Vipey's Den

Sunlight and cops....

A strange combination. Nevertheless, those are the first two things to really register this morning.
Its very bright outside. Black is a bad color to wear.
A police officer payed a visit to talk with me dad about the break-ins to my car. I swear...if they don't catch 'em, I'll gather that posse. Throwing a man's owner's manual and insurance papers into a bush is just a slap in the face.

I'm in love with the library now. Think...all the cd's I want, free. Its amazing. And legal. Well, mostly. Which is good.

Show tonight, then maybe edlen's or something, we'll see. My sis is leaving for somewhere for the next week so I have freedom again. But I've been strangely tired...12+ hours of sleep per day. Its crazy. I think I'm trying to get ready for football.

Oh, and I have Rent tickets at last!! Close to the front and in the center, no less. Week from thursday. It will be sweet.

"Naked Baby Pictures" has gotten me completely hooked on Ben Folds again. The man is brilliant.

Closing night tonight...hopefully we'll get it right. :D

Football Starts on Monday...

...that's really all that matters right now. Well, that's not true. That's all I want to think about, all that keeps crossing my mind, and all that keeps me going.

Today, I got up around 2. (You jokingly said I have no life...its quite true at the moment.) Lazed around the house, watched some news, made a pizza, then headed to the library and tech. Tonight was just weird. Scotty and I agreed we should just go off the cues he gets from Ryan...we can't hear dialoge back stage so any attempt to cue the crew myself would be hopeless. This plan goes to hell, though, when Ryan messes up his cues. Or when Scotty mishears Ryan. Or when I have the wrong people on standby.
Pat and I DID fly in the greenhouse pefectly, though...absolutely no swaying. It was simply beautiful.
But all of that doesn't concern me in the slightest. Even more than last night, I just don't care.

I'm tired of being flipped off, glared at, abused, and generally made to feel unwelcome. Literally tired...not like I feel sick of it, just that I now have no energy and no enthusiasm. I honestally feel no excitement of any kind over going to tech tomorrow...sure, the show is fun, but only when I'm absorbed in the show.
On the way to the show today, a woman slammed on her brakes for no reason and I almost rear ended her. She promptly sped up, but flipped me off in the process. I had a moment of...I don't know what. The last 12 months or so flashed before my eyes. Not the entire span, just events of a certain type. First were all the interactions I can recall with my parents. Then were those with a few special people.
At the end of this (my sister brought me out of it by repeatedly asking if I would change cd's) I realized some somethings.
1) I really am an asshole sometimes. Normally, this is only to my parents. I don't get it, they just manage to anger me a great deal...most people can't do that. I think its actually more I somehow let myself get angry with them. Not a good thing to do.
2) A person I care about really doesn't give a damn about me. I had to think about this one more durning the show, but I'm fairly confident about it now. Reasoning? They have continually showed great disregard for me and how I might take things. I used to think this was just because they thought I was fine or something, but lately, the've also been jumping on me continually. There is NO ONE else they treat in a similar fashion, except one person they have sworn they hate. Despise. Would gladly toss out of their life if possible.
Yeah. I don't mean to make them sound like a bad person...they aren't. They're great, they've just made a choice and are sticking to it. Sadly for me, that choice doesn't seem to include continuing our friendship to any great degree.
What will I do about it? Absolutely nothing. Its not that I don't care...because it hurts really bad. Or it did. Its that I'm numb to it. And there's nothing to do. I've never forced my friendship on anyone, in fact, just the opposite. I'm usually slow to extend trust and friendship to someone. Its even harder to take it back.
3) I drive too recklessly. I'll work on changing that.

Whatever, though. None of that is really important to me. FOOTBALL!
I can't explain the joy I feel when I think about it now. Many hours a day spent kicking the shit outta other people and having the shit kicked outta me. No stupid mind games, no one chewing me out for their mistakes, physical pain that can be overcome instead of the pure mental anguish that can't. Sure, its gonna hurt. A lot. But I can't wait! Even if you were to tell me today that I'm going to break my leg on the first day of practice and won't be able to play all season, I'd still be excited and still go out there and hit, without a second thought to the potential consequences.
Comradre, glory, excerise, work ethic, leadership...these are all reasons to play. The biggest, though?

Escape from life.

Music du soir: Stupid Kid - Alkaline Trio.

Mmm, sleep.

Yeah, almost 11 hours of it is reallllyyy nice. Maybe now I'll be awake for a change. Who knows.

Opening Night...

...and a completely flawless fly performance.

Ok, I exaggerate. No CUES were missed, which was truely amazing. I mean, Music Man had the best fly crew I've ever seen assembled, led by a far better captain than I, had rehersed for countless hours, and had all the cues fully worked out, and we still missed one or two opening night. (MM was much more complicated, though...in SG, we never have more than two cues at once.)
The only errors in the crew that were noticed were me not cueing the ladder at the right time (which wasn't something I did wrong, just something to get better at) and me flying the greenhouse in late and fast (after getting confused by scott's cue and rushing to overcompensate.) Notice a trend there?

Yup, I'm the only fly person who messed up. :D This makes me extremely happy and is what I hoped for...well, hoped for other than a completely perfect run, which I knew was almost impossible. My crew, though, is excellent. So long as they're cued, they do it right. This is what I wanted. I fully acknowledge my own extreme potential for mistakes, hence my accpetance of those errors I caused. They (probably) won't happen again.

Its rather weird...with MM, I had almost no responcibility and was always on my toes, full of adreniline. At the end of the show, I practically felt high off my own contributions to the show.
I expected, with myself having much more responcibilty now, that the rush would be that much greater. Surprisingly, it isn't...I'm totally flat right now. A bit releived and surprised by its success, but flat emotionally. At the end of the show, instead of mobbing my fly crew (as I thought I might), I went off to Chachi and lied down on the bed for a while, before going to help Scotty open the doors (a perk of being fly captain/unofficial asm thingy).
But honestally...other than a few moments where I thought I'd screwed the show royally, I didn't give much of a damn what happened. Summer show, blah blah blah, anything I miss one of the crew or scotty will probably catch, etc. That's not strictly true as scotty knows only what ryan and I know and the crew knows even less (cues change every time we run the show...I have no doubt we'll change something before tomorrow night) meaning that if I were to mess up, fly would be screwed. But still...I didn't/don't care. Tomorrow night will be easy, I think, but if it isn't, its no big deal. I'm tempted to even bring a meal and eat it in the hayes during the second act. Dunno where I'll get the food from, though...rachel still has all my money.

Fly Crew: I don't know if I told you all, but you rock. Totally. You took my jumbled cues, accidental signals, and general confusion and turned it into a coherent and beautiful set of fly operations. I mean it, you guys are amazing. You may feel redundant, but without any one of you, I am certain the show would not have turned out as well as it did. Thank you.

Everyone else: well done. I wasn't paying attention to you and your cues, but ryan and jeff were happier than I can ever recall seeing them after a summer show (note I've only been in one other summer show :D). Great work.

Rachel and Spencer: Quit beating yourselves up. The audience loved it, nothing exploded, and I can still hear properly. I consider that a job well done. Maybe I have low standards, but hey, you did good kids.

If you came to the show, thank you much, good shows don't happen without good audiences.

Tomorrow I have the morning semi-free (gotta drive the sis around early) and tech at night.

Gotta love it, though...all that other stuff that's been bothering me: gone. Football starts monday, I still can't wait, but I'm not worried about anything else anymore. People are who they are, I can't change that, nor do I really have any reason to want to. Roll with the punches and hope you getta beat life back someday.

Music of the day: Dear Claudia - South FM

Dear Claudia, you should try not to sleep with your best friend's boyfriend.
You've come so far since that time when you let your first boy in,
and you do it so carelessly,
as if you had no self esteem.
A victim of apathy, but you don't care what people say about you.
I will let you in before you break yourself

Its true that you like to sleep around,
enjoy it with your backside on the ground.
But you should know that its not your fault,
your father killed himself.

Dear Claudia, you leave pieces of you in each bed you lay in,
and when you're done there will be somebody else wearing your skin.
I will lay your fears right here next to mine,
and when we close our eyes we'll be entwined.
Little Claudia,
you must find another,
you must forgive yourself,
cause its not your fault I killed myself...

Little Claudia,
I will forgive you...

It Begins...

Well, I got 6 hours of sleep, I need to be at school in an hour and a half, my car needs to go into the shop to get its AC fixed, and I won't be home until about 11:30 because we have tech all day. At least it looks like a beauitful day outside.

My Schedule...

Oh, almost forgot...there were some inqueries into my schedule. I'm surprised some of you haven't figured it out by now, but I'll post it here anyways. If you didn't read this, and still are bugged at me for not saying where I am...well...that's your problem. :P

Thursday: 9:30 AM to 11:30+ PM: Tech. Tech. Food. Tech. End of story.

Friday: Semi-free morning, then tech.

Saturday: Same as friday.

Sunday: Strike. Busy all day, probably.

Monday through Friday: football in the morning, maybe free in the afternoon. Talk to me at least a day in advance if you actually want me to do something that you're planning. Otherwise, it'll depend on my schedule and mood. :D

Hold Me - Savage Garden

First Rehersal...

It went well, all things considered. I didn't mess up anything. There were some miscommunications between my fly crew and the deck manager, but those have been worked out and they were unimportant anyways. I know all of three cues for the entire show...tomorrow will be long. Very long.

The camp stps still aren't done, but I don't wanna do anything. Maybe they'll get done, maybe they won't. I really don't care.

Saw Misha today for the first time in ages, Fagan too. Both seemed happy to be back. :D

I'm at a total loss...some of the people who barely know me are the nicest, some of the people who know me the best cause me the most pain. Its logical, I guess, because the people who know me are the ones who can actually hurt me, but I don't get why the ones who don't know me very well are so incredibly kind. Life's just funny like that.

I again realize how much I'd rather be beaten then ignored. One day...one day everything will work out. Until then, I get to hit things starting next monday. I can hardly wait...

"I don't need a girl, I don't need a friend, cause my friend lonesome's unconditional..."

True, but painful...I wish this didn't keep hurting, wounds I thought were closed for good that I keep letting you rip open with every angry word, every loving gesture, every glare, every glance. At least I'm looking forward to the physical hell that will be football. Beating the crap out of people never sounded so go...hell, if he hadn't been so nice to me when I continually gave him shit, I'd beat the crap outta rob. No ribs required.

I'm gonna go try and sleep now...who knows, it might work.

Chad Brock...he doesn't fit the mood, but "she said yes" is catchy as hell and cheers me up some.

Why can't I accept you for who you are, however much I may hate it?

Long day...

...bench maxed in the morning (estimate was 230, for those who care to know...I figure it should be a bit closer to 250 ideally, but that'll be when I finally kick soda after this weekend) and then played dougie some chess and played through a game. Then I moved in at tech. Cynda and Maggie came and hung out for a while again. Considering I barely know them (really, only though Karolyn, Mikee, and Ken) and its a friend of a friend type deal, I'm continually surprised how friendly and kind they are to me. I assume tis because they're just good people. Shoulda known, considering who they're friends with. :D
I got "my" fly system in order today. Still feels weird to think its all my responcibilty...so far, I've just dumped most of it onto pat, who knows what he's doing. I do a little bit of taking charge every now and then, though.

I figured out a bit of my problem. I've thought in the past that certain people hurt me because they choose to. However, its more that I choose to let them hurt me, or even to be hurt by them. My paradigm of reality is a bit skewed, often towards the naive and idealistic side. I know I can crack sick jokes with the best of them, but I never really stop and consider what people are really like. Sure, I KNOW what they're like, I just don't think about it. The thought that some people might want to do some things that I consider...wrong/innapropriate, and that really, they are not bad by any objective standard, is hard to come to terms with. I need to become more accepting. I've kinda hit a wall in my self-inflicted maturation and need to break through it. I'll try...luckily, the parties involved seem most willing to help me in this endevor. Shock therapy and all that.
I also need to stop being so egocentric. I constantly assume things are about me, that people are avoiding me/drawn to me/happy with me/angry with me when really it could be any of a dozen things. Its pure hubris/paranoia to constantly assume its me.
As for choosing to be hurt...I choose how to interpet certain things, choose to let people mean something to me, choose to let their actions affect me. Few people are capable of causing me emotional pain, but those who are are people I've chosen to trust/love/care about and can certainly hurt me a great deal...because I choose to let them, not because they neccessarily act in a hurtful manner or try to cause me pain.

And now I lost my train of thought...that's ok.

Every day, I've matured a little bit. Every day, I get a bit better at dealing with those things in life I find incredibly unpleasant. Every day, I become more accepting. I acknowledge many of my faults and am working to change them...forgive me if I continue to hold you in a box in my mind for a little while longer...I'm working to stop limiting the people around me.

Heh...and sorry about that trash can...you sit on it, and I can't resist helping you into it... ^-^

Sunday Drive - The Early November
Had a moment of that feeling again today, but it passed pretty quickly. I did learn, though, that glue gun burns don't go away quickly...good thing I didn't go so far as to write anything on my arm with it. That would have made things...awkward...later on...

Sleep time.

One Song, Glory...

Yeah, I've been listening to the Rent soundtrack a ton. I love it to death. This song struck me particularly, though...I agree with the singer completely. Its always kinda bothered me that I might lead a "meaningless" life, one where I fail to accomplish anything or change anything or really help anyone. Depending on my mood, I have different views on my life so far. There are times I'm confident I've helped some people out in really meaningful ways, and others when I just feel like I've done absolutely nothing or am, *shudder*, a failure so far. I don't really know what I want. Well, I do.
See...it all goes back to end of eighth grade summer...
Due to events I don't really wanna discuss, I decided I wanted to change. I wanted to become the person people could rely on for help when they really needed it, I didn't wanna be the one always fighting for dates or whatever, but rather be a truely good friend to people. My selfish half wanted to be appreciated for this and have equally good friends. As many of you may have noticed, at the same time I chose to forsake highschool romances, or at the very least, not actively seek them out. Too much trouble, too much pain, and I was WELL aware I wasn't ready to deal with that. (I'm still not sure I am...I'll force myself to be sometime after graduation, I'm sure, but until then, I'll stay where I'm safe and comfortable. :D) This gives me a rather interesting viewpoint on everyone else's dating woes...normally, guys who get dropped hard and don't seem to really recover and girls who do the dropping and quickly grow irritated with the "slow/dumb immature" male specimens around them. There have been, of couse, exceptions to these stereotypes. The vast majority would fall somewhere in there, though. I often wish I could help my fellow men see how good it is to be "single" and how despite what society tries to tell you, a good friendship is worth a thousand girlfriends. Most just don't seem to get it, though.
Now, don't let me come across as the guy who has it all figured out. I don't. At all. I do, however, like to think I have SOME things figured out. There are a few friends I know better than I know myself. And there are many people from who I learn on a daily basis. I almost feel like a leech sometimes, the one who's sucking their experiences from them in an effort to continually grow. I've been told, though, that I help. That having someone to talk to and who can in turn offer a different perspective helps. And apparently, its sometimes good to have someone who will just laugh with you or hug you instead of judging you.
Those are the moments where I feel like a true success, like if I died now, I could go to whatever awaits me content that I had made a true postive difference, that people I cared about deeply had been enriched partially because of me.
There are a few people I hold in my head as people I've helped out in a serious way. They're ones where I can TELL they've changed "for the better", and point to specific instances where I know I helped them, and others where they've told me I helped them. (I don't mean to say they were "bad" or "wrong" before I helped them, only that there was something about them or their life that could have been better -- ie, depression, too much shyness, fear, etc. -- that my friendship helped improve. Or maybe I just made them laugh instead of crying. Regardless, I did something good for them.)
But then there are also times where it feels like I've literally been tossed aside, like they see me as useless to them now, that I've given all I can give and they owe me nothing and so should dispose of me.
What's bad is when I get that feeling and agree with it...
For some reason, though, I beleive that feeling is wrong. For every moment I feel that way, there are 20 spent with that person where I feel appreciated and loved. Nobody's perfect, I seem to have my emotional highs and lows like everyone else. All that burying of emotion just makes the highs and lows bigger and rarer, I guess.

Regardless...thank you to those people who make me feel truely loved and appreciated. You mean the world to me and I would do anything for you. ^ ^

I still eagerly await my chance to help change the world for the better...
and I think that shows how insanely idealistic and naive and egotistical I really am.

Still, any young person who's not an idealist at some point has missed childhood, any older person who isn't skeptical hasn't wised up.
Or something like that.

One song -- glory...
in the eyes of a young girl..

Revolve...

"July 24, 2004. Today was a good day."

Woke up late, did a bit of work around the house, then headed to tech. It was too hot there. Started out the day well by shattering an hourglass. That was the only thing I broke today. Cleaned/organized the black box, did a fabric/soda run avec karolyn, worked on STP's and a hanger thingy for them, watched A Night At The Roxbury again, debated the merits of live/recorded version of Coffeehouse and how that "destroys the essence of Coffeehouse", passed out some dope (ADVIL, you corrupt individuals), hung a few lights, and drove k and adrianna home. There was some huge accident by adrianna's house, there were lights everywhere. More details on that when I find out. Surpisingly, when I was resigned to not making curfew, I made it. AND dodged a speed trap. Cop was waiting about 50 yards deep in a parkinglot overlooking Jenkins and I saw him and easily lost 20 mph in time. Lucky or blessed? ;D

Sometimes, things are really confusing. People act one way towards you, then change, then change again, all within a short period of time. Some people write this off to hormones (particularly when the confusing character is female or teenaged). Occasionally, I'm misled by someone's actions, or assume they're "faking" something when they aren't. Those are bad times. Today, though, I actually understood what was going on, and everything was ok. Heh. Ok, and hilarious...life is so weird sometimes. Its all you can do to keep your sanity and just step back and look at your life...then laugh your head off. My apologies to those I was around today; there were some things I found really funny that doublesslly came across wrong. I assure you, when I find it funny how you hold something, or carry yourself, or say something, its not mean spirited at all. I find myself loving something about you, or a situation, or the interplay between your hair and the background colors, and just break out laughing. Its a stress reliver...I could be all stressed and uptight right now, and then I'd feel a need to act, and that wouldn't be good. So I'll just sit back and chuckle at the way life's working out for me, and enjoy it. Life sucks when you're in the wrong perspective, but its all sugar and sweets if you look at it right. That's really the trick, its not "it could be this" or "I'd prefer that", but "I love the way things are" or "man...that's beautiful" or even just "that is SOOO cute". Confused yet?

Good.

A friend reminded me of this song today, then validated my love of it by mentioning that they actually liked it a fair bit. Its good to know I'm not the only one sometimes.

Music of the night: 9 Days. In particular, Revolve and If I Am.

Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

Suffice to say that this movie is the funniest thing since...uh...anything. Yeah, I'm really tired, and yeah, I'm really tired. Just wanted to say today really rocked, and this movie really rocked, and all the dimmers in the theater died, and the show might never have a set, but that rocks too.

Life is good.

"The universe has a way of unfolding itself."
I'm gonna sleep, I'll edit this with more info later.

Loving God, loving life, loving you...pain outweighted by pleasure, wounds by love, and humour cures all. And I really...really...need sleep...

"Balls against the wall"

That's the motto of the day. Early on, I almost missed an eye appointment by oversleeping. Had to really haul to make it. Then, I almost killed myself at tech (or, more importantly, almost let someone I was supervising almost kill themself or someone else. Drivin karo home was insane...cut off an old lady and thought she was going to try and ram me or something. :D Then played (and horribly lost) some poker. Balls against the wall 7 card no peaky is really plain gambling...no real skill involved. :P I'm sure my noble cardmates would beg to differ...and I don't deny its intense and nerve racking (or would be, with real cash).

Sleepy time.

Music du soir: RENT!!! IT'S COMING!!!! YAY!!!!

Eye Docs, and tech...

Yup, that's what I'm doing today. Might see a sneak peak of harold and kumar tomorrow, other than that I'll be at tech probably until saturday night. Its someplace to be, and the work needs to get done. Stop by if you have time, more hands and a destraction from labor is always welcome.

I consider it strange that I'm once again playing "goodbye temelcua" and "last asshole on earth", along with "sad eyes" and "burning puddles"...haven't done that to this extent in over a year...RIP third try, I guess...

"One day I'll find a match and ignite that flame again..."

Thrown around by the raging current...

...or something like it. Its really rather confusing...if I don't think about it, everything seems normal and the same. But when I stop to think, I lose my perspective of normality and wonder what on earth is going on. I'm sure one day everything will make sense and I'll regret having worried about somethings. Actually, I'm gonna stop worrying, at least for today. Too tired for this right now. Maybe I'll even go back to bed. That is, if the dogs stop barking at the birds or whatever.

What does it mean when you no longer talk to me like you used to, no longer treat me like you used to, no longer act like you used to, and see no reason to mention this change to me? Everyone's moving forward, moving on, but I wanna stay right here. Here I'm safe, here I'm happy, here I'm meaningful. Maybe I can just stay behind here, let you go ahead and move on, and find something else to fill the gaping hole you're leaving in your wake. Maybe a lot of glue or really goopy paint... ;D

Bleh. Screw it all.

Forest Grove, Lights, some weird "paint", and COUNTRY MUSIC!

I've finally begun spending looong hours at tech. Its kinda sad that rach is in boston this week...last year we partied with rob and ryan long into the night. Now its just me and rob and ryan late at night. Still fun, but without the dropstick and estrogen. Or something.

Highlights of today were definately the drive to forest grove with ryan to haul back a dresser and lights, getting free food, pulling down the lights in fg, then hauling them back to jesuit. Speed record: Azteck, Me, Ryan, 10 grand in lights and a huge ass dresser...speed: 105. That's not a dash, either...that's cruising speed. I kept it above 80 until we hit cedar hills and I was forced to change lanes and break. I think the total time coming back was like 15 mintues. Slight exaggeration, maybe, but I apparently beat ryan's best time...or came close, at least.

We then got chinese food and did more stuff round school...that painty stuff that we use for topcoats definately has something in it. I was getting pretty giddy towards the end. Fun stuff.

A happy birthday to Felicia, a THANK GOD for Karolyn (winner of my "awesomest tech person" award for promising to come back tomorrow and save our collective asses with the damn STP's. Without her, they WOULD NOT get done. Ever. Seriously.

If you're reading this and you're on fly crew, make sure you come friday (cept for rhoades, I'll talk to him later). If you're not on fly crew, and I or my crew catch you touching any part of the system, and your not higher ranking than me/fully qualified in my mind to do so, you're gonna be on the floor, or at least stationed on the far side of the stage. Don't mess. We'll go over "the rules" at rehersal, but basically, non fly/deck managing peoples do not touch the fly rail or fly stuff. Sorry to be harsh, but today we hung more stuff and its all pretty close together now. And I don't want anyone in the way. Right now, my job will consist of helping cue the crew, looking after them, and policing the fly rail (in addition to anything else scottyboy wants...he's the boss). AND THE CHAIRS WILL LIVE!!!!! If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, just wait. It will be grand, awesome, and amazing. Oh yeah.

Listen to "Maps" by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, per the recommendation of a friend. Seems to be good...so I'll sleep now.

EDIT: I can't beleive this. It hurts. Physically, it hurts. DAMN IT! I LIKE A FRIGGEN COUNTRY SONG! CURSE YOU, RYAN, CURSE YOU!!!!!!!!!!

I thought this day would never come, but there's the added song du jour:
"She Said Yes!" - Chad Brock

"She said yes! and I said wow!  
She said when and I said how about right now
Love can't wait then I asked if she believed in fate
And she said yes..."

Bourne Supremecy...

Saw the "sneak peak" or "preimer" or whatever last night...it rocked. Totally.
About the only complaints I had were the overly shakey camera work and the lack of focus that probably was a result of the shakey camera work. It wasn't so bad as to make the film unwatchable, or unenjoyable, but it did detract a little from the fun. Still an awesome film, though.

I'm off to get some more passes, and then try and dodge my house all day (cleaning lady comes). We'll see how that goes for me.

Music du Mornin': Mamma Mia Original Cast Recording.

Yeah...

Bourne Identity

Counting times I've seen half or more of The Bourne Identity, I've now seen 7 times, I think 5 in its entirety. Still a good movie...actually, minus the first and second time, this was my favorite viewing of it. Still had to miss the ending, but legal curfew must be met. Or I don't get to leave my house after dusk for the rest of the week. Or something.
Still, we gots the preview tickets to Supremecy tomorrow night, and that will rock. There's a slim chance we have one extra, talk to me around 3:30 tomorrow and I'll tell you if it really is free.
I missed my record time of approx. 10 minutes (home from scotty's) by a tad...tonight worked out to 13 minutes, not counting the minute I spent sitting in the car at his place checking messages. I woulda beaten my previous time except I was slowed down by the roadwork on I-5. Woulda been closer to 16 or 18 had I been in the expi...this aztek can definately handle curves better. Pluses and minuses.

I really wonder why so many people assume myself and a certain female friend are dating. This has been going on for well over a year now...literally every mutual friend has asked at some point, in addition to just about anyone who sees us together for a long enough period of time. Is it just that we spend time together, and that normally signifies dating? Is it "inside jokes"? The way we're comfortable around one another and can banter back and forth? I really don't get it. I suppose its a weird compliment, in a way...its a validation that we appear close to other people, and that they're confident we're both heterosexuals. Considering the "friendly" way I act at times, that's probably a plus. ;D The nice part is, it no longer others me or even makes things awkward. I used to feel the need to try and explain things, normally failing miserably, leaving the questioner confused and certain we WERE in fact dating and that I was just lamely trying to cover it up. Heh. Staring at them and laughing works much better, along with mentioning that we get that alot. Gotta love that I'm finally picking up some of these polite social dodges that other people use so frequently around me. :D
I'm also aquiring an ability (or reaquiring?) to actually get what people mean with their vague comments or figure out what's going on from a small amount of evidence. That makes me happy. Sometimes, I will literally be as dense as a rock and just not get it when someone is hinting at something to me. Used to be I could tell exactly what was going on with various people from just a look or seemingly normal question. (Ever notice how soph year I ended up knowing all those weird little social ties? Wasn't normally told...I just figured it out. A useful skill, I assure you.) I think this indicates that the stress that blanketed my mind at the end of last year is finally gone. I once again care very little about once-important problems. Even football seems pretty relaxing again. Only time will tell...but perhaps I'm back to my old carefree self. That would be very, very nice.

The site update is chugging along...sadly, I once again seem to be infront of my computer very little. Too much other stuff going on. It will get finished, though...I just need a good stretch of time to do it in. Maybe one of these weekends or something...

Song du Jour: Somewhere Down on Fullteron - Allister

Gerry...

This film rocks. That said, I cannot reccomend it to most people. Or to anyone who would watch it after about 10 PM. Or in a large group. You need to be alone or with the right people, and be stoked enough on caffine that you won't get tired. It was definately a different kind of movie, but I still really enjoyed it.

Lifting and tech tomorrow, hopefully my mom will decide she's ok not seeing me again...they've gotten kinda clingy/irked by my non-presence.

"Sleep seems a dream away and a year too late, words that can't be spoken, stream though my mind...and I wanna be selfish, I WANNA BE SELFISH, you're my everything...some things can never be explained, why does your love remain unchanged?
Please don't forget my name..."

Video Killed the Radio Star

The Buggles certainly got that one right. Stop and think for a second: are there any really ugly popular musicians these days? It used to be you could get by with a terrible face so long as your voice was good but the advent of music videos and glamour mags has changed that. In fact, just the opposite is true now...people like Brittany Spears can get by with a terrible voice and a good bod and some computerized tricks. Modern music has lost its "purity"...its been relegated to just another form of entertainment, instead of reaminging a true art form. Writing, music, and theater have all been commercialized to such a degree that it becomes almost impossible to use them as a method for self expression on a large scale. Nothing gets spread around if it doesn't sell, few things sell without being designed specifically for mass market consumption.

My family gets back today, we'll see how that goes. I'm also supposed to be tutoring this afternoon. Hopefully my knowledge of calculus will last through the summer...I'm positive there are some topics covered in the college calc 3 class that Dr. G. didn't manage to go over with us.

Anyone in ptown, feel free to come in to tech next week. We'd really love to have you. I'm quite seriuos. There's enough left to be done that it could easily take three weeks...we have one. Call me if you need specifics, otherwise just come to the PAC anytime around noon.
That said, tech will rock now. No more little kids breaking things, slowing things down, and generally getting in the way and forcing me to watch my language/actions. yesssssss.... ;D

Stay Awake - Be All, End all
"I don't know why I can't, I don't know why I can't, I don't know why I can't,
stay awake..."

And Dylan reminded me how much I love Brand New the other night...so here's my favorite song by them. This once was stuck in my head for a good month...and it is again...dammit...

Jude Law And A Semester Abroad"

Whatever poisons in this bottle
will leave me broken, sore and stiff
But it's the genie at the bottom who I'm sucking at,
he owes me one last wish
So here's a present to let you know I still exist
I hope the next boy that you kiss has something terribly contagious on his lips

But I got a plan (I got a plan)
To drink for forty days and forty nights
A sip for every second-hand tick
And every time you fed the line,
“you mean so much to me”
I'm without you

Tell all the English boys you meet
about the American boy back in the states
The American boy you used to date
who would do anything you say
Tell all the English boys you meet
about the American boy back in the states
The American boy you used to date
who would do anything you say

And even if her plane crashes tonight
she'll find some way to disappoint me,
by not burning in the wreckage,
or drowning at the bottom of the sea
Jess, I still taste you, and thus reserve my right to hate you
And all this empty space that you create
does nothing for my flawless sense of style
It's 8:45 (it's 8:45), the weather is getting better by the hour (rains all the time)
I hope it rains there all the time
And if you ever said you miss me then don't say you never lied
I'm without you

Tell all the English boys you meet
about the American boy back in the states
The American boy you used to date
who would do anything you say
Tell all the English boys you meet
about the American boy back in the states
The American boy you used to date
who would do anything you say,
who would do anything you say

Never gonna get it right, you're never gonna get it...

Okay no more songs about you. After this one I am done.
You're gone...

Tell all the English boys you meet
about the American boy back in the states
The American boy you used to date
who would do anything you say
Tell all the English boys you meet
about the American boy back in the states
The American boy you used to date
who would do anything you say...

The Night's Lyrics...

Forgot these:

"Never You Mind" - Semisonic

Saturday morning along and barely feeling
Sitting at home after rocking and areeling
All night in a cat fight
With the only one that can make me cry
Open the blinds and the world is in rotation
Shaking my mind like an Etch a Sketch erasing
Sunshine you were bad I'm
Still mad but I can't remember why

I believe you know me well
I react like you're rining a bell
Are you sorry that you treat me unkind
Never you mind

Rolling along to the song that aggravates us
Beckoned on by the mirage of an oasis
Hurry, I'm getting blurry
And it's no longer clear in my mind

I believe you know me well
I react like you're ringing a bell
Are you sorry that you treat me unkind
Never you mind

I believe I got you down
You react like anybody else around
Are you sorry that we wasted our time
Never you mind

Sometimes it takes all my time guessing why
I can't figure it out
Sometimes it takes all my energy just to forget about
All the memories that I'd be better off without
I believe you know me well

Switch on the box Mr. Spock is on the table
Dr. McCoy is unable to connect his brain
Sweatin and strainin
Well it seemed so simple at the time

(I'm also amazed...comedy central doesn't filter south park...wow...)

I, Robot and the Summer Show...

Tonight, I saw I, Robot. It was "inspired by" the series of the same name by Issac Asimov. For those of you who don't know, Asimov is one of my favorite sci-fi authors of all time...his works were inspired by "real science", his predictions are very logical and his works stand on their own, not relying on rabid sci-fi fans for sales. That's all a complicated way of saying I enjoy his work and respect him as a scientist and person. While I, Robot took some major liberties with his work (it was only "inspired", not "based upon") there was a definate flavor of Asimov to the work...I think he'd be proud of it. That, and its an enjoyable film with extremely excellent cinimatography.

Tech was certainly...interesting today. Got there a hair late and helped move the giant metal platforms into Ryan's truck. Then I went and watched karo and ryan fix the sewing machine...which broke again within minutes of ryan's departure. Karolyn partially fixed it, then departed for the coast after telling me to fix it....I did, but then the needle broke. And I gave up. Beaten by a crappy sewing machine. At the end of tech, Ryan handed out job assignments for the summer tech show. Somehow, I ended up Fly Captain. I did put the job down as my second choice, but next to it I wrote "This should be Pat Spear!". He is by far the more responcible person, and one better suited to memorizing fly cues and ensuring things go well. *sigh* As it is, i'll make do. My "crew" is certainly excellent...Pat will end up being my right hand man (basically, any advice he gives I'll take) with Karolyn, Adrianna, and Mike Rhoades working too. Mike and Adrianna are both excellent techies and have experience from the class. Karolyn has been on fly crew for the last two (three?) years and is certainly trustworthy. This crew will rock...I doubt even I will be capable of screwing something up. The stagemanger of the whole show (aka, the big boss, head honcho, etc.) will be Ryan. He's the one who actually runs the show. Everyone else is under him in some way or another. He, however, will run the show from the booth. This makes it physically imposisble for him to actually manage the stage directly (as most stage managers would do). This was also the case last year, the solution being to have a "deck manager" backstage who will act in the SM's name, and fulfill his backstage duties while also taking orders from him. Last year, this was Rob...which wasn't really cool. He kept things from being really fun backstage. This year, though, Scotty will be the DM. He's also my direct superior (and link to ryan.) This is a very good thing as Scott has always been my boss at tech things and I'm getting pretty good at taking orders from him. :D The ironic part of this is that Rob has no function...no one really knows what he'll do during the show. Sorta Scotty's ultimate revenge on him.
Hopefully this show will end up being as fun as music man...scotty's in charge again, I never need to leave the fly rial, and this crew could shape up to being as good as that of the music man...talented people, fewer cues, and more of a party. Ryan is also incredibly laid back about everything...so as long as no one gets hurt, everything will be fine.

That, and we need to actually build the sets.

I'm definately wiped out, time for sleep. Maybe rest will make this smashed thumb feel better.

"God Bless You kids"

Today...today surprised me. In many ways. We got the tickets to Bourne Supremecy that we wanted, my tutoring went really well, cutting fabric didn't kill me, a person I keep thinking dislikes me showed that things were really ok, Lauren's mass went well, we sped around, the Aztek rocks, and Shari's food isn't terrible.

But the best single moment was when an older lady went out of her way to thank our party at Shari's for being so wonderful, sayed we were the future and she was proud of us, and blessed us. Her two sons when to JHS back in the day and loved it, and her hope in the new generation was renewed by listening to our loud conversations. Yeah. That's a huge warm and fuzzy feeling. It even overcompensated the embarressment brought by hugging Spence really tight and accidentally hook a bit of rach's shirt with one finger. >_< Late at night, I lose all cordination and spatial awareness. But all is well.

Tomorrow I can't do anything after tech. My parents are apparently gone for the weekend and want to actually see my face for a change. Go figure. Here I thought they'd be happy to not have me around for a while. I think they were, but some deeper family instinct keeps them from giving me totally free reign. Honestally, we'd get along so much better if they left out a list of simple chores and some cash every so often and I could come and go as I pleased. Maybe family dinners one night a week or something.
Don't get me wrong, I love them dearly. They're the only people who seem to have a definate stake in my well being...maybe they "have to", but they have more than proven their love for me. Any one of my family members could completely destroy my life if they so chose. Likewise, they can make things so much easier. Far more often than not, they make things easy. But what really gets me is the way they actually care. Corny, I know. Example: my little sister really does look up to me. In my mom's words, she "idolizes and worships me". Its kinda creepy...anyone who really knows me (which, I guess, isn't very many people) know that I'm not a truely good person, or even that good of a rolemodel. I guess I'm alright on the surface and stuff, but underneath is bad. "Maybe I only claimed to be good, all that evil shit's not hard to find." I'm truely safe around them, despite however much I may hate to be under someone's thumb so completely.

Friends are also a good source of saftey and whatnot. Somehow, I ended up as one of those incredibly lucky people who has a group of incredibly good friends. Not only are the friends good as friends, but they're just plain good people. I honestally beleive that if I ever had a problem I couldn't handle, I could go to any one of them and they would do everything in their power to help me. Some of them already have helped a ton, whether they realize it or not. I won't comment on any specifics because I don't want anyone to feel embarassed or pressured to continue acting as they are. The whole beauty of it is that these people are so genuine, they are the way they are because that's the way they are, not because they feel forced to act that way. And putting up with me is a hell of a feat, I assure you. Tonight was almost overwhelming...so many people are so loving. Coupled with this afternoon...wow.

On a sadder note, Ryan severely burned his hand tonight. Hopefully he'll be ok, but its doubtful he'll have full use back for a weekish.
For some reason, Ryan and Rob seem to consider me a considerable help. I don't know why this is...I don't do things that other people can't do as well or better. Actually, I think I work best when someone like Scott or Rachel is doing all the skill work and I just assist with manual labor. I'm capable of skill stuff (Pat and I did a marvelous job free-hand cutting some facing today) but I'm not outstanding. Which makes me wonder what's so special about me...surely I'm not that much more helpful because I'm bigger? I'm sure it will make sense someday.

It's now time for sleep. I'm pretty much already passed out. Music for tonight: Your Funeral - Saves the Day. Far too morbid for the occasion, but it works.

"I Finally Found You Here" - WE

This song got stuck in my head while I was sleeping. Basically, I woke up and it was there, and I hadn't listened to it at all while awake. Then I couldn't find the lyrics online. So I'm posting them here. Enjoy! :D

NOTE: I've been Lauren's Mass is tonight at 9. If this is somehow confsing, feel free to call me sometime in the afternoon and check...I don't give any guarentees, I'm just repeating what I was told.

"I Finally Found You" - Weekend Excursion

So what now, should we leave things as they were
We’re not sure, so I would understand that if you want out
Because you don’t trust me with your heart
Just be sure, because I can’t stand to be apart from you

Spending time with you, I seem to smile a little more
Your skin makes you an angel, your heart’s an open door
It’s plain to see, but I’ve just now realized
I stare across the room and your brilliance blinds my eyes

Sometimes our answers leave us empty
‘Cause we believe what we don’t mean
And now I’ve found out that my life is just too hard
To live it without you

Are you strong, or can you tell me
Is this happiness when life’s always taking turns
And right now, how I wish that you were here
But my patience wins, ‘cause I can feel you inside of my dreams

So you want to escape from it all
You say you want some relief
Don’t you know I’d never let you fall
You’ve just got to believe
So you want to escape from it all
You say you want some relief
Don’t you know I’d never let you fall

Now it may seem like all this time’s been wasted
But if this is what it takes to bring me to you
Then my life begins today

I finally found you here
I finally found you here

We can find a way
We can find a way

I know it seems so strange
But I already miss you
And I’ll never be the same
‘Cause I already miss you, girl
I finally found you here
I finally found you here...

The Door In The Floor...

Yeah, used my first free ticket ever tonight. Its a great concept, though some of the fellow audience members sucked. The woman behind spencer was an asshole...burping, yelling, etc. And you can't start anything, because you know she doesn't care if she gets thrown out and misses the rest of the film.
Mixed feelings about the film itself. It gave a rather stereotypical and embarrising portayal of the teenage male, at times limiting most of the characters to flat, one dimensional creatures. There were definate moments of roundness for all, but some parts seemed to get pretty grassland-ish. It also had a weird ending...I won't spoil it, but the last minute or so is both deep, disturbing, and just plain weird. Almost anti-climatic, too.
It was thought-provoking, however. In a good way. In the film, a man writes a story about a door in the floor...beneath this door is something terrible and evil. A pregnant woman goes about life knowing this door is in her floor and fearing to bring a new life into the world, knowing it will someday open the door and suffer a terirble fate. Gross simplificate of events, probably, but it gets the message across. There are things each of us fears, either from experience or common sense or just irrational fear. These fears often determine the paths our lives take. We can choose to try and protect ourselves from pain and live the boring, lonely life or accept that bad things are very likely, and we will hurt, and dive in. Better to be born into a world full of danger than stay safely in the womb and never live.

The real thing that occured to me tonight was how egocentric I am sometimes. I'm always taking little bits of information and patching them together, normally with great sucess, into a tapestry of the world around me. What I failed to notice was that I always patch them together with how the relate to me, how I want them to fit or don't want them to see. Quite often, I see what I want to (or really don't want to). Occasionally, this leads me to overreact and cause someone else pain or even bring about a bad situation that I wanted to prevent all along.
Most recently, I have a friend who I know is going through some hard times. I've tried a few times to reach out and help, but I always end up with a proverbial beating/door-slamming-in-my-face. They just don't seem to want my help, or for me to notice and acknowledge their pain. I found that fairly insulting and have been trying to force myself to still act normally and politely around them all while feeling as though they don't respect me as a friend. However, when I look at it from their perspective, it makes perfect sense. There is no reason for them to worry about my feelings right now...they are the one with the problems. The rejects are not a sign of dislike but merely a reaction caused by their pain. Only my own self-centered world view would begin to imagine that they actually hated me. (*parnoid half chimes in that they might hate me regardless*)
In another case, one friend has chosen, or almost chosen, more than once to hang out with a different group of friends. This would normally not even begin to bother me except that they had already agreed to hang with "my" group. The last-second withdrawals and attempted withdrawals almost seem like slaps in the face, the "you're not as cool as this person is" type thing highschool is infamous for. A reality check forces me to conceed that in each case they've had extremely valid reasons for not wanting to come/not coming. Egos are killer.

Another social problem cropping up of late is clashing different groups of friends. Last week, one friend was asked to the same movie by three separate groups of people. The ironic and sad part was that all the groups ended up going to the same theater and showing and later going to dinner together. Had they orignally been one large group, the friend in question would not have felt torn. But this is a minor example, where all the parties enjoy hanging with each other. In other cases, one group severely dislikes another, to the point of not wanting the second present at any social function. There is a wide variety of people at tech, for example. How do you explain that you've been invited to do something with a group of people and cannot bring anyone else (because its not your house/there are no seats) or that the people planning don't want the other person to come? Especially when the invitation is made to you in front of the party that isn't invited? Awkward. Today, we had 4 free tickets to a limited release showing of The Door in the Floor. We simply couldn't bring just anyone who wanted to come, as there was a very definate limit...but its impossible to hide the fact you're leaving as a group and going to a group activity.

At least things are interesting...

"I love you, even when I know you aren't listening anymore, even when I can't work up the courage to say it, even when you hate me."
Sucks, don't it, how you can't prevent people from caring sometimes?

Weekend Excursion is the band du soir...go and take a listen.

Napoleon Dynamite...

He was everything we always were afraid of growing into in highschool. No one can look at the protagonists in this film and not see some of themselves, generally something they didn't/don't like about themself. Yet for all the displayed ugliness, there is hope.

This is no Eternal Sunshine or L.i.T., nor does it lay a finger to Anchorman, but it offers valuable insights. We're all losers waiting to be cool, we're all cool waiting to take a fall, and without hope and determination, we'll never get anywhere. Sometimes you just need to throw down the tape deck, tuck your jeans into your boots, and dance like no one is watching.

I got to help "file" down metal bars today. And play in "mud". An explation is in order, I suppose. Today at tech, Ryan decided it was time for me and most of my psudeo "crew" to assist the ladies with fabric. Put simply, in my world of tech, messing with fabric stuff ranks only above bulk painting. To clarify, the details work I did on my wheel was as fun as any other job at tech, discounting shows. But painting of large objects just sucks...especially outside in the heat. Regardless, I spent 3 hours helping sort, cut, and lay out fabric. We are close to finishing one of the 15 STP's we're supposed to build. Its gonna be a long week. In contrast, after tech, I immediately got to help coat styrafoam picture frames in a white goop best described as "artificial mud". It was fun to play with, felt great on my hands, and was fun to rub on people. I now have a strange desire to replace ky jelly fights with mud fights. Yeah...

Then, though I thought things couldn't get any better, Rachel allowed me to help in the filing of the metal bars. Sparks flew! Some even stuck in my legs! It was soooooo sweet! I have a new strategy for surviving the week: avoid painting at all costs, and use the knowledge that fun tasks wait after 3 to make it until the 3 o'clock hour.

I've had several inqueries about the state of Viper Studios. Yes, it is still alive, Yes, I'm working on that huge update. There is but a small problem...I cannot add any files until I delete 10 megs off the server, I cannot delete until I finish copying things over to a secondary server, I cannot copy until I finish the redesigning of the site. So everything is a little backed up right now. As an added bonus, I'm trying to avoid being home. Ever. Except for sleeping, because to do so would lose any parental support I still have. So we'll see when it gets done.

Question for what/who ever listens to these questions: what does it mean when someone acts incredibly friendly towards you one minute, and is ready to rip you a new one the next? With most people, I have a pretty good idea of where I stand and what's ok. With others, I at least know where the safe ground is and understand that there may be no harshly defined limits (testament of this is the fact that only one person has ever gotten truely angry with me for something I did. Discounting family, of course.) So when suddenly someone I thought I knew and understood begins acting more strangely towards me, I honestally don't know how to respond. When someone's mad, I know to avoid them until/unless we make up. But when someone is supposedly mad, then invites me somewhere, then switches every half hour between being nice and being mean, then does the same thing again and again, I have no idea what's going on. Are other people just hormonal or is there something I'm missing here? Whatever...its probably some common sense thing that I can't be expected to understand.

Despite how I may act...you don't own me. I am a slave to my own choices and emotions, not to you or anyone. There's always a way to escalate the situation, always a way to break free, always a way to destroy.
I'm just longing to build up the strength to choose to destroy.

"So dream a good one tonight..."

I'm just a Stupid Kid sometimes... - AK3

Yin and yang...

I really don't get it. Things shouldn't work like this. I had an awesome day. I went to church, picked up and ate with my mom without fighting with her, helped tutor a college girl in calc 3, and hung at my park for 6 and a half hours with many (most?) of my best friends. And the other people there were cool too. Yet still, as I pull up to my house, I'm angry, pissed, and hurt...with no explanation for why. Maybe cause my CD player is still gone so I had to sing to myself on the way home. I hate the way my voice sounds, normally anyways. That's why its good to have music...I don't have to listen to myself. Maybe I'm hurt because of my dreams clashing with reality, my thoughts with the outside world, and the huge discrepency between the way some things should be and the way they are. My aunts brother died. He was possibly one of the nicest, best people in the world. He had a wife and three little girls. He spent most of his time working for a volunteer organization, helping drug users, homeless people, and others who needed a second chance. One of them shot him in the head and took his wallet. He had less than $100 on him, no credit cards. This is the price of a human life now. Explain that.

Life doesn't need to be fair, but why does this kinda shit happen? Why can't I find ANYTHING outside my head that matches something within? Why is it that the more I come to understand, the less I like and more angry I become at it all? Why is it that if someone is dying, everyone cares about them, but when someone's living, people feel free to tear them down? Where is our "humanity"? Is this all their is to life? Don't get me wrong...my life rocks. Even the minor hiccups that I make such a big deal about are ok. But that doesn't seem to be enough.

There. Is. No. Meaning. Here.

"For all my dreams have turned to nightmares,
all my hopes shattered in my hand.
Now I grasp these broken shards and yell
screaming at the things gone past,
while the blood slowly drips from my fingers,
and I weap for that which has turned to ash.
But no one hears the noise,
no one really cares.
Just another broken soul,
a bloodsoaked figure on the floor.
No one cares for crying,
no one wants to help.
For who wants to accept help offered?
Weakness admited, suffering realized,
Pain. Made. Real.
For there is no such feeling as that
when one must look into their own eyes
and admit that they are powerless.
There is no worse feeling
than looking at one who knows you
and baring your ugly heart.
We lock ourselves apart,
we pluck at shadows,
all the while wondering how it came to this.
When trust is non-exsistant,
love naught but a pretty word.
And barely veiled angry flows
like the tears drowning our hearts.
The strain of standing warps our backs
and shatters our chests.
For where once dwelt the hearts of men
lies now an empty hole.
Cut me, I'll bleed,
but no blood flows in these veins.
I live on a thousand empty memories,
ten thousand ground-up dreams."

Don't ask why I wrote that...I really don't know. It just sorta...popped into my head. Morbid? Yeah...but so's life. 100% fatality rate, 47% divorce rate, 29% abuse rate, 0% innocence rate. We've done it to ourselves...and who will save us now?

Maybe someday I'll look back on these times and laugh, wondering why I let myself get down on such trivial issues. Understanding, though...my quest for knowledge of people and things around me...has led me in circles and brought only pain and despair. Its so much harder to look into the eyes of a killer and know why they did what they did, know full well they'd do it again if they had the choice...and you would too. And still, its wrong, you know it is...if only we could strip away this understanding and condemn freely again, mask the pain with ignorance, and know truely childish bliss.

Why oh why didn't I take the BLUE pill?

In case you were wondering, this is what I was attempting to sing while speeding home:

I put it all on black
The color you’re all dressed in
And a stab in the back
Left you bleeding on the floor
And their mourning the death
The recent passing of your insides
I smile and regret
Everytime I think of how I spoke to you

I put it all in back
Of my mind where I hold you
I’m just trying to keep track
How far back it really goes
And I’m living in lack
Of the blood sent from the heavens
I’m just tryin to relax
As a killer’s waiting right outside my door

What’s black and white was red all over
This tired, busted, organ donor

Sweet blasphemy, my giving tree
It hasn’t rained in years
I bring to you this sacrificial offering of virgin ears
Leave it to me, I’ll remain free
From all the comforts home
And where that is, I’m pleased as pissed to say
I’ll never really know

I put ’em all in black
The four walls of my bedroom
And I trimmed and then bled
Peeled your picture off the wall
And I’m living in lack
Of the blood sent from your heartbeat
That arrived in your neck
Everytime I salivated over you

What’s upside down was coated in silver
This crucifix is my four leaf clover

Sweet blasphemy, my giving tree
It hasn’t rained in years
I bring to you this sacrificial offering of virgin ears
Leave it to me, I’ll remain free
From all the comforts home
And where that is, I’m pleased as pissed to say
I’ll never really know

One of these days
It’s gonna catch up to you
Throwin looks like those around
And one of these nights
I promise to you
I’ll soon be sleeping sound
As soon as I leave town...

The trio is heroin for the broken soul...

Tea, Demi Moore, and Music

An interesting combination, no? I've decided alchohol can be replaced with the first two. Either that, or being drunk really really sucks. Oh, I forgot lack of sleep. That helps too. Regardless...its a real pity Demi is so old and seems to want to make a reputation (has made a reputation?) off things like Striptease. She did an honestly good job doing GI Jane. And a decent one in A Few Good Men. Ever notice how just about everyone in that movie has eyes that are some shade of green? Take a look sometime, its eerie. Quote du jour: "You know the best thing about pain? It lets you know you're still alive!" How true. My leg really hurts, too...I stressed it lifting this week, then banged it on a bloody wagon on friday (but that was pretty funny, I must admit) and then had some senile old lady run a giant cart thing (you know the big orange ones at costco? it had a bunch of bookshelves or something on it, too...and was moving at a decent clip) come crashing into the shin. Surprisingly, there's no mark on it. But it hurts. Pain. Yay.

We took the Aztek into a tire place today...the guy took one look, turned to us and exclaimed "Wow...those are really overdue for a change up! And your alignment must be way off!" This is incredibly ironic. I've been mentioning to my dad for the last two weeks (that's how long I've been driving the car) that the traction sucks because I keep skidding out. He claimed I was "just driving too fast" and I "should be more careful". Funny, I was driving to fast sometimes, but when I skid out going 15 in a parking lot because I made a turn downhill, I know somethings wrong. And I'm extremely careful when breaking the law. ;D The more ironic part is that he used to continually lecture me on how I "shouldn't park so close to the curb" because "it would knock the tires out of alignment". Funny that its HIS car that had that tragic event happen to it. And I asked the dude, and it takes several months for the kind of wear witnessed on our tires to occur...meaning he was the one who hit something. Sweet irony.
It does get better, though. He attempted to suggest I shouldn't drive the expi anymore because people can steal things from it...when the theft occured while he was driving it and went unnoticed for so long ONLY because he was driving it.
Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against him...I just find all this incredibly funny. Along with my mom complaining I spend too little time at home when I've been here more than her in the last month. It pays to not travel on buisness. :D

I stopped by Guitar Center today to ask about mics and audio hubs (particularly the digidesign mbox, as reccomended by Rob) and had a nice chat with a dude there named Ron (I think...it was over 8 hours ago, my memory is kinda sketchy now). He was incredibly knowledgable and promised to cut me a deal when/if I returned. The best part was he had already done the same basic thing I was looking to do (set up a recording studio in his basement) and knew several tricks to keep the cost down. All I need to do now is convince my parents of two things:
1. The noise produced by this project will be kept to a minimum, limited to daylight hours, and not impact their sleep at all. They're afraid because of how late I stay up playing the guitar...really loud. This point should be easy, just promise not to and attempt to stick to it.
2. That I deserve the 5-6 hundred in funds (and space in the basement) my project will require. I do have the money myself, but its always better if someone else foots the bill. This taks may well be impossible...I'd settle for permission to go ahead with it using my own money, perhaps with a deal that they'll pay me back some of it if I record myself and/or my sister and send the recordings to relatives. Both of us hate performing for them, its a huge bargining chip (I hope).

The only other potential setback is time. Suffice to say I won't have any in about 4 or 5 weeks. Football WILL own me, along with the schoolwork that follows on its tail. I theoretically will be able to squeeze sports and school in with hobbies (audio/video projects) but my parents may not agree. My "sterling" academic record may convince them, though the two (or was it three?) b+'s I pulled (and my inability to remember and care how many/what subjects they were in) last year are slightly detrimental to this cause. I shall press ahead valiently, though. The rewards brought by success are more than worth the effort. Consider: I will have gained hugely valuable skills and experience in two fields I'm interested in pursuing (to some degree) in later life. Perhaps my dream is to someday have a wonderful, decent paying job in the day and be able to do sweet stuff like this at night and on weekends (and bring in extra cash and have fun). Furthermore, there are a few people who I really want to record. Ok, scratch that...there are quite a few. Think of all the musicians I know who would NEVER consider going to a regular studio. Think of all that talent never being really realized because of a lack of time and opportunity. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect to turn anyone into a pop star...but its certainly possible some good could come from this. And I price checked cd's...I can get "professional" quality cd-r's (basically really good demo disks) made for less than a dollar apeice. Most bands charge roughly 5 bucks for such things...I could profitably produce them for 3. Figure profits split evenly with the artist, and I might make some nice pocket cash. That's merely an added bonus, though...this project would focus on acts I enjoy and primarily benefit myself, them, and their families. After all, who doesn't want to hear their angel in full high fidelity glory?

A question to any piano players who read this: how good of a piano does one really need? Can a simple keyboard come close to measuring up to a full grand piano? Would a more advanced keyboard suffice? This is an important detail as pianos are so common musically. Strings and winds are easy to deal with, as they simply require their own mic and all musicians of quality have access to their own, and they're portable. Drums are harder, but software programs can do a decent job emulating a drum set. They are also reasonably portable too. Pianos, though, are not easily moved. I have developed a backup plan for if recording on a "real" piano ever becomes neccessary, however (this is also my plan for if I need to record a full band): simply move my equipment into one of the rooms in the PAC and utilize the school's equipment. Things are even easier when you consider that I can use a laptop for the actual recording and not bother mixing until I'm back at home. But I do have a rather old keyboard sitting in my basement that might suffice...I'm hoping this is the case, its less messy.

Second backup (which I doubtfully would ever need...but you never know) is to look into using ThereAfter's basement studio. I've heard tell its much more complete than my little project ever would be...its possible I could use some or all of their equipment (maybe even record on their setup?) and then mix and edit the audio at home. Anything is possible. It does seem that this little studio is a realistic goal, and one worth pursuing. That in mind, feel free to offer arguements for or against to me anytime until I make the actual purchase. :D

My video aspirations are slightly more dubious. As most of you know, I edited and burned the playwriting festival onto dvd this year. To my knowledge, that was the first case of inhouse production of video done by the Jesuit Drama Dept....in the past they've outsourced the labor, which was far more costly than my "no value added" services. Whether or not I will continue to pursue this course in the next year is questionable...it is time consuming, which is bad, and wasn't really "officially" sponsored by the school or publicized. Were either of those to occur, I'd have to do better work on it. And would hopefully be compensated for my time...but that's not likely. I'll still talk to Jeff and Elaine about what they want once things get underway this year, though. What's more sobering is the sad admission that the privately produced "movie" I've claimed to be helping work on for over a year now (and held auditions for, even) seems to be stagnant. There's a partial script, sure, and it looks good...but when on earth are we actually gonna do this? Other parties have a vested interest in its completion, and I just really wanna do it, but nothing seems to happen...and I think I might be the only one bothered by that. Oh well. In theory I could go ahead and produce a movie on my own, but it would never get done. I could never write and finalize a script, or cast actors, or even do a good job directing without some sort of reason for it all. My little french movie project turned out well enough, but that was to save my ass by pulling my grade up in the class. It was fun, though...I should put that on the web and let y'all take a look at my total lack of talent...the actors did a pretty good job, though.

I want...I crave...I demand...I destroy myself by searching for: perfection. It doesn't exsist in this world, it seems. Everytime something is good, or great, or seemingly the best, there's something wrong, a fly on the window, a scratch on the paint, a thorn on the rose. Sure, something can be "perfectly itself", but what the hell does that mean? "We're all unique and perfect because we're us!" Load of crap fed to you (me...us?) by people determined to make everyone feel good. Its a admirable goal, once I used to share. Its impossible, though. Why purse what you can never catch? But I still want...need...to find something perfect. Its like it would provide some sort of validation to life, some proof that what I desire so badly actually exsists and I haven't been wasting (my admitadly short and somewhat meaningless anyway...how much can one really accomplish as a child?) life and grasping at smoke. The more I beleive something is pefect, though, the harder it is to embrace its flaws. The perfect ideals in my mind replace the real thing and leave me disapointed and saddened when the myth fades to reality. Its like trying to hug a sobbing child only to have it bite you in the neck and run away laughing. Or something. I want things to be right, I want people to be alright, I want the world to be that warm giving open LOVING place I see it as...and other people just walk away, treating my wholehearted attempts as a feeble joke or a blatant attack on their person. (Please don't read too far into that and assume I'm talking about something you did...the odds are highly in favor that you DIDN'T do anything...but then, there aren't that many people that I really think needed help and refused it so painfully. But still, I doubt they're reading this, so go ahead and assume its not you. :D) Sure, some people are fine with my seeming insanities and even embrace me for them. I cannot thank some of you enough for your tolerance...or even more for the fact you don't see it as such.
Heh, I've spent about an hour (off and on...I'm also watching a movie at the same time) writing this and feel far more sentimental now than at the begining. This always seems to happen when I write here. Must be the atmosphere.
Last friday was a perfect example of this tolerance/support...I was acting weird, even for me. Musta been the exercize or sugar...or something. Chemical imbalance in the brain? Regardless, I went through a good 20 hours as a hyper, touchy-feely-clingy dude with a poor sense of judgement and a desire to try and make everyone happy, or at least come close. Not to mention my excessive enthusiasm in my retelling of certain stories or coaching of a certain driver to greater speeds and feats. I still can't beleive you didn't slap me at some point. ;D (I woulda slapped me if I hadn't been so "high on life" or whatever. :D)

These ramblings have gone on far too long...I really should get some sleep. Apparently, I'm going to meet with a girl to tutor her in math tomorrow. I should really warn her that she embarks on this at her own risk...she sounded so eager when I talked to her, though, and it is all Dr. G's fault for reccomending me to her. Maybe things will work out fine...hopefully.

Considering my luck of late, anything could happen.

The Thermals are the band of the night, with these being the prefered lyrics:

Hardly art, hardly starving
Hardly art, hardly garbage
Hardly art, hardly starving
Hardly art, hardly garbage

More colored liquid
No scent, no skin
More stained paper
More parts per million
No new deafness
No self-reference
No cults and
No false stands
No one ideal
Know what I feel
No two the same
Know two with the same name

Hardly art, hardly starving
Hardly art, hardly garbage
Hardly art, hardly starving
Hardly art, hardly started

More colored liquid
No scent, no skin
More stained paper
More parts per million
No new deafness
No self-reference
No getting psyched on
No culture icons
No one ideal
Know what I feel
No two the same
Know two with the same name
No one ideal
Know what I feel

Oh oh oh

Hardly art, hardly starving
Hardly art, hardly garbage
Hardly art, hardly starving
Hardly art, hardly garbage

More colored liquid
No scent, no skin
More stained paper
More parts per million
No new deafness
No self-reference
No getting psyched on
No culture icons
No one ideal
Know what I feel
No two the same
Know two with the same name
Eyes so deep
You'd never see through
I can't fuckin' stop
Thinking about you

I thank you God for this most amazing day...

Stolen from one of my Plunge leaders. Which reminds me...I need to lock him in a studio sometime. Something to do later this month, I guess.

But today really rocked. Daily runtdown: started the morning by lifting. I got there late but we were still done in record time. Hung around for a bit, tried to change the code on my car (and failed) and then played a game of three on three kickball. I sucked at it, but it was a good workout, and I didn't get out every time. :D

After that was tech, which began with a true revelation. Not only did Rob give me two brownies (which tasted great) but he's a mac user AND a sound dude. He was able to provide some most helpful ideas for setting up a studio in my basement (cartiod mic from Guitar Center, MBox, Logic Pro, etc.). Last year I admit I thought he was kinda weird...he did hit on both my female friends at tech. He still does a little, but he does it more in the way that I do...its not hitting on, its all in fun. Rob rocks. (Oh, and he's a pyro with flashpaper. This could be fun.)
In addition, my "crew" finished their tasks today with flying colors. Yesterday was bad because nothing got done and what did get done was done wrong.
But the absolute best part was rachel cutting metal. Picture this: rachel, white tank top, man's khaki pants, metal cutter thingy, surpirsingly attractive goggles, white resperator thingy, and SPARKS EVERYWHERE! It was like...I dunno...something from a movie. Yeah, it was hot. I, of course, told her and everyone who would listen that it was incredibly hot. I think she found it kind of awkward. This, however, is what happens when you mention you're afraid you're not girly enough. I feel obliged to point out all moments of extreme sexiness. Be forewarned.
At three there was the traditional trip for food. Dunno entirely how I ended up driving, but I loved being back behind the wheel of my baby.
Ater tech we saw Anchorman (WHICH WAS INCREDIBLE!) and then went to two separate AandW's (because the first was closed). Gets better though. I ended up riding shotgun in rach's car with dylan in the backseat. It was a grand race, with like 6 cars. Rach is an extremely conservative driver...she's very safe to ride with, but I want her to race. Somehow, I got her too...she won't admit it, but that girl was cruisin'. AND she made aggressive lane changes. Only problem was when ken pulled an incredibly insane illegal pass on the right to gain the lead. She got kinda freaked out, I think. But she FOUGHT THROUGH IT! We ended up third car, and she smiled most of the way there. She'll be a speed addict in no time.

Maggie, Ken, Mikee, and Cynda met up with us at the movie...random chance. The only sad event was karolyn got stuck at home, after being invited by three separate people to see the same movie.

As always when I have a great day, I must make some apologies. I'm sorry to anyone (especially rach...and spence, I guess :D) who I made uncomfortable today...y'all know me when I'm hyper, touchy-feely and loud. Good times though. I also must say to one whom I care about that I'm sorry. I didn't intend to challenge you, only to offer help. You know by now that everything I do towards you is done in a friendly fashion...I'm not your enemy. I don't think... >_< But really...you know I'm here for you. Please don't shut me out again.

Oh, and caite...I'm terribly sorry. My phone literally died. None of the atandt phones around got any service. I didn't notice that my phone wasn't working at first and assumed you had decided to stay home. By the time I realized you called, it was well after the movie was over. >_< It was due to circumstances outside my control, but I still feel bad. Just know that I didn't intentionally ditch you. :(

Oh, and AP scores came today. And a girl wants me as a math tutor. All in all, a most excellent day.

Unbiased Media?

Ok, so I'm naive. And I don't watch TV much. But tonight, I walked over to turn off the tele my sis had left on, and was shocked but what confronted me. A "major news network" first politely bashed kerry and edwards and then proceeded to encourage people to call their senator in propotion of the constitutional amendment to "save marriage". To begin with, this is not at all unbiased. I would be equally offended if someone were pushing a liberal agenda and they were the one giving me the news. But what's worse, this wasn't some guest speaker or something. This was the friggen anchorman! Honestally. How can we trust these people to serve as watchdogs over the government?

Dodgeball rocks, by the way...now iSleep.

Summer Tech...

I'm quite surpised by tech this year, actuallly. To begin with, my little sister is doing it. In the weeks before tech, I rather dreaded this event, as I thought it would severely limit the fun I could have. Don't wanna corrupt young minds, afterall. Despite these worries, after 2 days of tech there don't seem to be any real problems. Sure, its gonna be a pain driving home before and after tech to get her, but i can deal with that. Plus, it ensures my parents don't complain overly about how much time I spend away from the house.
Also, this year there are many more seniors (and juniors/sophs) that I know. And possibly even more younger kids that I don't know. This creates a rather different dynamic to the group, at least in my mind. Another huge change is scott and rachel being "in charge" on a par with rob and ryan and the four of them actuallly doing the unthinkable...placing a group of youngsters under my direction. Yeah, John is experienced now. I honestally never expected that...last year, I spent all my time trying to get into a good group where I could just work. Now, I have to actually THINK about what's going on and try and plan stuff out. We'll see what happens when it comes to actual building...hopefully I won't need to design anything without assistance. That would definately qualify as a scary prospect for me.
Also, the social dynamics of the tech group have changed again. Last year, we all hung as a rather large group most of the time. Some people were dating, but that didn't mess with things at all because they both had the same friends. Now, though, things seem almost weird...some of my friends will not hang out with others of my friends, though none of the parties involved seem to acknowledge this. And with dating, I doubt a friend will date a friend this year. Already its more pulling people away than pulling them together. Yeah, I'm a selfish *insert clever name here*. I like things to be all worked out with none of those icky social problems. Not very likely, though. I shall just deal, as always.
An example of the disunity this year is that there were something like three separate "post tech thing" parties last night (of course, they weren't all thrown for techies but there were several techies at each). Had I actually been able/up for attending any of them, I would have been extremely torn as to which to go to. These things are hard. Luckily for me, I was tired enough that I didn't argue when my mom asked that I stay home (it was already almost 9:30 anyways...2 hours isn't a ton of time). I think from now on I'll be planning everthing a hair more in advance to avoid difficult choices. That being said, I'm now busy both friday afternoon and next tuesday night. And you should never expect me to skip any of the volunteer sessions unless there's a hell of a good reason for it. And no, THAT reason doesn't count. ;D

I need to go lift...my wordiness is detracting from my time to grow stronger. I may post more tonight depending on how tired I am.

Pushing Tin and revelation

Today I ended up at blockbuster with some cash and no idea what I wanted to rent. As I wandered down the aisles, two films more or less jumped out and grabbed me. One was "Pushing Tin"...the only thing attractive about it, at first, was John Cusac's face splashed across the cover. On the merits of this alone, I decided to get it. The other was Spinal Tap because I SWEAR someone told me something about it. I haven't seen it yet, but hopefully they told me something good.

I realized something during Pushing Tin, though. Well, I didn't realize it so much as it sunk in. We truely are our own worst enemies. If you haven't seen the film, and intend to, stop reading now as I'm going to blatantly spoil parts of it because that's the kind of heartless person I am. :D

Ok. Cusac has a lovely wife who madly adores him. He also loves her, he just doesn't realize how much. He gets a bit tipsy and ends up sleeping with another dude's wife. This literally drives him crazy. He starts suspecting his own wife is cheating on him, he can't live with himself, he can't do his job, he's a total wreck. But there's no one to blame but himself...he chose to have an affair and then he also let that drive him crazy. I see myself in him, I think. I'll do something stupid, or I'll let my self get a little out of control, and then allow something tiny to drive myself mad.
A friend asked me once why a particular potential bothered me so much, or why I would make such a big deal out of it if it happened. I was quite surprised by this reaction as, at the time, I figured I had the moral high ground in the debate. After all, its common sence that some thing are wrong, right? For example, if I went out and killed someone, that would be wrong. Same way if I went out and started using drugs, that would also be wrong. And that's still true, to an extent at least. Don't get me wrong, there are moral laws. But the catch is, just because someone does something "wrong" does not mean it needs to affect relationships. If a friend of mine were to begin seriously using drugs, making a rational choice that this was what they wanted, I would have no right to get self righteous and preach to them about how wrong their lifestyle is, blah blah blah. And if the fact that they were using drugs bothered me, that would really be MY problem, not theirs. I would be blaming them for my own insecurities and intolerance. That's the true wrong.
See, this very thought, that someone I cared about and trusted had become a person of poor moral fiber (or something) tore me up for a few weeks. Every time I was around them, it nagged at the back of my mind. I kept half watching them out of the corner of my eye to see if they'd suddenly reveal that they were now some terrible person. I no longer felt fully able to trust them...hell, I felt betrayed that my friend would stoop so low. As for dealing with it, I decided to pretend it didn't exsist, that the person I cared for was still that perfect angel I held so dearly to in my mind. We all want our own little piece of perfection, after all. It would be pure hubris to aspire to such heights ourselves...besides, we plainly see all of our own faults and failings. It is only the mistakes of others that we can easily gloss over and ignore. Fantasies, shadows of the real that we love so much we would rather trash the true person and let our visions take their place. That is so ugly. "It is not spoon that bends...it is yourself." Think about that. The "wrong" in the world: is it really in the world, or is it in you? Those things you hate about others: do you hate them because they really are "bad" or do you hate them because you despise those traits in yourself?

Can you even accept who you are? Until you can, you will never be able to accept anyone else. And until you can accept someone, you cannot truely care for them.

All the "pain" I've ever felt, all those times I hated someone or something...I really have hated myself. There were times sophmore year that I seriously wanted to pound this one guy until he couldn't get up. I thought, somehow, that once I did that, once he was "punished" for his loud and obnoxious flaws, that I'd somehow feel better. His "flaws", however, were really just visible reflections of my own. He did, said, and acted how that little part of myself that I hate more than anything wanted to do, talk, and behave. I would look at him and see everything about me that was wrong and wish that once and for all I could vanquish it into some black oblivion and that then, and only then, would things be right.

Almost two years later, I haven't destroyed that part of myself (and not for lack of trying). I will still argue and dispute any characterization of myself as a "nice" or "good" individual...that's really not the light I see myself in. No, I don't have low self esteem...I just fully acknowledge I do some really mean and cruel things sometimes. Right now, I'm still visualizing all the painful things I can do once I know for certain what b*stard took my shit from my car. I don't like that. Most of you probably noticed how I'll often act tough and rarely do anything about it. That's not strictly just a front. Sometimes it is an act, and those are the good times. Joking around is fun, it keeps you relatively sane. Sometimes, though, its just a taste of what I could become. Bottle up enough emotion long enough and it becomes overpowering. Luckily for me, I have some healthy ways to release it (football, anyone?). Still, there is no excuse. I hope the next time I get overly pissed or preachy someone will dump some icewater over my head. And then run faster than me so I don't do something I'll later regret.

Hey, if you actually read this, gimme one or two movie reccomendations...only movies that are out on DVD, and ones you don't think I've seen yet. I've been going through them like crazy and my little list of movies to watch grows shorter every day...would hate to have to stoop to asking the dude at the store what movie HE thinks I should get.

It's about the little things...

This week seems to have stretched since school got out. No joke. This afternoon, I began thinking back through everything that's happened in the last 5 days (which constitutes "this week") and it felt like a good month or so. Crazy.

Everyone's back now, though kenny just left again today. Good part is I got to hang with him several times before he headed west...who knows, I may even pull a mini road trip early next week to visit the man. That would be very sweet. Also, I've now seen everyone who went away, at least for a little while. Irked a few people (as always :D), made up again, and all is right in my little world. The biggest difference, I think, since last year is in ourselves. I took my sister shopping today and so I had several quality minutes in the gap to think over how things are and how things were. Really, we've changed a lot. People who used to be shy are now brave, those who once were self-reliant to the point of exclusion will now let others in, those who once smiled and said pretty nothings will now readily admit the truth, those who were once jealous are now joyful, those who were once afraid are now couragous, and those who were once here are now gone.
Wow, that was pure literary crap. It appears my inability to express emotion in concrete sentences has not changed.
Regardless, in many ways everyone has grown up a little. But the thing that really amazes me is how genuinely good people still are. It really renews my hope to observe that a year, and all the events contained within it, could not change that. Its almost enough to convince me we will always be this way. Hope springs eternal.
Please don't get me wrong, though...not everything is "ideal" and perfect in this little world. People are still petty, and obsessive, and mean-hearted, and forgetful (especially me!) and continually able to induce stress and pain in to both their lives and the lives of those around them. But all of that is insignificant compared to the caring and honest love you can see in these wonderful people. I'm sure you all know who you are as you read this: you are the ones who for one reason or another have chosen to go out of your way and demonstrate love (more specifically, you've done this when I've noticed or heard about it). That, for those of you who went, is the true legacy of the Encounter. And perhaps the Plunge. Perhaps I can go so far as to say that is God acting through you. Perhaps not...that might be a stretch even for me. It is no matter what exactly is the cause, though, for whatever the reason it is truely great. I can, will all sincerity, state that I have never had better friends. The amazing part is, though, not that you fellas are good to me, but that you are good to each other and to other people around you. That's what inspires me.

What is truely ironic is the incredible shift between last summer and this summer. Last year I had huge, huge expectations for the year. On the fourth day of doubles, those expectations kinda tanked with a lovely trip to the ER. That sparked off what was surely the most...interesting, I guess, year of my life. A summer of anticipation followed by a year of highs and lows. Last summer, I don't think I noticed any stress in anyone I was around. It was probably there, I just didn't see it. Now, though, I have no high anticipations. Football, sure, will rock...but college applications won't. But now that I kinda dread the school year, and notice tons of stress in people I'm close to, I feel great. I check today to make sure I shouldn't feel guilty for this and my trusty confidant/advisor/whatever-the-hell-you-wanna-call-that-good-friend told me it was ok. So guilt free, I can happily state that life is friggen amazing. If you disagree...well, you have my sympathies.

I've also rediscovered adreniline rushes. As you might be able to tell, I'm on the tail end of one right now, hence the rather chaotic writing style and lack of true coherency. Who cares, eh?

I think the most important thing that's been happening for me lately has been the realization of several lessons a friend has been trying, intentionally or not, to teach me. Long bantering discussions always seem to focus around some sort of moral truth about life. Rarely, if ever, did these lessons really sink in for me. It was more common for me to understand some line or emotion from a film ("No woman in the history of the world is having better sex than sex you are having with Ian... in my head. " and the painful reaction this visage caused) or from music ("This house is full of eyes, but I can't look at anyone, they've seen this face a thousand times...the most relaxing thing I do is hang halfway out a third floor window and look at rocks...") but never those little tidbits of wisdom one far wiser than myself tried so hard to impart upon me. I would always question, thinking I sought answers, but lose the answer through the very questions I asked. Some of the many things I have learned, or rather, realized:
Lies, truth...it doesn't really matter. We never are decieved, we just decieve ourselves. Regardless of the reality, the memories we make are real and always will remain such, even if the future goes awry.
Questioning constantly gets you no where if you cannot listen and understand the answers. Silence can be louder and more meaningful than a thousand empty words.
Love really is the greatest feeling on earth, even if its just some 4 year old thanking you for a cookie. While actively seeking out love will get you no where, passively searching your life for it can reveal it all around you. Not that having someone you can love and admit it to, and who does the same to you, isn't great too.
You just have to trust. No one can really make it easier for you, no amount of precautions will save you from pain, nothing can really lessen the risk after a point. Reach that point and jump without a second thought...some days you'll fall, some days you'll fly. Try to surround yourself with people who will let you fly instead of forcing you to fall.
Only take things seriously when they need to be taken seriously. Never, never, never make a big deal out of something that's not. Examine and criticize yourself before presuming to judge others. Most often the things that bother us in them are the very things we hate and ignore about ourselves.
Don't be afraid to dream, just remember to separate your dreams from you reality. Accept life for what it is, don't pretend its something better. Embrace it with all the ugliness and scars and pain, for only then can you appreciate the love and beauty and sunshine. Oh, and the same things goes doubly for people. People are flawed, it makes the even more beautiful.
Never risk sacraficing something meaninful to you over something meaningless. Think before speaking in critical moments, strive to do so in life. Think twice before speaking with emotion. Don't let emotion build inside of you without a release...better to let some air out of the ballon then let it explode.
Above all else, do the best that you can in the situations presented to you. If you can, trust in God. He will see you through it all.
Creation doesn't always need to be shared...sometimes the joy it brings its creator is enough. Shared creation, however, can bring joy to countless people.

That's all that I've got for now, I'm sure more will come later.

I used to think I was lucky...now I begin to realize I'm more blessed...we're all blessed. Embrace that.

Alkaline Trio is still the music du semain.

"At least we're still friends, at least we're still alive...you're my angel, you little devil..."

"I wanna wake up naked
next to you
kissing the curve
in your
CLAVICLE!"

(Best ananomical reference in a song ever. Trust me. Plus...who knows where a clavicle is? I do now!)

"It’s everything that I can do right now
To not think about you moving further off
With every passing second
Every night of this lonely summertime
I feel it missing from my heart
A part was kicked back from my soul
Well I can hardly wait
Until I get the sun and your lips both pressing on my skin
Well I can hardly wait
Until I feel that thrill in my heart that starts inside your
eyes
And the song in my head that burns so good on my tongue"

They call it "Blue Carolina" because Matt Skiba had just broken up with his girlfriend and missed her. I see it more as a song of hope...sure, bad shit happens in life, people part ways, but there's always that hope...

Do you have hope?