August 23, 2005

An Important Lesson in Household Management

I realize that my readers (which is like seven people, but whatever) are of varying ages. Some are in college, some still live at home. Those that have yet to experience the sheer joy of living on their own should pay particular attention to this blog entry, and the advice that it contains. Sorta like that song about sunscreen from a few years back, except that I doubt I'll ever get any radio time with this.

Contrary to popular belief, there are some things around your home (whether it is an apartment or a house or whatever) that you can safely ignore. Dusting? Pah. A thick layer of dust on everything is healthy; it keeps light from hitting everything quite so harshly and causing unnecessary eye strain, so not dusting is actually healthier for you. Vacuuming? Your dirty carpet should be able to present an accurate record of your daily activities to archaeologists in the distant future; really, who could be so short-sighted that they don't take future generations' needs into account?

While vacuuming and dusting both present physical clues that, to lesser people, mean they should be taken care of promptly, taking out the trash presents no such clue sometimes, but through a cruel twist of fate, actually is important. For example, take my situation: my primary dinner meal consists of two banana, peanut butter, and honey sandwiches, each downed by a glass of milk. It's healthy, it's tasty, but most relevant to this blog entry, it doesn't generate much trash (a used banana peel and some bread crumbs). As a result, my trash can fills at a less-than-prodigous rate.

Usually I can keep track in my head of how long it's been since I last took out the trash. However, spending two nights at my dad's really threw me for a loop on this one. Usually when I start seeing fruit flies in my field of vision while sitting on my lazy ass watching television, I take it as a sign that I needed to take out the trash about two days ago.

Perhaps you can see where this is going.

Fast forward from whatever arbitrary time I was talking about to Sunday, about thirty minutes before I left for the audition. I went to throw something into the trash, and noticed that it was actually full. Well, time to take out the trash. There also seemed to be a few more fruit flies than normal. Okay, so it was past time to take out the trash, I told myself. No worries!

Note: the previous "no worries" comment official concludes the understatement portion of the blog entry. You may now continue reading.

I approached the trash can and saw a few more flies inside. Okay, mildly obnoxious. However, then I had the unfortunate (though inevitable) thought to get the crushed milk carton out of the top so I could take the can's cover off. The trash can literally exploded with fruit flies, swarming over everything. It was totally and utterly disgusting. I estimated that there were at least 60 flies total. Thankfully, as this was relatively early on a Sunday, I hadn't had much to eat, so I had no lunch to lose.

After several futile attempts at killing the horde manually, I opted to get my vacuum cleaner, which sees very little action otherwise (see above), and waged my own personal Holocaust against the vermin. I have to admit to quite a bit of sadistic glee at watching their numbers thin, and it was amusing to watch them circle the end of the vacuum's hose like water down the drain (seriously, they spun around the hose in mid-air over and over before getting sucked in). After an initial pass, I discovered a large group hiding on my cabinets (go figure, brown bugs on brown cabinets are practically invisible). It took my two more passes, but I got the vast majority of them.

That was Sunday, and today is Tuesday (for the unobservant). There are still several of the little buggers (literally!) flying around; they're much easier to kill now, but still, I hate seeing them at all. But let that be a lesson to you all: take out your trash on a regular basis, don't just wait for it to get full.

Also, here are a few follow-ups to previous blog entries:

Fantastic Audition: I got the role of Nicholas. No surprise; it was the role the director has been hounding me about for almost a year. Not sure how my friends fared, though.

Damn Comcast!: So, the whole problem originated with me not actually paying Comcast the money I owed them. Whoopsie! However, I've been unable to get online with my connection since Thursday, despite paying them (I dropped a check off Thursday evening). As I mentioned, I've been hijacking someone else's wireless connection (although Davis has since disappeared, I'm now using some generic linksys wireless router), but it sorta sucks, since I'm not always getting three bars on my connection. Lame. But I talked to a guy at Comcast tonight, and apparently my account has to be rebuilt, or something. Whatever. He says I should be back in business tomorrow morning. Groovy.

Posted by Eric at August 23, 2005 11:15 PM

Hah, that gave me some laughs - along with a new outlook on cleaning. By the way, I do read all your entries even though this is the first time I've responded.

*Waits patiently for the forums to return*

Posted by: Timber Wolf at August 24, 2005 04:51 PM

*nods* I'm reading too. It's actually quite amusing every few weeks. This entry would be one of those amusing ones. :)

Posted by: Cha0s at August 25, 2005 12:39 AM

Hee, good stuff. I think that should have been a rant. :)

Posted by: Josh at August 25, 2005 09:28 AM

Oh, and EVula, I wore my Lair shirt today (the second day of High School). :)

Posted by: Timber Wolf at August 25, 2005 05:21 PM

Heh, I just *knew* that I had secret readers! :)

I've been reading some Dave Barry lately; the guy is funny as hell, and has a particular style of writing. I guess he's influencing my writing...

Josh: Hmm, you're right. Maybe I should do more stories based on my life... if only I actually had interesting stuff to write. :)

Timber Wolf: Awesome. :)

Posted by: EVula at August 25, 2005 09:11 PM

Ever had a banana boat? They're really good, and use the same components you currently consume.

It's like a banana sandwich. You get one slice of bread and peanut butter it however much you want. Then put a whole banana in the middle the long way, wrap the bread around the banana (might not cover it all around since it's only one bread slice) and feast. If you haven't tried a banana boat, I strongly recommend you do!

Posted by: Timber Wolf at August 27, 2005 05:45 PM

Hmm... if I hadn't run out of peanut butter today, I'd try one right now; I'm starving. :)

Posted by: EVula at August 28, 2005 08:02 PM

Has your Royalty been graced with such a banana feast as of yet?

Posted by: Timber Wolf at August 29, 2005 10:56 PM

I know you don't drink, but if you leave a delicious fruity (alcholic) drink like a margarita or daqueri out on the kitchen counter overnight, those fruit flies'll just lap it right up; and then subsequently die in it. I speak from experience!

Posted by: Danny at September 2, 2005 07:40 AM

yea ive seen that kind of thing happen, btw happen seen you in a while TW... welcome back.

hmmm a lair tshirt... must investigate

Posted by: edg2000 at September 3, 2005 04:35 PM