I wrote up what I considered a wonderful entry the other night (sunday night) and apparently deleted it instead of posting it...either that, or the server ate it. Who knows. I'm far too busy/lazy to redo it, but I'll summerize it by saying Sunday was the perfect end to summer, and possibly one of the best days. I got to get to know some people I just met this summer, spent an hour in a car with my good friend and fixed her iRock, ate tons of food, swam up rapids (and down them), stargazed, laughed at the skinny people when they froze their asses off and then held them to make it up to them, and threw things like some sort of weak cave man. All in all, an awesome day. Oh, and I got to help a friend celebrate her birthday, too, which rocked.
I am perhaps mentally ready for school now, though I'm pretty sure I don't have all my work done. Scratch that, I know its not done. Now to hope Benware doesn't try and collect it the first day...
This movie was...interesting. It wasn't what I thought it'd be, which is funny, since I had little idea what it would be about. The cinematography was excellent, my only complaint was that it was subtitled. Dubbed wouldn't have been THAT much better, but I hate having to focus on little subtitles instead of hearing the actor actually speak. Its just different, I guess.
Registered today, and it went well. Got to see a lot of people, which was also cool. Parking spot #070, locker number 424...go figure. The first practice today went well, but was long. Actually, the most memorable part was one one friend sat in the top row of the bleachers, looked around trying to figure out where we were, then did a little strip tease. Most distracting. ;D
Second practice, though, was really hard. I got pretty dehydrated and my head felt like it was splitting into peices. Tiny, tiny peices. I survived, though...now to get through tomorrow...
Maggie and I noticed the symphonic part to "Come On" was used during a preview for an otherwise bland looking film. I might have to see it now... >_<
One more day of doubles.
Grant me strength.
I was thinking to myself that it was a pity nothing more interesting than me ordering a pizza from Round Table happened today, when a group of people decided that John might like a krispy creme.
Yes. After scaring my dogs and convincing my dad they were trying to do something to my car, I walked out to confront a blonde runner, a roaring raptor impersonator, a giggling girl, a beeming boyscout, and a frolicing female. Alright, I'm really tired and stoked on sugar, these epthithets are pretty lame. But I'm trying!
They also had a box of krispies. For me. Friggen A!
My night, or possibly my day, was just made. Ironically, what touched me the most was not the doughnuts, which are just extremely good food, nor the hugs, which jesbians exchange nonchalantly sometimes, but the smiles and looks in their eyes. These were happy people who were happy to see me. And that means the world.
And hey...that extra krispy placated my father nicely.
Now I need sleep. Lots of it.
But to you...thanks a ton.
And you...I love you. But you already knew that, didn't you? ^ ^
I've been doing a ton of defence the last few days and have accumulated a total of 14 tackles as of this point. In contrast, I think I've had maybe three before this in all of my highschool football career. This is fun.
Its a good thing I have another practice, though...I'm feeling rather annoyed right now and an opportunity to beat the shit outta someone sounds like the perfect thing for me. Or perhaps the opportunity to have the shit beaten out of me will take my mind off it. ^ ^
My friend made me listen to this song last night and it became rather stuck in my head, so I'll share the lyrics with y'all.
Come On - Ben Jelen
And finally the silence
Looking out, looking back across the sky
Trying to find a meaning
Knowing that I just left it all behind
Still I smell a lingering softness
Where did she go
How did she go
I wanna wanna know
I wanna know that she'll be coming here to me
[CHORUS:]
Come on
Without you I'll never feel the love inside of me
Come on, you know that we belong
Come on, come on, come on, come on
Thinking back before her
I never knew the meaning of alone
Still the flag is feeling foreign
I live the day to escape into a phone
Speaking of a world not real then
Where did she go
How did she go
I wanna wanna know
I wanna know that she'll be coming here to me
[CHORUS]
Cause shes sharp for kisses
And my heart misses
She's coming
She's coming here to me
I'm needing
Desiring to kiss her now
I'm living for her
Breathing for her
Singing for her fairytale
[CHORUS (2x)]
Come on..
Listened to a ton of Ben Fold and Third Eye Blind today, and I really like it.
We took my dad out to dinner at a new italian place too, and it was rather good...real european style service. (Read: slow, but enjoyable for being slow).
The title for tonight was inspired by the song and by life. No, I don't care to explain...I'm not sure I can, so any attempt would be futile. Suffice to say there are moments in life where you think you'll feel sad or jealous or lonely or some other negative emotion, and when you reach that moment you just feel unbearably good. Thank you.
Yeah, I know I originally said I'd never get a blog. Too public and all that. And then I said I would absolutely, positively never be one of those posers with more than one. Well, somehow, I now am. :D Though perhaps I'm not a poser...I try to be very real. This "public diary" of sorts shall continue in the same vein it always has: me ranting my thoughts and generally entertaining myself while sounding insane. The Four Horsemen, however, is a joint effort founded (and led) by Ben and supported by Mikee, Ken, and myself. I imagine it will be loads more informative and entertaining...the other three writers, at least, are all witty as hell, and most hilarious too. :D I shall do my best to continue providing quality content in both venue's, hopefully leading to the eventual improvement of mankind. Or maybe just of myself.
Oh, the link to the Four Horsemen is http://mmmgravy.blogspot.com/ . Go over and check it out, then leave a little message saying you did. It would be most kind of you.
Yesterday ended up being a very good day, and mostly through a somewhat bizarre series of coincidences. See, Friday night Scotty reminded me that Miko's going away part was in fact on the 21st, not the 28th like I thought. Meaning I could go. Seeing as how I'd planned on watching movies and stalking ken all day, I decided going to miko's was a good idea. I mentioned in passing to misha that night that she should come to miko's too. So I ended up taking misha to miko's. Then, when miko's was winding down, we still had an hour before misha needed to be at work, so we decided to drop in on kenny and his woodworking. He mentioned I should come to St. Juan Diago with him at 5 o'clock. I decided this would be a good idea, after all, it kept me from going home. Recalling that just minutes earlier misha had called cynda to ensure she had a ride home from work, and that cynda wasn't doing anything, and furthermore that cynda had been interested in looking at different churches, I decided I should also call cynda. After an insane, speeding drive from ken's to misha's work to Juan Diago, I ended up really enjoying mass with my two amigos. The priest was really cool too; he brought his dog into the church and set him free during the homily to emphasize how much God loves each of us. Then, after mass, it started to rain. I ran outside yelling and dancing around quite merrily, and was actually joined by ken after a minute. Cynda began yelling a few minutes later, but for quite a different reason...all of her windows were down. We all headed over to kenny's where I learned how to help make salad and then we got a pizza too. I felt incredibly guilty eating more of Mrs. Colwell's food without paying, but at least I helped cook this time. Then, after numerous calls from patty, we headed over to his place and met up with doug before starting a massive game of risk (which, of course, ken ended up winning :D). Partway through, cynda went and got maggie and misha, though all three of them seemed rather tired when they returned.
This is a perfect example of the impromptu nature of most of my social events these days. Why spend tons of effort working to plan things when all it takes to have fun is a few friends and an open mind? I also felt slightly bad knowing there was a high possibility that there were some friends just sitting at their houses that night, but after a great deal of thought, I've come to the conclusion that its not something I should really let bother me. One person pointed out to me that it made no sense to worry over whether someone felt bad about it because you cannot please everyone all the time. Trying to get every single person I consider a friend involved always would be flatly impossible. Trying to get most of them involved is on the verge of impossible. Furthermore, there are times such large crowds are not possible, regardless of whether I can get them all in one place. For example, a large group could not have gone to ken's or pat's and just shown up randomly, and people who aren't close to miko (or weren't invited) shouldn't show up to miko's. Its fine to bring a ton of people to a movie, but what do you do when you know your plans for after the movie can only contain a limited number of people? What is the nicest thing to do? Call someone to invite them to one thing with the knowledge you will have to ditch them afterwards or ditch your plans afterwards, or acknowledge that you cannot call everyone?
My calander is basically full for the foreseeable future. I have football every morning and early afternoon/evening this week and cannot stay out late any night except saturday. Registration is on friday, where I will hopefully see everyone again. Sunday I have no practice but its already been booked. I also have two practices the monday before school starts. Basically, if you have some desire to see me socially, you can call the cell sometime during the day but know that I'm probably not free. Football now officially owns me.
Been listening to some interesting stuff lately...Ben Kweller, Maria Mena, Superchick, Green Day, Garden State OST, and of course ak3.
Wasted and Ready - Ben Kweller
"Why am I dealing with this feeling?
I'm maxed out like a credit card.
I'll continue to be my worst enemy.
It's easy but it seems so hard.
You're near but you seem so far.
I'm wasted but ready,
I'm running as fast as I can..."
In honor of the end of conditioning today, I took off the tape and bandage that had been covering my blistered finger and protecting it from infection. I was shocked to discover the entire area covered by the bandage was an eerie pale white. And wrinkled. And...dead feeling. I honestally couldn't feel anything touching between the two knuckles. I was positive I'd gone and killed my finger or something, or at least that bit of skin. However, my mom said she'd heard of that happening and that time should cure it nicely. And no need for chopping off valuable digits or any such messiness. I was most pleased. As of right now, it looks almost normal...I can't beleive its the same finger. It iches though, which is annoying.
And my quads are totally dead. Standing up hurts like a mother, and I try to avoid it. I also still have a bad headache...but at least I'm not dizzy anymore (or spaced out :D).
As I was leaving practice today, I called scotty to tell him I was going to have to be antisocial tonight because my mom wanted to eat with me. When he answered, I could hear some sort of singing, sung by a female voice. I was rather confused. Laughing, scott quickly explained that rach had wanted (and did, apparently) to sing to me. They had apparently decided to drive out to the field and greet me (and abduct me to Garden State) after conditioning was over. The plan would have worked perfectly had my mom not really wanted me home (I also had all my cash, and my change of clothes, at home...but I get the feeling both of these minor details would have been overlooked.) Then, at dinner, my mom insisted I order a steak instead of my usual hamburger (we were at beaches, where the steak is slightly overpriced...but as I discovered, well worth the money even if you get a crappy waitress who "forgets" to refill your water like 8 times in one night). My mom then took me to get TCBY.
What is important about this evening is not the details, nor even the fact that I was antisocial again. Or that I missed seeing a friggen awesome movie. No, what matters is that I realized how much little things can matter. As I sat in my basement, too sore to move (much less consider driving to find someone) it occured to me again how much people care for me. I don't deserve it, this much I know, but they still persist in doing it. And not just people like my mother, who has that hormonal attachement to her own children. No, these are people making a choice of their own free will to give a damn how johnny feels. And they don't even realize how touched I am that they would do. This almost feels like getting cookies. Not as powerful (it lacks sugar, after all ;D) but strong nevertheless. Love is a beautiful thing.
I am now going to go watch yet another movie (I just finished Unbreakable) and contemplate activities that I would desire to do tomorrow, since I won't be able to attend Bogrande's lineman extravaganza. Wanna do something? Leave me a message on aim or call me...I can almost guarentee you I'll be in no mood to be using the phone (getting up will take all my strength) but I fully intend to enjoy the day to the fullest.
I cleaned out a ton of spam comments from this thing today. The one that struck me (and now I kinda wish I hadn't deleted it) was an ad for some drug website. What was interesting was this quote, which made up the body of the comment:
The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright --
And this was very odd, because it was
The middle of the night.
-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
This, combined with comments made by others and Father Pat's homily at Lauren's mass, made me think again. (Yeah, I've been avoiding serious thought for the last few weeks...for some reason, things are easier when you just go with it instead of stopping and analyzing your life.) Whenever you look at someone's life, its like you're glimpsing them through a stain glass window, or a looking glass. You see everything tinted, the harsh black shadows are colored in amber and made beautiful by your simple detachment from the events you're witnessing. Or its as though everything is magnified; you see one aspect of their life but you cannot see beyond the limits of the looking glass through which you peer. But objects miles away seem so close you can reach out and touch them, so you THINK you know, but you can't really know what its like to be them. Its easy to envy a picture, it doesn't tell the full story.
I often fall victim to this myself. I look at someone else's life, someone else's attitude, their virtues, and see them as pefection, as a goal that I should strive to obtain to emulate. I allow myself to overlook their flaws and them in the best possible light. Then I end up crashing when one of their flaws stares me in the face and I can't ignore it anymore. That's why I took a little vaction from all this thought...the more I think about things, the less about them the like, the less happier I am. I think how happy I've been lately shows that I definately overreact to some things, but I still can't seem to change that. I'm working at it, I assure you...but I can't let go of everything that easily.
There's a ton of irony here, though...the people I draw strength from are the same ones who are the reason I need strength. I always made myself out to be indestructible, the one anyone could lean on (or at least, that's how a lot of people seem to have taken me to be). But what do you do when you find yourself filled with indescribible feelings of doubt and confusion? I have great friends, I know they'd listen and do everything they could to help, and I'm sure it would help...if I could only find the words. If only I could put my finger on whatever sliver is in my head, in my heart, slowly cutting me up. I know some of the triggers (though I can't avoid them) and I know that I could "cure" myself by letting go of something I care about very dearly...but its been so long I'm not even sure I can let go anymore. A huge thanks to everyone yesterday...I don't know why, but that was one of the best days this summer. Nothing spectarcular happened, and I hurt like hell (physically, that is) all day, but I loved every moment of it.
I stopped to think today, and I can't remember the last time I went downtown without you (well, without you or my family...but when I'm with my family, its not really going downtown). And then I realized I couldn't remember the last time one of those trips ended with a smile. That, I think, is why I'm thinking so much right now. Something changed, I just don't know if it was you or me. Or both. And I don't know how much things changed, because you still leave me with a smile every time we part. I do know that I'm a total bastard again...I know full well what I should say, and what I shouldn't, and I keep pushing you away. I always have. And then I turn around and blame it on you. I just can't understand myself sometimes...maybe I'm just scared of being totally happy. Would you be happier if I completely left you alone? I tried that, though, and you still came back to me, with that same smile. And I think its too late for that now, other things have been changing too. Ah well...love me or hate me, so long as you don't cut off the part of you that's me, I'll be ok.
I wish for a day I could see myself through other people's eyes. I can't figure out why they keep telling me what a good person I am, or trusting me like they do, or chosing to be so kind to me. I spent a day trying to get one person to, just for a moment, hate me and perhaps even show that hate by kicking my ass. I failed miserably. The things that I absolutely KNEW would piss them off I just couldn't do. Beleive me, I tried...and I failed. And then felt worse for knowing I'd tried to do that to someone I care about. I see all these mean and heartless things I do, but does anyone else?
I had a really odd dream last night...all I remember are the different fragments of it, not the strings that tied them together, but what I remember is rather vivid.
In one "scene", I was trying to figure out who'd robbed my house again and what they'd taken. I was scared they'd gotten my mom's computer, then realized it was upstairs. I went up to check on it, and the next thing I remember the police were there. I think I'd been shot or something, I know I was bleeding. And then the paramedic grabbed my arm and looked at it, and it suddenly didn't look like my arm...there were scars up and down it, forming words. I think they were many of the same song titles that I had on my planner last year. The guy sighed and started shaking his head, and commented that I must have shot myself. I wanted to scream that no, I knew someone else had done it but I couldn't make my mouth move. Then they put me in the ambulance and then I was back at pat's house, floating around in his pool with everyone. I saw the sky, and it was painted in various different pastals (like something out of Vanilla Sky?) and I seemed to think it was the most beautiful thing in the world. I must have still remembered the weird amublance, so I began looking at my arms and body. Instead of the scars that had been there before, there were things written in sharpie, like on a cast. I think the only one I could actually read said "I love you John!!" with a heart and was scrawled across my left forearm. I was rather bemused that the words weren't coming off at all in the water...this seemed strangely important somehow. I then had some sorta weird flashback to screwing around yesterday with the torpedo and that weird moment when I was laying on the bottom of the pool and thinking about how cool it was that the sunlight perfectly outlined my "oppontent" and for just an instant, everything seemed to be a dream. The ironic part of this is that this time I WAS dreaming it.
I spent most of breakfast trying to figure out what all this meant, and all I came up with was that it was a combination of many things that were on my mind before I fell asleep. I did manage to figure one thing out, though. There's a person that I've been feeling more and more comfortable around lately and I think I finally figured out why. They make me feel safe, and for some reason, I completely beleive that they would never hurt me or knowingly let harm come to me.
I started listening to 3EB again a couple of days ago...along with AK3, this might be a bad combination. I really love their work, but it seems all of their songs that I love are depressing, same as the trio. Can I really be as happy as I think I am if I'm constantly listening to sad songs? They have great guitar parts, though...
"The Background" - 3EB
"Everything is quiet since you're not around
And I live in the numbness now
In the background
I do the things we did before
I walk Haight Street to the store
And they say where's that crazy girl
You don't get drunk on red wine and fight no more...
The plans I make still have you in them
Cause you come swimming into view
And I'm hanging on your words
Like I always used to do
The words they use so lightly
I only feel for you
I only know because I carry you around
In the background
I'm in the background
Words they come and memories all repeat...
And I would never lie to you no
I would never lie to you no
I felt you long after we were through, we were through..."
"Blinded" - 3EB
"Just an old friend coming over
Now to visit you and
That’s what I’ve become
I let myself in
Though I know I’m not supposed to but
I never know when I’m done...
But when I see you
It’s like I’m staring down the sun
And I’m blinded
There’s nothing left to do
And still I see you
I never believe that things that they happen for a reason
And they never go as planned
I wanted to thank you for a vision that was lost that you returned
But you’re past where you understand...
Time it passes and it tells us what we’re left with
We become the things we do
Me, I’m a fool spent from defiance, yeah you got me but
I didn’t give up on you
But the rest is not a t-shirt or a swan song, no
Heat is born again and
It’s not easy being me
When I can’t promise I will mend
Or bend when you believe
That we are fixed now from our birth
And I’ve just fallen back to earth
Still you know I’ll try again
Cause I believe that we are lucky
We are golden
We have stolen manners in the days when we were one
So when I see you
In spite of all that we’ve become
I’m still blinded
But I’m still staring down the sun
When I see you..."
That was surpisingly long entry, and I didn't even mention what I really wanted to: today is the last day of the last year of conditioning for football, I came in 20 seconds under time for the 3 mile run, and it will all be over after one more hour of work. HOOAH!
So much I should really talk about and I'm too tired to mess with it now. Rent rocked last night, the Rally was cool today, rach's home, and I need sleep.
In order to make this entry worthwhile, I'll treat you all to the random clippings of lyrics and short writings that ended up in a text document over the last few days:
One Song, Glory...
"Find one song, glory, a song about love, from the soul of a young man...one song to redeem this empty life, time flies, and then no need to endure anymore, time dies..."
"I'll never show you my scarred and bleeding heart, for these wounds will find a perfect mate in your cold, emotionless eyes. Death comes slowly yet surely for dreamers; for though they fight it with all their might, ideals are always smashed by contact with reality, and nothing gold can stay."
"Girls are like grills...incredibly hot and waiting to burn without a second thought and both will go about their lives while you writhe in pain at their feet." (embelished for posterity's sake :D)
Take me back to the clouds where I was free to fly, this ground is cold and hard and I miss the winds loving embrace, whereas the ground only rises up to meet my face, propelled there by your sweet indifference, left there amid the shattered bits of what was once my reality.
...cause being free is just not meant for me...
Why oh why didn't I take the BLUE pill?
I'm going tonight, and can't wait! I'll edit this entry with details on the show later, suffice to say I expect it to be excellent.
This movie was amazing. Yes, its two am, and yes, I stayed up through it, and yes, it was worth it. I just wanted to say that. Thank you. :D
EDIT: it is fitting this was my 111th post. The movie deserved that honor.
I wanted to wake up today at 5:40, so I could take a long shower and have plenty of time to pick up Misha and drive to Scotty's. My alarm went off on time, but it didn't wake me. My vision swam into focus around 6:40, when I immedately realized I needed to leave over 20 mintues ago to be on time. I did a dead sprint to my contacts, grabbed some clothes off the floor, and stuck my head out the window as I drove to wake myself slightly. Ironically, both scotty and spence overslept.
No tickets this week, sadly, but we got a killer breakfast at the Cameo downtown. Then Cynda, Misha, Mikee, Doug, Spence, Scotty and I crashed at Scott's until I had to tutor and take Misha home. Tutoring normally lasts one to two hours...today it went for almost 5. I was burned out. I picked up Misha, we lifted, then headed to Scotty's again for food, caffine, and movies.
I was completely relaxed on the drive home...that hasn't happened in a while. I normally don't talk a lot to people one on one unless I have a real reason too...and I try to avoid being alone with most people because times are filled with awkward silences. I'm happy though...dunno why, but Mish seems able to keep me talking, and silences aren't awkward. I wonder if it isn't a change in me, though, because Sam and I also spent a while in my car the other day and there were very few awkward silences...perhaps I've learned to keep other people talking instead of feeling I always need to be saying something.
Regardless, a good friend made me realize the other night that I'm incredibly blessed, though i doubt they realized it. I had some fears throughout the year that a friend of mine was drifting away. Our relationship was different on the surface, but in reality it was the same. As much as I hate to admit it, though, I felt like my friend was almost being stolen from me, drawn in by other people and they no longer had any need for me. I managed to take it pretty gracioiusly and simply back off, cherishing the seemingly rare moments I had with my friend. A part of me was always a little bit bitter and jealous, though, for I hated to feel useless and abandoned. As usual, most of this was me overreacting, as I have established that my friend has not drifted away and was never stolen from me. I now feel incredibly guilty because the people I thought were stealing needed my friend more than I did, and are in fact amazing people. I can now happily say that they have gone from being "friends of friends" to my friends in their own right. And strangely, I already find myself trusting them and being trusted in return.
Lately, though, I've been realizing how talented I really am at picking up on what people really mean from what they say. Gotta be from the long hours spent with female companions who never seem to say what they mean. ;D
However, this is a mixed blessing...I know there is something I should do, I just don't know how to do it. And an opportunity seems to escape me. If I weren't so incapable of having deep conversations on the phone, this would be much easier. (heh, mary, you're the only one I've ever spent a significant amount of time talking to on the phone. :D) Regardless, I will find a way. Once the right path lies before you, taking the first step becomes easy, for it is only when I don't know what to do that I am forced to do nothing.
Regardless, though, this will be hard. Maybe one of the hardest things I've ever vowed to myself that I'll do. Football comes in less than a week and without time, I cannot accomplish my goals. Still...it will be done, for it must be done. Maybe I'm overreacting again...but I promised long ago there were a few things I would never let myself underreact to, because I could never live with myself if that were the case. Too many regrets already, too many things overlooked. Perhaps it was all preperation for this situation. Does God put us somewhere and show us something for a reason? Is it all chance? Surely there is a cause behind this, for it is too unlikely to be a coincidence. And I seem to be the only one really interested in it. Leaving me to act.
yeah...I need to sleep...
RENT TOMORROW NIGHT!!!!
Friday is the Kerry rally downtown, I'm thinking we should meet at sunset tc around 9:15, meaning I'll probably be leaving my house around 8 to pick people up. Talk to me if you need a ride. Though you might end up stuck with me all day, as it sounds like I won't be coming back towards my house for a while.
Please, never forget or ignore the simple fact that I love you. They are not empty words, this is not something meaningless...every hug is a silent attempt to express this feeling. Never let yourself feel alone for you are never without a friend.
amazing how much things can change based on attitude. Woke up today, watched some old movie, went shopping and to lunch with my mom, saw the village with everyone, headed to george's giant burgers with everyone, then went to cynda's and played poker and used her trampoline. I launched Rach a good six feet in the air a few times. It was fun.
And I finally got my resolution...and things are ok. I dunno how, but they are. Go figure. Hugs erase all scars, as do smiles and laughter.
Tomorrow I'm gonna try and haul myself up to STM and see Mikee and Doug...hopefully I'll get up in time. Heh.
...and I absolutely loved it. I woke up, heard the rain, and began to day. I danced a mighty jig, with much hopping and jumping and wild yells of laughter. It was a good jig.
Then I actually went to camp. As I said to dougie "were probably the only people in Portland rejoicing over this rain". Camp rocked too. I did an obstical course, and tackled things, and coach cracked jokes, and things were good. I led the jumping jacks at the end and frightened small children with my loud voice. Karo apparently watched part of practice and thought I looked happy. I really was. :D
After camp, I went home and changed and showered and put junk in my hair, then headed to the mall and sornsens with my mom for pictures. Then we went to The Manchurian Candiate (which was really good) and she took me out to dinner at Stanfords. The waitress there thought I was like 24 and kept hitting on my and tried to get me to try some rum...then my mom pointedly commented I was only in highschool...the waitress turned bright red. I felt sorry for poor Jessica...she seemed really nice.
Then I came home, got my car, and drove out to kenny's where him, mikee, scotty, rach, and dave awaited. Then karo, cynda, and misha showed up. We talked and burned things. Then misha and I finally duked it out...I easily pinned her. 289 is not easy to get off your back.
Then, at scotty's prodding, I went to Seasame Donuts and got a maple bar, hung with him and the ladies for about 5 minutes, and came home.
Yeah...today might just have been, overall, the best day of the summer. No joke...I felt truely great all day. And things were ok. Now I'm gonna go watch old movies until I pass out.
"Sometimes I get wondering if good times fade away and things always turn out this way...you're one of the many things that help me face the day, I'm so glad you're hear with me. And its not your fault that you're in pain...I just can't explain how much you mean to me...meant what I said, meant what I did...its all for you."
I forgot how enjoyable this film is. Even seeing it for the 5th time or so, there are new things to pick up. It really is a pity the sequel was so poorly made.
One day of camp left, senior pictures tomorrow afternoon, a long week of freedom, and then football really kicks in.
...well, its not really a suit. But it does look pretty spiffy. Black sports coat, blue shirty thing, blueish tie thingy, and some pants that are kinda grey...the tailor guy liked them. Apparently, they make me look skinner and muscular. Or maybe they just really wanted me to buy them. Regardless, my parents like them, and they're normally hard to please. So now I have dressy clothes for my senior pictures friday. The causals will apparently be some jeans and a rugby type shirt or something. And maybe one other outfit.
I also got a "trim" today...apparently all my hair is an inch shorter and even now. I don't really care, it feels more or less the same.
KEN AND MIKEE ARE BACK!!!! And I missed talking to them because I muted the speakers while watching Dirty Dozen...DUMB JOHN!
Blah.
At least they're around now...this is good.
iSleep.
Saw the preview showing for Collateral today, staring Tom Cruise and Jaime Fox. I thought it was a truely excellent film, up until the end...for me, it suddenly got really implausible. Overall, it was a good film though.
Afterwards, spence, scotty, and I crash at the 24/7 starbucks (I got some panda express) and played some pool...I was soundly owned both games, partly through bad luck but also through my own total lack of skill.
And tomorrow I get locked out of me house while the cleaner comes...we'll see how that goes.
Tally: 3 days and counting without caffine. GO ME!
This is why I love football. Three hours, some running, some hitting, lots of talking, and everything is good. Its not even that I don't care, its that everything else pales in the light of football's glory. And I feel really happy, too. I can even live without caffine. I think.
I ate too much sugar today, even if I did swear off the soda. Which was good, cause I ran into Massey a few times...but always with water in hand.
The sugar, or conversation, has made me feel sick, though.
And I'm more confused than ever. I'm gonna settle this tonight/tomorrow, I hope. I need to. My head...hurts...
You thought I was just joking around. I really wasn't. This is...serious.
Ugh.
FOOTBALL TOMORROW, THOUGH!
THANK GOD!
which just goes to show I write too much. I'd hoped I'd write entertaining things here. As it turned out, this is more a little window into the madness that is my head. A rather heavily filtered window in that everything gets exaggerated when its written down. Oh well.
I hate those moments when you suddenly stop and wonder what on earth you've been missing for the last TWO YEARS. I swear I know this person really, really well. I woulda bet that I knew them better than just about anyone. They'd even commented I knew them better than they knew themself. But tonight, everone else seemed to know about a certain side of this person that I never realized was there. Well, the thought had crossed my mind within the last week, but I thought it was a recent developement. Not something that had always been there. This person is quite important to me, but now I'm faced with either 1) they don't fit into my little stereotype of what is good or 2) everyone else is badmouthing them. All things considered, I'm betting on one. How do I react to this? Change what I think is good and ok? Morals are no so easily flipped. I recognize certain behavior, like drinking or drug use, is common and can accept it in people I DON'T know well, or even in those people who I consider decent friends. But in the people close to me, I can't seem to accept it. Its like coming home one day to learn your mom is an alchoholic (this happened to a friend of mine a while ago). Completely shifts your view of them. You have to question your interactions with that person...were they drunk at this point? Did they do that because they loved me or because the booze was making them feel good? Etc. I really don't know how to treat this...I've been pretending it doesn't exsist for over a month now, but since everyone else seems to recognize it I can't do that anymore. But how...
Can't confront them about it, they think they're behavior is ok. And who am I to say its wrong? Sure, quoting the Bible or some moral law thing would prove my point, but anything can be proven from the Bible and moral law could be corrupted. Why do I feel I'm right? Why can't I accept his about them? WHY IS THIS SUCH A BIG DEAL TO ME!?!?!
I hate myself sometimes.
I think this is what's been driving us apart...they realize I can't accept this part of them so they try to hide it from me. Now they don't care to anymore, or they can't. And I keep questioning if I'm the only one who disagrees. When did things change on me, or have they always been like this? Hell...I've even been next to this person while the questionable behavior went on and I just turned away, or took a nap. Can I blame them at all? Can I avoid blaming myself? Shouldn't there be some way to convince myself: hey, this person meant a lot to you before you knew this, they haven't changed, so shouldn't they still?
Part of it seems to be worry over my own reputation. That's shallow and egotistical of me. I wouldn't hang with druggies for fear of being labled one.
Or is it more I wouldn't hang with druggies for fear of becoming one? My friend deals in things I never wanted to become a part of. Some things just aren't right, are they?
But I'm not getting an answer.
I trust them as much as I trust myself, I would gladly do anything they asked of me, yet now...I'm sitting here wondering if they're really the person I thought I knew, if everything we've shared has been an extension of an elaborate lie woven to hook me, to suck me in and blind me from the truth. But I closed my eyes, didn't I? My choice...
Always my choice.
I still can't accept it...this person cannot be the person others say they are...can they? It doesn't fit, does it? I've been denying it so long I literally can't accept it...I don't WANT it to be true. But...they told me themself...
Screw it.
I just wasted an hour of my life on this. Why? I don't know.
What's gonna happen between us is gonna happen. I can't...can't accept this. But I've seen the proof myself. Now what do I do?
And no answers...never an answer...only silence.
Silence.
Shows done, after strike tomorrow tech takes a 2 monthish holiday. And football starts. At least there I don't need to worry anymore.
And maybe...maybe I won't see this person for a while after tomorrow. Sucky thought, one that would have made me feel like shit a few weeks ago. But now...everytime I see them...it hurts...and the thought of being away...is somewhat pleasant...
What a wonderful person I am. I'm excited to be away from a good friend for a while because now I don't have to deal with what kind of person they might be, what kind of person I'm afraid they are, or what is gonna happen between me and the person I thought would save me from myself and hold my hand for the next howevermany years.
Just another broken dream, I guess.
But hey...for the first time, I didn't break anything during a show I was working on. If I can just keep that up for a while...
Music du soir: Open Road Song - Eve6
Because 10 miles at 60 plus with the windows down will dull any pain and make you forget any fears or concerns...