Not quite evil, but certainly more than just sadistic, are the dirt-diggers, known to the scientific community as bitchius wankerus. These are quite possibly the worst things that have ever existed. Everyone knows dirt-diggers.
Let's examine the dirt-digger:
- A dirt-digger is wont to hearing things that no one else hears. This isn't because of some extra-sensory ability of theirs, it's because they're mad. Unfortunately, a dirt-digger will not admit to this, and never seeks to heal their 'extra-sensory abilities'. A dirt-digger views their 'abilities' as a gift, rather than a illness. As such, a dirt-digger will attempt to inform the public of what they have learnt through their 'abilities'
- This goes hand-in-hand with the fact that they read meaning into the slightest insignificant things. One might simply ask to borrow someone's glue stick, and god help you if a dirt-digger sees that, because that would be undeniable evidence of you having romantic interest with that person. Seeing romantic interest in things is a dirt-digger's favourite pass-time.
- A dirt-digger will insist that you tell them your darkest secrets, despite you not having any. If you are strong enough to deny telling a dirt-digger anything, they're also wont to making something up and insisting in the strongest possible terms that they have undeniable evidence! Dirt-diggers make great journalists for tabloid newspapers.
- A dirt-digger has an uncanny ability to be an arse-hole.
- A dirt-digger has the ability, when it suits them, to just bring up some extraordinarily old and insignificant detail and see it in a new and interesting light. Of course, this light is usually filtered so that the dirt-digger only sees what they want to see. Quite often the dirt-digger will view it through a magnifying glass as well, so that the old and insignificant detail becomes new and enormous. Only the dirt-digger will see it like this.
- A dirt-digger can, and will, scare others into agreeing with them. They will make it seem that third-parties have no choice but to agree with them, or look a fool. This is by far the most dangerous feature of a dirt-digger. If you are going to take on a dirt-digger, make sure you have firm and loyal back-up.
These are the features of a dirt-digger. Do you know one? Good god, what if you are one? The only cure for being a dirt-digger is this: guns.
Steelix writes:
Dear Huw,
I liked your comment about dog's and balls. Did you know dogs can be homosexual too? This may lend to a tendency to play with a different kind of balls.
Yours dearfully,
Yours.
Well, which one is it? "Yours" [sic] or "Steelix"? That makes a huge difference, man. The whole question stems on this thing... or not... "Dear Huw"? What the hell? I'm not Huw. I'm Ada. Come on, Yours [sic]! Jeebus. Do I have to rewrite the whole question to? I may as bloody well.
Zarquon The Prophet writes:
Dear Ms Ada Rowlands,
Please find the enclosed diamond encrusted bone. It is but only half of what I owe you, but I plan to get the BMW with dog-enhancements delivered to you by next Wednesday.
Please don't take the late payment as an insult. The BMW people were particularly difficult. They were more co-operative once I had had a 'chat' with the chief engineer, however.
Sincerely,
Zarquon
Now there's an email!
So, until next time, send me (Ada) some emails, and I'll make read them and make fun of you! I mean, answer them!
Simon Davies writes:
Why do you dogs like balls so much? and whats with the dog food , whats your opinion it?
Spelling and grammar aside, that is a very interesting question, Simon.
First question, why do dogs like balls so much. Well, that very question can be interpreted in two ways. Firstly, it can be interpreted as why do dogs like to play with balls so much, and secondly it can be interpreted to mean that god hates all gays and wants us to kill them all.
Personally, I like the first one.
Dogs love playing with balls for many reasons. The most outstanding reason is that they're just great. I mean, what's not to love about round balls of fun? Seriously, man. They're awesome. Try rolling one down a hill and chasing it. Best fun ever. Two footers love them, too, iirc. Only they have 'rules' to their games which makes it really boring... Rules schmules I say.
Dog food? That's just like Human food, right? There's a difference? [Don't tell her there is a difference - Ed]
Well, that about dogs it up for me. See you later!
And email me, you bastards.
That means you.
I'd just like to say something about cynics.
Cynics suck.
Apparently one can use some Boolean logic in spotlight. The expressions available are NOT, OR and AND. This is not a documented feature.
NOT is simply alpha(-beta). That is, it will search for things with alpha and ignore those which contain beta.
OR is simply alpha|beta. That is, it will search for things containing either or both alpha and beta.
AND is simply alpha beta. That is, it will search for things containing both alpha and beta.
You can also combine things. alpha|beta(-gamma) delta returns something that has alpha or beta and delta, but not gamma.
Easy, right?
[This was my essay for my AST trial. It's a big test where you are ranked against everyone else in the state doing the test. That means that the schools can be scaled. Don't ask me how it works. The trick is to the best you can.
Here's my contribution. I got 93/100 for it. AFAIK, there were only two people who got better scores (go them!).
Please ignore the spelling errors, it was hand written in 2 hours. -Ed]
The possessions earned by a person in their life-time are a reflection of who they are. They are symbols of their rank and status in society. Naturally it only makes sense that every one wants to make the best impression of themselves upon society. People sometimes even go to great lengths to do this, even if [sic] means hindering other parts of their lives to do so. This is a trait of humanity found throughout the entire history of civilisation.
Theoretically speaking, the more work done by a person in their life-time, the more of a contribution to society they are making. Considering how work is rewarded with money, and money is spent of possessions, owning a lot of things is seen to be a reflection on a persons [sic] ability to work and contribute to society. In other words, the more possessions a person has accumulated, the more of an important person they are.
It therefore follows logically that every single man and woman wants to aquire [sic] as many of these 'status symbols' as possible. They want to appear better than the next person. It makes sense that the more bellongings [sic] that a person has, the better they are. People often go to a fair bit of expense to do this. Fashion is a good example. If a person has a lot of good clothes than they obviously have the money to spend on those clothes. Sports cars are also a prime example.
However, this urge to be 'better' than everyone else is sometimes a hinderence [sic]. Corsets worn in the 18th and 19th centuries by women were an attempt to achieve the appearance of a thinner, more delecate [sic] figure. Long-term use of these items caused damage to the woman's internal organs. However, the corsets were not abandoned until long after their negative aspects were discovered and revealed. The same thing could almost be said for cigarrettes [sic] if it weren't for the differing opinions of just what things are good to have and what things are not.
Nevertheless, this is a trait not new to the twentieth century. Throughout history there are examples of people respecting status symbols. Elaborate garb was a definate [sic] requirement for any member of a medieval court. Castles that have been decorated to a standard that is far higher than that of the average medieval home were commonplace, despite most of the possessions not actually being needed for a decent standard of living. A king of a rich and prosperous land would likely command a lot more respect than a king of a poor and disadvantage country.
The trait of humans respecting bellongings [sic] as a means of identifying a persons [sic] wealth are [sic] not new to us. It has been done for centuries. People have and probably always will use a person's appearance and their wealth as a metric for their actual ability, while going to great lengths to improve the appearance of their own. Our bellongings [sic] reflect our personalities and our attitudes. These status symbols are the way of life for some people, and probably never cease being important factors in our humanity.
Marker's comments:
Your viewpoint is expressed in an organised, structured and cogent way. Good. Your written expression is clear and generally accurate, aside from occasional spelling errors.
A sound effort.
Hi, I'm Ada, Huw's family dog. Recently, he's taught me how to type. This gives me the opportunity to express my opinion on worldly matters to the whole world. I can tell you about my day, too, although no one will really care (as outlined in Huw's original post). I don't need my own blog, because it takes me ages to type. I type with my tail, you know (capital letters are hard).
Firstly, I'd like to voice my opinion on a few matters.
What the hell is the deal with cats? I mean, aren't they a blatant rip off of dogs, or what? And why do they always run away? I just want to show them how to be a dog. I'm perfectly willing to accept them into dog society but they simply won't let me. It's my mission as a dog to personally sniff the bum of all other dogs in the world (I'll tell you why shortly) and cats simply don't let me do that.
The second thing I wanted to bring up was the fact that I simply hate having this nose. Do you know how much Humans stink? If they had noses like me then they'd be constantly in the bath.
So you want to ask me why dogs love to sniff each others' bums. Well, I'll tell you, but you have to be good. Are you sitting comfortably? Good. This was a story told to me by ancient dog elders and has been past down for dog-years and dog-years (which are sort of like light-years, except a little further).
It all started at a ball (not a squeaky one) where all the dogs came and danced. They all came and hung up their tails in the cloak room and went off to party. They were all having a great time playing whist, chess and flyball when the fire alarm went off. All the dogs rushed to the cloak room to get their tails, however, in the hurry everyone took the wrong ones. To this day, us dogs must check each dog we come across to see if they have our tail.
When we find our tail, I have no idea what we're supposed to do...
Anyway, email me your questions on doggery.
Actually... email Huw with your questions.