Shock a dog, give it no way to escape, and pretty soon it learns to just sit there and take it. take down its walls, and it'll stay, won't run to freedom, just stay and take the shocks.
Try and fail and try and fail and eventually you can't try anymore.
battered and broken...i keep trying...
Do I know who I am? Can you love yourself if you don't know yourself?
Pretty Pretty
The Early November
Early in the morning, wake up to a bright blue sky
lightning comes at any time to break it down and make it ugly
i know that it's just for me
'cause no one else can feel or understand
that's alright because i can handle all that you throw down
and i hope you find a perfect place
where sky's are beautiful all of the time
it's all that matters, pretty, pretty
and i know that's all you could care about
there's no reason why you can't
it's all about the icing, and nobody cares about what's inside
you could see the outside face, it looks good, it must be great
and i know that's all you see
what would it matter anyway
'cause i can see right through your pretty, pretty skin today
and i hope you find a perfect place
where sky's are beautiful all of the time
it's all that matters, pretty, pretty
and i know that's all you could care about
there's no reason why you can't
and no reason why i should try to go on anymore
my reason's all gone,
no reason why you should, try to make excuses to make me feel alright
excuses call for stupid reasons
and i know that it's not much that i can offer right now
just give me one little second and i will try my hardest
to make you feel like i'm someone else.
third try (cover of original by depeche mode)
words are thoughtless
break the silence
incompassionate
into my little world
faithful to me
pierce right through me
can't you understand?
oh my little girl
all i want is
all i need is
here in my arms
words are very,
unessecary
they don't lead to heart
vows are spoken
to be broken
feeling sorry sense
words are trivial
words are remakes
words are meaningless
and forgettable
all i want is
all i need is
here in my arms
words are very,
unesssary
they don't lead to heart
i love you.
What is the meaning of life?
Why does it feel like it escapes me, in the in-between times, when I stop to think? Meaning in love, meaning in work, but if as I lay in bed at night I'm empty...where is the meaning?
Maybe I've already served my meaning and all that's left is meaningless, no destiny remaining, just unguided "free" life.
What a terrifing thought, to think God had nothing more in mind than that which we've already done.
Perusia...
Death is far less frightening than uselessness.
Loneliness is unappreciated solitude.
Pain is proof of life and foil to pleasure.
And heaven is meaningful success...loving bliss...purpose.
Another long day, long night, long week, and excitement damped by disapointment.
But as long as I'm busy, I've no time for idle thought.
(...something pure to burn away the darkness that hides inside my mind. All that evil shit's not hard to find: I guess I only claim to be nice...you live and you burn.)
I love you.
Break went by too fast. Arrived saturday afternoon in Portland, someone mis-heard the time my flight was supposed to land but luckily the padre picked me up, hooked up with all the family at home before going to the Melting Pot for the "traditional" dinner, where our picture was taken. Then home for a little before taking Karolyn back. Next morning, met with Karolyn, JL, and the madre for breakfast at iHop before driving to OSU. At OSU, we did all the traditional things (michaels landing et al.) and I helped her paint a person. Back in portland wednesday night where I slept a lot. Met mom fro breakfast friday and Hannah for lunch and watched "Crash" that night (which was an amazing film...I think it deserved to win, personally). Paid my taxes. Then El Goucho's saturday night after seeing "Failure to Launch" with the family. Now I have to struggle through meetings and midterms until Karolyn flies out on friday. Nationals two weeksish from saturday. And then easter. This semester is going to fly by...
I love you.
Some days, you wonder why you bothered getting out of bed at all.
Meaning...
One more midterm tomorrow morning, about half a homework assignment tomorrow night, and I'm home free -- literally. I need the break, the return. I'm either burnt out right now or on the verge of it. I'm amazed at how much energy I lost after Regionals ended...one would think free time would yeild more energy, but no. MT was the driving force keeping me organized and motivated. When I was busy, I didn't think, and so things were ok.
Now I have way to much time to think.
Maybe if I can just hang on to sanity, keep the brain working for another two days...
everything will be fine.
I need everything to be all right.
I love you.
"The Science of Selling Yourself Short" - Less than Jake
I've come to my senses,
That I've become senseless.
I could give you lessons on how to ruin your friendships.
Every last conviction, I smoked them all away.
I drank my frustrations down the drain, out of the way.
So I sit and wait and wonder,
"Does anyone else feel like me?"
Someone so tired of their routines and disappearing self-esteems.
[Chorus:]
I'll sing along,
Yeah with every emergency.
Just sing along,
I'm the king of catastrophes.
I'm so far gone,
That deep down inside I think it's fine by me,
I'm my own worst enemy.
I could be an expert on co-dependency;
I could write the best book on underage tragedy.
I've been spending my time at the local liquor store.
I've been sleeping nightly on my best friends kitchen floor.
So I sit and wait and wonder,
"Does anyone else feel like me?"
I'm so over dosed on apathy burnt out on sympathy.
[Chorus]
Let the meaning slip away.
Lost my faith in another day.
Self deprication seems okay.
I never thought I'd make it anyway...
[Chorus]
I'm my own worst enemy.
Subject to Change - The June Spirit
The sun has set;
the leaves are falling.
The air is cold, and my mind is sinking into a state
in which I dream...of you.
If tonight is the last night I'll see you,
then tonight I will be yours.
Everyday after that in the night
I will dream that I'm with you,
and promise I'll never let you go...let you go.
Weeks have gone by
since I have kissed you.
I long to hold you firm in my arms
and whisper the three most sacred words in the world...
Your mystery casts a spell on me;
I'm a prisoner of a want and need.
I cross the distance
to feel your touch and grace.
You walk away and I wonder,
Will I see you again?
Never say forever...
Backwards - Crosstide
It's over.
The tide breaks;
I'm all done.
I've never been certain near no one.
And I don't see how I spill myself out to fill up,
like I'm walking backwards to go out and I'm so wrong...
"Stand by yourself,"
is what the world tells me;
change or recant, confess your disbelief.
But I'm walking back to what I knew when I was young.
But it seems so different through eyes that will not cease questions.
And if I had wings --
if I could fly --
maybe I'd find my answer up high.
Carry my weight,
lift me up high.
Trip me if I go backwards,
so I won't go back there...
December, I woke up in dichotomy --
where truth was subjective,
light comes free.
So I'm walking back to what I knew when I was young.
It seems so different through eyes that will not cease to question:
Why!
And it kills me!
Eyes that wouldn't cease to question...
And if i had wings --
If I could fly --
maybe I'd find my answer up high.
Carry my weight,
lift me up high.
Trip me if I go backwards
so I won't go back there;
won't go back there,
(won't go back there).
I won't go back there.
I love you.
This evening, I watched Kill Bill Vol. 1 for perhaps the fifth time. I didn't make it all the way through -- only to the "eye-pluck" where it goes black and wihte -- before it was time for mass. Regardless, during the movie, I felt myself relaxing, letting go of concerns and tention and emotions that had been weighing on me. This feeling lasted through mass but returned sometime after I left the chapel. I just found it interesting how wanton violence and gore and humor can relax me and how church can do the same.
Sometimes, I wonder what it would feel like to let go of everything and just let the wind carry me around. These are normally the same times that I'm scared about the future.
I'm either going to have to drop Intel, drop a degree, or take an extra semester, it looks like. Maybe that will change, but right now, that's my setup. Oh well.
I love you.
Where has time gone? Why is it I feel this year has darted by, that I just started year yesterday, that last week I was still at Jesuit, still fighting for a State Championship that seemed to mean so much, still on my Encounter, still just best friends -- scared of what might happen and even moreso of losing you, that prom -- dancing, hugging, and those italian sodas -- could have been the other night. I'm 19 now. I've got a major, two of them really. I'm working summers. I'm figuring out my finances, how much I can afford to spend, how much I should save. 3 years, and I'll be out of "the bubble". At this rate...that feels like next month. I don't feel ready. As people here joke, at twenty you're a quarter of the way through your life. Have I been making a difference? Is my life meaningful and accomplishing whatever it is I was put here to accomplish?
I don't know.
As a kid, I used to dream of how I was destined to do great things. Start a city free from pollution and crime, with neighborhoods designed to enhance community instead of the forced distance I knew between my neighbors and myself. School systems where every kid wanted to be at school as much as I did, because the teachers were great and the lessons were fun. I wanted neighborhoods to be built like Sunriver, so you could bike everywhere you really needed to go inside the neighboorhood and cars were kept outside, for driving to other cities. I wanted a central commercial hub with schools where all the kids could come walk to school. I wanted skyscrapers built with interior gardens and parks and huge skylights and glass all down the sides. I wanted to do great things, the right things, the things that would make the world a better place and people happier and safer. I wanted to stamp out corruption in government.
Yeah, as a kid, no more than ten, these were my dreams. I debated whether I should go into law, engineering, medice, or straight into politics. I was terrified I would never find someone, and would live my life alone, and tried to strengthen my spine to deal with that. I wondered if I would bring children into the world, and if I'd be able to be a good father to them. I wanted to have money to give to charity and be the kind of person people came to for advice. I wanted a house full of cool gadgets I could play with, like a garage under the house, a huge underground swimming pool, basketball court, movie theater, and my own little forest with a stream and hill for me to lay on and read. Oh, and the library...the biggest library. But I wanted all this hidden, for only a small house to show to the rest of the world, because I didn't want to flaunt what I had. I wanted to be close to God, to pray often, and for people to know by the way I lived that I had a higher aim in life.
Through all this, I was terrified of failure. Of disapointing people, letting them down. Of making the wrong choices. Of being "bad" or "stupid" or "not good enough". Failure...worst failures of my life have been my first driver's license test (when I accelerated too fast), that third grade spelling test (I pulled something between a zero and 50 percent...). Everything I've tried out for that mattered, I've made. Every grade I worried about I got. Every application approved. Doors seem to open for me. The only justification in my mind can be luck or destiny. If destiny, I must need to do something to deserve this. If luck...its bound to run out sometime.
Looking back, I think my child-self was smarter than I am now.
Whoever said live and learn...
One more week, though!
I love you!
Two more midterms (one with two parts) and at most two assignments before spring break.
Its so close I can almost taste the fondue and feel you in my arms again.
I can't wait.
I love you!
In a world that can be so insane
I don't think it's very strange
For me to be in love with you
I wanna know more than your brain
Into my life you were injected
Not something that I expected
Now I smile from your affection
We have made a soul connection
Just for whom does your bell toll
Don't be cold show me your soul
Sentimental Gentlemen are not afraid to show you when
I am you, you're my best friend
Show me your soul
In a world that can be so insane
I don't think it's very strange
For me to be in love with you
I wanna know more than your brain
Yes, I find you so appealing
When you show me how you're feeling
You, my friend, need not be kneeling
Open up and start revealing
Trust in me my heart is sole
I need to see, show me your soul
In a world that can be so insane
I don't think it's very strange
For me to be in love with you
I wanna know more than your brain
Don't expect too much from me
Perfection is no test for me
Because the best I'll ever be
Is just like you: A human being
You won't offend, I need to know
Please, my friend, show me your soul...