Lately, I've found myself just dying to rip someone a new asshole. Not literally. But verbally. I keep goading and goading, hoping someone will explode and let me vent all the frustration that's been building up in me for the past few months. Today's choice target was a girl presenting in my religion class. I knew she was worthy of my attentions because she's a flaming liberal and likes to argue. Sadly for me, today wasn't such a day...apparently giving a presentation changes her so she won't try and defend her views. Either that, or she was so full of bs that she couldn't. Luckily for her Mr. Allen laid the smack down and more or less told me to shut up and stop asking questions. That, and she was the one in front of the class who could decide when to move on. And she had mishka on her side. Curses.
But I've been doing that to a lot of people lately. If they say something stupid, I call them on it and won't let it go. I'll twist otherwise innocent things into pathetic, obviously wrong opinions in an effort to anger other people. Cause then maybe I won't feel so...tense. I wanna explode at someone. I miss the mock trial last year. I got to cross-examine four witnesses. I did a bit of research into what they were going to say and gave them a copy of general paths of inquiry I intended to take. They, naively, assumed those were the only things on which I would ask questions. When they gave testimony, I jotted a few quick notes on errors in their arguements. Then I easily handed them their asses by pointing these errors out and getting them flustered and scared. According to their comments afterwards, I was a terrifying and evil person. I was given the honor of co-best lawyer, however. That I didn't deserve, because all of the opening and closing statements were simply perfection.
But still...football's a great way to get some of this out. Nothing like knocking a starter on their face and giving jonny a huge hug to make you feel great...especially when the coach chews the starter out for sucking. Despite that, it can't compare to a pure verbal defeat, a destruction of mind caused purely by the sound waves produced by my mouth. I love knowing what buttons to push to anger someone. I should note that I've only done this with people who annoy me through stupidity, arrogance, or pure lack of tact...all things that I exhibit frequently.
And to think, they all consider me a "nice guy". :D
Maybe once football's over I'll have time to get into a great argument with someone. Debate or PA club should be good for that.
Its funny, isn't it, that someone who feels so strongly about protecting those he loves takes such pleasure from pissing off people who annoy him?
Maybe once I get be around that which makes me sane more I'll be more sane. I hope so. I wanna be perfect more.
I love you more than I can ever say...thank you for all you've done for me and all you continue to do.
...which I beleive might be needed for the previous entry.
No, I'm not depressed. At all. Allow me to repeat: my life is better than its ever been. Really.
Perhaps the key point here is "my". I keep feeling guilty, kinda, that I have things so great when its rather obvious the rest of the world, more particularly most of the people I care about, aren't so lucky. I'm an idealist, the fact that the world isn't ideal is the most annoying thing ever.
No, I don't hate you, nor do I care about any of you less than before. In case you haven't noticed (and if you're really bored and want some emotional trash, read over the archieves here and you will) I post when either I'm extremely extremely happy or when I'm not feeling so hot. As a result, things here are more verbal expressions of little feelings I've been having. Which might be bad, but it helps me to see where I've been and pick out general trends in my life.
When I say I can't talk to most people, I literally mean just that. Even if I mentally felt fine opening up to someone, I won't, just because of who I am. It has nothing to do with a lack of trust or anything like that. I'm just rather introverted by nature. I'm sure you'd never guess from looking at me now, but I had all of...five, maybe, good friends until the end of frosh year and even me good amigos and I didn't talk much about our own stuff. So I'm used to not sharing. Plus...think about the stuff I know about you...you wouldn't want me sharing that with anyone. I don't share that with anyone, but that's part of why I don't open up to someone.
And the bit about stopping caring...that's more of the "verbal expression of a minor emtion" type thing. A part of me keeps screaming that if only I didn't care, things would be fine...because then I could just focus on my own great life and not worry about problems. But if I really did that, I would hate who I was and be worse off than before.
I think the thing that keeps getting to me is how frustrating some things are. I like to *solve* things, not keep watching other people fight with them. So yeah, it does kinda tear me up to see you hurt. Your pain, my pain...mine a paler echo of yours, but still proportional to it. That doesn't mean stop sharing...but it does mean I'd like to ask you to remain honest and remember that human nature has me assume the worst. If you suddenly clam up, I (like you, I think) assume its because of me. When you tell me to go away, I assume I did something that hurt you badly. And that is the thing that hurts more than anything...thinking I hurt someone I cared about. That's maybe my biggest fear, the thing I want to avoid more than anything else.
So please...if you're a regular read of this weird, twisted window into my head...everything here is a magnified bit of something inside me. It comes across as being major, earth-shattering, etc. but really isn't. Were I really mad at you, there'd be no question in your mind I was mad at you. Same goes for if I had a major problem with you. Ya know all those very direct solutions I propose to your problems? Yeah, those are normally the things I would do. Screw the consequences sometimes, its better to "shoot the moon" and be able to sleep at night than keep awake because something is bothering you.
Right...I'm tired, this was a ramble, feel free to ignore it or whatever.
I love you!
...the only way to describe me at the moment. I almost think I'm manic depressive. Saturday...saturday was the best day in a long time. In contrast, today was pretty shitty. I mean...relatively speaking. Today should have qualified as a great day, too. But when all you want is one thing, and you're doing something else...it just doesn't work. Strike and the food afterwards were the two exceptions. Strike I was surpised to find I was in charge of taking down the band platform, and jubilant when rach rushed up to be in my group (ok...honored. I mean, rach is the super techie. She should have been in charge of the group over me. I twas lucky to have her.) followed by dougie, ben v., and alex colio. I definately had the all star group. And then things got busy. From the moment we broke, to the moment I got in my car, I had no time to think. Which...was very good. Thinking about what isn't there isn't healthy for me...you only want it more. And thinking that there's somewhere else I SHOULD be, I want to be, I'm wanted to be...doesn't help. *sigh* I wish I had my own house. I don't know where the money would come from...if need be, I'd work my ass off for it. There's an idea...lets see if I can find a job to do after school and weekends that will pay enough for a small apartment. Its not that I want to be away from my family; I love them dearly. And I'd still come stay with them often. But if I had my own place...yeah. No need to go further. The future is so incredibly bright, but feels so far away. I hate it. Its like a cloud, hanging ever just out of reach, sometimes coming down and letting you brush against it but only turning to mist, making you feel if you could only jump a little higher, climb a little further, you could make it and things would be perfect.
I wasn't beleived today when I claimed to be perfect. I was told I was being arrogant and cocky. Forgive me my arrogance, but its true...I AM perfect...but only with you.
I wonder who all still reads this. Perhaps my candor isn't justified. I hate myself for hating when people ask me questions about the random stuff I write here. I used to use this site to keep other people informed on my life. That's still the basic purpose, but there are very few people to whom I will answer questions. Ironic, isn't it, that the guy who everyone talks to talks to barely anyone. Its my nature, I suppose. I hate sharing my inner thoughts, except with those people I trust *completely*. And they are an extremely rare commedity. Still, my group of "good" friends (and my "bestest friend in the whole world" ^ ^) keeps me sane. And healthy. Really...if not for some people today at the show, I either would have tried to sleep, ended up leaving (despite the trouble I would have doubtlessly gotten in), or beat the shit outta someone who was just bugging me, despite the fact that they didn't deserve that harsh of treatment. But really...as stupid as it seems, giving me cues (so I didn't feel like I was just taking up room) teasing me, diving on me, and that hug really helped. A lot. Thanks guys. (Though...the texts meant the most...thank you too...)
To those who keep claiming they need to talk then changing their minds...screw it. Sorry, I'm not mad at you, I just don't have the energy any more. It hurts to care, ya know? And...well...I think I can turn it off. I've always been good at numbing emotions. Except in one case...but I'd never want to numb those, no matter how lonely they make me feel. Cause it only makes the future that much better.... Really, though. Either you want my help/attention or you don't. Quit being a John Kerry and make up your mind. I value my good friends highly, they're like my siblings almost (only not quite, cause I'm even more protective of my baby sister). But...these stupid "games" or whatever just make me feel worse. Its...I don't know. I'm just sick of being told people feel a certain way towards me but then having them turn around and act differently. Rehersal on monday is a perfect example...I don't care if your tempermental or what, tell me to get away and then walking away will leave a mark as surely as if you cut me. That's why...that's why I need to stop caring. It hurts me. And I'm sick and tired of being hurt. Yeah, I know no one likes to hear me whine. And I've said repeatedly I want to help you, I'll always listen, blah blah blah. I will. But not if I don't really believe you consider me a friend and value me as such. Because friends don't treat each other like that...or at least, no friend of mine does.
*sigh*
I almost wish people would ask me questions because then more of this would make sense. But I know I won't answer them even if they're asked, so it wouldn't matter. There's so much I want to say...but no one wants to listen. I didn't mean that. I'm sure there are plenty of people who would say, and think, they want to listen...and would were I to ask them too directly. But when I give solicited advice, when I do things they ask me to...they ignore it. I hate this.
But please, don't get me wrong...my life is better than it ever has been. Its just that the amazingness of some aspects is adding some stark contrast to negatives that were once bearable but now are driving me over the edge.
I love that when I'm in your arms, your beauty drowns out the ugliness of the world, your love its hate, your good its evil, your warmth the cold around my heart, your light the darkness that hides in my mind. You keep me sane...I love you more than words can ever express. Thank you, love, thank you.
So I almost died last night. Until my personal hero, Paul Weatheroy, recovered a fumbled caused by Matt Maller. Had Roseberg kept the ball, they would have won the game, or at the *least* put us into overtime. Which isn't good for us.
So John's summery of the game: both teams messed up. A ton. I like to think their mistakes were caused by our skills (the "dropped" passes were actually knocked down, the fumbles were because we hit that hard) while ours were just us screwing around (how often do you have a messed up audible where your running back literally runs over a pulling 2 back trying to run a sweep? And we had about 8 dropped interceptions) but we definately didn't play 4 quarters hard. Luckily, we made plays when we had to and pulled through, 24-17. An interesting note that the majority of the second round games were won off close plays in the 4th or OT.
Next week will be a Holy War with CC at PGE Park. We are better then them and should be able to pull a win off just off skill, but we'll also be incredibly fired up. From here on out, we should be having the games of our lives. Second round was our hump, and now we're over it and realize what happens if we slack at all.
After the game I went to RR again to get limeaids and fries. Was a pity the game ran so late, I woulda prefered to be able to stay later. Ah well.
Still not sure what I'm doing today, might go to my sis's soccer game, then maybe ben's, maybe ian's house, maybe part of the JHS game, maybe a movie, maybe the play (probably the play), and more I haven't thought of. All in all, life is great. Hell, even looking at the little parts, life is great. No term papers for a while. That's a good thing.
You save me from myself. I fear the end of football season because I'll finally have time to think again. I don't want to stop and think, I'm sure it will bring about depressing thoughts and conclusions. However, so long as you're always there to cheer me up, I'll be fine. Thank you.
I love you.
Wilsonville this friday. Can't look past them, got to beat them.
Thursday and Friday we have no school.
The future is brighter than ever. I'm finally...not worried about leaving jhs. I'm actually eager for the next phase of my life to start. I'm still gonna live up senior year, and be sad when it ends, but I know each day brings is full of hope, brings me one day closer to my dreams. I like this feeling.
Yeah...one month. I swear, yesterday was still summer, but this last month has seemed to last my whole life. I want it to last my whole life.
It will last my whole life. This makes me glad. ^ ^
Oh, plug of the night: check out Best Interest at http://www.purevolume.com/bestinterest/music . They are a good up and coming punk/emo band.
Goodnight...I love you!