Everyone on Jesuit except myself won the first game. How's that for a confidence booster? However, I played decently but made one miscalculation and had to drop a bishop to save myself from mate. Spent the rest of the game fighting back from that.
Second game was almost the exact opposite...to my knowledge, Benny V and I were the only two to win. I played a more or less flawless game...I'll need to go over it to be certain, but it felt really good. I love getting in someone's head so completely that they can't do anything to trick you/stop you. While he was only a froshie, the kid I beat had gone undefeated in match play all year and won a tourny down in eugene. Give him a few years and he'll kick serious ass.
Two more games today, then Dry Tech, then maybe Sader...still slightly uncertain there. We'll see.
Gotta go find some coffee now...I love you!
...and felt good. It was like a really screwy day of football camp, with girls and stuff. Only I got to goof around cause the coaches didn't care. Who knows, I might even be good this year.
Chess state matches begin tomorrow. I'll prolly end up nervous, but right now I'm more apathetic/interested without worry...I mean, how can I be nervous when I came into this season expecting to get swept and somehow didn't? Yeah. I'm gonna try to get to bed early tonight, which would definately improve my play tomorrow.
Jeff said its fine if I come a hair late to Dry Tech, and I can still leave for sader if I want. Still not sure what I'm doing, gotta do some talking still. Know that if I go, I *will* get something organized for dinner and will attempt to drag, er, encourage others to go.
I said it before and I'll say it again: planning something intentionally to conflict with something else is not classy, unless you're protesting the priorly planned event. You want a poker party? Do it before or after unless you have some strong objection to sader. Why make people choose when you could have both things? Whatever, tis not for me to judge...I just can't understand it.
I love you!
Today I got up late (around 10:30) and made myself french toast. Then I drove to tech with all the windows down and some AK3 blaring...total drive time, 11:something minutes. No record, but sub-15 is crusing if its durning daylight hours.
Tech today was fun, I got to play with wiring and see some of the show. For some reason, I still don't feel like "key crew". I mean, I know I'm going to all the shows, but the scale of this seems less than the number of cues I had for music man. I don't know...I really wanted this, and I got it, and now it almost seems mundane. I think this feeling of apathy will pass this weekend/early next week, though. That's when I'm finally involved in the show.
I need to write papers tomorrow.
Ever make a strong and sincere effort to do the right thing and feel like you just spit into hell? Absolutely no effect, or at least, no effect you thought you'd get? Yeah.
This weekend felt like summer. The freedom, the tech, the sun, the long days and long nights... its sad to realize that that's gone forever. This summer, I'll have a job. My parents kinda spelled it out for me...I need to have a regular, paying job this summer to keep them paying tuition. I don't know how this is gonna work with the much-acclaimed senior road trip. I'll have to pay my own expenses there, and I'm not gonna have much money post-graduation. I think reality is kicking my dreams to shreds. The future is starting to fly towards me. I'm not ready but at the same time I'm dying to just leap and see where the wind takes me. I think...I know one aspect of my future, though I'll admit a small part of my brain remains uncertain and unwilling to beleive I could be so lucky. But man...I need this. I need this so bad. I need for once in my life, everything does in fact work out just so with no mistakes or side trips. I need this to be the greater good, the best path, and as such the path I follow.
I need to be able to continue beleiving the world is a better place than it seems, a better place than headlines and experience would lead us to beleive. I need my faith to stay strong, I need love to stay in my heart and in my arms, I need life, liberty and happiness, I need trust and support and a loving embrace. I need for my vision to be reality, my dream to be your dream, for love to conquer all.
I'm tired of falling, of being let down, of drama, of thoughtless pain.
Tonight, I learned that drama productions really do go beyond "putting on a show". I got a taste of what actors are addicted too. I realized...I could never stay in this world too long, or else I'd get lost in it...swallowed whole without a glance back at my previous aspirations. The more I learn about life the harder it is to live.
Envy the children, they know not what it is that awaits them.
Yet...I can't wait for my future, scary as the prospect is...
C'est la vie.
Je t'aime, ma petite copine!
Forgot about the bloody post until 1 am. Enough said.
At tech today I realized why I am not rachel or scott. As much as I know, I know nothing of tech. Or rather, I have so insanely little experience that I require a great deal more time than strictly neccessary to process a complex task and will probaby make a few major mistakes anyways. Regardless, we got one leg hung and the other set to go...sorta. And I welded, so hah.
I need to stop a certain trend of jokes. I'm not sure if they ever were funny, they were more of a method for me to gently tease, but they're neither anymore. Obsession, anyone?
All I want is to fall asleep, secure and warm and safe in the knowledge that I won't wake up in a place that feels unfamiliar, a place I want to leave, a place where I know I belong. All I want is "my home"...this basement is a sanctuary, but its losing its sacredness and its cold and empty. One day...
The begining of forever, or half that long, can't come soon enough...
I love you!
It seems people take offense at this format of writing. Apparently, people can tell who and what I'm writing about and strongly dislike it. I would like to solicite opinions, if I may, of people who actually read this thing. As you all (should) know, I do this for me, not for anyone else. However, as I made the link available, I think I owe it to my friends to determine what everyone thinks. Please, tell me (here, on this blog) what you think of my previous writings. Am I too open for a public blog? Does this writing only serve to drive wedges into friendships? Please tell me your feelings so that I may decide whether to switch to something more private or maintain this format.
Today marks my first-ever Valentine's Day while in a serious relationship. For many people, today could have been a disaster: when I woke up, I found a message waiting for me wishing me a happy V-Day and informing me she was really sick and didn't think she could come to school today. But seeing as how we'd just planned on watching movies and hanging out anyways, it worked fine. I'm truely amazed at how much strength I draw from her...she's the entire reason I faced the world today, will face it tomorrow, and have the ability to go on without constantly questioning my values and qualities.
To all those people who decry the internet soley because of recent events (and who, in the same breath, preach the goodness of the phone): if you'd gotten me on the phone talking, things woulda been far worse. You'd be surprised how cutting a voice can be when someone's pissed. At least text strips the edge off it. And as for saying things I couldn't elsewhere...I could say them in person, one on one...but I'm *never* going to sit down and talk this particular one out one on one. I'm moving on.
I did learn something about myself, though...I get really really pissed when someone seriously threatens the ones I love. I may overreact out of fear and anger, but I do act immediately to protect loved ones. I've always been worried fear would cause me to freeze and I'd just sit back and let things happen. Now to see if there's a way to control these reactions...
I think...I think I've learned my vow to myself before I entered JHS was unreasonable. Or that I blatantly failed. Maybe cause I'm human and imperfect, maybe cause the world is flawed, maybe cause I wasn't as dedicated as I was the moment I made it...this saddens me. After middleschool, I decided I'd been a pretty shitty friend and wanted to change that. I vowed I would work to be the best friend to my future friends (whom I assumed I'd meet at some point) as I could. Along with this went the decision to not seek out a more intimate exclusive relationship because I didn't feel mature enough to handle one yet and doubted I could find someone else mature enough in highschool.
Here I am, four years later, in the most serious non-blood relationship of my life and greatful for it at every moment...I don't think I coulda survived this far into this year without it. However, at the same time, it seems some of my other relationships are suffering. There are a few friends I have barely seen this year, some with whom I'm still working out some newfound awkwardness, some with whom things just got awkward, and one or two whom I've either lost as friends or who never were friends at all, depending on how you look at it. Along with this comes a complete inability to relate to some people's current problems, a realization I'm only human and can't help, and some severe trust issues with a few people becaues of past betrayals. It seems much of what I built for myself here is falling away and refuses to be rebuilt.
Yeah, my life is easy, yeah, things are great and all...but I'm sick of some things. Lies, deception, rejection...people not understanding how severely it would impact those around them if anything happened to them, not understanding people are pissed because they care, not understanding that I just don't have the ability to let myself or others be hurt again, not realizing how bad things were last time nor how much that deception hurt.
I know I'm not perfect, I know I get angry, I know I piss you off...odds are, I even introduced myself as the kinda guy who pissed people off (if you met me outside of class in the last year). So why is it such a surprise that I take a hard line on what I beleive and force you to think about it? I criticized you in public at the park, I pointed out your scars for the world to see...why should I be different now? Sorry you misjudged me. Suppose you can remedy past errors in judgement now.
At least its getting easier to leave with every passing day. I'm gonna miss JHS, but its the JHS of the past, of my dreams, of ideals. I won't miss the school as it is for me now. No longer is it my sanctuary. I long to be truly home...4 years and something-odd months to go. If I can last that long. With you...with you I can. True love endures...now to undergo the test of time. That which is meant to last shall.
Please God, let it last.
I love you!
-Jeff Rosick
I remember the sunrise with you
We were so innocent and confused
You wore your pink sweater and white shirt
I remember the tan reflection off the corduroy skirt
Slivers of gray and blue shine bright from your face
As my lips dance on your stomach at the usual meeting place
You know you kill me with that giggle that you do
It always makes me melt inside
Just like the first time we kissed, after spending so many days of playing cat and mouse with our eyes
In the bonus room, when your gravity finally made me fall for you
Your sunrays and shooting stars have guided me to believe that the dream of your hand in mine will never leave me, even before
You told me to dream of angels
But I said, “No – just you.”
Then, the conversation came to an end
Then you said, “Goodnight.” Goodnight.
I’m writing you these letters, every word comes from my heart
To my hand, I cannot steady ‘cause my love is pounding
In my chest, so hard – the tempo’s speeding up to the beat of my heart counting
Three, two, one day ‘til I see you
For a few days, or maybe a week, which is just enough to get me through
The summer, sure, as long as I know you’ll be at the end
With open arms, you’ll welcome me home once again, and I’ll hear you say
“Honey, dream of angels.”
Then I say, “No, just you.”
Then the conversation comes to an end
Then you say, “Goodnight.” Goodnight.
I hope we can say, “We do.”
‘Cause I know you’re the only one I can say “I love you” to.
You will tell me to dream of angels
Then, I’ll say, “No, just you.”
Then the conversation’ll come to an end
Then you’ll say, “Goodnight.” Goodnight
I remember the sunset with you
When we reminisced about the plans of what we wanted to do
Together in a few years, we can do what we feel is right
But, for now I’m gonna dream of my angel and get ready to see another perfect sunrise
In you.
In you.
In you.
Goodnight.
Last post for tonight...I couldn't sleep without putting these up. Jeff is a genuis.
And I'm feeling better already...
I love you!
Ever said something you've been thinking for a long time but know is cruel? You never mean to say them but circumstances just align and you can't pull the words back? C'est la vie.
At least I wasn't the first to say them.
Sometimes I wonder what life would be like without that night at Gabriel Park, without some of those times at Ken's house, without going to round table after mass. Senior year... senior year has been like wading through shit wearing a gold necklace with a huge steak dinner and a shower waiting for you at the other end, with patches of green grass and hoses along the way.
That may be the worst metaphore ever, but I don't care.
Whatever happens, know that I will always love you!
I don't know if he reads this blog, but I'd like to again thank Ben for his comments on ph. You said exactly what I was feeling all last night, man. Only you had the balls to say it first.
"...for I deserve to burn"
Supposedly, these are some lyrics in a Christian rock song. I can't beleive that, but whatever. The guitar parts are nice.
Today...was today. Can't really describe it. Tech was interesting, I basically helped Zachie and a third-perioder who's name I think was Mike move around scaffolding. Zach even humored me by letting me stay on nice, solid ground. I think we built most of the set today. Guess the rest of tech will be hanging stuff, painting stuff, and getting props...
Ian's party today rocked. Man has an amazing house, amazing parents, and is a killer pool player. I eagerly ancipiate returning.
Things though...they're just weird. I don't like it. People I thought were a certain way now aren't, others seem to never have been the person I thought them, and still others seem to be able to find every one of my buttons and push them. Just my two cents, if you wouldn't do something to a guy without certain...meaning...why the hell do you think you can do it to a girl? An unwilling girl, no less? I'd think I was just being uptight and pissy but this has gone on for a while. Sorry, but she's not dating you. So don't act like she is. You're taking advantage of her kindness and charity...you know she doesn't want to hurt you and so you can get away with things. Doesn't matter, I guess. She'll never get sucked into that insanity.
No offence guys, but there is a line. Stop and consider...you blatantly lied to your parents and abused their trust. You did several highly dangerous and illegal things without a single thought to potential consequences. Sure, you had a blast - and don't get me wrong, I'm glad you did - but is that the kind of person you want to be? Thank God you didn't try to invite me on this escapade...I would have chewed your head off for daring to suggest it. As it is, I'm just shocked. Sad to think I'm square already, but then again, I never was one of the "cool kids" who did the "dangerous things" to have a good time. I have my curfew, my parents always have a vague idea where I am, and while I may try and twist the truth, I still tell them what I'm up to (point in fact...I said I was going to maggie's, knowing full well I'd be leaving there to go to tillamook and they wouldn't like that, but I still called and said where I was going and asked permission, even though they might have ordered me home). The killer, though...after doing all this, you write it up ONLINE and brag about it. Sure, maybe none of your parents use the internet, but this stuff is out there. But you're *happy* about decieving your parents? You wish you could have brought more friends with you? When did things turn so upside down?
This...this all scares me. If this keeps up, you're going to put me in some uncomfortable situations. I can only hope I'll be able to stand strong...my moral code may have softened enormously over the last four years, but I can't cope if this line is crossed.
Ya know...barring spring break...I prolly won't go back to the beach for a long time.
Dammit, why aren't I in cali right now...
Things used to be so simple.
Please don't complicate them anymore.
Note: Jeff Rossic's CD came tonight. That man is good. I highly reccomend his stuff. Talk to me if you wanna hear it.
What would you do if you had to choose between love and sanity?
I couldn't stand to be without you and I couldn't live with myself if I did that...
...if I may quote you, "please never make me choose".
And the responce I never uttered..."you've already chosen. All that remains is to live out your choice."
Yeah, I've already chosen. Lets hope I never have to live it out.
I love you!
Best way to describe how I feel. I just slept an hour and a half later than I should have (straight through my cell phone alarm, which somehow got wedged under the couch I was sleeping on instead of on top of it where it would wake me) and I'm still feeling the lack of sleep. I haven't gotten enough any night since...two weeks ago saturday, probably, and am definately missing it. Ah well.
What else has occured...I learned desperation is not attractive. Ok, so I didn't learn that, I just saw it confirmed again. People tend to try and avoid people who are desparate, making said people more desparate, leading to a downward spiral. Life's hard, isn't it?
I still have no idea how to deal with friends who can't talk together. Its kinda interesting to pay attention to who talks to who...and to what they say.
Oh, sorry for all the "rachel jokes" last night rach, I was tired and really messed up on caffine and you were an easy target cause you were kinda sleeping. AND you never answered your phone when I called, so there. :P
I've also had confirmed within myself that I really get irritated quickly with people who attempt to take things from me, particularly when they're exploiting the fact that they know I won't oppose them on it, or that politeness or manners would dictate I not oppose them. Sure, I have two cookies and you have none but we're not commies here; just because you're hungery and have no food doesn't mean I'm not starving and took positive steps (like BUYING COOKIES) to aquire food. Just a warning, though...as with the cookies, I don't mind being a jackass or a rude punk to keep things I've rightfully aquired. Perhaps passivity in the past has lead to this point where you assume I can be expoited. And your indignant anger when I refuse to confrom to your demands is merely another attempt to get my stuff, not some righteous and justified feeling that makes you superior.
(Sorry, I do have somewhat of an axe to grind here...seems too many people last week tried to take advantage of me to get things from me...though the odds of me talking about you, my faithful reader is quite low. I think the person who bugs me the most with this doesn't read here. Luckily.)
Anyhow, I've now wasted 5 minutes when I should be gettin' to tech. I hope to see you all at Ian's tonight...
I love you!
As promised the Dead Man Walking key crew list went up today...yours truly will lose his official key crew cherry working fly captain on the biggest (in terms of media attention, at least) show of the year. Scottyboy will be in the booth, (making this the first show I've worked without him directly above me in the chain of command... *whimper*) but rach is SM so she'll prolly be on stage directing and stuff. As always, there are some interesting choices for crewmembers (and some sad ommisions...A, I'll miss you...) but I feel confident there are enough good people in key places to cover any screwups. And jeff has my number...as flycaptain, I have my dream job and can't allow myself to screw up. Vive le walking dead males!
I love you!
...as weird as that movie was (Chris, Chris, Chris...naked anime chicks? Really... :P) I can't think of a better description for myself at the moment. I played chess after school against doug and held my own (after a fashion) but got royally beat on by the computer. And amazingly, this kinda took my heart out. I mean...I shouldn't care about chess. And I've never beaten this damn program, I'm just not good enough. But for some reason, losing to it time after time took away my spirit for a while...I concluded the game with no energy or motivation. And with the mindset that I'll get my ass handed to me by Benson tomorrow. Which I also shouldn't care about...except that Ben is counting on me and has confidence in me and I'd hate to let him down.
After chess, my mom took me to costco where I wandered around aimlessly, grabbing items I wanted and then putting them back when they were vetoed by my mother. And she wondered why I wasn't talkative and had no desire to make "small talk" about the coming Encounter.
I noticed a trend - when you're around, I feel so incredibly alive and happy and safe and comfortable, when you're not, I get tired and depressed and nervous and keep wanting to go somewhere else or do something else. The only exception to this is if I get too busy with something to stop and think, parts of strike serving as a good example. Next year will be hell...a part of me knows I need it and says it will be good for me (after all, I need to prove to myself I can survive on my own and am not dependent on anyone) but I know my heart will be dying. If we talk enough, I think I'll be able to cope...but it'll still hurt. And of course, there's always the fear and doubt in the back of my mind about being that far away for so long...what if you decide to move on? Hell, what if I became strongly tempted to move on (I consider that less likely...but who knows the future... >_<). And then there's being away from my family...sure, I really want to get away sometimes, but the lack of people who unconditionally love me will hurt a ton. Worst part is, when I'll really miss it will be when I really need it and when I'll be in the worst shape already. Sorta a downward spiral or something.
Thank God I'm not leading this weekend...I can't even sort my own feelings out, much less try and help others with theirs. I told my parents not to worry about doing anything special for me and went so far as to propose I might go to a party whenever I get back, if I have the energy. Someone tried to tell me today that cooks weren't really a part of the Encounter experience and I couldn't help cracking up. Funny that someone could misconstrue my reasons for going so completley. I'm cooking on this beast for two reasons: one, because Doug wanted me to and I couldn't let the man go alone, and two, to help out and give back to the Encounter. I couldn't care less about any of the perks. Sure, they're nice and all, but I've done my Encounter. And I'm so completely different from who I was then that I don't think things would affect me the same, if at all.
And honestally, an Encounter isn't what I need right now. Give me another Pilgramage, a challange to face with friends that will bind us tighter together. The last pilgramage ended one of the longest periods I'd gone without talking to a best friend and made me feel like part of a class, like being "a senior" actually meant something about my identity more than meaning I was one of the top 1/4 oldest students on campus. I felt closer to my friends as a whole than I have at any point since. I felt all that melodrama and internal division was over. After the Encounter, I felt loved and wanted to share that love but I did not feel the same unification.
That's the other thing...I feel like a ton of my relationships are shot to hell. Sure, I'm closer to one person more than ever before, and a few other friendships are flourishing, but overall I feel my friends are getting more distant. Maybe people are just branching out. Maybe I've been pushing them away. I don't know what the reason is, but I don't like it.
Mike, I miss crashing at your house and seeing you every day and always being able to talk. Remember that one time we just drove for the hell of it at the end of summer and then walked around a neighborhood and tried not to get hit by cars? We need that again. And Ken, I remember coming up to your house all the time over the summer for capture the flag and smores and movies and food. Scotty, what happened to that idea we had once for monthly poker games and moviefests? Dave, what happened to sunday breakfasts at your house? Misha and Cynda, what happened to sunday masses? Everyone, what happened to bar-b-ques and tuesday masses/breakfasts and partying after school? Why is it that this is senior year and I almost feel as anti-social as I was as a freshman? The Dow-Jones Industrial Average of my social life is showing a bear market...individual stocks are soaring but the trend is definately down. I need a huge, day-long saturday party with movies and food and games and insanity. I need our senior road trip to be more than this good idea we keep talking about that will eventually not happen. I need prom and pre-parties and post parties. I need Music Man and the flurry of cast and crew parties that anyone could come to and feel at home. I need an end to busywork and pointless papers and pressure. This is senior year for God's sake - why aren't we acting like it?
And here I am, the perpetual hypocrite, ranting about what I need and doing nothing about it. Cause I also need my free time, time when I can just veg and improvise. I don't do mass every sunday cause I need sleep. I don't party after school cause I want to veg in the hall. Parties? Who can do parties with tons of homework and pennies for cash?
When did it all become so complicated?
Why is it I just want to get in my car and race away like I did that one saturday of music man when I thought I'd been ditched by the rest of the cast/crew and speed faster and faster down winding roads with no destination and no conscious desire to ever come back, ever stop, because I felt I was finally free of the muck and ugliness?
Why is it that I still feel lost and alone at night because I can't hear your voice or your arms around me?
Why is it that Konstantine still makes me cry and Letters to You still strikes powerful chords inside me?
Why is it that I'm dying to break free of Jesuit and deathly afraid of leaving?
Why does God feel so close and yet I can't recall the last time I heard him or felt Him embrace me?
Why am I enjoying class so much and yet I hate and avoid anything resembling work (no matter how much I happen to enjoy said work...)?
Why do I keep on envying our humble Don after all the misdeeds he commits and his misguided motives?
Why do I feel the need to ramble on here, as if by so doing I will somehow improve matters?
I love you!