So, I'm making these mixes. It started out as one mix, just a greatest songs ever sorta thing when I realized I hadn't made a mix for myself in ages. Then I decided to make a mix of songs that describe our senior year. I'll post a list of what I have here in a while...in the meantime, feel free to post your suggestions. Juniors/sophs can chip in thoughts if they want too. It's all good.
It feels good.
Maggie, give me tapes and dvd's.
That is all.
I love you!
So tonight was my first "production night" with footloose. Went well, I suppose.
In track we had a fun day, which rocked. Then afterwards, I hung out breifly with Nolan and Chris Long Chris P. and others who's names I won't try to spell and talked about prom and stuff. Was quite entertaining. Then Rachel saved me from hunger when I begged her to take me to her house for food and she concented. Always nice to get a chance to talk to the Finn, and her mom was soooooo nice giving me food. I ended up with chicken and rice and a salad and an orange and lots of cookies and ice tea. Yum.
I miss you...sucks to be too tired to drive over and pick you up.
Yeah, I skipped the party tonight...tired and bitchy isn't a good combination. I can very close to slapping someone today, no need to put myself somewhere where I'd actually do it.
Here's my question for consideration...some people complain about blogs and how bloggers will talk about people/events instead of talking to those people directly. Would you say it is worse to blog about someone pissing you off (knowing they'll eventually read it and know you're talking about them) or to talk to friends about them pissing you off, perhaps not realizing how much will filter back to them? Just a question of values.
That said, thank God for graduation. Another year here and I might go crazy. Not because of the school, though I suppose that plays in, but because of the people/relationships. It seems sad that after just 4 years we've gotten to the point that the "highschool drama" and all is tearing everyone apart. I was trying to figure out today how many people I still feel really comfortable around, and why it is that that number has shrunk so much since sophomore year. Or perhaps, just changed...
*sigh*
Oh well. I found ND webcams...they have a mac computer lab. Life is good, I suppose.
I love you!
So I underwent my first drug test the other day. It was rather anticlimatic. Got lost twice on stupid one way streets, find the place, walk in, and 5 minutes later I'm out the door. Go figure.
Coffeehouse...what can I say, I loved it. My favorite performance is rather obvious, but this coffeehouse stood out by the talent of all involved. Generally, there is one or two acts who seems to lack ability. This time, however, I noticed none of that. My only complaint was that Alex, while talented in his reading, should have selected a piece both shorter and more self-contained (any work that needs a five minute introduction because you're begining on the last pages is probably a bad idea.
Yeah, I think that was the longest coffeehouse I can remember. I had a flashback to last year when I booked it at 11:15...though technically, the midnight curfew was in effect, I was wanted home earlier (sister's birthday today, some setup required). Unfortunately, I got home to find the setup mostly complete...oh well.
Party with the fam today, with tech tomorrow...and who knows when I'm doing my homework.
Vive la revolution!
I love you!
There are few movies capable of arousing extreme emotion in me. Return of the Jedi brought me to tears long ago when I visualized myself orphaned and alone. Lost in Translation, which I rank as my favorite movie, was the greatest example of catharsis I have ever experienced--it filled me up, then drained me fully in a positive way. When Harry Met Sally touched me and made me feel warm and fuzzy in side. The Little Mermaid made me sing along when I was young and still warms my heart when I hear the opening bars of Under The Sea. Fight Club gave me an antihero. Matrix enthralled me. LotR took me on adventures and helped me to loose myself. There have been more, I cannot recall them all of the top of my head.
Note: of all the movies I can recall, only RotJ made me cry. I think there has been one other one that I do not remember at the moment. Tonight, I added a new film to this roster: Gladiator. I've watched pieces of it many times, beginning with a football dinner sophomore year. Yet tonight was the first time I watched it all the way through, uncut. And it was beautiful. And at the end...I noticed the screen was kinda blurry. And amazement of amazement, one tear fell.
Why, you may wonder, could this movie suceed in jerking a tear where most others fail? A man attains glory, knowing he must die. He fights off all odds to do so. He vindicates his loved ones after they are stripped from him. He devotes his life to an ideal and obtains it. As sappy as this is, I see in him all the ideals I've always wanted to reach: honor, dedication, love, idealism, an ability to lead, the knowledge of where to lead, and a capacity to accomplish good. And yet, just as he stands for what I believe in, he is struck down -- his family horribly murdered, his leader strangled to death, his close compainions killed trying to help him. He persists and wins, yet despite the happy ending, the story remains a tragedy of corruption. Maybe evil doesn't win, but it extracts a heavy cost for its defeat.
Death smiles at all of us, all we can do is smile back.
Next on my list are a string of feel-good movies. I won't reach them untill thursday or the weekend, but I plan on enjoying them fully.
Track tomorrow, Bio thing thursday, coffeehouse friday, sis's birthday saturday, tech on sunday, footloose every day next week...things are getting busy. I gotta get drug tested for iHIP. And I'm gonna be missing more track to work on projects and things. Yay. Sleepless in portland, anyone?
I love you!
In bits and pieces, my relatives are attempting to take over my life for a week. Not that I blame them for wanting to come out and celebrate, surely they've missed seeing us (This year, we missed our first Christmas with them since I was born, I think) but they are slowly going above and beyond. First, only a few on mom's side were coming...she eagerly began planning a day trip to the beach, or a trip up to Mt. Hood, or a trip to Sunriver. Finally, she settled on a week/weekend (not fully sure which, they don't want to tell me for fear I'll object) in Sunriver with the option to go to the beach aswell. And better news, only one pair will sleep in the house...they're not renting out *my* basement (yet, anyways) and will prolly put my mom's parents in our guest bedroom. Everyone else is being told to get a hotel room.
But now...my dad's side has realized I'm not coming back to visit them post-graduation. In light of this, some of them are now eager to come visit too. This causes several problems...the first being, I've never seen the two sides mix. I had thought the only time it would happen would be at my wedding. How on earth are we supposed to react to two separate sets of guests at once? Don't get me wrong, I love them all to death...but the duties of host are vast and laborous. And I'm gonna be in a mood to celebrate, not to appease others. I think I've figured out what my demands will be...nothing will be allowed to interfere with graduation parties/celebrations or work, and anywhere they expect to drag me they need to be willing to offer Karolyn transportation and lodging too. Sadly, I think they know this is an empty threat...I'm too nice to coerce her into spending that long with my relatives. And to steal her away from her happy relatives would be criminal.
I'm sure everything will work out, I'm just worried about me. Cause I do stupid things sometimes, and this environment sounds like one in which I'd do something stupid. Like get irritated with a loving relative for inadvertantly keeping me from friends. Or neglecting family at what may be my last time to be with all of them for many years. Or neglecting friends I won't see for months. C'est la vie, it will work out.
I think I just realized something. Despite all my apprehention about what's going to happen...
...I'm really, really touched that they care this much. Why do they? Its not like I've done anything great for them ever, I've never been the perfect grandson/nephew/cousin....hell, I've been the one recently begging to stay home. Then again, I've also been the one left in hotel rooms alone while adults go to party and my female cousins and sis run around having fun...but they're all great people. And I'm excited to see them all. It'll be so incredibly crazy...but I'm excited.
Hey, how often are you the cause of a major family gathering? How often is it a postive one? ;D
Yeah...
forever, and ever, lets make this last forever.
Blink-182, how well you know me...a trip down musical memory lane.
I love you!
Yeah. This weekend has rocked. PF Chang's (I'm broke again, dammit.), naps, soccer game, maggie's, 106.7, brownies (most tastey), sleep, looking at pictures, aimless driving around hillsboro, my first "real" job, thoughts of graduation...
Mmm.
So tonight I got a little taste of hydroplaining. Nothing serious, just a curious dragging feeling as I went through deep puddles. Made me wonder why no one had crashed on 217 yet, seeing as people were racing past me through the puddles.
Tonight...destiny was calling me. I felt the future, and I was happy. Not just happy...thrilled, excitied, exhilerated, satisfied...my brain's pretty dead or I'd come up with a better word. I was "most pleased" with the state of the union. Or something. I realized I'd set some goals for myself a while back. Some were set back when I was too young to realize I was setting them. Some at the start of highschool. Some a year ago. But all of them...attained or within reach. Or rather, I could see a path to their solution. For the first time. There are some long term ones that are in need of work...how am I going to improve the world? But for now... "in this moment I am happy, happy. I, I wish you were here." And so on.
A friend pointed something out to me...everything he's been stressing about, I had. I've been realizing stuff like that recently...the things others are worried about and value, the things I used to worry about, I have. And yeah, they're all things I value greatly. The sad irony is how strange some of it feels. I still can't wrap my mind around my employment, or ND (ok, getting into Cornell), or the cost of college, or the fact that its been SIX MONTHS and I'm in heaven and I...I know how I want to live my life, and I'm excited for tomorrow, and for four years from now (or five) and for life. Words escape this feeling. I don't mean to say that I didn't used to love life, but there have been definate moments where I wondered what the point of it all was and if it was worth it. I used to question my exsistance, wonder if someone else wasn't meant for this and by some weird chance I came to be. I used to think about death, about that terrible opressive darkness decending upon me and swallowing everything I've ever known, about the end of conscious thought or just a black eternity so terribly ALONE, and I question if God cared. I hate to say it, but I can remember a preteen self "testing" God, asking for things to happen or work out and swearing alligence if they did.
Ya know what?
I was never let down.
Thou Shall Not Test The Lord Your God.
And I haven't since, and I haven't doubted Him. Maybe I still question what He's like, but I know He loves and cares about me. Why He does, though...that's the mystery.
Yet now I have a reason to get up, to graduate, to go to college, to get that job, to earn money, to buy a house and a car and settle down. I remember asking my parents what the point was, and they could never really explain it. I remember wanting to do something, anything, to break the system. I would sit in the car wondering what it would be like to punch out the window. Or to have someone try to kill me. Or to run away and live on the streets. Something always kept me on track, saved me from my own stupidity, prevented me from screwing up too badly...God.
Someone asked me to describe my faith a little while ago and I more or less refused. This is why. I can't describe it. I know God exsists and loves me, and for some reason He's looking out for me and guiding me. I like to think its because I'm meant to do something great, to improve things here, but who knows? I'm content with what I know and don't feel pressed to conform with anyone else's view of God. So far, the Catholic Church has served as His vessel for me (so I don't intend to willingly leave it) but I'm very open to other religions/sects serving Him.
That's my bit on religion.
After reflecting on things to date, I gotta agree with those blinking posters in Higgins room.
Life is why.
Faith is why.
Love is why.
I love you!
-forever and always,
J. K. B.
Well...
I got the job. ^ ^
Yeah, I'm pretty excited. She scared the shit outta me when I finally got ahold of her, said she needed to find my file and I started thinking "crap, she's gonna read off everything I messed up" but instead she read off everything I did right. I'm gonna get a call in the next few days formally offering me employment.
Missed track, though, cause I freaked out when I got a secretary type who said she'd be back soon and I should call again. Then, as I head down late, I realized I had NO shoes or clothes. I suck.
But I'm employed...mom thought she'd never see me get a job as a teen. Showed 'em all, hah!
I love you!
...but I wasn't here. Her only message was to please call her back. In my excitement, I immediately did so...only to realize as I got her answering machine that there was no way she'd still be in the office. Ugh. So I'll call tomorrow after school or something, or she'll call tomorrow night...one day of waiting. At least she wants to tell me the news personally...that's probably a good sign. Right?
Track sucked, but who cares.
You are all going to prom. That's my mission. Or something.
I suck as a creative writer. Strangely, I like my weird guitar freestyling recording from ages ago. Go figure.
I love you!
*There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Lunch...
Anything free will end up costing you twice as much in the long run or won't be worth diddly-squat.
Today's quote compliments of Robert Heinlein...The Moon is a Harsh Mistress
Reading for pleasure rocks.
I love you!
I can now state with some degree of certainty that I will be joining the rabid horde of fighting irishmen and women next year.
Yeah, I'm insanely excited. And scared...its a long ways.
And a long time...4 years is almost a quarter of my life to date. Crap. Hope, beleive, trust...faith will pull us through.
I love you!
Thank God I've been terrible at it so far. If I weren't...yeah, that's suck.
Contrary to what many people seem to think, I constantly underestimate and devalue myself. I was surprised to get into every school I did except Loyola Chicago (only reason for the exceptoin is that I was assured admitance when I talked to their rep).Btw, the current (and final, I think) college tally is thus:
ND: accepted
BC: accepted
CU: accepted
SCU: accepted, full ride counting loans
LUC: accepted, full ride (heh, at least)
I'll be deciding tomorrow (well, later today...) if I know where I'm going or if I'm going to vist some/all of them. We'll see how it goes. I'm heavily leaning towards ND...but nothing's certain till the check's sent.
If you think I'm perfect...yeah. Then I'll be perfect, because I trust you more than myself. Cause when I'm with you, all my fears melt away. Bliss. Thank you so much.
Tonight's lyrics...yeah, kinda sappy. "This Kiss" has had a special place in my heart ever since sixth grade outdoor school. My first week away from home/my family AND my music. I vowed I'd remember the last song to play on the radio on the bus and use it to get through the week. As luck would have it, it was "This Kiss" by Faith Hill. Go figure.
The other song, "The Way You Love Me" paraphrases a thought that almost made me break down...powerful stuff. Without further ado:
*****
"This Kiss"
don't want another heartbreak
I don't need another turn to cry, no
I don't want to learn the hard way
Baby hello, oh no, goodbye
But you got me like a rocket
Shooting straight across the sky
It' s the way you love me
It's a feeling like this
It's centrifugal motion
It's perpetual bliss
It's that pivotal moment
It's, ah, impossible
This kiss, this kiss
Unstoppable
This kiss, this kiss
Cinderella said to Snow White
"How does love get so off course
All I wanted was a white knight
With a good heart, soft touch, fast horse
Ride me off into the sunset
Baby I'm forever yours"
It's the way you love me
It's a feeling like this
It's centrifugal motion
It's perpetual bliss
It's that pivotal moment
It's, ah unthinkable
This kiss, this kiss
Unsinkable
This kiss, this kiss
You can kiss me in the moonlight
On the rooftop under the sky, oh
You can kiss me with the windows open
While the rain comes pouring inside, oh
Kiss me in sweet slow motion
Let's let everything slide
You got me floating
You got me flying
It's the way you love me
It's a feeling like this
It's centrifigal motion
It's perpetual bliss
It's that pivotal moment
It's (ah) subliminal
This kiss, this kiss
It's criminal
This kiss, this kiss
It's the way you love me baby
It's the way you love me, darlin'
It' s the way you love me
It's a feeling like this
It's centrifugal motion
It's perpetual bliss
It's that pivotal moment
It's (ah) subliminal
This kiss, this kiss
It's criminal
This kiss, this kiss
It's the way you love me baby
It's the way you love me darlin'
*****
"The Way You Love Me"
If I could grant
You one wish
I'd wish you could see the way you kiss
Ooh, I love watching you
Baby
When you're driving me crazy
Ooh, I love the way you
Love the way you love me
There's nowhere else I'd rather be
Ooh, to feel the way I feel with your arms around me
I only wish that you could see the way you love me
The way you love me
It’s not right
It’s not fair
What you're missing over there
Someday I'll find a way to show you
Just how lucky I am to know you
Ooh, I love the way you
Love the way you love me
There's nowhere else I'd rather be
Ooh, to feel the way I feel with your arms around me
I only wish that you could see the way you love me
The way you love me
You're the million reasons why
There's love reflecting in my eyes
Ooh, I love the way you
Love the way you love me
There's nowhere else I'd rather be
Ooh, to feel the way I feel with your arms around me
I only wish that you could see the way you love me
The way you love me
The way you love me
Ooh, the way you love me
The way you love me...
*****