Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and then Christmas...and both will fly by so fast. Week of hard homework and studying (CSE Midterm on tuesday) and then the Semi's for interhall football against a team we've beaten before. We're trying to set Stanford Hall history...I don't think we've ever been to the playoffs before, much lest won it all. Another good game, I'm just glad we came out on top...we upset the 1 seed, Fischer, as the bottom seed, 8th. Our rivals also got knocked out, setting us up to potentially run the table. We'll see.
Week from thursday we leave for tennessee for an MT tourney. Week and a half to learn all the parts so well I earn the spot for good. And my first opening, first own direct, first time as a permanent part of table. I'm so damn nervous, because this is basically my audition all over again. Do well, keep myself in competition as one of the best, get to go to more tourneys and get more parts. Mess up, I don't know if I can ever win back Bill's confidence. Two years in the program on the line. And I have so much else going on with school.
Gotta work at psych or I'll be in trouble on the final, gotta keep working at eg and phys and cse and diff eq at the same time. I walk the edge of the razor long enough and I'm gonna get cut. And academically, that's what I'm doing...the razor of minimum effort with positive results. And I feel like I'm slowly losing control of it all...
As it always does, stress manifests itself physically. I'm slower to get over bruises, seem to run a mild fever periodically, and can't kick this damn cough I've had for most of the year. I've had almost 100 halls tablets since school started, I think.
And this song still pulls tears from my eyes every time I hear it...
Konstantine, by Something Corporate
I can't imagine all the people that you know
and the places that you go
When the lights are turned down low
and I don't understand all the things you've seen
but I'm slipping in between
You and your big dreams
It's always you
In my big dreams
And you tell me that its over
wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clovers
and your restless
and im naked
you gotta get out
you cant stand to see me shakin
no
could u let me go?
i didnt think so
and youi dont wanna be here in the future
so you say the presants just a pleasant interuption to the past
and you dont wanna look much closer
cause ur afriad to find out all this hope
you had sent into the sky by now had
crashed
and it did
because of me
and then you bring me home
afraid to find out that your alone oh
and im sleeping in your living room
but we dont have much room to live
and i had these dreams in them i learned to play guitar
maybe cross the country
become a rock star
and there was hope in me that I could take you there
but damnit you're so young
well i dont think i care
and if i hurt you
then im sorry
please dont think that this was easy
and then you bring me home
cause we both know what its like to be alone oh
and im dreaming in your living room
but we dont have much room to live
and konstantine is walking down the stairs
doesnt she look good
standing in her underware
and i was thinking
what i was thinkin
we've been drinkin and it doesnt get me anywhere
my konstantine came walking down the stairs
and all that i could do was touch her long blond hair
and ive been thinkin
but it hurts me thinking
that these nights when we were drinking
no they never got us anywhere
no
this is because i can spell confusion with a 'K'
and i can like it
its to dying in anothers arms
and why i had to try it
its to jimmy eat world
and those nights in my car
when the first star you see
may not be a star
im not your star
isnt that what you said
what you thought this song meant
and if this is what it takes
just to lye with my mistakes
and live with what i did to you
all the hell i put you through
i always catch the clock
its 11:11
now you wanna talk
its not hard to dream
you'll always be my konstantine
my konstantine
they'll never hurt you like i do
no they'll never hurt you like i do
no,no,no, no, no, no, no, no
this is to a girl
who got into my head
with all the pretty things she did
hey
ya know
you keep me up in bed
this is to a girl
who got into my head
with all these fucked up things i did
hey
maybe
baby you could keep me up in bed
my konstanine
you spin around me like a dream
we played out on this movie screen
and i said
did u know i missed you(x7)
i miss you
and then you bring me home
and we go to sleep
but this time not alone
and i know
and you'll kiss me in your living room
i know
i know you miss me in your living room
cuz these nights i think
maybe that i miss you in my licing room
but we dont have much room
i said does anybody need that room
because we all need a little more room
to live
my konstantine...
2-2, we might not make playoffs again this year. Sucks playing your hardest and losing, but I guess that's life. Late night of homework I forgot I had, long week getting ready to go home (2 years come tuesday...2 years!), and I just keep praying this isn't the last...
I love you.
Forever and always.
I'm Ready - Jack's Mannequin
[And today was a day just like any other]
I'm on the verge, I'm on the verge
Unraveling with every word
With every word you say, make me believe
That I won't feel your tires on the street
As I'm finding the words... you're getting away
I come undone, oh yes, I do
Just think of all the thoughts wasted on you
And every word you say, say something sweet
Cause all I taste is blood between my teeth
As I'm finding the words... you're getting away
Well I'm ready, I'm ready to drop
Oh, I'm ready, I'm ready so don't stop
I'm ready so don't stop, Keep pushing
I'm ready to fall, oh, I'm ready
I'm ready so don't call, I'm ready so don't call
I am aware, I've been misled
I disconnect my heart, my head
Don't wanna recognize when things go bad
The things that you'll accept
Except that I am finding the words... to say
I'm ready, I'm ready to drop
Oh oh oh oh oh, I'm ready
I'm ready so don't stop
I'm ready so don't stop
[I wake up to find it's another
Four aspirin morning, and I dive in
I put on the same clothes I wore yesterday.
When did society decide that we had to change
And wash a tee shirt after every individual use:
If it's not dirty, I'm gonna wear it.
I take the stairs to the car
And there's fog on the windows.
(As I'm finding the words...)
I need caffeine in my blood stream,
I take caffeine in the blood stream.
I grip the wheel and all at once I realize:
(And you're getting away...)
My life has become a boring pop song
And everyone's singing along.]
Well, I'm ready, to drop, well, I'm ready
I'm ready so don't stop, oh
Well, keep pushing, I'm ready to fall
Well, I'm ready, I'm ready so don't call
I'm ready so don't call, oh... oh... oh...
In today's interhall game against Keogh (we won 6-0 to bring our record to 2-1) our best running back dove shoulder first into my left thigh, the same spot I took a shotput freshman year. It hurts in a weird way, mostly when I walk on it or touch it. I hope it gets better soon.
Life goes...well, it goes. Midterms suck. My grades are "good", but never good enough for me. I see every missed point on my exams as a failure on my part, either a failure to think or a failure to study, mostly the former. EE test comes back tomorrow, and I'm not really looking forward to it. And then I have to take my diff. eq. test on friday. That test basically decides if I have to drop the class or not. I honestally don't know how I'll do on it and its 30 percent of my grade.
There is a gap between myself and others. I feel this even more strongly than usual when there's a gap between us. I can overlook the fact that I don't get close to people by being close to you. But when we start to move apart, I feel isolated from the world. I've always feared I'll be one of those people that goes through life without strong connections to others.
Do you ever look back on life and see past events through different eyes, and find the memory tarnished by time and gained wisdom? Who ever realized that the Spice Girls were singing about sex in "If you wanna be my lover"? Who realized that the little freshmen might not be so innocent? I never saw the drugs or the booze, but they were there. I guess I'm continually a few steps behind, not realizing what's really going on around me for years and then finding happy memories destroyed by removed ignorance. Ignorance really is bliss, and knowledge gained seems so depressing. Yet the thought of living ignorantly is even more depressing...
This week is going to swamp me. No time to relax, after tonight. And I should be working right now, I just can't get myself to focus. Haven't been able to focus so well all weekend, at least.
Amazing how large of an ego I have, really. And my school. And how we all love to have our egos stroked. I love hearing our captain tell me that our O-line is the best in interhall and won us the last two games. I love hearing people in the dorm tell me I've gotta be the best lineman in interhall. I don't beleive a word of it, but the fact that other people say it makes me feel good. How petty. There were some little black kids from south bend at the game today working the chains on the sidelines. One of 'em came up and talked to me several times during the game, first betting me he could tackle me (I agreed, he looked tough for a 7 year old) and then later asking me to tackle someone for him (I almost did, the damn QB through the ball as he went down) and then congradulating me at the end of the game. They were kinda cute, and I just felt so unworthy of the admiration they unquestioningly gave me because I was bigger, wearing pads, and going to ND. Some of my friends always ride me for talking down about myself, either about my football ability or intelligence or circumstances in life. I don't think I really deserve it, I know I'm damn damn lucky, and that's what scares me so much. People tell me I'm a good guy and so smart, and I love hearing it, but how do they know? How can they know if I'm good? How can they know if I'm actually smart or just bullshitting and lucky? One day, I'll know, I guess...
I love you.