The huwr Factor

Do I have some news for you?

I think you need to ask yourselves that question. Look deep down inside yourselves and concentrate. "Does Huw have some news for us?"

Well, the answer is "Yes", I have some news for you.

What is the nature of the news? Is it good? Is it bad? Would the news actually justify this long winded and suspense filled introduction? Probably, the answer to all those questions is probably a firm indefatigable "no".

The news is this: I have grown a tail.

Shocking, I know.

It's a lovely brown tail, and fluffy, too. I have even learnt to do tricks with it like swing on bars and pick up stuff. Stuff. The only problem is this: it has a mind of its own and it hates showing up to classes at school. This is a problem because now I can't show off my beautiful tail to all my friends. Guys, let me tell you: long brown fluffy tails that you can use to swing on bars and pick up stuff really pulls the ladies. Seriously.

I was also asked to consider what the world would be like if PCs came with small Star Trek style transporters and protein re-sequencers. Well, at first I thought it could be cool. All the time you'd hear people saying:

"I'm downloading lunch!"

Which would be fantastic. You could go to some online store and choose from a platter of delicious meals. When you find one you like you press the button and it downloads it. Then you just sit back and hope your internet connection doesn't drop out.

But then I considered what the internet was originally imagined to be and what the internet has become: one gigantic mine field, only instead of mines that blow you up they'd be mines that infect you with the urge to shout out "VIAGRA 99% OFF" every twenty minutes, and instead of it being a field, it's KaZaA. The internet is like a city where there is this restaurant that everybody recommends, but when you go there instead of it being a restaurant, it's a... well, it's a something unpleasant.

Then consider the porn industry:

"Dude! Last night I downloaded Britney Spears!"

"Dude! Awesome!"

"No, dude. I downloaded Britney Spears!"

I can at least rest in peace with the knowledge that the transporters won't be big enough to handle celebrities or real people. As such, a variety of disgusting and rather disturbingly salacious things came to mind. I'll let you imagine that, you sickos.

Next entry will be brought to you by a team of ultra lesbian ninjas.

...

You what?

Gross.

Shut up.

Posted by huwr at November 3, 2005 12:58 PM