soccergame (which "we" also won...and my cheering supposedly helped. Go me.), a trip to BK, and home to clean up and whatnot. Thanks to rach and mikee for makin the mornin awesome...hopefully the rest of the day will follow in the same note.

Pickin up mary round five, down to harborside by six, dance by 8ish, ken's by 12, home...sometime? Who knows.

All in all...today has/is going to rock.

Posted by Viper37 at 03:41 PM | Comments (0)

May 10, 2004

A good day...

Wow. Today went from starting out terribly (not being able to turn in my junior paper early >_<) to truely awesome. I went to two classes, study for the AP test, took it (and presumably did well), and then helped make videos for prom. Then I had reherals and a meeting with father O. Then a trip to KFC with scotty and Knights. Knights was great...it further helped by giving me the resovle to do something I've been needing to do for a while. Then, God provided the opportunity to do just that. Finally apologized to a friend whom I had inadvertantly wronged a while ago. It feels...really good. Didn't realize how much of my stress was actually just worrying about that. Yeah Jessie...I shoulda listened to you long ago. But I finally did, and its great! ^ ^

With my haircut...its not really me. Its a cross between Studious Jock John and Laidback Hippy-wannabe John. Not sure how well it works, but my mom thinks its cute. I'm gonna cut it shorter after the play, and maybe shave it over the summer. Depends on how I feel.

A Walk To Remember touched me mostly because it addressed things I've worried about lately. And I could, kinda, see myself in the guy's position. If I lost a friend...wow. That would hurt. I only hope I could be there for them like he was.

Lyrics:

I'm a fing samurai, from the dark side, eating fried rice, but I lie:
I'm not Bruce Lee, I'm not Chinese, I'm watching TV, and I'm freee...

Long Live Handsome Devil.

Posted by Viper37 at 11:25 PM | Comments (0)

May 09, 2004

Junior Paper: pt 2

Weeeelll...I'm turning it in friday. Basically I hate the current draft. And staying up later isn't an option. AP test tomorrow and all. *sigh* One day, I won't procrastinate.

Got my hair cut today...its different. Please voice your opinion when you see me...my hair is a continual work in progress. Maybe someday I'll find a cut I can stick with and love. That said, this seems nice...still feels soft, but its shorter and looks kinda like I actually take care of it once in a while. Maybe.

A Walk To Remember made me cry. Just a little bit, and mostly on the inside, but I think one tear was shed. Kinda like when I listen to Konstantine. I can say that without shame...it was a heart-wrenching movie. (and that song is too powerful to begin with...add in memories and all that, and you have one potent melody) I don't think it quite counts as a chick flick. Regardless, I still love it.

The "Hell Week" is persisting till friday, it seems...I'd hoped that wouldn't happen, but now it will. Pity me.

Song lyrics...don't have any for tonight. Just go listen to the Walk to Remember OST. Surprisingly good songs on there, and I suddenly enjoy Mandy's singing. I may be a heretic...but she can sing.

Nighty night.

Posted by Viper37 at 09:37 PM | Comments (2)

Junior Paper

Yeah, its that time finally. Supposedly I worked on it all day, but I took time off for physics and some history reading, not to mention mass and taking my mom out to dinner. And the Usual Suspects. I figure few more hours tomorrow morning and some finishing work tomorrow night. Should be at starbucks at murry/scholls tomorrow with Dr. G. for all those interested in studying el physics.

Life...life is good, but confusing. Not really sure what's going on, though I'm not overly concerned about it. There are still some big things I need to figure out and I hate that I don't have time to do the figuring. I mean, paper this weekend and AP test, tests on tuesday and the outline is due for hist, then more tests, a track meet, a meeting with Harvard, and another test, then finally friday. Free time, right? Wrong...my time is spoken for. Rehersal all next week, coffeehouse friday, prom saturday, sleep/recovery sunday. And a french movie needs to be filmed in there too. Then, weekend after that, the play opens. So...maybe the weekend after the play I'll have time to think again. Heh. Finals are in there too, somewhere. Man. Just one free night...I'm gonna try and make time for thinking. And conversation.
Some people I'm close to aren't getting along still, and I hate it. But what can you do, right? People are people, you have to let them be and do what they want, who they want. Can't force change. I really learned that this year...no matter how much you try, how much you wish, how much you work at it, you can't force someone to change. Even when they want to change, you can't force it. Change needs to happen slowly, over time. And it rarely is caused by a deliberate effort. However, I think I've done some good. One friend is remarably different since I've known them. No longer insecure, worried...no longer depressed, I don't think. I like to think I had something to do with that. Others, who didn't need to change, are still doing well. I like that. Some people, though...I don't know what to do. I mean, there's times I just don't know how to help, or even if I should. Some people seem to be so set in their ways that they would hate you if you managed to change them. And its not really my right. But still...you have to try. Constantly, strive to accomplish good.

I was initiated as a Eucharistic Minister the other day. It felt...good. At the start, I felt kinda sad...I kept looking up at some of my friends sitting in the seats right across from me. I wanted to be up there too. Stupid, I know...just last year I was confident I wouldn't rather be anywhere at this mass than on the floor, in those chairs. Can't have everything. There was one moment, when 90% of my fellow Junior EM's went up to begin serving, that I did feel kinda lonely. Cole went to hug his grandparents (I think) and all the other EM's were away. I sat down, and seroiusly, I was the only one sitting there. Felt incredibly awkward...like I should move to the back of the section of chairs or something. Rach, however, saved the moment and came to join me in my solitary sitting. Thank God for friends...though I think she felt more awkward then me...sitting in the EM section while not an EM. Moment passed, though, when Colio and some other non-serving EM's returned and sat down around me. Spent the rest of mass making paper airplanes, teasing Rach, and commenting on the scandalous length of the underclassmen girls' skirts. Good times.

I've been thinking a lot lately. That's why it bugs me so much that I don't really have time to think. When I'm tired, or preoccupied, or working on something else, I can't really think. Those brilliant moments I have come to cherish, insights into the nature of man and whatnot, only seem to come when I'm truely at peace and able to concentrate on an issue fully. Summer, I think, could heal all my problems. Time again...glorious time.
Jessie can't go to prom, and this saddens me. She's a truely uplifting person, one I enjoy being around. There are a few people who posess the ability to make me forget whatevers bothering me in the back of my mind...surprisingly, she seems to be one of them. (How can you worry about something when there's someone so...alive around? I challenge you to sit with Jessie for 5 mintues and not smile. Or giggle.) Despite this prom setback, however, the evening should be fun. Scouted out the locals today and figured where I'll be parking. Considering renting a horse thingy if the weathers nice and I can find someone to gimme a lift back to my car....I like horses.
Coffeehouse, as I said, is coming up on friday. From the sounds of it, it will be almost, but not quite, as good as the last one. Though in all honesty, not much could compare to the last coffeehouse in terms of my enjoyment. Its not every day you get a year's anticipation fullfilled and a song dedicated to you. Thanks again! ;D
Anyone who doesn't have tickets yet for the Playwriting festival, get them. Otherwise, I might have to come around and rearrange your face. Or something like that. Still not a good tough guy, but Jen and Scotty think they can change that. I'm hopin so.

I have a lot of questions these days. And quite a few realizations. But that's a subject for another time...its 1 AM and I need to get up by about 9 tomorrow if I'm gonna have a decent draft of this paper in time to let my dad edit it while I talk with the Doc. Night all.

Lyrics for contempation while I sleep:

t Least We're Dreaming - Eve 6


When do we get to the part where I can go home,
been hiding inside the jungle gym for way too long
wiatin for someone to come along and find me
live in an apartment that bums me out
it donít get better when the lights go out
wiatin for someone to come along and find me
swimin through the isles at the grocery store
I donít even know what im lookin for
wiatin for someone to come along and find me

at least im breathin
at least im alive
as long as im dreamin
everythings gonna be alright

to the corner to call collect
your mother wants to know are you happy yet
wiatin for someone to come along and find you
goin out at night lookin for distractions
sleepin through the day theres no redemption
wiatin for someone to come along and find you

at least im breathin
at least im alive
as long as im dreamin
everythings gonna be alright

im alright, I tell myself twice
in the mirror before I cant go to sleep at night
I need a lullaby I need some time
I need to get a dime bag from my guy [x2]

at least im breathin
at least im alive
as long as im dreamin
everythings gonna be alright

im alright, I tell myself twice
in the mirror before I cant go to sleep at night
I need a lullaby I need some time
I need to get a dime bag from my guy [x2]

"All Of This" - Blink 182

With all of this I know now
Everything inside of my head
It all just goes to show how
Nothing I know changes me at all
Again I wait for this to change instead
To tear the world in two
Another night

"Here's Your Letter" - Blink 182

Here's a letter for you
But the words get confused
And the conversation dies
Apologize for the past
Talk some shit take it back
Are we cursed to this life
I can't let this kill me, let go
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this

I'm talking to the ceiling
My life just lost all meaning
Do one thing for me tonight
I'm dying in this silence

The last star left in heaven
Is falling down to earth and
Do you still feel the same way
Do you still feel the same way...?


I hope I won't forget you...

Posted by Viper37 at 01:08 AM | Comments (0)

May 02, 2004

SAT's and the auction

Today, surprisingly, was a good day. Started off at 6:30 when I woke up to get ready for my SAT's. Tagged along with my mom to starbucks to get some coffee before I headed out to sunset for the test. Got there fairly early and ended up in the same group as ken (yay for me!). Most interesting parts of the test were when a girl had to go to the bathroom bad enough that she sprinted all the way there and back DURING the test and when the bee flew into the room. I didn't notice it until some girl cracked up laughing. It got bad enough the proctor stopped the test and decided to try and "take care of it". As soon as he approached on a desk, the bee literally suffered a heart attack or something. It dropped straight down, falling into a light, and twiched for a while before ceasing to move. Quite humourous.

Afterwards, kenny had me and some others over for pizza, which was great. Then scotty and I headed for rehersals (in separate cars) and declared an unofficial race. I woulda won...except for this other dude who rolled his car and blocked off the entire road. I ended up lost on skyline and was like 20 minutes late, despite never going below 50 (cept at stoplights).

Then, I came home for a quick bite 'fore heading back to the auction. Luckily, I was smart enough to wear shorts so I didn't die of heat. For 9/10's of the auction, I sat/stood around drinking pepsi to stay away. For the other 10 percent, I moved stuff around and laughed at drunken people. Drunks really are fun, until they get behind the wheel. Rachel, Scotty, Alex, and I crashed at CJ's until they kicked us out, which was awesome. I definitively established that girl's deoderant smells different than guys, and moreso, it smells work. Viva Old Spice!

Basically...today was great. Which amazed me. Who knows, maybe tomorrow will turn out the same. One can hope.

Now some more or less random thoughts that have occured to me lately. Maybe all girls aren't technically bi, but they're VERY friendly with each other. I call that bi. :P Friends are truely the most valuable thing in the world. You can't buy them or sell them, you can't even really "have' them, because its a choice, not a possesive type thing. But still, these little choices mean so much. I cannot thank you all enough for the countless hours in conversation...it seems so oridary, mundane, some perhaps consider it a waste of time, but I think the hours I have spent talking, or even just being, with friends (and family, I suppose) are the most valuable of my life. (to clarify, the difference with family is that it seems there is less of a choice their...they're obligated to like you.) Another thing: no matter how much you may think you dislike someone, or in this case, consider them an insincere drama queen, a single act can reshape your views. Today, I had two (well, more, but two important) conversations with Avital (spelling...?). After the first, I still considered her the same as I had before: a nice person, perhaps, but one who seemed very fake. In the second, I realized she is very human, and not at all fake. Its quite scary, in fact...she honestally is as nice and kind and loving as she's always acting like. A part of me feels terrible for having misjudged her all year, while another part wonders if all people are kind of like this. Do we only see the traits in people we want to see? Do we ignore some critical aspects when we chose to love or hate someone? I've tried evaluating this, but I cannot reach a conclusion. Sure, there are some things I overlook in friends, but they're all pretty small things. I accept them for who they are, and that's that. Those people I don't like, however, are ones whom I know slightly: enough to dislike something about them and not enough to know all about them and choose to overlook what I dislike. The logical conclusion is that you should just get to know everyone you dislike...but someone, I'm certain there are some people I still won't like. This matter will require further thought.

I also suppose now would be a good time for self reflection, since I'm tired enough to think of myself as I would anyone else. A fair bit of what I do seems to be aimed at obtaining reactions from people. I will make a completely unfounded claim that I don't in the least believe, and then scramble for evidence to back it up just to continue disagreeing with someone. It seems to greatly frustrate some people but tends to lead me to greater understanding. Many people seem to consider me a nice guy, and I wonder about that. I mean...I don't think I'm downright evil or anything. But am I really nice? Dictionary defines it as both "likeable" and "considerate". I suppose the first is completely subjective. The second, however, is more interesting. I am not really a considerate person. Sure, at times, I'll pay attention to the feelings of others around me, and if they're close to me (or rather, I to them) I'll take steps to ensure they are doing ok. Heck, I'll even run to my car to fetch painkiller for a good friend instead of doing work. Or give someone a ride to their car (or home) when its way out of my way. But there are far more people that I ignore everyday than that I help or care about. Many, or most, of these are people I don't know that well or at all and therefor have no reason to be concerned with. A nice person, however, would care, I think. Furthermore, there are some of these people who call me a friend, yet I definately do not consider them more than an aquantince. You're all entitled to your own opinions, of course, but I don't think I'll think of myself as nice until I stop being selfish and hateful at times. :D

Friendship itself is an interesting relationship. It's used as a blanket to cover all kinds of things, some radically different. I kinda picture degrees of friendship. At the bottom are people you know, but not well...aquantinces. Next, are people you know better, perhaps hang out with, but aren't really close with. They don't know a whole lot about you and you don't know much about them. Next is the "good friend", where you know and trust each other a lot more and often spend a lot of time together. Finally, there is the "best" friend. I need to think of a better term for this, because best is misleading. There is no one "best friend, or at least, not normally. Perhaps there is, but I don't really want to degrade my relationships with other "best" friends by qualifying best. Regardless, these are your true friends, the ones you trust implicitly, who you go to for advice, who's house you can crash and cars you live in, who will always be there for you. (or at least, that's what we tell ourselves.) But yet, all these are just called "friends" most of the time. Impossible to tell which kind without observing interations between a person and their friends.

Alright, that's enough...I need sleep.

I leave you with the vision of me belting out some queen:
"I want to ride my bicycle I want to ride my bike! Bicycle, bicylce!!"

Posted by Viper37 at 12:41 AM | Comments (0)