So today I cleaned the rest of my basement, including my room. My computer is now in the room, I found a math assignment I woulda swore I turned in last week, and I reread my junior paper. I *did not* hang out at a park all day, no. Some say I missed out, I'd argue strongly to the contrary. Memorial day is supposed to be about remembering the dead, particularly soldiers who died for our contry. I did some of that. But tangentially, I remembered my life at Jesuit. I remember my first day of school, being scared and lonely, then walking into english class and finding kids even quieter than myself. I remember sitting behind sacha in history as hahn told stories and docked points cause I could never quite get the heading right. I remember hopping lunch tables and meeting the group. I remember so much.
Then it hit me. I'm different. I'm not the freshman who entered those doors scared and afraid. I'm not the soclite sophomore who did everything he could to have fun and hang out and become good friends. I'm not the confident junior waiting to take over the school, sitting back and cynically criticizing all I saw while tearing opponents apart in debates where I didn't know what I beleived yet deep down scared as hell cause he knew he was mortal. I'm not the idealistic senior who entered the doors so full of hope and life and vitality and beleived that someone who loved and trusted would never fail, would never be disapointed.
But then, I'm not the "worldly" almost graduate who's decided some people are irredeemable (at least by man) and who no longer cares about helping the manipulative...I've grown again. Cause now I'm looking forward. I'm seeing that some things you don't have to address, like that bastard honking and flashing his lights cause I'm only going 5 over the speed limit. You just keep on driving and they'll eventually fade off into the distance. All the stupid shit you pulled this year, all the stuff that made me think I was a failure as a friend, all the stuff that made me want to curl up and hide in my room that I could have misjudged someone so terribly and actually beleived they were my friend...that's done. And it'll fade away this summer, "the greatest one of our lives" as a good friend told me, and all your stuff will be a bygone memory. Best of luck, watch your step on the stairs.
I realized something else today. My dating philosophy is radically different than others at its very core. I don't understand dating for a crush, for a makeout buddy, for a warm body, for a movie partner. So no, honestally, I see no problem with it. My view of the world says you should watch what you do with temporary partners, but that's a matter of personal choice. I wish you too the best, I can only hope we'll continue talking later cause you've always been a great friend to me.
And man, you guys that I've fallen away from some this year...I'm really, really sorry about that. That hasn't been fun in the slightest, ever day or so I realize there's this new distance and I hate it. I hope we can rekindle that fire of friendship...I don't want this to be one of those transitory things that fades with time. Cause those suck.
And you...I don't think I need to say anything. You know it all. You know me better than I do, you know exactly thye feeling of loneliness I feel as I lie down each night. This is gonna be hard as hell, but we'll pull it off. Faith, hope, and love. Especially love.
How strange that I ended up writing a ton of personal notes. Guess its all in the spirit of memorials. Another ending reached, no more wearing white. Or something.
I love you!
Today, I got a package from one of my aunts with three jazz cd's in it. It was, strangely, the perfect gift. I need some saxaphone centered jazz cd's and I'd never buy them myself. I can't tell if its a sorta sign that I should do band...I'm gonna start playing my horn again soon, regardless.
Today I read a lot. It was pretty relaxing. I'm going to keep this up, I think...it'll provide stability in the move to college.
Drama banquet today...no miracles occured, I never heard of any of the plays jhs is doing next year (I just wrote jhs instead of "we"...wow...), and it wasn't as good as last years. Though the icecream was nice. And as I think about it, I felt outta place as hell last year too. Strangest part was how people were fully willing to include me, just...those who were willing to didn't know who I was. And it felt kinda fake, like they were accomidating me just cause I was there. I know I sound all down about it...don't get me wrong, it was a fun time. Just no where near as good as some other uses of my time. I couldn't even get my heart into teasing friends, normally something fun...and I felt kinda sad at one point. Prolly I misread it, but after my single joke, I was asked if I really felt there was something wrong with one friend's current circumstances...I hadn't realized my opinion mattered that much, nor that they took my jokes as statements of opinions. However, I felt a bit better on the drive home. I forgot how uplifting it can be for someone to be unexpectedly thankful for your deeds. Not to mention I haven't had a chance to talk to Rach in a while. Gonna miss our conversations next year.
As I pulled into my house, I remembered a little prayer I used to say. I'd ask God for all kinds of virtues, faith, hope, love, courage, strength, wisdom, but always end up asking for faith, hope and love especially. Seems that with those three, one is bound to suceed.
There's this christain rock song I used to listen to a ton for the guitar parts. The chorus contains the phrase, "Light a match\For I deserve to burn!". Whenever I hear it, I stop and try and determine if, honestly, I deserve salvation or damnation. I oscilate a lot. I think the only thing that keeps me thinking I'm in some way deserving of salvation is other's opinions of myself. Its a lot easier to damn myself, knowing all the ways I screw up and bad I do, than it is to assume I'm good and all. Is that what it is to be humble? Cause I'd say I'm anything but...
Anyhow, I got a movie to watch and sleep to catch.
I love you!
Props to all involved. It was very well done. I enjoyed myself immensly and ended up sad I only went once.
Now the negative aspects. Please note, these are subscripts, I loved it, but the cynic in me can't help criticizing. Some of the dialog was quite forced. I caught myself thinking once or twice that no one, ever, would say/do that. There were some tech glitches, but it was the last night. And there was much less variety than I would have liked. Every play was (arguably) focused intensely on relationships. Scott's was the only one that felt really different to me, being a musical. Ariel would be the second most unique, looking at sisters instead of romantic partners. But the first four plays were entirely based on the change in relationships. There was no mystery, no comedy, no theme of the need for political change, etc. This does not detract from the individual plays, nor their amazing writers, directors, and casts, but rather detracts slightly from the group presentation. But the thing is, I'm "judging" these as I would a profession play in my lit book. My words to the writers...in all honesty, do another quick proofing based on your observations of your play being acted out, then submit it higher up. I'm dead serious. Those first four were that amazing, had that much potential. I don't know if a one act queen musical can catch on higher up, but the genius is there. Now to get copyright permissions...
We've got the land
But they've got the view
Thought provoking, at least. That line got stuck in my head today.
I was asked today if another person was my friend, and I had to pause. Its really hard to describe levels of friendship. I think a "friend" is someone I can spent a prolonged period of time with one on one without things getting boring or awkward. There's a more select group of people with whom I've really opened up before, perhaps a wider group that has opened up to me. I had one happy thought, though...throughout all highschool, there's been exactly one person that I considered a friend at one point and no longer do. That, I think, is a good thing. And I do have truly amazing friends.
Uhm...I had more to write, but I don't feel like typing anymore. Time for some rest, or reading.
I love you!
That really, really just hit me.
I mean...we're leaving.
I'm sure this will hit again, even harder, later this year...prolly once at graduation, once when I start at Intel...and then...when I go to the airport...crap...
All the fucking way across the country.
Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap
Where are we?
What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just began to fall
Crop circles in the carpet
Spin me around again
And rub my eyes
This can't be happening
When busy streets
A mess with people
Would stop to hold their heads heavy
Hide and seek
trains aren't solving machines
All those years
They were here first
Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before
The sweeping insensitivity of this
Hide and seek
Trains and sewing machines (you won't catch me around here)
Blood and tears
They were here first
Mmm, What'd you say? Mmm, That you only meant well
Well of course you did
Mmm, What'd you say? Mmm, That it's all for the best
Of course it is
Mmm, What'd you say? Mmm, That it's just what we need
You decided this...
Mmm, What'd you say? Mmm... What did she say?
Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cutouts
Speak no feeling, no, I don't believe you
You don't care a bit, you don't care a bit
Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cutouts
Speak no feeling, no, I don't believe you
You don't care a bit, you don't care a bit
(You don't care a bit)
Oh, no, you don't care a bit
Oh, no, you don't care a bit
Uh-uh, you don't care a bit
You don't care a bit
You don't care a bit...
I've had this on repeat for like half an hour. First of all, this is an amazing song...almost, or perhaps entirely vocals, agumented through the use of a vocoder or other editing. The lead singers voice simple floods the listener, surrounding then in beautiful listing harmounies.
Last night, that's all I noticed. A good song, but not a great one. I was rather wrong. Apparently this was used in the finale of the OC. Without ever having watched the show, I can still say this was a great choice...the first time I really listened to this song, I caught my eyes watering. Then it hit me that I too would be leaving crop circles in the carpet, had decided what was best. I'm leaving. Not you, me...I'm the one who decided this was for the best. Why? Cause it was the better opprotunity, cause I'm too young to committe my life to love, because I'd never forgive myself if we broke up and I didn't do this, cause my parents didn't want me to, because I want to try to support myself.
College, no matter how amazing, cannot be HOME. "Home is where the heart is". How the hell can my heart be across the contry from my family, from my love? No one else to blame, I did this to myself. I did this to us. But fuck...why? Here I am, volume on the Bose set to max for the first time ever, headphones plugged in, ears ready to pop, and I'm wondering if I've just made the worst choice of my life and if I won't know it till its far too late. That's the brutal irony. I'm too proud to transfer unless ND truely and horribly sucks. If somehow things were to not work out, I'd eventually shrug it off as destiny. But...BUT...I'd be my fault.
This, ya know, is one of those reasons I didn't wanna date in highschool. But man, love's a tricky bitch.
Who's your bestest friend in the whole world?
Who's your bestest friend in the whole universe?
Ok then...you have my blessings.
Didn't really think that'd ever come true. My, the accuracy of absent minded predictions.
Ya know, this is emo. For once...I don't care. Fuck that. Here's a bleeding heart, a guy scared of the future, scared to be alone, scared he's shooting himself in the foot by going so far from the life he knows and love, the ones he knows and loves. To pull the DA, I guess it will be all for the best...we survive this, we can survive anything. Pain may make you stronger, but dammit, it hurts.
I miss you so much...and man, do I love you...
,,,obviously. My thoughts have turned from school and drama events to graduation parties and work. There will be 15 people stationed in and around my house starting the 4th. They aren't leaving until the 12th or so. Basically, everything from the 3rd on takes special permission to go to...for those dates, I might not even get the car. Which sucks. I also have an Intel meeting monday night and my sister's graduation wednesday night. And its sounding like I'll be in sunriver starting thursday. Yeah, I might miss the entire slew of post-grad parties. What can you do? This summer is going to be very weird for me. Firstly, its the last chance to see family and friends for a long time. Then I'm working. Then there's all parties and events. Then there's my need to get in shape: swimming, lifting, tennis, whatever. I'm gonna want to see Karolyn as often as I can, obviously. Thank God Intel's in her branch of the woods...I'd hate driving from Gresham back to Hillsboro. Even so, I can only hope my parents pay for gas and insurance still. I know that sounds weak, but man, even with my soon-to-be-ample salary I can't afford the cost of that commute.
More immediate things? Senior awards assembly thursday...I'm worried. I don't know why, but I always hate awards ceremonies. I never, ever win any awards I think I deserve. As in, those awards I get I don't feel right getting and those I don't get I feel I had a good shot at. I remember last year when all kinds of random kids got math awards and I was left sitting there wondering how many of 'em really deserved it. Not that I did, mind you, just that there were much better canidates, in my mind. Plus, I have to dress up. That always sucks. Then Friday's banquet and mass. Then the plays, and that aussie woman coming to visit. Then a massive cleaning spree on monday, followed by senior finals (in bio and history, probably) and we're...done?
Holy shit, man.
I'm a friggen froshie again. At a new school. Where I'm...average? I dunno. Its scary, though. At jhs, I've always kinda known my place. Well, known it since a few weeks into school. See, its not hard to tell who cares about school. Its not particularly hard either to tell who's got ability for it. Here, I find myself happily surrounded by AP's, not the brightest but certainly brighter than some. Academically, I knew the competition and knew I was competing with some brilliant people, and loved it. But there...well, I didn't get offered honors college admitance there. I know that has something to do with lower than some SAT1's, but still. That means I'm not the cream of the crop. And with ND getting smarter, bigger, stronger, better every year...I don't know what or where I am. Hell, I'm even worried about intermural football. I might get handed my ass. Even more than I did this year...at least as a sader, I could play d-line decently against one of the best o-line's around. But...this is a whole nother league. Also, it turns out I prolly won't be doing band...to begin with, I haven't played in ages, and furthermore, they require bandies come a week early. Sure, normally that'd be great...but I can't afford to miss another week of iHip. I'm sure they'd let me go, but they might literally "let me go" and not hire me back next year, or even tell me its not worth coming this year. I'm really excited to actually have a job, for the first time ever, and get some experience.
And man...its far away. I know part of me needs that...I need to live away from my family, my comfort zone, in order to convince myself I can. Maybe I'm getting extreme, but its different knowing if I have a bad day I can drive home for the weekend. There, I'm kinda cut off. But man, you're gonna be so far away...I hate that. I can't come get you if you need me. Nor can I help my little sister. The two people I want to be able to count on me, and they can't count on me...
Its a big world out there...I can only hope I'm ready for it.
Get up, get up
Come on, come on, lets go
Thereís just a few things
I think that you should know
Those words at best
Were worse than teenage poetry
And too many pronouns
Stop it, come on
Youíre not making sense now
You canít make them want you
Theyíre all just laughing...
Donít hold your breath because youíll only make things worse!"
The Timberwolves at New Jersey...
I love these guitars, that emotion...the message is skewed, but I really remember one night when this song and Queen of Pain by AK3 really, really had meaning. After a football game I just went to my car and sat in valley starting at the dark and ominous sky while feeling like my heart had been ripped out. Something happened that day, in the game...for some reason, it was tainted for me. I didn't play that game, one of the few times in my life I didn't play in a game, but even worse, I'd made absolutely no positive contribution to the team that game and was afriad that I might get put in. How lame, I know. But in that moment, I felt this sport had finally passed me by, that I was outta my league and I'd never really recover that feeling I'd had soph year of invincibility, junior year of elation at having reached my goal and started again. Same feeling after the last game of the year, when it was all over and we weren't going to the state championship. And I was certain that somehow, through some deed or lack thereof, it was my fault.
Well...I picked my college. Went against some good advice and reasoning in doing so. And I'm afraid. Cause if I screwed this up, there's only me to blame. And I might well lose or distance the only people I could ever cry on by going there.
Its a mighty big world. Strange that everything I keep thinking of is right here...yet soon, here will be so far from me.
I love you...and I'm starting to miss you already...only 12 weeks now...12 short weeks...
This was certainly an experience to remember. I supppose I could begin on friday when I both picked up my tux and "officially" asked my date to prom. Yeah, I'd asked her before and we were going together regardless of my asking in a cute way, but she really wanted to be asked cutely. After several aborted attempts, Magda and Ben aided in the venture. See, I'd utterly failed three times to aquire flowers, either because the place I went to didn't sell them (a grocery store) or because I came too early/late. So Maggie had Ben pick some from the JHS rosegardens and then wrapped them for me. It was very cute.
Friday night was Brittany/Maria's birthday party...this was by far the biggest party I'd been at since New Years. Ok, so the drama parties were huge too...but this had that feel too it. I knew a ton of people and was there a long time and we just talked. It was great fun and reminded me of how much we miss out on when we just pop in a movie and zone out for two hours. Not to detract from movies, just to stress moderation in socializing.
So saturday I planed on attending state tennis, then going promming...but when my mom pulled a surprise inspection of the basement, I was forced to stay all morning cleaning. Always fun. Finally got free to take Karolyn to Nancy's to get ready, then went back home to finish cleaning and make myself pretty (which apparently I did rather well). Hauled ass downtown to meet the limo and parked in the same spot I took last year. As for the limo itself, it was pretty sweet, though slightly cramped with everyone onboard, but I managed to get the back bench (by virtue of speed and being really big) so that was sweet. We went to get the girls, but surprise surprise, they weren't ready. They kinda ordered us around, you know, trying to make things perfect while we all waited for Chelsea to show up. We were already in a slight time crunch cause we'd left downtown late and hadn't quite processed how far out Nancy was, but chelse showed and we took off on time. Then to Pat's, where we took innumerable pictures with the parents and stole some soda. Portland City Grill was our dinner destination and was amazing...I started with a beautifully arranged and most tasty Ceasar salade then got a 16oz Rib Eye steak with Pepercorn sauce that I ended up giving to Ken because the steak was truely perfect. Cooked just right, with a delicious marinade...mmmm. I was in heaven. After some brief jokes played with the waiter, we booked it for the Tiffany Center and arrived about 15 minutes before doors closed. We attempted to take a massive limo group picture but somehow lost Dave and Misha. Then Karolyn and I went upstairs for a couples picture before stashing the coat, vest, and purse and hitting the dance floor. The dance itself was by far the best dance of my life. DJ wasn't terrible, the dancing itself was awesome, I think I did "real" dance moves for one of the first times in my life, and other people constantly wanted to take our picture or tell us how cute we looked. I was very proud to be escorting such a mind-shatteringly beautiful girl, and one with social graces and dance ability no less. Possi and Amy got King and Queen, though I hear rumblings of some ballet box stuffing I'm proud that we had two such fine individuals to represent our school. After the dance, we just sat around for 20 minutes soaking in the atmosphere and waiting for lines to die down. As the elevator was broken, we had to walk down 4 flights of stairs and then walk 3 blocks to the car... Karolyn's feet were throbbing by the end, but the joy of the Honda washed away the pain. A few short minutes later, we arrived at Chez Ken to be greeted by wonderful food and a showing of Sidewise. At 2:30ish, the gents retired to Dave's where a all-night poker game and showings of Team America ensued. We returned to Ken's at 9:30 Sunday, only to find a sign saying "not yet" on the door. Mrs. Colwell kept us out for 20 mintues while supposedly the girls got decent...but really, they just hid in a closet in their pj's while we got hungry. Rest of Sunday included taking back the tux, dropping off Karolyn's stuff, and a trip to JNHS (which was quite amusing) before returning home for more cleaning and sleep.
As for the more personal observations of prom...I loved seeing who danced with who and how much. And watching who tried to dance with who and failed. My advice to any juniors contemplating a course of action for senior prom is to find someone you're really comfortable with and ask them, then kick loose at the dance and actually DANCE. A lot of people either ditched their dates, felt uncomfortable with their date, or plain didn't dance at all. Gotta enjoy yourself and push out of your comfort zone. Only other note is to *try your dress on and practice dancing in it* before prom and take note of any potential problems...like, say, almost popping out of it. Short dresses can work, but great care is needed to avoid flashing others. And no matter how cute a dress is on a hanger or whatever, take care to avoid embarassing moments. Oh, and guys, you look cuter when you match your tie and vest to your date's dress. And the Italian sodas rock.
I'm sure there's a bunch more to say, but I need to get back to cleaning or steal a nap. Basically...this prom was everything I ever envisioned having in a prom and more. I cannot envision how I could have had a better time, short of having had the night last longer and having gone for some papa hyden's dessert afterwards...mmm.
I may or may not be at mass tonight...depends on if I'm sleeping or not.
I love you!
So this band, who's cd I "borrowed" from Rob ages ago, called Crosstide...I really like them all of a sudden. So much so, I might buy my first cd in ages. Anyone wanna go to Music Millenium with me one of these days? Particularlly someone who knows how to get there...
So to summerize today...boring classes, A on the Bio paper, more boring classes, Mr. Keil (sp) for religion...and then some slightly more interesting after school events.
Irony: someone verbally abusing me and criticing my use of blogging to talk to/about others, then insulting and ranting at someone ON A BLOG.
Paradox: one person's happiness being the direct cause of another's pain. How does one cope?
Theme: highschoolers feeling depressed and unloved and lonely. Count the number, its higher than you think.
Antagonist: a person manipulating, lying to, and otherwise abusing friendships -- then turning around to blame the friends.
Chronological Order: the way events happened in the day, the rather terrible timing...yet was it fortuitous?
Ok, I'm out of comparisions...english is ending for the year anyways.
All I really have to say on the matter is that tact is a virtue, and man, I'm so sorry...I really am. If there's anything I can do...
seriously, think about that thing I told you. Maybe I'm insane, but maybe its a good idea.
I never would want to strip someone of happiness. But you don't seem me intentionally flaunting the good things in my life, do you? (Maybe you do...if so...talk to me about it, please...cause I don't realize it...) Just don't go around rubbing people's noses in stuff.
Oh, and if you value friendship, you might wanna be a bit nicer to your "friends". I don't mean me, that was taken care of long ago. But really...before you blame a friend for screwing something up, stop and wonder if you did it first. Cause you know, lying and manipulating...they're not cool. But you knew that.
The sadest bit of irony here...I'm the ultimate hypocrate. This last year, I've knowingly let some friendships suffer a lot. One was just too hard to maintain...we were kinda going apart. Enough so that when a critical moment came...I screwed up. I shoulda gone and told you right away, I suppose...but I didn't want to mess things up with you more. And I knew it would, sooner or later. You can't really delay the inevitable, as I found out.
Another few cases...we just haven't seen each other. I hate that. Every time I realize it, I smack myself.
Then there's the people I was never really close to, or only knew cause of a certain situation...when that situation ended, so did the bulk of the realationship. Is that bad or callous? I wonder...I'm like that a lot, though. I've always kinda assumed everyone else was, too...like the cast of Murder last year. We all hung out during the run of the show, and some afterwards...but then we kinda stopped hanging out with those people we didn't really know before the show. Or to clarify, I did. Can't speak for anyone else.
All things considered, though...this has been the best year. Yeah.
Now...college...that'll be hard...
I love you!
Now hush little baby, don't you cry
Everything's gonna be alright
Stiffen that upperlip up little lady, i told ya
I'm here to hold ya through the night
It may seem a little crazy, pretty baby
But i promise everything's gon' be alright...
Heard this on the radio on the way home, z100 was the only station without commericials. How strange to find me listening to eminem...how much stranger that the song made me sad, almost cry. Yeah, I am really tired. Reeeeaaaallllyyy tired. Got woken up today, stayed up too late tonight, tomorrow's mother's day and another early morn, then monday and my last AP, then tuesday and the religion project, then wednesday and the history...then freedom? I don't know. Crap, this school year needs to end. I need to sleep 24 hours straight. I need my foot to stop aching.
I opened a letter today from national merit. Well, rather, I read a letter my parents opened. See...while I am apparently a superbly qualify college applicant and intel likes me, national merit decided I wasn't worthy of money. Fifty fifty odds and I lost, though it was expected. ND doesn't give merit scholarships, which cuts a third of the awards, DWT and APT don't give merit scholarships, which cuts another third, and I'm not one of the top 10 or whatever Oregon scholars (going off transcript or something). Sad, I know...John didn't get money after turning down two full rides. But...this is pathetic, I know...it hurts to fail. This is something I didn't care about, but still, I failed. Maybe a better essay woulda pushed me over the top. Maybe not slacking in french woulda done it. Second guessing second guesses is no fun. Ah well.
History and english exams done, weren't as bad as I thought they'd be. And I added political statements, so we'll see if that knocks me down a point.
I missed both dave's honor court and chuck's party today...that sucks. Dave's coincided with my mom having a conference, my dad having conference calls, and a sister who can't drive having a soccer game. Family first. And chucks...kinda forgot until late. Ah well again.
SW is starting to excite me again, I'm scared. Prom night should be interesting at the very least...any word on anyone throwing afterparties yet (*wink* *nudge* KENANDDAVE)?
Have you ever stopped and wondered if you were about to make a big mistake? I personally have felt my life strongly guided by an outside force, destiny/God if you will, and things always seem to work out right. But what if I finally made a choice that went against that? What if I was screwing up the best thing I had going for me, all my hopes and dreams for the future, with one simple decision that was oh-so-easy to make only because I couldn't see the waterfall just around the bend? I'm so nervous about that...I keep trying to visualize next year, and the rest of my life, and its looking like things will be trick or sad for a while...and I'm afriad. Please Gode, don't let me mess this up.
It was cloudy today...so much picnic. I'd wanted to go up to the rose gardens for lunch and hang out on the grass in the sun with the pretty rosebushes. Guess it isn't the right season either, though. Time for a new idea...maybe baking...
Gotta do something to keep the mind occupied, after all.
I love you!
AKA, my last show on key crew.
So everything almost fell apart. Literally. Actors pushed the car into the upstage truss, hooked the bumper, and then ran away. We managed to unhook the car (not before a bloody actor pushed it straight into my head...at least I don't have a black eye yet). More damage control followed, the hazer cap got stuck and I lost a huge chunk of skin trying to take it off.
Then strike, where group "Big Rolling Things" was done inside 45 minutes. Then we helped finish all three platforms, the staircases, a bunch of cords, and other random crap.
And the strike party? I wouldn't know. I decided to leave after strike...sometimes, you get pissed off enough with people and things that you don't wanna deal with stuff anymore. This was one of those days/nights.
So here's some random thoughts. This is me as a skeptic, me tired, me pissed off, and me angry at the way the world seems to be. See, tech corrupts...people at tech are so much pissier than they are other places. I can't count the number of times I got snapped at during the show, and I never had any major scewups to cause it. It was just an general attitude of snapiness...like I'd remind someone to check things, and I'd get a "John, shut up, I did it already". Only, when I check their work, its wrong for the third night in a row. All I ask for is some friggen patience when I'm helping. Then, whenever things do go wrong, everyone yells and swears at everyone else. I prolly do it too. But from the sounds of things, you couldn't tell we were friends. Then strike, I get an amazing group and we do all our stuff quickly and efficently and go to help others. What happens? The people we come to help decide to shove the shit parts of the work on it because they don't want to do it. Sure, I do that kinda thing too, I don't mean to imply I'm above that. But when I come to help you, why should I do your shit jobs? Oh, better yet, all these supposedly superior people were just standing around at the end of the night. There were still jobs to do (hell, I helped do 'em) yet they didn't want to so they didn't...same people who felt it fine to try and get me to sweep the stage while they stood around talking, as if I were a rotational or something. Right. Maybe tech is just another outlet, like everything else, where people try to build themselves up and stake their own little claims. I've done it, too. But how pathetic are we to do that?
Other thought...how shallow are our friendships? I never used to wonder this, cause it never seemed important, but more and more I've been questioning. Seems to me both I and others take a lot of relationships for granted. Are we just "friends of opportunity", where we're both at the same place so we talk and so on? Cause it seems to me friends shouldn't treat each other the way I treat a lot of my friends and am treated by them. Its lame as hell the kinds of scheming that go on. The way, if you walk around and talk to people one on one, they're all pissed at someone or another's powertrips yet no one speaks to anyone directly. The way I'm writing here instead of talking to people directly. Friends are supposed to be there to help. So why do we keep dragging each other down? How many friends have I honestally helped, and helped on purpose? How many friends have helped me?
How lame is it that I'm writing this?
Screw it, I'm basically done anyways...just some AP tests and projects and I'm done for real.
I hope the weather is nice next weekend...I have an idea again. And I like that.
I love you!
I love that feeling of waking up to something familiar. Starts the day off right.
Likewise, sometimes I just love crawling out of bed after the rest of the world has been about its buisness for several hours. Kinda like coming into a movie in the middle and trying to figure out what's going on. Sorta a puzzle.
I have no idea what homework I should be doing. That'd be something to figure out tonight.
And I have AP review starting tomorrow.
And that biology paper I keep forgetting.
But really...I'm almost free. So close.
Its scary when you realize how close we are to adulthood, and how immature we all remain. Yet we'll be ready...we always are.
I love you!
So tonight marks my first (and, regretfully, only) attendance at a cast/crew party for Footloose. Kinda sad...I went to all but one of 'em for Music Man, I went to one of them for Footloose. And just as with the music man ones, my tech compatriots left. I can only recall leaving scotty and rachel at a party once, and that was back at higgins house. Otherwise, either we're not at the same party or I stay for a long time. I wonder what's up with that. Ironically, just as with Megan's Deadman party, Karolyn and I were the last people to leave...the Hall's don't count. Watched Aladin, which rocked. Her dad said we were honorary members of the family cause I ate so much and he liked Karolyn and we stayed late. Gotta love that.
So, I've now never written (will have never written) a tech show. Sure, I was there with MM, but I made no real contribution. DM I didn't go, and of course, they held it tonight...with no warning. I heard rumblings that it'd be written tonight before the show started, and was never officially told the plan (which is ok...I'm terrible at giving people official invites to anything) so I imagine my precence wasn't missed much. Plus, no one ever likes my ideas. They're either too sick or too inside...only I and maybe one other person get them. C'est la vie. At least now I don't have to worry about getting a major role (which I've never wanted) and there is no way on earth they'll get me into a dress again.
I'm sick and tired of guilt trips. Just in general. I mean, some people frequently try and guilt me into things (some of them harmless). Other people almost never try and guilt trip me. Still, guilt trips and peer pressure are the lamest forms of convincing for me. And least sucessfull...try and guilt me and I'll get angry and do whatever I want. And peer pressure...no comment. Suffice to say there's only a handfull of people who can convince me to do things against my will. And even then, its rare.
Tomorrow is strike. Strangely, it doesn't feel time for FL to end. Hasn't lasted long enough. On the same note, I'm still not as invested in the show emotionally as I think I should be. Must be senioritis.
Two ap's next week, one on monday...just gotta get through this. Then freedom.
I love you!