That's the only way I can describe myself right now. At peace. Seriously...I'm totally relaxed. Can't think of a reason why, I just am. And I like it.
I lifted again today, as always. I awoke to the blaring noise of my evil alarm every day this week, dragged myself under some cold water, and STILL ended up a good 10 minutes late every day. I even tried moving my alarm back 20 minutes, to no avail. Cursed am I, it appears. The 6 week rocks and sucks at the same time...its the heaviest lifting I've done in 2 years, concentrated to force me to hurt, and I love it. But I hurt. Enough said.
Played three games of chess today and somehow pulled out three wins. This is almost scary. Winning at chess reenforces my need to join the chess team next year, something I prolly won't have time for. And I really am a bad player...I've just been getting lucky. That, or they're letting me win. Maybe the latter. Darn chess people who are so much better than I.
I got incredibly pissed at myself this afternoon, though. I was driving to Joe's place for what turned out to be an awesome get-together, and I WROTE DOWN THE WRONG STREET NAME! I spent 30 minutes driving around on the wrong road, 2 miles from where I shoulda been. But it gets better. Suddenly, I realize the car is on empty. Not "near empty" or something, but flat out empty. In terror, I throw it to neutral and begin coasting the 10 miles back to the nearest chevron. Then I gas up, call joe, and get to his place in 10 minutes. Weirdest part...the gauge was wrong. I still had 1/16th of a tank yet, all the hills must have thrown it off or something. The fear was nice, though.
This was the first "party" in which the majority of the time was devoted to friendly discussion and debate. A rare things these days.
A huge welcome home to the 2004 Plungers! The legacy continues.
Go listen to some Alkaline Trio...I need to crash now. Laters.
I meant to make several separate entries over the last few days, but every time I typed one up I'd get distracted and ended up quiting the browser before actually posting it. This will have to cover for all of them, I guess.
Monday, I decided to defrag my harddrives for the first time in about 6 months. In the middle of this delicate process, my dog apparently jumped the surge protector, cutting power to my computer midoperation. When I found it sometime later, the primary boot drive had been corrupted and it appeared that I was royally screwed. Many minutes of loud cursing, wall punching, and blank stares later, I began the ardorous process of repairing the disk. Whether through skill or a great deal of luck, I successfully convinced the computer to mount the boot volume and allow me to duplicate it onto another internal drive. My best efforts, though, could not repair the corrupted boot files...meaning the OS had to be reinstalled and the disk completely wiped. 8 hours of painful installs later, my baby once again appears to be working normally. I still need to wipe my second internal HD of all the files I copied over to it, but that can wait until this weekend.
The problem with all of this is that I was supposed to update VS last weekend and held off till monday afternoon because I was tired. now the update will take until at least this weekend because I have to sort through all my files and find the multiple pieces that were supposed to go up. That will be fun, I assure you.
In happier news, though, capture the flag really rocks. Yesterday, Amir invited me (and a ton of awesome drama dudes and dudettes) over to watch Spitfire Grill and hang out. Surpisingly good film. After, we watched Mystic River (my third time seeing it). I had to book it from Amir's to make it to the impromtu (to me, anyways) game of capture-the-bucket-that-is-almost-shattered-because-John-dropkicked-it-after-Rachel-gave-him sugar (capture the FLAG to those of you who aren't familiar with it). Averaged a good 65+ the whole way, even though I did go the roundabout way. I thought it was rather amusing how messed up my head was. See, I don't really think about where I'm driving...I just drive. I ended up driving directly past, or at least close two, both of Karolyn's parents house, Karo's old house, Caite's house, that starbucks I crashed at morning after prom, and finally Ken's. If you can't track that, I basically made a huge circle around Ken's house after forgetting which streets went through to where. He was in the middle of Zoolander when I arrived (great film, btw) and after the typical conversations about various people's hindquarters, tan lines, sun burns, and who smelled better than who (alright, I was the only one bringing up that last one...Maggie's shampoo/lotion/perfume? smells a hell of a lot better than Ken's...not to mention the smell of still-slightly-sweaty-from-running John. Capture the flag lasted several hours...I cannot possibly relate the fun/interesting/scary events in detail, but I shall attempt a brief summery for posterity's sake: (note: my interesting events differ slightly from anyone else's because I'm me...different things entertain me, after all.)
1. Rachel gave me some sugar, causing the typical sugar rush, resulting in me shattering a bucket and booting several balls across the field before attempting to tackle various people and knock over a tree (Ken stopped me on this last one).
2. Our team was the "Dead Weeds". Enough said.
3. Ken learned the best way to distract the ladies on our team (Misha and Rachel) was to dive on top of them or pull them on top of him. Enough said.
4. Rachel (mostly...I wasn't actually IN the street like her, just very close to it) scared the flaming shit outta a dude in a roadster. He squealed to a stop and didn't even have the energy to flip us off. I waved and smiled and he drove off, but Rachel was convinced he'd return to chew her out. (Instead, Kenny's parents gave us a polite talking to on road saftey and instituted "commando style" rules).
5. Got my wait lifting for the night in by giving Rachel piggy-back rides everywhere and putting Misha in a fireman's carry. Surpisingly more awkward than it sounds, if possible.
6. Volunteered to take a hit for the team and serve as the "Fat Half-Naked Dancing Distraction". Rachel was the backup (and probably prefered choice, except that a fat man running at you will cause you to run away, while a seemingly-nude girl will normally cause you to keep running at her). Best moment, though, was right when Cynda was about to tag me, I screamed "I'm SO naked right now!" and she freaked and went the other way. It was dark enough that my khakis blended in with my slightly-tan figure and gave the illusion I had doffed both shirt and shorts. A quite scary image, I assure you. Saddly, mikee saw through my guise and still tagged me.
7. Spent the next half hour (aka, the "best part of the game") discussing random topics with Rachel and Cynda while waiting to be saved, then "escorted" mikee inside for a drink and snacks. We supposedly "ruined it" right there, but I had fun. :D
I also determined Wednesday that the new computer dude (Steve) rocks and that I'm not a complete and total asshole/jerk/annoyance/etc. It's surprising how good it feels to have someone else forgive you without actually saying anything and without you ever acknowledging you need the forgiveness in the first place. I also have been continuing the Spiritual Exercizes program and through some meditations associated with it figured out the "source" of my recent issues.
Normally, I really don't care what other people think. Sure, I don't appreciate someone walking up to me in the hall and yelling that they hate my guts, but that sorta thing doesn't bother me much. Likewise, I don't think much of it when some random person doesn't wanna talk to me or some such. It really just isn't something that effects me. Consider it the after-effects of being completely antisocial in middleschool. However, as I have said before, there is a select few people that I care about deeply and that can truly effect me. If they so much as get irritated with me, I feel kinda bad. When they get royally pissed, I'm definately an unhappy camper. Ironically, though, this very rarely happens and when it does it quickly blows over. Despite this, though, there is a nagging fear that I don't normally acknowledge that I will somehow lose one of these people that I'm close to. Normally, this fear has no real effect on me either (except when they get pissed, I suppose). However, one person once warned me in jest that they might just hate me one day or something. Since then, I've at times let paranoia overrule my normal instincts and emotions. I KNOW this person cares about me, they've said so many times. And I really do trust them. Problem is, paranoia and small actions that are easily misinterpeted lead to a most unhappy John. I think I'm over that now, though...or at the least, I've let go of it. If I'm going lose a friend, that's what's going to happen...being worried about it won't help. In fact, it just hurts by causing the friend to doubt whether I really trust them or care about them. When I realized this, I began feeling really stupid...talk about self-fulfilling prophecies. Hopefully, though, recongnizing the problem will be enough to chop it off at the roots.
Everyone, and I mean literally everyone, is leaving this weekend for about a week. Los Embaradories (yeah, I don't speak spanish...sue me), the Plunge, the Nebraska Trip, people going to Europe...its seriously all next week. Practically every one of my non-football playing amigos will be gone...that could make it a very long week. Does mean there are plenty of welcome-back parties to look foreward too, though. If you're one of the people who are staying in town next week and wanna do something, feel free to call me. I should be much more availible then then I have been recently. My new pet peeve, though: people who call and don't leave a message. Honestally, if you're gonna take the time to dial and listen to the rings, leave me a short explaintory note. Otherwise when I see the "Missed Call" I assume my phone's been acting up...its been doing that lately, reporting calls a good week after they were missed. Doesn't do much good then, now does it? I can't guarentee I'll get the message in a timely fashion either, but if you leave a date and time I will get it sometime and will call you back. ;D
I'll probably have some more to say later tonight after the Mass...for now, I got more comp stuff to do.
Song du Jour:
"Somewhere on Fullerton" - Allister
Perhaps not finally, but that doesn't change the fact that I am. I know how I feel, and even some of the why that I feel it, but I can't express it to anyone else. Annoying.
Have you ever longed for just one honest moment with someone? One second where you know everything they say they beleive, where there are no verbal dodges, where you can finally get those few pressing questions answered and then, maybe, find the peace you've been looking for for as long as you can remember?
And why can't people maintain eye contact? Why is it always devolve into a staring contest? So many questions...but maybe that's because I'm afraid of the answers...
Sunday Drive - The Early November
And we wait above a road.
We're turning to go home.
And the silence from the side of the car
tells me everything and how we are.
'Cause there's no more trying to make this so right,
There's no more trying tonight.
{Chorus}
And you know it's not so easy when you're all alone.
And I wonder if I'm alone in your head.
I know something is wrong, I just dont know what to do.
You say it's only me and that I'm so perfect for you.
I don't want to try no more, I dont want to make this right.
I just want you to be true to me, one time.
{Chorus}
And you know it's not so easy when you're all alone.
And I wonder if I'm alone in your head.
Twelve weeks gone by since I have saw you last.
I'll give this one more try, I'll give it all my best.
And I'll ask "What could you be doing that is so much fun
without me by your side, without me by your side?"
And I'll take a step back, and I'll let you ahead.
And I will take a step away and see if you come back.
Because there's no more trying to make this so right,
there's no more trying, there's no more trying tonight.
We will never be the same.
We will never be the same until you're done....
"When I was walking up the stairs,
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again to day;
I wish, I wish, he'd go away..."
Today is an almost perfect example of how I want my summer to go. Got up around 7, lifted till about 11, took the max downtown avec ma petite amie (not what you think, Nolan, just a joking nickname :D) and spent the next 8ish hours shopping and talking. More talking than shopping, actually. Was definately a good time. Worked out several issues that have been bouncing around inside my head, too. Talk helps.
Trust has been a problem for me lately. There is a small group of people that I trust an incredible amount. There is another, bigger, group of people that I trust a great deal, and more that I just plain trust. My problems originate from how I put trust in people. That small group that I trust the most I literally would trust with my life. There are very, very few secrets I keep from them...sure, I don't tell them everything about myself but I wouldn't hide most things if they really wanted to know. Clearly, if I have misjudged one of these people and they are not really trustworthy to me, I would be in a world of pain. Problems arise from this...although I have yet to stop trusting any of them for an instant, I sometimes doubt the wisdom of this approach. At the same time I trust them, I respect them more than any other people my age...and far more than I do most adults. These friends serve not only as confidents and companions in life, but as role models, people possessing some inate goodness that I strive to live up to. Being human, these people are far from perfect. Being human, I sometimes latch on to a fault and have a great deal of trouble overcoming that. The closest example I can come to is the Virgin Mary. Ask any devout Catholic and they will reply there is no question in their mind Mary was and always will be a virgin. They need that something perfect to hold on to. Were they ever to be presented with irrefutable fact that Mary was not, in fact, perfect, they would need to shift their paradigm of her or would abandon her out of depression and disapointment (hopefully the former). It wouldn't be Mary's fault, it would be theirs for building her up into something she wasn't. (note: I fully beleive in the Virgin Birth. I honestly don't mind if Mary later had relations with her husband, I don't beleive she did but it wouldn't shatter my faith if she had.) I really, really want to see a few people as perfect. As time has gone on, I've matured and begun accepting their faults and learned to deal with them. Despite this, there are a few things that, were they to happen/be revealed to me, I would find it almost impossible to accept. I was worried one of these things might have come to light earlier this week. It was only after intense meditation that I realized: a) even if the fault were true, it was no big deal if it went no further than that b) there was no real reason to doubt my friend c) the matter would be easy to resolve, given time. Time has past and I consider it resolved; all is once again right in my little world here. And I love it.
My mind is really split in parts, though...which can be a problem. I'm gonna try and describe this without convincing you all I'm certifiable and fail miserably at both the explaining and the convincing. :D
One "personality" of mine is cold and logical and reasonable. This part doesn't really feel emotion at all. It is almost always "on" to some extent...its what allows me to get through school, to think and reason and do math, etc. A great many of my decisions come from here. Another, deeper and "more powerful" persona also exsists, though. This one is incredibly emotional. Incredibly. It loves, needs to be loved, hates, grows angry, gets depressed, feels joy, etc. Normally it is rather latent...ie, those people I love, I always love, but I didn't normally need to express it all the time. Think back to frosh year if you knew me then...I went through life with very few emotions. It allowed me to make good logical decisions all the time and kept me out of trouble, but life wasn't really fun. Since then, its become more and more "powerful". Its now much easier for me to "lose my head" in an emotional moment, or get swept away. This is the part of me I've always feared. This is the part that takes control when I get angry. This part breaks things. But at the same time, this part loves. As a result of it playing more and more of a role in my life, I've really learned to love again, and in powerful and different ways. There are a few people, family and friends, that I would seriously die to protect. In a completely irrational way, too. I also, apparently, would sacrafice just about anything for them. This also is kinda scary. And no, I don't really mean romantic love...luckily for me, that part has been far milder than the rest. Its an almost familial (did I just make that up? in an "family sort of way) attachement, similar to what I feel for my sister but different. IE, I do stupid things for my sister and do stupid things to my sister, but no matter what, if someone did ANYTHING to hurt her, I'd extract the same from them. With each person, this is different. I do not find my sister attractive...yeah, she's cute, but she's my sister. Some of the people I love I do find incredibly attractive. That makes things more interesting, I guess. Others, obviously, I do not find at all attractive. In most cases of those whom are attractive, I manage to overlook it and just get on with things. In combination, though, I've always had deep feelings of protectiveness towards females I care about. Those of you who have, intentionally or not, seriously bashed one of these females have probably seen this. When the female in question is also one I find attractive, and the attack is one against her honor...I get really pissed. Be warned. >_<
The problem here, and related to the stuff about trust above, is when two of these people come into conflict. When two of them are directly fighting, I try as hard as I can to not take sides but am normally drawn towards the camp of whichever I care about more. Regardless, after a year and a half, I've gotten pretty good at managing such circumstances. When one friend forces me to questiong another's motives or trustworthyness, either directly or indirectly, I start having a minor mental breakdown or something. This is where the meditation came in...God helped me to clear my thoughts and get everything put back into its place. The unreasonable emotional side gets too caught up in little things sometimes and forgets how ultimately unimportant they are. Today's conversations and actions reminded me quite clearly what really matters.
I also have other "personas" or parts of me that conflict against one another at times, but none of them are as powerful as the emotional and reasonable sides. As I have learned lately, it is only through a balance of all of these that I can be the person I really want to be...straying towards any extreme doesn't do good things for me.
Another way of looking at the split in my mind, though, is the religious side and non-religious side. All my life I've lived sorta in tandem...at the same time being absolutely confident in God's presence with me and also attempting to do everything myself, without help. Generally I'm at my most prayerful when there's a problem. I used to always ask God to help others, normally in specific ways, and then as a little end note also add "oh, and help me to be a better person too...I don't think I can do it on my own." The next morning, I would go about life as usual, not really asking God for anything and only thanking Him for Big Things, etc. Knights and the Encounter have changed this, though. More and more, I realzie how much God is willing and wants to help me in daily life. I honestally have no idea WHY He wants and is willing to do this...I certainly don't deserve it, but He does. With that in mind, I've begun asking him to help me deal with more and more things, and I try every day to let go of somethings and place them in His hands. (thank you so much Jessie for helping demonstrate how to do this...I don't know if you even realized I've been trying to model some of my prayer off of you, but its done good things for me! ^ ^) Amazingly, those problems that I give to Him have a way of working out quickly and in a way I would think impossible. I still use this as more of a "last resort", or measure to take when I honestally can't cope with a feeling or problem, but I'm getting better at doing it more often. I still approach parts of life from the base, and almost subconcious, idea that I'm alone in them, though. I finally gave in and asked God to start using a certain something of meaning to me as signs for when I'm doing ok and when I'm straying...I definately consider it to be working because while the particular sign is not always there when I'm doing good and occasionally crops up when I think I'm not, it overwhelmingly has been. And this gives me strength. God is very real and very loving...I truly hope those of you who haven't found Him or have choosen to attempt to get by without Him (much like I did for far too long) to keep looking. He is there, I promise you...even in the worst day of your life, you'll find His hand.
Wow, that got kinda preachy and I completely forgot what I was trying to say there. Ah well, as usual I've cleared out my system of this madhouse of thoughts. Before you ask, I probably will not explain the topmost part of this any further. That issue is done and delt with and I do not expect it to crop up again. Feel free to ask about my strange mental state or view on God...I actually would happily encourage the latter, so long as you are constructively questioning.
To those to whom I can never say it enough: I LOVE YOU! Know that when I say that, even if I mispell it, I truly mean it. My life would not be as awesome as it is without you...in fact, it would probably suck without you. (to One, I told you I'd be happier knowing the truth than living a lie...after a ton of thought, I realized something that I now realize was obvious to you: it doesn't matter. The memories are made, I've been changed. The only things lies or truth effect are the future...because I honestly beleive that in the moments up to now, you were truthful. I'll prolly forget to say it to your face but...thanks for everything. Even the pain. It was more than worth it...and yeah, I still love you too. ;D But you knew that, didn't you?) While I cannot explain what exactly "love" means to me...it means a lot. You are the most amazing people in the world to me...I can never thank you enough.
To those whom I rarely say it: I also love you. It may not be in the same way as I do others, but that is because I just don't know you in the same way. The more you know someone, the more you can love them. (absolute knoweledge yields absolute empathy and absolute love...God being the epitome of this). Know that despite how I may act to you, I really do care for you and your friendship. Thank you aswell...and I look forward to getting to know you better.
yeah...I'm feeling extremely relaxed (and emotional...weird) right now, hence everything above. Its from the heart, though, and therefor seems to be the right things to say.
Take care y'all...I look forward to seeing you a ton this summer! (or trying to, at least :D)
Music du Jour: that crows mix rachel burned for me like...6 months ago. Every time I listen to it I get lost in it...the crows rock.
FINALLY! Freedom, or something like it. For all intents and purposes, yesterday rocked. Both finals were easier than I thought they'd be, went and saw hp3 and didn't hate it (the new director rocks), went to Proof and ended up pushing and pulling a house and sleeping inbetween. And that freaky light. Yeah, that was fun. Kept up the tradition of damage by working with toffler when the house hit the scrim and being at the table at red robin's when he busted a pepper shaker.
Watching bubba-ho-tep today, maybe doing some shopping, and then working at proof again. As always, you're welcome to call the cell if you wanna join, no guarentees I'll have the ringer on, though.
Sounds like there are decent odds Jessie will be coming to JHS next year, which really rocks, and for the first time at this school I ACTUALLY GOT THE SCHEDULE I WANTED! Well, all the classes, and seemingly most of the teachers. Yet to be seen if everything fully works out, but hogan said it should.
You can never go back to the past, nor make a plausible attempt at shaping the present in its image. I have a hard time accepting that, but I guess all times are good for their own uniqueness. To those of you who have changed too much, I'm sorry, I'll miss you. I'm still gonna cling to my box, at least until it becomes unpleasant here. :D
Songs du Jour: Hey Leonardo - Blessed Union of Souls
Adam's Song - Blink 182