DESK, Huw Federation: Parliament today accused the Government of being so obsessed with the latest Harry Potter movie that it was not getting any useful work done. The Prime Minister responded this afternoon at a press conference, claiming that an Upper House inquiry into what the next Harry Potter book will be called is a worthwhile expense for the Government. The Opposition, unsurprisingly, opposed him.
`Everyone wants to know what it will be called,' said the Prime Minister at the press conference. 'It is knowledge that simply must be uncovered and released into to the general public domain.'
A question was put to him by a journalist asking where the money to pay for the inquiry was coming from, and the Prime Minister did not answer straight away. Instead, he referred to his adviser Mr Gubblies, a red and green sock puppet, before declining to comment.
`The Government needs to be held accountable for its irresponsible spending of public money,' said an Opposition Spokesman to the Prime Minister. `Mr Prime Minster, you are squandering this country's money on your own personal goals.
`And everyone knows that Mr Gubblies is just a puppet for Wilch and Son's Sock Company, Ltd.'
`How dare you insult Mr Gubblies in such a way!' responded the Prime Minister, before he grabbed a long thin piece of wood from his jacket pocket and yelled `Crucio!'
However, nothing happened.
`The Prime Minister is clearly loosing his touch with the country!' shouted a nearby member of the public. `He's become soft in his old age. Just a big old girlie wuss. A bunny rabbit!'
`I am not a big old girlie wuss!' sobbed the Prime Minister in response. `Come on, guys... I mean... there was only... only the ONE tea-party...'
DESK, Huw Federation: Riot Police were called in to deal with hordes of rioting geeks from the University of Desk this weekend. The geeks were protesting against the demolition of the three current University buildings (known as `desks'), and the construction of one monolithic desk. Riot Police eventually used tear gas to disperse the crowds of geeks, who began to scream like little girls.
Federation Parliament passed legislation to demolish the current University of Desk early last month, and will replace the desks during the Christmas period, in preparation for the reception of new IT infrastructure, a gift from foreign caretakers.
`The Government is constantly ignoring the needs of students,' Leader of Federation Union of Desks (FUD), Ms Jane Whipcake said in an interview today. `We can't learn under these conditions. We are the future, so not spending money on us doesn't make sense.'
However, a small child standing around pointed out that the Government was spending massive amounts on Universities – building a new campus and state of the art IT infrastructure.
`Well... we still need more...' continued Ms Whipcake. `Urm... Well... FUD can complain about something... Car parking spaces?'
The small child standing around again pointed out that non of the students had any cars on environmentalist principals, so that was also a mute point.
Ms Whipcake began to cry and stamp her feet, threatening to hold her breath if no one listened to her. She was later taken to hospital, reportedly suffering from oxygen deprivation.
So a bunch of friends and I are going down to the coast tomorrow (Thurs, 24 Nov 2005). It's going to be sweet. Main problem was convincing the parents that we'll be okay. Mind you, we aren't exactly a rowdy bunch.
Last time, we were such rebels, I'm telling you. We'll be better this time. Last time, we cooked roast vegetables and didn't drink the beer in the fridge. Mum was furious. This time I've promised that there'll be more drunken behaviour and that I'll come home smelling of puke. I don't think I can hold that promise, though... You know me, guys... Always the rebel.
So some of The huwr Factor staff decided to ask ACT Chief Minister Jon Stanthope what he thought about kids running off to the coast for a week after school. He said nothing.
Mind you, we were yelling the questions at him from a black car while going 80 km/h passed the ACT Legislative Assembly this afternoon. I mean, we think he was listening... We think he was in the building...
So good luck to all ye travellers who want to go to the coast.
I'd like to draw people's attention to those web sites that support illegal file sharing of music. While I'm not exactly an opponent of file sharing, I think that these web sites can hone their arguments a little.
One of the popular ones goes along the lines of "musicians only get $1 from a $20 CD, the RIAA gets the rest. I want my money to go to the musicians, not the RIAA."
We all know that every time you download a CD, $2 goes the musicians, eh?
The main reason I'd oppose file sharing is not because it is illegal, or because it is ripping somebody off. All the music you download from bit torrent, or wherever, will tend to be encoded by a 14 year old in Sri Lanka. Not only that, but that 14 year old won't have ripped the original CD himself. He'd have ripped it off a CD he got from his friend, who downloaded it from someone in South Africa, who encoded it from someone in blah blah...
File sharers will often advocate their various favourite file sharing techniques, claiming that theirs has less viruses, or better encoded stuff. In reality, they're all the same: it's incredibly hard to find what you want unless what you want is naughty spanking. When you do find what you want, nobody is seeding, so you can't actually get it. If you did manage to get it, 9 times out of 10, it was actually naughty spanking anyway, so it was useless.
Buying the CD is much easier. No viruses, no naughty spanking, and best of all, you are actually getting what you want.
NEAR DOORWAY, Huw Federation: The weird squiggly green thing labelled as `The Gorphod' attacked three policemen today after coming to life unexpectedly. The three policemen were performing `more scientific forensic tests' on The Gorphod when it groaned and reportedly lunged for them.
`We was all like "AHH!!! It's coming for us!"' tells Police Constable Jeffery Killroy. `And Mathews here, he was all like "let's shoot it", and I'm like "yeah, man!", but Jennison was all like "zOMG omg !!1wtf?!1", so we didn't.'
`lol u shod hav seen ur faces!1' said Police Constable Jennison.
The Gorphod appeared near Doorway last night and police have evacuated the north coast of the Federation. The Gorphod has been described as being approximately 178 centimetres tall, green, squiggly and weird. Police today allowed members of the press to see The Gorphod for themselves, provided they kept behind a security tape positioned 100 metres around The Gorphod.
`As yet, we still do not know the origin of the Gorphod,' explained Police spokesperson Jenny Keys. 'We have ascertained that it is dangerous and aggressive. It also occasionally speaks nonsense at us.'
`It's me, Ben!' screamed the Gorphod. `Hello? Remember? Ben!? I fell in a ditch of mud last night! God, don't you believe me?'
The Gorphod was tranquillised by Police and has been taken to a secret location, claimed to be more secure.
DOORWAY, Huw Federation: Federation Police have evacuated and cordoned off the entire north coast of Bedroom in order to protect citizens from what they describe as a `weird squiggly green thing'. The thing, dubbed simply `The Gorphod', apparently appeared at around 2 AM FST (Sunday, 20 November 2005).
`The Gorphod was spotted last night by a patrol car on the A1 between Doorway and Desk,' said Police Commissioner Daniel Jumbles. `As yet, we do not know if The Gorphod is dangerous or not, but would prefer to not take risks.
'Don't ask why we called it The Gorphod, by the way. I'm so sick of people asking that.'
No eyewitnesses have yet to report on The Gorphod, and no film has been produced by the Police.
Police reject the claim that The Gorphod is simply a large pile of horse manure.
`At this stage, we don't know what it is,' explained Detective Sergeant Paul Frubchock. `We will release more information to the public after we perform some more scientific forensic experiments on The Gorphod.'
Police reject the claim that `more scientific forensic experiments' means prodding The Gorphod with a stick.
There hasn't been an update in ages!
What are we going to do? Has Huw gone mad? Has he abandoned us? Has he just been busy with exams?
The answers to those questions would be a resounding `no'. However, the answers to these questions would be a resounding `yes':
Has the phone cable that provides service in Huw's region stuffed up on the high frequencies as to make Huw's ADSL not work, and will it be eventually replaced?
Do not fear!
Oh, and Noack owes me a dollar.
DESK, Huw Federation: No casualties or injuries were reported when Kimian and Noackanian troops exchanged gunfire over the border between the two nations this afternoon. The exact cause of the altercations was not clear.
`She called me a doo-doo head!' said Field Marshall Bamlls of the Noackanian Army `I'm going to tell my Mummy on them! Whaaaaaa!'
`She... I mean, he... he... urm... he..." said General Damp Heifer of Kimia.
The Valese Union released a statement announcing that if the nations don't stop bickering, they won't be getting any ice cream and will have to go to bed before The Simpsons.
`Awww... man!' said the nations simultaneously.
`Do as your mother tells you!' said Tandyland, looking up from the newspaper.
`Yes, Dad...'
`Did you see the financials?' continued Tandyland to the Huw Federation.
Who are the Beatles?
Seriously. Who are they?
I think you need to ask yourselves that question. Look deep down inside yourselves and concentrate. "Does Huw have some news for us?"
Well, the answer is "Yes", I have some news for you.
What is the nature of the news? Is it good? Is it bad? Would the news actually justify this long winded and suspense filled introduction? Probably, the answer to all those questions is probably a firm indefatigable "no".
The news is this: I have grown a tail.
Shocking, I know.
It's a lovely brown tail, and fluffy, too. I have even learnt to do tricks with it like swing on bars and pick up stuff. Stuff. The only problem is this: it has a mind of its own and it hates showing up to classes at school. This is a problem because now I can't show off my beautiful tail to all my friends. Guys, let me tell you: long brown fluffy tails that you can use to swing on bars and pick up stuff really pulls the ladies. Seriously.
I was also asked to consider what the world would be like if PCs came with small Star Trek style transporters and protein re-sequencers. Well, at first I thought it could be cool. All the time you'd hear people saying:
"I'm downloading lunch!"
Which would be fantastic. You could go to some online store and choose from a platter of delicious meals. When you find one you like you press the button and it downloads it. Then you just sit back and hope your internet connection doesn't drop out.
But then I considered what the internet was originally imagined to be and what the internet has become: one gigantic mine field, only instead of mines that blow you up they'd be mines that infect you with the urge to shout out "VIAGRA 99% OFF" every twenty minutes, and instead of it being a field, it's KaZaA. The internet is like a city where there is this restaurant that everybody recommends, but when you go there instead of it being a restaurant, it's a... well, it's a something unpleasant.
Then consider the porn industry:
"Dude! Last night I downloaded Britney Spears!"
"Dude! Awesome!"
"No, dude. I downloaded Britney Spears!"
I can at least rest in peace with the knowledge that the transporters won't be big enough to handle celebrities or real people. As such, a variety of disgusting and rather disturbingly salacious things came to mind. I'll let you imagine that, you sickos.
Next entry will be brought to you by a team of ultra lesbian ninjas.
...
You what?
Gross.
Shut up.
I wrote a travelogue for an English unit I am doing on travel writing. I wrote it about my time on the Young Endeavour. If anyone wants it, email me at huw dot rowlands at gmail dot com.
Meanwhile, comment on what your favourite kind of finger is.