I know, this is the strangest title ever. However, tonight, while sitting at my computer, I idlely swung my knife around (not big motions...little ones) in arcs to see if I could force it open without touching the thumb stud. Turns out I can. After 5 minutes of practice, I can get the thing from closed to open with almost no visible movement in some small fraction of a second.
Yeah, I'll never use my baby for defence...but its fun! ^ ^
Tomorrow I hope to be attending ken's partay for the new year. This should be kick-ass fun.
I love you!
Today, I purchased my first "real" knife. Sure, I've owned leatherman's and Swiss Armies before, and even a souveneir version of a canadian hunting knife, but never a true workman's knife. Today, I purchased a Benchmade 910S Stryker - a quality knife priced at $130 (and then, only because the automatic version is more popular in Oregon and runs at about $230) that I got for $94.95 thanks to my awesome people skills...or something like that. So far, I am nothing but thrilled with the knife, as it perfectly fits my hand and I can actually snap it open and closed one handed without cutting myself. Always a plus.
I also got three more books but Chuck Pahlawhatever - the Fight Club guy - and I intend to finish them all before school resumes. Tomorrow I need to finish my comman apps if I want to get in to any more schools.
Oh, and the Melting Pot is possibly the best dinner place for a long, relaxing meal with entertainment...sorta like bennyhanna's, only good.
I love you!
The SoCo song is so true. I'm sick of all the negatives I hear. More and more people seem to hate their lives, etc., and I feel kinda bummed out by it. Not to mention the natural disasters and crimes that are killing so many and setting them back in their pursuit of happiness. No, this isn't aimed at any particular person...just myself feeling sorry for everyone who isn't having as much fun with life as I am.
To describe today...heavenly. Watched some SW, some LOTR, some Gilmore Girls (my new guilty pleasure), and realized that I really am "a man" now. No more curfew or knife restrictions for me. ;D
A classmate apparently dispises me to the point that she asked my gf how on earth she could date me and what she saw in me. Surprisingly, I love this reaction. This person ranted that I am elitist, petty, arguementitive, and think myself superior to her (and everyone else, apparently). Perhaps she sees me better than most people do. I do think myself "smarter" than her, I suppose, because her arguements are worthless and don't hold water. She has beleifs but cannot support them yet still claims to have strong, mature beleifs. I at least embrace that I'm a hypocrite (mostly because most of my beleifs are yet unformed). I don't think I'm elitist, though I do perfer a certain group of people I call my "friends" to the rest of the school, I tend to look at details during arguements, and I enjoy arguing.
I'm glad to see someone with an honest reaction to me who doesn't hide it. I almost like it as much as finding out someone understands me and loves me for it. I still have no real enemies, but I think we all need to have people who love us and dislike us. That's the only way to know you're being genuine in your interactions with the world...someone who is always hated is intentionally acting like a jerk or is putting on a false front to impress and someone who is always loved doesn't speak their mind or be true to their heart.
This coming week...tomorrow morning I'm busy with stuff, I hope to see The Aviator with scotty and other tomorrow afternoon/evening, tuesday I might go do the post-christmas shopping I've been postponing, new years, I want a party...that's all I have scheduled. Oh, and I might go to cali for a few days. So talk to me (call me, most likely) if you want to do anything. And if I don't answer, make sure you leave a *detailed* message. I don't call most people back who don't leave messages, assuming if it was important enough for me to call they'd have said so. Yeah, I hate phones.
I love you! ^ ^
...but you kinda brought it on yourself. At least its better than the alternitive. Please, take this as a wake up call and sort some things out now before things get worse. Do it yourself instead of asking others to...that's the only way you'll ever get better.
Equilibrium is the sweetest movie you've never heard of, or one of the sweetest you have. Go watch it...your face will hit the floor. Or is that someone elses...?
I wonder when I became so cynical and self-righteous that I could stop caring because of broken trust and poor decisions. You're cruising for a fall and everyone is blindly escorting you to the brink of the cliff. They can't stop you from walking over, nor can they ease the impact. You're your own worst enemy, now get up off the couch and fight it.
But you won't because that'd be too much work. Or too uncomfortable. Or just plain too hopeful for you to manage. Sorry I can't help you anymore but don't you dare say I didn't try.
God helps those who help themselves...I may not have His perfect record but I'm close. Quit moping and fix yourself up.
Just another friendly rant from your local hypocrite.
I love you!
A friend suggested I take more surveys and post the answers. This is the first decent survey I found, so here you go:
1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
Could you be any more open-ended? I've never been to state semi-finals or started in a varsity football game before; never had a girlfriend in highschool before (well, you could argue the eighth grade one doesn't count as she kinda moved after a month...without telling me...), never had a coed sleepover party at the beach before, never walked 12 miles in the pouring rain before, never built a can-tower to the ceiling of the Student Center, never been to that ward of the hospital (et. al.) before, never driven to the beach (or 85 miles straight) without a parent in the car, never been accepted to college before, never done a lot of things before...
It really has been a year of firsts, hasn't it?
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
If I made New Year's Resolutions, I don't remember them. I probably said something like work hard at football and improve personal relationships and get into college. Did all that, at least.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Uhm...not that I'm aware of...
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No immediate friends or family members died.
5. What countries did you visit?
This year I did not leave the continental US.
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
A high school diploma, amongst other things.
7. What dates from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
10/10/04 - It all began.
12/19/04 - My 18th birthday.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Uhm...academically, getting into ND. (And the SATII scores, and AP scores, etc.) Football-wise, going to semis and starting a game. Romantically, ending up with a girlfriend despite not seeking one out at all.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Hmm...failing to distinguish lies from truth and not conquering my fears completely. Continuing to be an asshole to people and do things I know will piss people off for the hell of it. Fighting with my parents when I know its not a big deal. Yeah, these aren't comlete sentences, but who cares? This is a survey, not an essay.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Not really...almost lost a toenail, jammed some joints up pretty bad, got some bruises, and I had a long lingering cough. These were all rather minor and expected, though...football causes such things.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Uhm...as a family, the beach house for the weekend. I personally haven't bought anything expensive yet this year (that I remember), at least, not for myself.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
ND's admission councilor, my friends sillyness and love, my gf falling asleep in my arms.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
No comment.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Movie tickets, food, that homecoming dinner, christmas presents.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My 18th, ND, dances, football games (and a dream of state), a couple of "dates".
16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
Lies (Rebellion) -Arcade Fire (best "discovered" band and most fitting song title)
Something To Talk About - Bonnie Rait (so very pertinant to my life..."practically married" indeed...)
17. Compared to this time last year, you are:
Happier, more mature, more emotionally stable (no isolated psudeo-depression brought on from being alone in a hotel room on new year's), more physically fit and uninjured.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Sleeping, football, telling people the honest truth instead of what they wanted to hear, taking chances.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying, arguing with my parents, procrastinating.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Eating good food, opening presents, and maybe seeing a movie - all with my immediate family.
22. Did you fall in love in 2004?
Guess you could put it that way. More of a deepening and changing of an existing love, but there was probably a fall in there somewhere.
23. How many one-night stands?
One night stands...right. Never had one. Prolly never will, with my "standards"...heh.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
I don't watch TV...I recall watching several shows on the History and Discovery channels that were interesting...cool things people have made, biggest disasters, etc.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
A good friend taught me not to hate, so no. Feelings of dislike I won't discuss.
26. What was the best book you read?
Oh great, could you ask a harder question? Uhm...I guess A Light in August, though there were a lot of good ones.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The Arcade Fire, The Postal Service, HelloGoodbye, Matt Skiba/Alkaline Trio, Semisonic, Five For Fighting, Weekend Excursion, Best Interest, Matchbook Romance...these are all bands which I added a signficant number of songs by to my library. Don't remember when I discovered them all.
28. What did you want and get?
A hug - a girlfriend, a fun weekend - an amazing trip, a college acceptance letter - a college acceptance letter, etc.
29. What did you want and not get?
A winning lottery ticket. Maybe next year.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Damn you for finding a harder question. Eternal Sunshine, probably, though Huckabees and Garden State also rocked. I'm sure there were more, too, but I'm tired right now.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Weekend at the beach,with too many people (not really...it was a good amount, just a lot), then A Series of Unfortunate Events (the movie) and dinner at Papa Hydens with my family. I turned 18.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
One thing? This year has been incredibly satisfying sports, academics, friends, love have all been good. I suppose winning a state championship would have been an improvement.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
WTF is that?
34. What kept you sane?
Need I answer? The same thing (yeah, you're a "thing" sometimes :P) that kept me sane since the summer after freshman year...and I was crazy before that, so she's always been the thing keeping me sane, I suppose.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Fancy as in like? That chick who was in Jay and Silent Bob and Bring It On! is cute. If you mean, enjoy as an actor, Jim Carey was the most diverse this year and Jude Law was the most impressive...though Bill Murray may quickly claim one or both those titles this christmas.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The Election and general insanity surrounding it...and the Catholic Church becomong politically biased, in my view.
37. Who did you miss?
"I'm not sleeping, and you're not here, the thought stops my heart. I want you to know that, I miss you, I miss you so..." Enough said.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Well...no one I met was really new, per say...I guess little freshman maggie was new and kicked ass.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
Do crazy things and expect crazy results. Luck favors those who take smart chances and are willing to risk failure in pursuit of success.
Enough people have asked me about colleges recently that I figured I might as well type something up about it. This weekend, I learned of my acceptance to Notre Dame. This has been, and remains, my first choice university. Despite this, I remain uncertain where I will attend. This week I am finishing the apps to the schools listed on the left and will vist several universities, begining in january when I hope to spend days at LCU and ND, or at least vist and revist (respectively) the campuses.
I can at least state with near-certainty I will be attending college at a first rate university. Unless, of course, something motivates me to do a year of service...but that's rather unlikely.
So, uhm...yeah...dunno what to say...
That kicked major ass.
Never driven so far without a parent in the car, never relaxed so completely or felt so free, never seen the stars that way, nor played football that exhilerating (with no pressure, that is), never laughed that hard, never worn pink gloves, never had such a crazy time, never felt so grown up, never blinded myself with a flashlight smaller than my thumb, never screamed MANNY MANNY MAN!, never felt so satisfied with life nor so carefree, never been so excited to realize a "little" letter was really a big envelope, never OD'd on caffine for something other than a huge paper, never sucked so bad at Goldeneye/N64 in general and enjoyed it so incredibly much, never fallen asleep in another's arms, never burned myself on a marshmellow before, never seen a full-spectrum sunset, never seen girls beast on each other so bad in football just for the hell of it, never seen a 3-D puzzle be so entertaining, never wanted to stay in highschool more yet realize I'm excited to move on, never realized quite how incredibly lucky I am and never have I thanked God quite as much for my amazing life to date.
Finally, my life is not about the materialistic things. Finally, I truely care more about "the givers than the gifts". Never have I cared less that its my birthday and more that I'm with loved ones having a good time.
Yeah, I got into ND. Gotta love it when an admissions director decides to give you a birthday present.
Oh, and I'm now adult. At some point, I'm sure I'll start acting like it.
The beach kicked, thank you to all those who came and my sincere apologies to all those who couldn't go. I had rather strict space limitations enforced, both legally (by the house's owners), parentally (they had a hard enough time supervising those who were there...), and physically (only so much space in a car).
I have no "plans" as such for the remander of break. This is not because there is nothing to do but rather because I cannot definately commit to anything short of being at school the day it resumes. I hope to go caroling (even though I can't sing), play video games (even though I'll get schooled), watch movies (no drawback here), and greet the new year with friends. However, any and all of these may be superceded by familial responcibilities. Please don't take offense if/when I tell you I either might make it or downright can't go as I have no real control over it. This season is about family, and I have a lot to thank them for (not to mention the simple fact that I barely ever spend family time with them during the year). If I don't see you before then, have a merry christmas and a happy new year!
I love you...
I thank you God for this most amazing day.
Yeah, that's Sunday. Fear.
I'm feeling a bit nervous about ND these days...I've seen so many people get in to their first-choice school and go nuts and seen several who didn't get in...some of whom seemed kinda crushed. I haven't felt much in the way of emotions for or against getting in, other than a desire not to look like a total idiot by managing to get declined (or really, even deferred) from a school that I should be able to get into. For some reason, I just feel I might not make it in. Which would throw a bit of a wrench into my current college plans and cause my parents endless hours of gloating.
So today, I meant to go back and help set up for mass after delivering food. However, after not dropping off the food until 2:30ish, I felt completely drained. I took karolyn back to her house (she was my driving partner all day) and then slept. And sorta forgot about the mass. Go figure.
I've been feeling weird lately. I go from being utterly happy and secure to nervous/anxious. Sometimes the feelings are justified, other times, I know I have no real reason for it. Part of it is I'm just getting too stressed with little things. I continually repress irritation and annoyance, don't address it, and it slowly builds up until I'm ready to explode at the source of it. What's worse is my paranoia. I mean...I've noticed that I'm trusting fewer and fewer people now. To some extent, I have reasons...a few people have done things to indicate that while they are good intentioned, telling them sensitive things might not be a good idea. One person in particular has a tendancy to tell the world anything/everything they know...without realizing it. Even my own mom will promise not to mention something (like my college plans) to anyone and then immediately tell the next person to ask. She doesn't mean to do anything "wrong" or hurtful, but I hate how frequently people ask about college and then assume I'm set. They're building me up to either place no value on suceeding (which has already happened to some degree) or fail miserably and have to reevaluate my life because clearly I'm not that smart if I can't get in to school x.
We'll see.
The other pet peeve...people passing judgements. I swear, the next person who cracks a joke that I was off "making out" while going to get a ladder or "having a quickie" on the way to a movie will not have to tolerate my presence outside of class for quite some time. Some jokes are funny, others are not, and some are downright mean. Especially not when you mean them seriously and are trying to find some way to embarrass me or get me to admit something. Or becaues you joke out of jealousy for a perceived situation. I know some people mean well, but I'm sick of the under-the-breath comments that insinuate something that I consider ungentlemanly and completely innapropriate. Sophmore year, I handed a friend an ultimatium that if he made one more sexual joke or reference to a female friend of mine, I would kick his ass, assult charges or none. This is approaching that state - you're all well aware I don't take offence when you say things about me, but when you insult my loved ones in a way that could hurt them or smear their good name, I am forced to take action.
I'm so incredibly tired. Maybe I'll just sleep all weekend.
I love you!
...somewhat ironically, I "discovered" a band by this name the other day and decided I liked them. As I'm bored and have no general direction for this post in mind, I figured they should be honored by the title.
So what's going on for me...a few minutes ago, I grabbed a handful of M&M's and spit them straight into the sink because ants had gotten onto them. I didn't enjoy that. Ants taste bad.
School is...well, uninspiring. I feel like the only reason I go is for my friends. I keep looking for good reasons to go, the most prevelent being "I have nothing better to do and my friends will be there". I'm getting angry more lately, I've been completely out of it this week, and I'm not going to autzen stadium on saturday. I really don't mind...but then, so many other people keep reminding me how much I *should* mind. I don't mind it from some people, as it really is well meant. And a few of them have known me long enough and know me well enough to know how this feels for me. They don't give fake hugs or try to tell me I'm better off without it. They do point out, and rightly so, that it was one hell of a run. Its a pity we couldn't go farther, but we did go quite a ways. That's what I keep going back to. But losing a game doesn't mean you need to constantly try and hug me over it or ask how my "new life" is going. Admitadly, most of the people who do this aren't close friends at all. Ok, none of them are. But regardless...I wish those who did would stop. I'm over it, I had fun and now its time to move on. So let me move on, please.
The pathetic part is I can pinpoint football as the entire cause of my psudeo-depression this week. I feel really...lifeless and unmotivated. One of the two biggest focuses in my life is over. It leaves me free to direct my attention to my other major focus, and to minor focuses, but there's still a hole. Like sitting in the hall afterschool today and realizing that unlike last year, when having nothing to do was good, it now feels like something is missing. Perhaps the best moment was one a friend invited a group of others to go do something and very pointledly (in my egotistic mind) didn't invite me or several other people around. Now sure, I know why that is...but it doesn't take away from the fact that it was rather rude.
I hate attention-whores.
That's all some people are these days, it seems. They can't survive without being the center of attention. They constantly talk about themself, their wants, and their problems. They ignore the painful impact they have on the people they claim as friends. They don't seem to mind if something that makes life easier for them makes it harder on the rest of the world. But most of all, they seem completely unaware of their need for attention. Who knows, maybe they really are.
And yeah, everyone wants/needs/likes attention sometimes. God knows I seek it out enough. But really...it gets bad sometimes. I'm at the point I know longer can tell when some people are being genuine (or even if they ever were genuine) or just doing something to get attention.
No, I didn't stop caring. I just...won't let my self be bothered by it/you anymore. Its not my problem anymore. It never was, but I treated it as such in some vain attempt to help you. But you don't want the help, you never listened to my advice, you never really consulted me...I was just an audience or something. That's alright. Just...forgive me when I don't react to it anymore.
I really wonder if I am some mean bastard at heart. Deep, deep down...I wish someone would just decide to beat me up. With a lot of people, I'd just let them, I think. There's my own little attention-whore side...I can't stand people feeling I'm just "nice". I need to be loved or hated, trusted or despised -- at least by those I'm close to. I can't stand being someone's tool, or more accurately, fool. Yeah, I'm easy to drag around behind you...doesn't mean its right. All it does is make me more cynical and skeptical.
I need a vacation.
Have you ever been forced into a friendship, gone along with it, and later realized you are quickly growing to despise the person you were forced into a friendship with? The attitude that "I am my friend's friend." seems to get me nowhere. Well, alright, so I've met some cool people through that before. But those types of people seem to rarely become close friends. My closest friends are all people I took the initive with and worked to develope a realtionship with, and they seemed to do the same. Maybe that's the key. You only become close to someone when both people want to be close.
How am I not myself? I hold back from saying what I want to say for fear of hurting someone. I hurt people when I don't mean to.
I'm going to go play the guitar now. Maybe some loud music will provide release from this strange tention I find building up in my chest.
I love you.
I'm thinking it might be time to find a new link for this blog. Either that, or get over my habbit of ranting. Fellas, I'm serious...I'm not sitting here pissed at you. Really.
Well, ok, so there's maybe one or two people I'm pissed at, but I'd bet good money they don't read the blog. So there. :P
Thanks for your concern, though...I love you people. Friends rule.
...but far too polite to say anything to anyone's face. Yeah, go me. Master of brutal honoesty until it comes to simple annoyances.
So I actually stopped to think about some things the other night and it finally hit me how desparately some people need attention. I mean...desparately need attention. Not like they want to have conversations with people but where everything around them has to be about THEM. Their clothes, their hair, their problems, their opinions, blah blah blah. The only reason they ask a question is to have it asked back. The only reason they ask a favor is because they need something.
Sure, we all do this some. I hadn't realized how self-absorbed some people are, though. Simply pathetic. And I can't work up the balls to say it to their face. Stop talking for once and listen to somebody else. Quit whining about your problems and help someone else out. Maybe it would help you out, too. I'm sure its a good thing that I'm too cowardly to speak up...people seem to think I'm this wonderful nice person all the time. Sad truth is I'm no nicer or meaner than anyone else...you just happen to see me rather one dimensionally. I'm not sure people are ever good or bad...one aspect of them is just more visible than the other.
I don't like to admit it, but I'm begining to agree with Misha...I can't hate anyone, just dislike/grow angry enough with them that it feels the same as hate much. Only my rage fades, hate wouldn't.
Other things...lame-ass people (mostly guys) who are desparate for girls. Just plain pathetically desparte. So desparate that whenever another guy around them does anything remotely flirtatious with a girl, they feel the need to do the exact (or a very similar) thing moments later. Point of example...I hug someone in the hall, they see me do it and hug them right after I do. The next day, I slow down and let them walk ahead of me, they just wave at the other person and look upset when they notice I still hugged them. Get a friggen life of your own. Realize that stuff other people do ISN'T flirting. I don't hug people to flirt. I hug them because I love them. Sometimes, I'm even hugging someone because they need it. You hug them because you want to get laid. Or maybe just a date. Grow a spine and go try asking some people out if you want...quit trying to develope the relationships you so envy in others by immitating them...with the same people they have the relationship with!
And no, this isn't me being selfish of friends or something...this is me getting pissed off with people who are purely lame. And me getting pissed off with myself for being unable to tell the people TO THEIR FACE for fear of coming off wrong.
Lets see, I'm on a good rant here...what else has been bothering me recently...
Oh yeah, people who just can't ask a question. They're dying to. They ask all around it. But they can't come out and say it. They seem to think I'll answer it if they hint at it. I won't answer any question you don't ask me. If you think the question is inappropriate, then either you shouldn't ask it or you should get to know me better to learn what is and isn't inappropriate. I'm actually rather amused by people's curiousity of late, but bugged that they just whisper about it. I swear, the next person I catch delibrately starting a rumour... *sigh*
Yeah, I'm all confused inside right now. Too much for me to mull over and make sense of. I've gotten through this year so far by *not* thinking or judging or analzying. But that's just not my nature and I'm overdue for a good think session. Forgive me if I act kinda weird around you between now and break...it just means I'm distracted by trying to understand things. Myself included. I'm not sure who I am right now, nor who I want to be. Choices...
Oh, the last thing that pisses me off. Pisses me off to no end. People who lie to me, then say they won't ever lie to me, then decieve me again. Maybe it wasn't a straight lie, but its close enough. I'm not saying you did...that's one of those things I need to figure out, after all. There's been too much going on that straight up doesn't make sense. I'm gonna connect the dots and study the picture...then, and only then, will I tell you of my decision.
Hopefully somewhere in there I'll understand myself and where I stand. Seems I've lost that somewhere between the start of school and now. Everything's just gone too fast. I realized the other night I hadn't been as good of a friend to a few people who matter tons to me as I should have been. I also realized I'd been trying too hard with some things and that's been taking me away from the person I was.
Its hard, when everyone seems to love you, to tell who really cares. Or rather, to tell which of them really care. One by one, I'll sort this out again. I'm tired off the fake crap people throw my way. Sure, I'm more than happy to help a friend in need...in fact, I feel a need to. Can't let my friends suffer. But when it suddenly hits you that someone might be taking advantage of you, of your trust...you have to reevaluate things.
How am I not myself?
How am I not myself?
How am I not myself?
...how am I not myself?
I'm sure someone will read this, see something that I'm ranting about, and think I'm pissed at them. The odds are highly, highly against that being the case. But regardless...if enough of this strikes true, maybe you could work on changing to not annoy me? Or maybe you could tell me to just piss off. I'd like that. It feels weird having everyone seem happy with you. Like you're being too...nice. Conforming to their wants instead of being your own person.
Of course, there are some people who's wants I DO conform too...intentionally.
Thank you for doing your best to keep me sane and let me see myself through your eyes. I love you!
That's me right now. World is spinning around me and I'm just sitting here, watching it, wondering why it won't sit down for a minute too. But that's ok...its nice here.
Homework sucks, college apps suck, tests suck, headaches suck, lack of sleep sucks...
but its all worth it. Family, friends, football, tech, love...make it all up.
God truely does work in mysterious ways.
I love you.