April 22, 2007

Ice Cream (Or is it "Fro Yo"?)

Today, climatically speaking, was gorgeous. Woke up around 1ish to sunshine and 70's temperatures. One of my roommate's parents were visiting, they enjoyed teasing me for having just crawled out of bed when they had already driven from Cincinatti. Then again, I bet I was up later than them, so its really all a matter of perspective.

I'm losing my perspective.

Throw a football into the sea. It will bob and dance among the waves, chaotically, without direction. Give it enough time and it still becomes trapped in the sand.
The chaos, you see, isn't random. Completely determinalistic. Know enough about the water and the wind, gravity, buoyancy of the ball and whatnot, and you will know exactly when and where that ball will come to rest on the shore. Chaos is what we see when we don't know enough, can't make out the patterns for the interference, don't know the function generating the numbers from inside the black box.

This relates, you see. Physical systems are determinalistic when viewed from a non-quantum perspective. Only at the quantum level does schrodinger's cat escape the box while truly random events occur. Our minds, physical systems...are they determinalistic? Do quantum events scale upwards to our level?

Scientific babble, I suppose. Boils down to: do we have free will, or is life determined? You can't say "I choose, therefor I have free will" or "I think, therefor I am". Thinking that might be completely determined by the state of the neurons in your brain. Future states being determined by the current ones. This would negate any possibility of free will.

And yet I still beleive. I just cannot find the meaning.

The Virginia shooting shook me up more than can be readily expressed. In that moment in the atlanta airport when I saw 30something students had been shot, a part of me locked down. I didn't know where it had happened, not at first, just that people were dead. Students. They hadn't really had a chance to live. They hadn't done anything to bring it upon themselves or put themselves in danger. They all, I assume, had hopes and dreams and aspirations. Plans for what they would be doing that night, the next week, years later. All of that - gone. In an instant.
Life is such a very frail thing. A house of cards at the wind's mercy. Move your finger a hair's width and life flees the body, countless more lives torn apart. Just like that.
And, you know, in the next instant, when I heard which school it was? I was flooded with relief.
Thank God it was a school where I don't know anyone.
Thank God its some other guy crying for his friends, sibling, girlfriend, cousins.
Thank God it wasn't someone I know who was taken.
We are such selfish creatures.

Followed almost immediately by, "oh shit, I think I was talking with some students from there just yesterday...".
I wasn't, but I easily could have been (the people I met were from UVA).

A friend asked me the other day if I aspired to be a hero. If I dreamed of being shot, maybe just in the calf or something, so that someone else might live. Of course not, I said, I'd much rather never be faced with a situation where heroics were required.
If you were faced with a choice: sacrafice yourself for someone else or live a "normal" life, which would you choose?

Dying is easy because there's no regrets. Living is hard because you constantly question if you've done the right thing. Maybe heroes are just afraid and take the easy way out. Yet really, if I were in one of those classrooms? I like to think I would rush the door, tackle the guy, be the hero. Really, I'd probably be crawling under a desk terrified. You never know, I guess. I suppose I really prefer not knowing to having gone through it...

Now, normally I try not to get hung up on things. I'm the football on the waves...I know where I'm going (or at least, that I am going somewhere), just not how I'll get there. And I know I hide my eyes from some things. I overlook the countless poor and homeless on the streets of South Bend and Chicago. I live in a bubble and I'm safe there.
But there's a difference between me averting my eyes and you distracting me from the truth. The medicine bringing joy and happiness, not being there in the moment? That really was a wonderful little stab. Maybe you don't even realize you did it. Every apology a slap...
But you didn't ask if I wanted to say anything, so I shan't.

Every so often, I get cut back down to size, my bubble gets popped. I think I am the definition of a sucky excuse for a friend, one who shrugs people off. Ironic, considering I'm oft introduced as "the nicest guy you'll meet" or some variation thereof. I'm just me...judge as you will, I guess.

There was more I wanted to say, words I wanted to connect, to flow, to merge into one whole greater than its part, yet they've escaped and only cliches remain.

I love you, beautiful.

Blatant plagerism (or is it flattery?) to follow:

Ice Cream - Muscles

woooooooo, aaaaaaaah.
woooooooo, aaaaaaaah.
woooooooo, aaaaaaaah.
woooooooo, aaaaaaaah.
woooooooo, aaaaaaaah.
woooooooo, aaaaaaaah.
woooooooo, aaaaaaaah.
woooooooo, aaaaaaaah.

There are people who are pushing me on the train,
screaming from the top of buildings,
"You're gonna get what's coming..."
And I don't know how to react,
or if I should fight back.
He could have a knife,
stab me in the gut.
Bleeding on the floor,
shoulda kept my mouth shut...
And I don't know how to react,
or if I should fight back.

(Ice cream is gonna save the day...)

Ice cream is gonna save the day.
Ice cream is gonna save the day, again.
Ice cream is gonna save the day.
Ice cream is gonna save the day, again.

I dont need a number.
I just wanna dance with my shirt off.
And I don't want no other,
I just wanna dance...

He could have a knife,
stab me in the gut.
Bleeding on the floor,
shoulda kept my mouth shut...

And I dont know how to react,
or if I should fight back...

woooooooo, aaaaaaaah.
woooooooo, aaaaaaaah.
woooooooo, aaaaaaaah.
woooooooo, aaaaaaaah.

Ice cream is gonna save the day.
Ice cream is gonna save the day, again.
Ice cream is gonna save the day.
Ice cream is gonna save the day, again.
Ice cream is gonna save the day.
Ice cream is gonna save the day, again.
Ice cream is gonna save the day.
Ice cream is gonna save the day, again.

I don't need a number,
I just wanna dance with my shirt off.
And I don't want no other.

I just wanna dance.
I just wanna dance.
I just wanna dance.
I just wanna dance.

Posted by Viper37 at 05:31 PM | Comments (0)

April 07, 2007

Hello, I miss you quite terribly...

Academically, I'm hanging by a thread right now. I think I'm going to make it, but I have two huge projecet/papers due before the end of the year and I'm gone in Florida thursday-monday of next weerk. Not to mention the engineering tests that are still left...

Its sad, though, I'm not worried about it. Or about work this summer (though I guess I have some, I still haven't recieved an official offer...).

All I'm really thinking about it us, going back and forth between that first saturday and sunday night and walking around Chicago...

Getting on the train again will be hard. Oh, and I'm dreaming again...I wake up confused, with this strange sense that I was somewhere else a minute before. But no matter how hard I try, I can't recover what was going through my head minutes before.

Ah well. I just need to get through this weekend doing my work and then nationals next weekend.

I love you, beautiful.

Hellogoodbye - Here (In Your Arms)

I like where we are,
When we drive, in my car
I like where we are.... Here

Cause our lips, can touch
And our cheeks, can brush
Our lips can touch... here

Well, you are the one, the one that lies close to me
Whispers "Hello, I miss you quite terribly"
I fell in love, in love with you suddenly
Now there's no place else I could be, but here in your arms

I like where you sleep,
When you sleep, next to me.
I like where you sleep... here

Our lips, can touch
And our cheeks, can brush
cause our lips can touch... here

Well, you are the one, the one that lies close to me
Whispers "Hello, I miss you quite terribly"
I fell in love, in love with you suddenly
Now there's no place else I could be, but here in your arms

Our lips, can touch
Our lips, can touch...here

You are the one the one who lies close to me
Whispers "Hello, I miss you quite terribly"
I fell in love, in love with you suddenly
Now there's no place else I could be but here in your

You are the one the one that lies close to me
Whispers "hello I miss you quite, I miss you quite"
I fell in love, in love with you suddenly
Now there's no place else I could be but here in your arms

Here in your arms.
Here in your arms.

Posted by Viper37 at 02:54 PM | Comments (0)