January 30, 2005

Strike, take 2: (and a letter...)

Today was the (1 week delayed) strike of the 1 acts. Once again, in the hour and a half period between shows, I felt useless. Actually, between when I arrived and when I joined scotty's group taking down platforms, I felt very useless. In short, Doug and I played chess, then got jeff and pat and played more chess, then goofed around for a while. Fun, yes, fulfilling, no. After the platforms, I helped destroy the stage wall, stack flats (and stage platforms) and then carried stuff in. The pizza was good, but there wasn't enough.

Tonight, a friend bared their soul. Not only to me, but to the world. I admire your courage...may you stand strong against the tide you are sure to face. I beleive in you.

I also opened a letter I wrote a year ago...and I shed a tear. So many memories. I'm glad I'm cooking next weekend...I need to do this. It may be hard, but I need to - I need to be true to a 17 year old sitting on a bed with a tear on each cheek full of love and gratidude, who rediscovered God and realized how blessed he was. I need to be true to a boy in his room begging God for a sign who became overjoyed when he got in and swore to always beleive. I need to be true to a child who wanted to end smoking, and death, and evil. I need to vindicate a shy child who worked to make others happy and couldn't understand why he kept fighting with his parents over stupid things when he'd never fought with any other adult. I need to fulfill half-formed dreams of a better world. I need to realize my potential. I need to not forget my past and work to incorporate it with my present into my future.

Ad Majorium Deus Glorium.

I love you more than I can ever say, more than I can ever show. . . I can never repay you except to say you have always been there for me and I hope I can always be there for you.
You reflect God.
I can think of no higher praise than that for anyone, and you mean the world to me..

Posted by Viper37 at 10:40 PM | Comments (0)

January 26, 2005

C'est La Vie

That's life, or so they say. I prefer to say this is life. Things are the way they are, regardless of the "correctness" or desirabilty of their state.

I had the pleasure of partaking in an hour talk with a friend I haven't spoken to at length in a while. I realized again how blessed I am in my relationships with others. I can talk with almost nothing held back with these friends, and they seem to feel the same way. I cannot express how refreshing an honest talk can be, one where as much is implied as said but you both understand the other. Too often, people are full of mistrust and doubt and listen only to strike down and reply. I will honestally miss these people in the coming years. Perhaps we will break the stereotypes and stay in touch...I certainly hope so. This is where my riches lie - in the blessings of my friends.

Recently, things have just felt weird. While I'm closer to some people than ever before, some seem to give me a sort of cold shoulder and avoid me. I think some people pass judgement too easily or allow themselves to believe things merely because it is convienent or lets them be the victim. Then again, I know I'm not faultless. Perhaps I've alienated people myself without realizing it. Who knows.

Life is picking up...I'm finding myself more and more busy now. Love, school, drama, chess, track, fme, etc. Its all good.

Now to sleep.

I love you!

Posted by Viper37 at 10:47 PM | Comments (1)

January 23, 2005

Sum 41...

In honor of my old love of this band, I'm listening to their first three albums in order today. I hope to purchase their fourth sometime this week. Fun stuff.

Parents got back from a weekend trip today. They seemed ok with my weekend expences...though the total tally isn't in yet. We'll see when the next bill comes...

I really felt like we were a family this weekend. I never thought I'd sit on a couch holding my two favoritest girls and we'd all be laughing together. Everything feels right. I like this.

I'm finally working on VS again. I'll be soliciting comments soon, so stay tuned.

I love you!

Posted by Viper37 at 10:30 PM | Comments (0)

January 15, 2005

"I'm Lost Without You"

-Blink 182

I swear that I can go on forever again
Please let me know that my one bad day will end
I will go down as your lover, your friend
Give me your lips and with one kiss we begin
Are you afraid of being alone?
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of leaving tonight
Cause I am, I'm lost without you

I'll leave my room open till sunrise for you
I'll keep my eyes patiently focused on you
Where are you now I can hear footsteps I'm dreaming
And if you will, keep me from waking to believe this

Are you afraid of being alone
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of leaving tonight
Cause I am, I'm lost without you

Are you afraid of being alone
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of leaving tonight
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of being alone
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of leaving tonight
Cause I am, I'm lost without you

I'm lost without you
I'm lost without you...

This song doesn't quite hold true for me...here, the singer's love has departed, seemingly for good (either death or she left him) and he knows she's gone and has to face that.
Me, I'm continually reminded how good things are for me right now and of the coming thing called college.
If you haven't heard yet, I'm most likely going to ND. Which is located in South Bend, Indianna. My love will be attending OSU here in Oregon. For those of you not familiar with US geography, that's all the way across the country from one another. While my family is decently well off and my mom racks in the frequent flier miles, I'll only be coming home for Christmas and Summer break...and Christmas might be spent in Nebraska with the extended family. That means three months, minimum, apart. Then a few days together, then three months apart. Summer will be longer, obviously, but still. At most, we'll see each other 4 months out of the year. And that's overly optimistic, I assure you. I'm certain a few readers are sitting there wondering "Why the hell is John thinking about college?" or more exactly "Why is John concerned with his relationship when he goes off to college? Really, how many people even try to keep dating at separate colleges and how does he know hisrelationship will last that long?" Feel free to remain skeptical.
Suffice to say, this feels right. We've gone almost three years as best friends, I consider it extremely likely we'll last a while longer. Specially if I have any say in the matter. ;D
Ugh.
As excited as I am for ND...a strong part of me wants to just screw it and go to OSU. Cheaper, closer, and we can be together.
But...
there's always the but.
I don't want to be an old man looking back on life and wonder why I missed an opportunity to go to my favorite college. Specially not if something happens and we don't last anyways. Plus...if things didn't work out at OSU, I'd never forgive myself. As it is, I already hate nights. Its amazing how hard it gets to be alone once you're used to being with someone else all the time. When you feel that someone else is a part of you. When someone else is what you live for, what keeps you going, what makes you get outta bed and go to school and take the tests and do the work and keep on going. Because you know that once that shit is done, you get to be happy. You'll feel safe. You'll feel better than you ever have in your life and know that everything will be ok. You love yourself once more because someone you love and cherish and respect loves you with all their heart, and you love them the same.
I've always been a loner - I've never let myself get tied down to anyone (except my family, who I had strong reasons to grow attached to...ya know, being family and all that). I don't think I shed a single tear walking out of SJF and bidding farewell to my past life and past friends. Sure, I was nervous about the future. I worried I wouldn't fit in to JHS or that I'd made the wrong choice or something. The future has always been a bit scary for me. Leaving JHS, though...with brutal self-honesty, I know I can leave and move on. I've made the best friends of my life here and don't want to lose them...but I do understand myself and others enough to know that with time and distance, people grow apart and once we've grown apart I'll move on. *sigh* One thing is different, though, one bond has formed that I can't so easily get over. I tried once and just ended up miserable. Know someone well enough and love them enough and they become a part of you and you of them. Losing them is like loosing your arm...you're told you can get over it and move on, but not matter what nothing will be quite the same in your life again and you're never quite as fine as you were before. Or something like that...

Posted by Viper37 at 07:17 PM | Comments (1)

Ice...

I never realized what a pain ice is until I discovered walking on it on a hill is almost impossible, my father forgot to swap a set of chains that fit none of are cars for a set that do, and I ran out of strange drinks from costco! The world is coming to an end!

Oh, and I can hang out with people I wanna hang out with cause I can't leave the house cause of the ice, can't rent a movie for the same reason, can't get good food (again, for the same reason) and if this *really* keeps up I'll do absolutely no studying for finals. Which is quite ironic. The only time I intend to study is monday at ken's. Yup, I'm that smart/dumb, depending on your take of it.

I miss you, even though you're mere miles/a phone call away...
I love you!

Posted by Viper37 at 06:36 PM | Comments (0)

January 13, 2005

Revelation:

My future is begining to reveal itself to me. I shall stay faithful, hopeful, and loving until forced not to be. God willing, that day will never come.

It's all for you.

now, iSleep.
I love you!

Posted by Viper37 at 11:56 PM | Comments (0)

January 09, 2005

Sundays...

Sundays are always strange days for me. A weekend in the lack of school and a weekday in classes the following morning, I never know how to treat them. Today, with the encouragement of Sir Doug, I got up at an unheard of hour of 8 AM to shower, eat, fall asleep again, and then go to 10:30 mass after picking up Doug. The homily qualified as good (read: I understood the priest and his voice kept me awake) and we went to Round Table for some pizza and power-outlets for while we typed our history paper. Then we drove to the library so I could grab some more books and movies before cruisin' to my starbucks study session that was rather small but still enormously beneficial. With my helpful comments and occasional witty remark, doug managed to write three amazing calc. programs that had better be helpful on the final. If you want them, you'll prolly have to pay because they're that nice and we hate freeloaders who freeload more than we do, which is saying something. Football banquet was alright, good speeches, I got my clothes and football patch and metro patch, etc. and had another moment with coach massey...I'm really gonna miss having him as a coach/role model/inspiration. He kept me in the program and made practice the most fun I can ever remember it being. The year would not have been the same without him.

Tomorrow I'm busy all afterschool, first with the history paper and then with a little celebration. Tuesday I have "math lab" or a swim meet and then rehersal, wednesday is tech, chess, and dinner with the family, thursday is homework night, friday I'm filming the play, saturday is free day (or maybe study day) and sunday is mass, play, strike. Monday is a study session and tuesday through thursday are finals.

Man, I love having the week planned.

At this moment, I'm at peace with the world. The coming stress of this paper, of finals, of colleges, of plays, of social crap, and of life just don't matter. Maybe I'll score well, maybe I'll find the perfect college, maybe people are pissed with me, maybe life's about to balance my amazing luck with some shit, who knows. Right now, in this single instant, I'm happy. All the world is mine and I am free of all the world. Or some philisophical thing like that. I don't know how to describe it but I just feel content.
I made a choice this morning when I woke up. For the first time I can remember, I'm at a crossroads where I can follow my idealism completely or follow my pessimist, self-protecting nature. While taking my traditional sunday 20-30 minute soak, I realized I can trust completely or trust partially, open myself to crushing failure or safeguard myself against heartbreak. I once asked God to "let it be if it should be, help me to move on if it should not" and placed myself entirely in his hands. Now I'm living the results of these prayers and continuing to pray them, asking God to show me the right path and help me to follow it. I deeply and firmly beleive I am, and because of that I have renewed faith in my fellow man. I am accepting that the events in my life are neither good luck or pure chance by rather divine guidence. When I think about it, all the "bad" in my life has eventually resulted in good. God does have a plan for us and I intend to try and follow it to the best of my ability with the faith he will guide me through hardship and protect me from harm.
This is my faith, this is my joy, this is my life...and I am greatful for it.

I could not ask for more...thank you so much.
I love you!

Posted by Viper37 at 09:46 PM | Comments (0)

Another day...

An uninteresting day, I suppose. Slept, read, went to tech, watched eternal sunshine and elephant. Did not work on the history paper I was supposed to do.
I think a good friend is upset with me. Its hard to tell, as several friends have been acting strangely lately. Sadly...I'm not sure I care at this point. Some people have had problems accepting some of my recent choices and the "changes" they think they see in me. Ironically, these changes have barely effected anyone directly.
I was reminded today of one of these changes, though. No longer can I easily sit alone in a crowded room. I now grow lonesome and my thoughts go to one not present. Strangely, if I'm with my family or just by myself, I'm ok, but if I'm with "friends" who are not actively engaging me in some way, my brain goes elsewhere. Distract me or I'll find a way to distract myself from your lack of distraction.
Some things feel so natural. Pity I still wake up wondering where I am and why I'm there by myself. Someday, that'll all change.

And I can hardly wait...until I feel the sun and your lips both pressing on my skin. And that thrill in my heart that starts inside your eyes.

Domo arigato.
I love you!

Posted by Viper37 at 12:38 AM | Comments (0)

January 03, 2005

Tired...

Best way to describe today. I didn't sleep last night and today was pretty hazy. Despite that, I won a game of chess.
I also made my first credit and debit purchases with my own cards. Gotta love it.

Not much else is new...school is long as ever, I can't wait for spring break...yeah.

I love you!

Posted by Viper37 at 10:36 PM | Comments (0)

January 02, 2005

Shimmy Shimmy Quarter Turn

"the wilted flowers that i gave
were not as nice as your bouqet
all the lyrics that i wrote
not as smart as the words you spoke
the starlight above my hometown
aint as bright as the star ive found
every drawing that i drew
was never ever as cute as you

serious as a heart attack
im looking in my almanac
ive gotta find out all the things
and find out where she got her wings
shimmy shimmy quarter turn
i feel like i will never learn
how can i check lost and found
when im too busy getting down

gotta get it back to
a back up plan to find you
start acceleration
take it back to square one

i swear im not kidding
were just trying to fit in
with all the other answers
to questions never confirmed
states that keep us far apart
track the beating of my heart
mark the places in my book
with photographs we never took
i swear im not kidding
the night time is so pretty
with all the stars above your eyes
im sneaking out and making ties
states that keep us far apart
track the beating with a chart
mark the rythyms that i shook
everytime i caught you look"


The greatest thing about emo is singers who wear their hearts on their sleeve. You listen to an album, get all used to the sad whiny bit, and suddenly there's an upbeat peppy song that has on on the floor laughing until you cry. Or even more awesome are those songs you can relate to and have good melody.

And yeah...three posts in one day is excessive and not the way I want to start off the new year. What can you do, eh?

I love you!

Posted by Viper37 at 11:11 PM | Comments (1)

Why thank you...

I love that someone who claimed to trust me and swore that they would never lie to me decided either to not talk to me to avoid lying or just blatantly threw away any thoughts of me as a friend...without ever informing me.
Its wonderful finding out a significant bit of information about a friend because *someone else* mentions you should read their profile and look at their blog. It gets better when this tidbit is the very kind of information they supposedly trusted you with. The cherry on my sunday is that they never tried to tell me this morsel, nor anything else of importance recently.
Perhaps the best bit, though, is when they claim your bestfriend/gf cares more about them than you, begin acting jealous of the time you spend with her, complain they haven't seen her when they haven't *invited* her to do anything with them, and further accuse you of being elitist.
Forgive me, I am an elitist...I like to be with/talk to/trust this group of elite people called my friends.

Regardless, this doesn't matter. I wonder why you ever turned to me, or pretended to, if you recognized that I would hold you to higher standards. If you wanna talk, go right ahead...I really, really don't care at this point though. The drama is now over, I can let go of even that lingering guilt that perhaps you really did need my help in some regard because now there is no reason for me to be as concerned. You wanna beat yourself up, go ahead, you're an adult now. Be as responcible as you want to be.


Yeah, all of the above was a rant written while experiencing the closest thing I get to anger these days. I'm sure I'll come across as too harsh if the person involved reads it, but I doubt they read this anymore.
If you do (you know exactly who you are...) and want to talk to me about this, go ahead. If you don't wanna talk, that's fine too...I'll move on with my life quite well.

Blah.

Posted by Viper37 at 08:29 PM | Comments (0)

Last day of break...

As much as I hate days like this, I spent it well. Slept late after staying up practically all night (yeah, I ended up reading more of fight club after swearing I was going to bed) then finally caught up to my sister in GG.

Mom made tacos for dinner and then managed to ambush me with, "So, are you totally set on ND or have you decided you need to visit colleges?". Sounds innocent enough, I'm sure, but taken in the context of her planning her trip to chicago after finals, it was an all-out attack. Either I commit then and there to ND, something she knows I'm not quite ready for yet, or I commit then and there to going with her to visit LC (which I don't want to do) and spend a day at ND (which is a decent idea, but I don't feel its neccessary at this point in time).
She keeps trying to force me, subtly, to take responcibility for my life and miraculously grow up. College decides a lot of my life. Sure, its not the end of the world where you go, but I'm committing to four years somewhere (the odds of my transfering are next to nil). Once I decide this, I have to accept the choice and deal with it - start earning spending money, practice later-life skills, become immersed in the college's history, etc. - and no longer be a highschooler.
Right now, all I want is to relax and enjoy the time I have left at JHS, which honestally feels like home to me. And in just a few months, I'm getting kicked out of the house. *sigh*
I know its pathetic, but things at school have never been more right. I'm comfortable doing "stupid" things there (scarves, anyone?), I understand and can manipulate the system, and if ever things get bad, I have an incredible group of friends to go to, not to mention my best friend/gf. I wish...I wish I had more time here. I'm sure I'll make new friends, but next year will be hard.
Screw all that crap people tell you about the need to move on and grow up, I'm sure that will be great but its not what I want. I'm being forced to leave my family, not just the biological ones but the family that loves me, the people that mean the most to me. I *cannot* be with them next year. I'm still entertaining the fantasy that I'll go to OSU next year and get that apartment with flowers...but it gets farther away every second. The moment I opened that letter from ND and felt the wave of elation and joy spread through me, feelings I hid from my parents for God-knows-why, I knew it wouldn't happen. And this means...it means I don't like what it means. Four years of waiting, or four years of being apart, or compromising someone's dreams, or heartbreak and trying to let go of the best thing that's ever happened to me (that's not an option per se but rather that worst case possibility that lingers in the back of my mind...I hate my pessimist side). I'll wait, and there's always holidays, but dammit this isn't right. Life shouldn't require you to choose between dreams, between people, between friends, between kinds of equally amazing cake or between steak and fondue.

I miss my childhood.

The worst part of all this is that I'm just sitting in my freezing-cold basement (that I refuse to warm up because I function better in the cold) looking at this school year like its already over and wishing with all my might that I weren't. I wish that moment on new years eve, or the ones on new years day would last forever. Hell, I'd settle for staying up till 4 AM talking forever. I hate that I can't cry and I hate myself for wanting to. I hate that I'm going to be away from you for 5 months at a time and I hate that on the surface I sound exactly like the person I never wanted to sound like. I hate that if Konstantine started playing, I would cry and that I'm always afraid that song will be my curse as well as my blessing. I hate that it feels like summer again and I'm going back to school tomorrow. I hate myself for dreading school.
I hate that every morning is the first day of the rest of my life and brings me one day closer to the future, to death. I hate that every day I wake up alone and wonder if today will be a wasted day.
I hate that today was a wasted day.

I just...I hate that I'm a pessimist. I hate that the happier I am during the day, the harder the nights are. I hate that the better the present is, the more I worry about the future. I hate that I I'm continually looking at the phone and checking aim. I hate that lonely pit in the bottom of my stomache that reminds me every morning what I have to look forward to at ND, that no matter how good the classes or the people or the sports or the dorms or anything is, I'll still be missing something.

"That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought...

What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around (come flailing down?)"

What if all this is nothing more than a dream? It can't be a dream.

"I hate that I miss you the minute the door closes...
But I love that nothing matters the moment you smile."

I think...I think I can finally imagine the future. And as much as I worry, I think its gonna be good.

I love you!

Posted by Viper37 at 07:47 PM | Comments (0)