Remember Jon Stanhope and his promise to introduce a same-sex civil unions bill? You see, he's decided to introduce this legislation into the ACT legislative assembly, so it should be possible to have a same-sex civil union in the ACT by July-ish.
Well, apparently the Attorney-General Phillip Ruddock has decided that it's all too similar to marriage. Marriage, by Federal legal definition is between a man and a woman. The Bill that Mr Stanhope wants to introduce is simply extending Civil Unions (separate to Marriage) so that they hold all the same rights as marriage, and extends them to same-sex couples.
Hey, man. Wouldn't that be like saying that it's okay to be a gay or a lesbian? Oh, god! Would that be all that bad? Really?
That is the question that I extend to you, the good reader. No right or wrong answers. In fact, both answers will get you a prize.
If you answered `yes', then you win a gold star and a pat on the back. If you answered `no', then you get to scrape your eyes on the concrete and set yourself alight with liquid hydrogen.
The fact is that I'd like to see one of the Liberal Party come out of the closet. Maybe a little like this:
J. Howard: So that about concludes this week's cabinet meeting. Anyone got anything they'd like to say?
A. Downer: Yes. There's something I've been meaning to get off my chest for a while.
P. Costello: God! You're not going to apologise for cocking-up the AWB again, are you?
A. Downer: You know that wasn't my fault! This is different!
J. Howard: Well, out with it.
P. Costello: *mocking Howard* Well, out with it!
A. Downer: Well, I just wanted you guys to know... I'm... I'm... engaged.
J. Howard: Good lord!
P. Costello: Blimey!
A. Vanstone: Jesus!
P. Ruddock: Zzzzz....
P. Costello: Oh, Somebody kick him... Allow me to be the fir–
J. Howard: Just wait a second!
P. Costello: *pulls a face*
J. Howard: To whom are you engaged, sir!
P. Ruddock: Zzzzzzzz.... cckkkzzzz
A. Downer: To... urm... well, you'd like him.
A. Vanstone: Him??? What?
T. Abbot: You can't say that! Society will crumble and fall apart!
J. Howard: Oh, please don't let Ruddock find out.
P. Ruddock: *sits up* I HEARD ALL!
J. Howard: Oh, god...
P. Ruddock: *eyes glow red* YOU WERE PROMISED TO ME, DOWNER! NOW I AM VERY CROSS!
A. Downer: Oh... please... no... You know I still love you! It... It was you who I was getting engaged to this afternoon! Honest!
P. Ruddock: SILENCE!!!
*silence*
P. Ruddock: I SAW YOU WITH HIM! NOW YOU HAVE UPSET ME, DOWNER.
A. Downer: Oh... no... not that... anything but that!
P. Ruddock: I WILL DO ALL IN MY POWER TO REPEAL HIS LAWS. HE WON'T BE ABLE TO CIVIL UNION YOU NOW.
A. Downer: WRRRHHYYY??? *sobs*
J. Howard: So... anything else?
P. Costello: *mocking Howard* Anything else? ... Dork...
DESK, Huw Federation: A bill was passed in Federation Parliament, declaring war against Morris Dancing. The bill was passed with a large majority, following raids on border Federation villages last night, which the Government blames on Morris Dancers.
`We'll teach those bastards who's boss!' said the Prime Minister.
The Federation and Morris Dancer relations have been deteriorating for some time. On 21 October last year, Morris Dancers were banned from the Federation.
The international reactions have been mixed. The Valese Union declared that it will no longer trade with the Federation or the Morris Dancers for the duration of the war, but Noackania declared that it will no longer trade with the Valese Union for the duration of the war.
For some reason, the Heléna Emporium also declared that it will no longer trade with Goats for the duration of the war. Officials of Goats have not been available for comment, and the Heléna Emporium Government refused to comment, but it shifted uncomfortably in its seat.
I completely missed the fact that The huwr Factor is now 1 year active, as of 21 March 2005. I was too busy worrying about my friggin' Tax File Number to notice.
So happy birthday.
And Happy Birthday to my friend Andrew Wade, I hope that he still reads this.
Actually, if you do still read this, anybody, that is, leave a note in the comments as to what you would like to see in The huwr Factor in the coming year. Less of this? More of that?
Dear Mr Costello,
I have applied three times now, and received not so much as a peep from the Australian Taxation Office. Where in the name of God is my Tax File Number?
Your Pal,
Huw
After some initial qualms that people had as to just where the hell this `Uriarra Crossing' place is, things went down okay. My instructions were good, but I didn't hold up my end of the bargain. The Blue Ensign wasn't fluttering. It wasn't even dangling. It was no where to be seen. Many a person drove straight passed their target. By half passed six, the ridiculous number of people who hadn't shown up was getting to ridicule-factor four.
Apart from that things went down okay.
I even got hugged by a myriad of lovely women. I wish I could be 18 every year. Maybe I should throw a second 18th birthday around the time of June, just so I can attain a feeling of close human companionship again.
And Michelle got drunk and danced around with a jumper over her head like a monkey. That was funny.
Well, not like a monkey, and she wasn't dancing around, and she didn't have a jumper on her head, and she wasn't drunk...
... it also wasn't funny... It was a very serious matter that I shouldn't have made fun of.
So this post is getting to stupid-factor 5 about now. I don't know about you but I'm going to go and have a shower. After having images of Michelle drunkenly dancing around like a monkey with a jumper over its head, I feel unclean.
So in about 1 hour's time after I post this message, I'll instantly become able to buy alcohol, cigarettes, scratchies, pornography, and a whole manner of crap which I couldn't buy before. I know what you're thinking, big freakin' deal.
Well, yeah. I agree...
What exactly makes it special that in 1 hour's time, I am suddenly responsible for a whole lot more than I used to be? There is this instant point tonight when suddenly, *click*, something switches in my head and I am suddenly mature enough to vote.
(Although I'm wondering what actually stopped me voting before. I could walk up to any voting station, say that I'm my father, tell them where I live, then walk in. They don't check your ID. Try it. Even better, go to every voting station in the electorate, as 5 different people. You could vote 50 times and no one will know!)
I wonder if that click ever fails. Do they get people who turn up at pubs and say something like:
Guy "Yes, I'd like to buy some beer, please."
Publican "What would you like?"
Guy "Oh, anything... I'm new to this... yes... never had alcohol before in my life. Ever."
Publican "Oh, sure. Never ever. I recommend this one."
Guy "That looks lovely! I'll have a ... unit ... of that, please."
Publican "Can I see your ID?"
Guy "Sure, fella! Here it is!"
Publican "No... I'm sorry, but you can't buy this grog. I know you are 18, but the thing is, you failed to click on your birthday. Fill out this form to try again... it may take 28 days."
All I can say is this: What tommyrot. I hope it works.
Publican "I'm sorry, that form bounced. You'll need a tax file number to apply to be 18. Fill out this form to get one... 28 days."
DESK, Huw Federation: Violence erupted during question time in the lower house of Parliament this morning. The Prime Minister and Opposition Leader were both arrested for disturbing the peace after a fight broke out between them. The Minister for Education and the Shadow Minister for Aged Care, also involved in the fight, received a warning from Police but were not arrested.
Apparently, the fight broke out when the Opposition Leader called the Prime Minister a `fatty bum stick' for not sharing his cake with other members of the Government.
`Every day he comes in with his lunch box stuffed to the gills,' says Shadow Minister for Aged Care, John Barlow whilst clutching his own lunch in a brown paper bag with `John' written on the front. `What? This? Today I have salmon! But that's not the point! The point is they started it!'
`Oh, dude, you totally started it!' said Minister for Education, Lady Barbara Norman. `You were, like, throwing stuff at us.'
`Was not!'
`Was too!'
`Was not!'
`Was too!'
This went on for some time amidst cries of `fight! fight! fight!' from the back benches, until the Speaker sent them both to their rooms.
`Oh this is so unfair!' screamed Norman, stamping her feet. She then stormed out of the house, turning only to say `I wish I was dead!' before slamming the doors of the house shut.
At this everyone fell silent, until a member of the public in the gallery pointed out that the Minister should have said `I wish I were dead.'
