So I got to throw today. Which was good. Coach Rombach didn't want to let me because I'd missed three days of practice (as some teammates made a point of reminding him) and he'd heard some "interesting" stories about why I missed (again, some teammates' doings) and decided I needed to be taught a lesson. Nolan Gary, the amazing negotiator, conviced him to let me throw so long as I come to morning practice at 6 friggen AM on friday. Yeah, that's gonna suck. But Nolan's going too...he simply amazes me. Definiately on my list of kindest/most supportive people I know.
I might start lifting again in mornings...stay tuned for that.
I'm friggen tired and not doing homework. Senioritis or whatever this is sucks.
Bedtime...or as you say "Sleepy Sleepy!"
If only I'd hear the responce again tomorrow... *sigh*
I love you!
So the iHip interview went well. Joe's mom was one of the woman, and two other women were also on the "committee". They seemed to like me enough, asked questions I could answer, and didn't cut my heart out and eat it. The trash can thanked me for throwing stuff away. And I learned why no other Jesbians made it...they first cut people with less than a 3.5 GPA. Then, if you have less than a 4.0, you need a huge number of extracurriculars, AP's, and a major they like to be considered. Essays only count so much as they want people who can write and who want to do the program of their own accord and will stick with it. So yeah, my awards and experience with computers and sports and shit got me in the door. Not to mention the insane AP's. 48ish people applied, 19 interviewed, 10ish will get placements...50/50 odds for me at this point, here's hoping they love me. Good news is those who don't get placed are given priority placement to BEC, another Intel thing. So hopefully I'll get a job there one way or another. $10+ per hour means over 400 a week...which would be nice. Veeerrrryyyy nice. And I'd get to work in a fab...damn them, they made me care and get excited about this thing. I didn't want to do that...now I'll feel bad if I don't make it. Oh well.
Got into BC and their honors college today, which is cool. They promised me housing or something, too. No word on cash yet...right now, I'm still heavily leaning towards ND...if they give me money, I'll have a hell of a hard choice. Damn them.
200th post...jury's still out on how this "public diary for me" is going. Seems to be doing its job, more or less.
6 months come a week from sunday. Holy shit, eh? Grass was never so green. No need to ever look at or over fences. How the hell did I get so amazingly lucky? Blessed, that's the only word for it. I'm sure I'm gonna have to pay it forward somehow...scratch that, I'm determined to pay it forward somehow. God works in mysterious ways, after all.
I can't wait to be home.
Rombach seems pissed at me. Who knows if he'll let me keep throwing...I'm scared shitless of getting cut, but it would kinda be a relief in a way...I don't mean that. Yet I do, more free time would be nice...we'll see, I'm confident things will work out for the best.
Footloose is getting going for me...its gonna be a party. I have so much shit to wade through, though...gonna take a massive effort to graduate, it seems. Two months...then freedom.
Oh, here's what you all wanted to hear...if I get IHIP, I'll be working for at least 10 weeks straight. Right. Starting at the latest June 20th. BUT I'm apparently going back to the midwest between graduation and work. AND ND starts school earlier than most. When on earth am I gonna have a block of time to go roadtrippin or otherwise party? Once again, we'll see how it all goes down...but damn, this could suck. Not to mention that if I haven't started working yet, I'll have almost no cash. Prom's gonna bust my spendings-savings. Ah well. That night will rock.
Life's amazing...chris's tale in english just reminded me how short it could be.
I love you! (after all...you make me pretty and relax me.... ^ ^)
This entry marks the end of my spring break. Not just any spring break...this was by far the greatest spring break I have ever had. Why, you wonder?
Everything was perfect.
I do not mean to say it could not have been better...surely, it could have. And I could have more money than Bill Gates, but that probably wouldn't have made me have a better time than I did. Yeah, that good.
(note: details on days may be inaccurate by a day or two...a lot of it kinda flowed together.)
We flew down saturday morning and got into Laguna Beach around 5ish. Dinner was at BJ's, the great chicago-style pizza joint, and afterwards I returned to the hotel to make a call, watch TV, and listen to the black ocean lapping at the shore.
Sunday was a lazy beach and Godfather day (I'd brought the book with me to read on the plane and just had to finish it). I think we went to Johnny Rocket's for lunch and had pasta or something at the hotel for dinner.
Monday was another lazy day, but I read (and finished) Don Quixote, started proofing Joe's novel, and got some sandals. We also got some delicious carmel apple things, I think. Had dinner at "C'est La Vie", a spiffy little french place that taught me that Crouque Monsignores (however the hell they spelled it) are to die for...french toast, swiss cheese, ham, turkey, and some strawberry jam...yum.
Tuesday we traveled to the open air mall, ate at the cheesecake factory, and brought cheesecake back with us. Yum.
Wednesday we went to the Getty Museum, which had possibly the best architecture and location of any museum I've ever been to. The collections weren't great, they had some good peices but not very many, but the feel of the buildings, amazing gardens and unequaled view of Los Angeles and Beverly Hills more than made up for it. Sadly, we got there late and were stuck in overflow parking so we couldn't hang out as long as I wanted too, but I still enjoyed it. Afterwards, we lazily drove to LAX to pick up ma petite copine (I think we actually got lost and started driving in the right general direction...yet we still arrived a good hour before her flight landed.) before heading off to yet another cheesecake factory (in redondo beach) for dinner and take-home dessert. This time, I got my steak...and it was good.
Thursday we went to a shopping mall (a huge-ass upper class one with a giant skybridge...it had more stores than Pioneer Center, Washington Square, and Cedar Hills Crossing combined, though some were off in other buildings) for my sis to buy a bathing suit and us to look at promish dresses, shiny things, and awesome technology. Got to see some dresses on a living model and I found a Sony store that validated our stock purchase...they have some good stuff. We ate lunch at the rain forest cafe before heading back to the beach to tan.
Friday we shopped a little around laguna beach, hot tubbed, swam, and went on a kick-ass beach walk to the very limits of where I walked last year. Quite a contrast...a year ago, I walked as far as the sandy beach went blaring metallica trying to relocate God and get over an oppressive feeling of loneliness that everyone else was back in Portland having fun, while this year I walked reveling in the glory of the sun on my back, looking for "pretty things" and joking with my love. Managed to avoid the mistake of jumping on rocks or getting stranded by the tide, too. Also watched S2. And laughed at slutty sophomores.
Saturday was a surprise trip to Disney Land...we hadn't been the last few years and I'd figured with no overwhelming interest in going this year, we'd skip it. I'd forgotten how fun it can be. Kicked everyone's ass in the new buzz lightyear shooter game thing. Space Mountain was closed, which sucked, but the Matterhorn and Thunder Mountain made up for it...on the horn, I finally wasn't squished in the seat (he he he) and on Thunder I almost flew outta the car because Karolyn, Hannah, and I all shared one. Rather tight fit. We visited Ariel and ate dinner at Tony Romas...where I got a rack of Baby Back Ribs. Heaven. We missed the light show because everyone was tired, but it was ok.
Sunday was Easter and another lazy day. We did some shopping around so Karolyn and Hannah could get presents for people and then Karolyn and I decided to run off to BJ's by ourselves for a nice dinner and another walk on the beach...only after waiting half an hour to be seated, being told our order couldn't be made 20 minutes after ordering, having our waitress go on break without telling us, and then having them "forget" to make my pizza, we got a free meal...but spent more than two and a half hours in/around the restraunt. It got dark and cold by the time we were done, so we went back and watched movies with my sis. We did find a tiny yet cool park with a great ocean view before dinner, though.
Monday (today) we flew back after eating leftovers. Only thing of interest is that Karolyn and I finished (all but like 2 squares) both the New York Times and Los Angeles Time crosswords, a first for both of us. I also read both papers cover to cover. Interesting stories were the challenge of the Endagered Species Act, Challenges to File Sharing, Schroder Resolution, and the idea that Evangelical churches are becoming more and more like the corporate society they claim to reject. Gotta love it.
So what's next? IHIP interview tomorrow, 11 english papers, a religion project, a bio project, history and physics and english ap's, footloose, track, finals...its gonna be a rocky road, but it is downhill. I can't wait for summer and freedom, even if I will be working...
College will be hard but at least I know I need it.
I think.
I love you!
TIVO's up right now (as of this post). Just wanted you all to know.
So tonight I did 4ish loads of laundry (so I'd have clean clothes again) and ate dinner with the fam at the Melting Pot -- possible the best restraunt in Portland. We spent two and a half hours there, had three courses, and it was heaven. Start off with cheese fondue -- one pot swiss, one pot chedder -- with bread and veggies and apple to dip. Then salads. Then the main course -- one pot of oil with two kinds of batter and one pot of wine/oil mix with shrooms and garlic and things in it for flavoring -- complete with steak and chicken for dipping. The the coup d'etat: one pot of dark chocolate/white chocolate and one pot of "s'mores" (no idea what this was, but it tasted great) with strawberries, bannanas, graham crackers, pound cake, cheese cake, cherries, brownies, and marshmellows for dipping. They even lit the smores pot on fire for a moment...it was pretty.
All in all, it took over two and a half hours. Yeah, that's the way dinner should be. And a table for five makes for a great send-off dinner.
But then again, come wednesday, all is reunited.
So tomorrow morning I leave for Laguna Beach, California to stay until Easter Monday. One week of paradise, even if the weather sucks. And don't worry, I'm taking the Don.
What else is there of interest...at the moment, my sis is probably going to St. Mary's next year (despite my pressure for JHS). I might talk her out of it over break, though.
I'm an ASM for Footloose, despite thinking I cancelled my request. I'm gonna miss several days though...but I'm guilt free cause I warned Jeff that would happen. *shrug* All the benefits, none of the cost.
Prom is gonna rock...I hope we crash at Ken/Dave's again.
Love is a remarkable thing. To quote another:
"Looks like we made it,
Look how far we've come my baby.
We might have took the long way,
We knew we'd get there someday.
They said, 'I'll bet they'll never make it'
But just look at us holding on,
We're still together, still going strong..."
Yeah. 4 years and days 9 days shy of 7 months to go. But you have no idea what that means. Suffice to say...
"It's everything that I can do right now to not think about you moving further off with every passing second. Every night of this lonely summertime I feel you missing from my heart, a part was ripped out of my soul. Well, I can hardly wait until I get the sun and your lips both pressing on my skin. Well I can hardly wait, until I feel that thrill in my heart that starts inside your eyes. And that song in my head that burns so good on my tounge...yes I will, yeah...You know, all my favorite singers have stolen all of my best lines."
And perhaps one more:
"Sometimes I've been wondering if good times fade away,
and things always turn out this way.
You're one of the many things that make me face the day,
I'm so glad you're here with me.
It's not your fault that you're in pain,
I just can't explain what you mean to me.
Meant what I said,
meant what I did,
it's all for you.
And then I tried to look inside, look in my own head.
I realized something wasn't there.
Then I saw your face staring back at me,
and everything was falling into place.
It's not your fault that you're in pain,
I'm glad things have turned out this way,
I can't explain what you mean to me,
Cause you've always been there for me.
Meant what I said,
meant what I did,
It's all for you.
I'll try and be there for you..."
I'll always be there for you.
Its all Nothing Short of a Miracle. Or so it goes.
Sometime, try and stop to count your blessings. I think you'll find the number larger than you could ever imagine.
Happy spring break, y'all...don't watch too many movies. Sunshine's good for ya. ;D
I love you!
Apparently, I'm an iHip finalist. Go figure. It musta been the transcript, or reccomendation letters...I seriously wrote the essay thing in about 20 minutes after school. And lets not talk about the "resume". Either that, or they make a lot of people finalists. Or something.
I might have to miss school/track for the interview.
Joy.
Karolyn was sick today, which sucked.
And my throwing form is improving.
I love you!
Tonight marks the conclusion of Dead Man Walking.
Also of my time as fly captian.
And of my time as a key crew member.
Yeah, I can't do footloose...sorry dudes/dudettes, there's just too many time conflicts. Maybe I'll come to a lot of shows, if you need/want me too...who knows.
We avoided killing anyone tonight, despite some errors of negligence/inexperience on my part and prolly on the parts of others. I almost flew the 4th electric in while cords were zip tied to the grid, which woulda been bad. Then I didn't watch an electric twice, once a light was only partially off and once a guy was almost hanging on it. Then I forgot to pay attention to make sure people on the grid heard what I said. Luckily Ryan prevented true tragedy...and wasn't too pissed.
*shrug*
I'm not exactly sad to see the show end, in fact, I'm kinda glad to have my life back, but it went really fast. Incredibly fast. And it was no Music Man. But I didn't break anything, always a plus. I dunno...I got kinda freaked out seeing people cry today. I knew it would happen, of course...but still. The fact that its over isn't that big of a deal to me, maybe because I wasn't emotionally invested enough. I always felt a bit on the fringes, I never went out with people to greet the audience cause it just didn't seem like my place. I was told repeatedly that I was needed there...but in reality, I wasn't. We were overstaffed and my contribution was rather trivial, at least during each show. In hindsight, I feel kinda bad I took a spot that coulda gone to someone who would have put so much more into it and gotten a lot more out of it. C'est la vie.
I feel like I'm drifting away from people and I have no way to change that. I'm a lot pissier with some people now, like my patience for stupidity has expired at the same moment my own stupidity has increased. Perhaps the clearest example is last night...I opted to come home and make a pizza and be a loner rather than go to a cast/crew party or go hang and write the tech show...something I was dying to do last year. I see other people doing things or planning things, and I kinda avoid it, not wanting them to feel a need to include me or something. At the same time, I almost don't include other people in things anymore (with obvious exceptions...). Whatever it was that made me more social at JHS must be wearing off. Either that, or I've reached my limit for pain and drama and the crap that comes with both. Or maybe I've finally got that love/acceptance/trust that I always sought in a complete and total form, and all the shallower things that go on just feel fake. That, and I genuinely think a lot of people don't want me around anymore. That doesn't bother me in the slightest, but it does weaken other relationships because I avoid social things because I know some people don't want me there.
Funny how things change with time. I can still remember walking into JHS as a froshie promising myself I'd be the best friend I could. Now...I don't know if I feel used/abused, but I definately am more apathetic. Trusting is harder, caring is harder, being considerate is harder...I realized the other day that some things I said really hurt someone, but they couldn't admit it to me because doing so would be too painful...and if I acknowledged I knew about the hurt, they'd be embarrsed and in more pain...so I just kinda backed off. Its sad, though...they were one of the people who have been most supportive/friendly to me recently, and now I know things can't quite be the same. Or maybe they can...they're a much better person than I am.
You're a much better person than I am...I can't possibly be worthy. But you think I am, and you wouldn't be wrong...mmm. Who am I to judge, I suppose.
I think I'm begining to see how some christian groups can so readily talk about being unworthy, terrible people. Its an attractive idea, and explains away all the bad about someone. I've decided I want to try and make myself worthy. Hell of a task, that one. We'll see how it goes.
"Lift a match, for I deserve to burn, burn, burn..."
I'm scared of college. I felt it today, thought about it...and I'm genuinely afraid. Such a change, you're so far away, my family is so far away...I'm finally "adult". I've never been that. Never really wanted that. Responcibility scares me. Maybe I should stay close to home. Go somewhere cheap. And yet...if I don't do this, won't I always regret it? How can I back down from this challenge? From this opportunity? Yet what if we change, if I blow this, if its just not meant to be? I once said a prayer...I asked that if this is supposed to happen, and last, and it would be good, that it would happen. I asked that if it were doomed to failure, or it wouldn't work, or bad would come from it ultimately, that nothing would happen and you'd stay pissed at me and I'd move on. But you didn't, and here we are. Destiny, fate, dumb luck...here we are. And man, am I scared of ever having to face life without you...being alone was never so terrifying. You've done the impossible, convinced me that I'm better than the person I see in the mirror, that I'm not some asshole/jerk/bastard that gets under people's skin and pisses them off for no reason. My life has more value on it now then I'd ever thought it could, all because you couldn't stand for that to happen. Because you don't want it too. Four years is a long time, hell, the months between vacations are a long time. But this will work...because its right. The future is both glorious and terrifying...
Crap, there I go, bringing myself to the verge of crying out of love and fear and worry and pride...actually, just about every emotion seems able to swirl around inside me right now. Its overpowering and awesome...yet still, I feel cold and alone because I'm forced to tell all this to a lifeless screen because you're 10 miles away, an insurmountable distance at this moment. And the thought that I'm going to wake up again, in the dark, alone, lost and confused...it haunts me. But you know what? You took away my nightmares and filled in the missing pieces in my heart and soul...I no longer need pain to know I'm alive.
This is all...
Nothing Short of a Miracle.
I'm gonna make that playlist. One of these days...that will help me drown the silence.
Goodnight all.
I love you!
Breakfast with fam, show, dinner, strike, strike dinner...long day.
On a positive note, my SMG team is 6th and 17th or so, respectively. If only we hadn't bought apple and wcg... >_<
I have to decide about Footloose by tonight. Parents don't want me on Key. I dunno... I need free time, yet this show will be fun. AP's though... crap.
I don't wanna choose, but I have to.
Dammit.
Spring break's almost here...I can't wait.
I love you!
Sometimes, you just feel alive. Tonight, after the party, we decided since we still had a while to kill before curfew (after getting it extended, I'm not gonna waste it) we'd go drive. I decided I wanted to see lights. So we went up to skyline and drove really slow and looked at the pretty lights, and tried to identify what was what, etc. Then it was time to sorta head home. So I drove along skyline, remember that once I did that and ended up on saltzman. I don't know what went wrong, but either I saw the wrong saltzman tonight or it got boarded up, cause the one I found was a dead end. So we tried some experimental roads. I ended up on "Old Germenation" with a 45 MPH speed limit and three miles of <25 MPH turns with not a car in sight. I got a bit nervous, specially when I thought I saw a deer running around the road and then realized it was the shadow cast by my headlights. Anyhow, eventually I hit Kaiser. My dead-reckoning sense of direction got me home, by way of that shopping complex we stopped at sunday after prom last year. Deja Vu.
Tomorrow is the show and stuff, I think I'm gonna go shopping in the morning/afternoon and kinda hang out.
Oh, and no Rachel, we didn't watch any movies. Sorry to disapoint. :P
I love you more than I can ever say
yet I will try to let you know, day by day,
how much you mean to me,
to my joy, my safety, my sanity
I'll write poetic verse
and not open your purse
and always answer the phone
for with you, I'm never alone.
So pardon me when I moan
that my love will not be outshown
by all the stars in the skies
or all the billions upon billions of fire-flies
Your praises I will sing
until my mic from me you fling.
Ok, I'm to tired and rhyming gets worse as time goes on...I almost did "poem" and "show 'em" but figured I'd better sleep. Yeah. Cantos, here I come! Heh.
I love you!
Last night, I was scared, truly scared, for the first time in a long time.
Last night I realized I was mortal.
Last night I woke up in a pitch black deathly silent room and realized I was alone.
Last night, I looked at my life - everything so far, everything I expected in the future.
Last night, I realized at some point I must die.
Last night, I thought about death and ends and the unknown and knew fear for I must face it alone and I cannot win this battle.
For everyone dies. Sooner or later, this amazing life comes to an end and we are forced into...what? For an eternity, I contemplated eternal nothingness. Blinking out, just like that. Darkness...then nonexistance. Does life matter if the slate is so perfectly cleaned? If I can't remember my life did I ever exist? How can I overlook this end and try to live a happy life - why aren't I trying desparately to find some way to protect my life and the lives of those I love? Why am I alive? Why live if all must end in death, if all goods and wrongs will be made equal when the power is permenatnely turned off, the paper burned, the pen destoryed, the slate wiped clean and shattered into nothingness?
I used to think about death as a child. I would awake from a nightmare alone in my room and realize I'd almost died in my dream. And then I'd wonder what death would be like, and begin to shake. Fear. Terror. Inevitability. Fate.
I got over it, though. I learned to just live and see what happens. I accepted God, and saw Him everywhere...but always, in the back of my mind, this fear. What if I'm wrong? What if its meaningless? What if when I die, I cease to exist? Over and done with. Gone forever, except in the memories of the living...soon to die.
Mortality.
I grabbed the phone and began pressing on speeddial, dying to hear a voice...I was too scared to think about the lock on the phone. Figuring it had died, I unsteadily got off the couch and stumbled to the computer, bringing eerie music to life:
"Everybody's got their problems. Everybody says the same thing to you. Its just a matter how you solve them, and how to change the things you've been through.
I've come to realize how fast life can be compromised.
With all these pictures running through my mind...consequences running through my mind. I feel so useless in this.
Part of me won't agree, cause I don't know if its for sure. Suddenly, suddenly, I don't feel so insecure..."
Signs are all around us. You just have to know where to look.
I'm still afraid...tonight, I began to shake with rage during a prayer service for a man about to die. A man who killed a family in one insane moment. At first, I thought certainly this man should not die; he was reformed. Then I pictured myself in that doomed family...walking in the door, seeing a dark figure, yells, panic...moving to attack, defend my loved ones...but he's faster. Kneeling on the floor, hands tied, weeping voices...the inescapable knowledge I failed in the moment that really mattered. Then, the touch of metal, a click...and its gone.
Then I pictured myself waking up to the news another was dead. The flood of emotions...pure, unbridled rage...the realization that Alex's character is me... "I should have shot him right there, dead."
I would shoot him, right there, dead.
A level deeper...the killer is not so far removed from myself.
Would I deserve to die?
Does he?
In the past, I've driven with no concern for my own life. Take a chance, feel free and alive, if only for a moment.
Tonight, I drove with a hunger to live.
Yet I feel God. Meaning is here. I see it every morning at school. On the field, I feel value. The sun...glory. Your voice...salvation.
I don't know what Heaven is. Hell cannot be worse than oblivion. The unknown is terrifying. We're all psychotic, its just a matter of circumstance. We cannot judge another, yet were I in those shoes, I would judge.
Hypocritical.
Human.
Yet Heaven must exist. If it doesn't, then life is random and meaningless and God a figment of imagination. I feel God. I see reason and order. Heaven awaits, but I'm not anxious to get there.
I can never express how much I love you...
Today after the show, I walked out to the tennis court lot with my techie compadres and realized it was really bright. Once again, it feel like summer. I was free, if only for the 15 mintues it took me to get home. I cranked the SoCo (I woke up in a car) and skidded outta there. Some days, you just gotta drive.
My back really hurts, I think I pulled something somehow.
English papers suck.
That is all.
I love you!
Speaks for itself. Amazingly though, I don't mind. The dog was happy, it came over and licked me later, and I got some other food. That's life right now...cake or lemons, it makes no difference because I can always go to a friend's and eat for free. Or go to a restraunt and have it my way. Yeah, I'm kinda tired. English paper tomorrow...today, crap.
I saw a car accident today. And about 12 cops, 10 at the accident, one pulling over a guy as I drove home, and one raced ahead of me and stayed there for a while before turning off.
I forgot how amazingly soothing it is to drive home late at night, even if my mind isn't all there.
"I wanna hear good new good new, I wanna be innocent again, I wanna hear good new, good news, I wanna sleep well at night again, I wanna hear good new, but nothing good is happening..." but oh it is, you just need to know where to look.
Innocent again.
I love you!
I'm tired, show went well, Maddy rules and her food is awesome, and I love extended curfew's. It's weird being the last to leave, though. Must say though...I felt better at tonight's show than at any since Music Man.
But man...footloose is gonna rock.
Eve 6 lyrics for the night:
I quit lookin at the clock,
it will only bring me down and it wont bring you here.
If I pulled out all the stops and a little less of my hair,
could I bring you here is my favorite white bic light,
it can undarken the night and keep it with you close
as I wave your eastbound plane away
Too scared to pray my eyes are too dilated to see without you here I feel my fear [x2]
without you here I feel my fear
I don稚 wanna rock, I wanna roll on top,
of you and not let go with me to second street and A, 'cause we'd tear up the place
I miss your pretty face
Too scared to pray my eyes are too dilated to see without you here I feel my fear [x2]
without you here I feel my fear [x4]
I love you!
Went well. Messed up a few bits, but nothing terrible. At the end, I felt good...but I kinda napped through the first hour.
Much thanks for trying to cheer me up during the show...and no, I wasn't down at all because of anything you did. I hadn't even realized you felt guilty over anything until you apologized...but that hadn't hurt me, you were well within bounds and we all know how stress shortens tempers. I'm afraid...I'm afriad I'm feeling the same thing I did during spitfire, where I'm kinda outta place and not clicking as much as I should. I mean...ok, so the jail cell is misweighted, but really, anyone could fly it. And I spend an hour doing nada. The show's been great to work on...but now it seems to be degenerating into a fabric of boredom with spots of excitement...and I just get...lonely, maybe. Like, everyone else there has something to do except me, I'm kinda the fifth wheel again. Which is sad, cause I'm key and I'm one of the very few (three?) people who actually know what's going on with the fly rail and what can and can't fly where. But that doesn't matter during the show. Maybe tomorrow I'll bring my iPod...but that's lame...
*sigh*
Suffice to say I start feeling like I should be somewhere else, like I'm unneeded where I am. Tonight my little sis was home alone cause the rents were outta town and I shoulda been home with her. She was in bed when I got home tonight. I feel bad about that. Same thing will happen tomorrow, only worse, cause I hopefully will attend a post-show party. At least that should help with the boredom.
Crap, I'm so irresponcible these days. Whatever happened to me? I used to be good at doing everything I do...now I skip out on everything I can. Only so much time, I guess.
I love you so much...driving away is the hardest thing in the world. Sucks to have to do one thing when all you want and care about is the opposite.
I worry I'm picking fights now...I need some huge outburst to cleanse myself. Too much tention building up.
Now, iCrash.
My hands burn from the damn ropes, I'm tired as hell, but tech's starting to feel like tech again.
I think my family is afraid I'm dead...I've seen them for all of five minutes or so since...thursday night?
Damn, been awhile.
Lyrics I'm listening too right now:
Close your eyes, and I will be swimming
Lullaby's fill your room, and I will be singing
Singing to only you
Don稚 forget ill hold your head
Watch the night sky fading red
But as you sleep, and no one is listening
I will lift you off your feet, ill keep you from sinking
Don't you wake up yet, cause soon ill be leaving you
Soon ill be leaving you, but you won't be leaving me
In the car, the radio leaves me searching for your star
A constellation of frustration driving home
Singing my thoughts back to me, and watching heartache on TV
But as you sleep, and no one is listening
I will lift you off your feet, I値l keep you from sinking
Don't you wake up yet, cause soon ill be leaving you
Soon ill be leaving you, but you won't be leaving me
Don't forget I値l hold your head, watch the night sky fading
red
But as you sleep, and no one is listening
I will lift you off your feet, I値l keep you from sinking
Don't you wake up yet, cause soon I値l be leaving you
Soon I値l be leaving you, but you won't be leaving me
I wish I were...no...time's not right. I'm dying to leave...both senses. Gotta get the hell away from here and doing so might kill me. I wish it weren't so far. But really...it'll never be far enough. Never let go.
I love you!
(Hey...give me space so I can breathe, give me space so I can scream...but I can't breathe, I can't sleep, give me just one wish cause I swear that's all I need...all I need...)